I despise just sitting around the house. I have a need to be outside, doing something and finding an adventure. I love finding hiking trails, foraging for mushrooms in the spring, swimming in the river. I love planning weekend trips to places we’ve never been, going to the zoo, and hanging out on the patio with friends at the local brewery. However both my husband and daughter loathe all of these things. So I often end up going by myself, which I don’t mind. But obviously this means I am away and in turn, he makes me feel like I’m lacking as a wife and mother. I don’t mind sitting and watching a movie at the end of the day sometimes but it’s just not my thing. I have a need to move and go go go. How or can we meet in the middle?
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Honestly I don’t blame you for wanting to go out and about! Adventures are fun and doing things outside is awesome! Maybe try finding a friend that enjoys these activities with you?
If I lived closer we could be hiking and adventure buddies!!!
Two things.
1. What happens when you very much insist on a family outing?
1. Anything he enjoys doing outdoors?
2. Any seasonal allergies?
3. Does he specify any reasons for his aversion to the outdoors?
2. Don’t build unnecessary resentment
>~~he makes me feel like~~
* I feel like
* The situation makes me feel like
In a way, you just answered your own question.
Your husband and daughter clearly don’t want their days filled to the brim with activities, and would prefer some downtime. So…….don’t schedule so much. Maybe book ONE activity per day, or per weekend. Acknowledge the fact that most people don’t want to be constantly on the move.
Sometimes, you need to make time for the people you love doing the things that they want to do. If your stance is “either do what I want with me or I’ll do it by myself” then it’s understandable why he’s frustrated with your participation in the marriage.
Did this change from when you were dating? As a homebody introvert, I weeded out potential partners that weren’t because our lives wouldn’t be compatible.
As long as he doesn’t mind, do your thing. I’d be sad if my husband was always off doing something while I was at home because I enjoy hanging out with him, but he married you knowing you like being busy.
Maybe see if there are relaxing activities they want to join in but, for me personally, anything that involves other people, an itinerary, or a lot of preparation doesn’t really interest me.
If he’s just scrolling social media, he’s basically addicted to it and the immediate reward of the slot machine of instagram or whatever is a better dopamine hit than maybe seeing something interesting outside of his house.
How did you marry him when you have so much differences?
My wife is like your husband. I ask her to join me in things. Sometimes she does. Unless it’s something physical or like exercise, then she’s content to sit in a recliner watching crime TV, playing with coloring apps on her iPad, and occasionally reading.
On the other hand, my job is mostly sitting at a desk. Her part-time job is mostly outdoor driving a golf cart around and going in and out of buildings on a college campus.
She does do the laundry and dishes. I do the yard.
I’ve accepted that this is the way it is for now. Everything is a compromise.
I’m a homebody and will give you some tough love. You’re never going to get what you want from him. He’s never going to get what he wants from you.
I guess I’m not quite as bad as him though. I’d be all for the brewery trips, and hiking trails once in a while would be good as well. I also NEVER say no to family visits and always do my best to be outgoing and friendly to my wife’s family.
But, I’m just going to say it. Being married to someone who “despites” sitting around the house and has to plan trips for every weekend (or close to it) sounds like a complete nightmare. Nothing against you at all, there’s not a damn thing wrong with being like that and I know I’m the weird one, but I’m just giving you a perspective from the point of view of a homebody.
I don’t know what your solution is. There isn’t one, unless he’s suffering from depression and can get treatment, which imght bring him out of his shell.
Did you knew this before you married him and having a kid together?
Is he overweight? My husband is. His thighs rub together and it makes him hate to be outside.
Is he sensitive to the sun? Again, husband is and he burns practically as soon as he steps outside. I can be in the sun all day. Him? No go.
Does he get winded easily?
Is he an introvert?
I’ve read every one of your comments, and it’s like you’re describing my wife. I’ve just came to terms with it and go places without her. My kiddo is only 5, so whenever I go somewhere I always try to bring him along, and she stays home by herself.
I’m over it, I’m not arguing anymore, and if she wants to spend the last half of her life staring at a phone screen that’s her problem.
Where do you live? I’ll come with you! My husband is also a homebody… I need a friend with as much energy as me!!!!
How old is your daughter?
Here is what I did. I started planning Adventures with my child. I even started booking trips home to visit my family with just the two of us.
In order to get your kid on board, start small. Talk up going to a beach or the park and buy them a treat. Focus your attention on them. Only an hour or so for the first one.
Then gradually start making them longer once in awhile.
Find things that would be of special interest for your kid to explore. What are her interests?
If she is big into playing videogames then get something like Pokémon Go on your phone for the drive HOME only. Don’t let it be for the drive there or during unless you go on a Pokémon Go hunt. You want here to be there with you in the moment.
One summer evening my kid and I took off for two hours hunting in Pokémon Go because a special Pokémon was appearing in greater numbers. I knew they would be near this mall, that was right beside a seawall. Some Pokémon appear near water… so I got to enjoy walking on a seawall and I made my kid look around and then they started squishing their toes in the sand.
I still remember that lovely evening… while my husband sat at home.
Oh, quick tip. Make things like chicken strips or nuggets, let them cool and toss them in a tupperware. Fries or tater tots too. Then you have healthy food on the go and can buy a popsicle or some other treat while out.
Stop trying to engage him. He may start joining younor he may not. But don’t let his *blah* be the narrative for your daughter’s childhood!!!
This is your child. This is the time period of your life where you weave your daughter’s memories of you into your adventures.
You have different hobbies you don’t enjoy his and he doesn’t enjoy yours.. I’d work on finding one you both like or make a once a week date night.. you might have to find some friends or someone else who enjoys walking etc to do your hobbies with you if you don’t want to be alone
Could just be incompatible.. was he always this way or was this a transition that happened after the marriage?
My husband is an introvert and more of a homebody as well. Set a goal where you guys have to get out to do something planned where you spend quality time as a family and or as a couple. 2 to 3 times a month. I will look at several events (Free or affordable) in my city coming up and put them on my calendar. Then I present them as they are upcoming. I also will suggest a last minute plan like a beach or pool day. Then I have my activities and outing I’ll go enjoy alone or with friends. For me, my spouse and I agreed that when we are having quality time together, there are no devices. It is not spending quality time to be in the same space on your phones or out together on your phones. I don’t mind when we are at home and kind of doing our own thing for some hours at a time but we will still also plan to watch something together. So it’s matter of doing things you guys can enjoy together and still getting out to so the things everyone else doesn’t really enjoy for yourself.
Go go go, meet in the middle for lunch, then go go go until dinner.
Be out 3 times a week and stay indoors 4 times? Since it’s two against one they get an extra day lol. It’s also pretty unhealthy to be sat indoors on your phone all week. Use that to back you up.
This is already too much for me, and I’m not your husband.
You sound cooped up. Join a local hiking group or something? lol
I’m an introvert, I love doing nothing. Like when someone asks me my plans and they’re ‘nothing’, my plan is literally to do nothing. My husband goes stir crazy within a few hours of being in one place. We either agree to do something together we both enjoy and/or are willing to do OR he goes and does whatever he wants without me. It doesn’t bother me when he goes though…. but I know he also sits around the house with me just to spend time together. Just like sometimes I go do what he wants to do. It’s all about compromise and how bad you want to spend time together. But I also enjoy time by myself so 🤷🏼♀️
How did you not think this was not going to happen when you were dating? Where there any signs that you both had pretty much opposite personalities ?
My husband is a homebody as well. He wasn’t always; he used to be extremely social. President of the Student Body, Social Chairman of his fraternity, Life of the Party.
In his case, the change was a side effect of his sobriety. He just gradually wanted to leave the house less and less over the years he’s been in recovery. Until he pretty much went to work and came home, with the occasional trip to the dispensary. (please don’t judge, his sobriety is his to manage, pot keeps his OCT in check and he hasn’t had a drop of alcohol in 9 years)
Unlike your husband, mine didn’t mind me going out and doing my own thing. He actually encouraged it. Also, my husband can’t sit still (another side effect oh his sobriety), so he worked on projects around the house.
Still, even knowing and understanding why he became a homebody, and supporting this new dynamic in order to support his sobriety, it left me feeling lonely and frustrated from time to time.
I missed going on dates, to parties, concerts in the park, walks on the beach, all the couples things married people do together.
But this was where we were, this was the new us. I accepted it for what it was.
And then he started having panic attacks, entirely unrelated to this issue. He went to the doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety. (I think it was depression as well, but I wasn’t there for the diagnosis and my husband has never said so) Either way, once they got his meds figured out, it was a bloody miracle!
I mean, he’ll never again be that guy who wants to go to every festival or party, but he makes an effort to go out and do things with me maybe twice a month, sometimes thrice. These outings typically revolve around a trip to the hardware store/nursery with a 50% chance we’ll stop for lunch at a diner nearby. And I talked him into attending a town council meeting with me, and he got hooked on all the drama of small town politics, so now we go every month.
So not exactly date nights. But I’ll take each and every outing and cherish it. Because we’re enjoying each other, outside of the house, and having so much fun together.
I guess my point here is twofold. First, don’t give up; change is possible. Second, get your husband to a doctor; so many mental health issues go undiagnosed, causing unnecessary suffering.
Good luck.
Can I ask why you got married to him?
I hate outside, there’s no rhyme or reason but I’d rather be inside with a book or movie or my PC, really just anything not outside. But my husband is the typical outdoorsy guy. He likes hunting, fishing, and just generally being outside.
My opinion? You are married, it’s 85% about compromise, 10% about co-existing and 5% about other crap. I hate outside, but my husband doesn’t, so when he wants to do X, Y, or Z I go, I don’t complain, I just let him have his outside time and try like hell to find enjoyment in it too. However, I have limits too. I hate hunting, I wont go. Fishing? I don’t like it, I usually opt to stay home with the baby.
Sounds to me like someone isn’t compromising, maybe have a conversation; ‘Hey I really want to go do {Specific Activity} With you, maybe after we can {Something they like}’ Or ask them if there’s any 1 or 2 specific activities that are no-go’s and then ask if they’ll make an effort to accompany you on some of the others.
Best of luck to you!
Get a friend to do things with.
There’s no need for him to make you feel bad for being who you are and pursuing happiness, even though you find it in different areas.
Time to read The Five Languages of Love and learn about each other.
My husband is largely not a vacation kind of guy. He likes to spend his time and money on his hobbies (mostly his truck but he’s getting back in to gaming) and I am at the point I would rather spend it on experiences. For example instead of getting AirPods (from my super amazing MIL) decided to go see my childhood bff in Florida.
It was great. It made me feel young and so many memories!
Tonight I went to a deep well aquatic aerobics class for the first time. Even though it means I won’t see my husband much tonight (he’s up and gone by 6am) he encouraged me because it made me happy.
Try and come together. We have a mini vaca booked for august with my childhood bff (since I was 11, I’m 44 now) and my adult bff who my husband is close to although he’s out of state now.
He’s not thrilled about it but he will have a great time! (It’s a super cool sorta open floor plan with 3 beds/2 baths) it’s got a hot tub and is right on the creek so during the day we will be in tubes on it and I can’t wait
Sounds like he’s addicted to social media :/
Yeah we are the same and then I feel like a flake because it’s him that wants to stay home when I’m trying to plan things and he cancels
Your husband just morphed into this, or was he always this way and you just decided it’s a problem now?
How old is your daughter? If she’s really young it might be that he finds it difficult to get her packed up and manageable on outside adventures.
How frequently do you go do your own thing? Could you both manage something like he can watch the kid one afternoon a week while you do your thing, and you’ll watch the kid one afternoon a week while he does his thing? Then every other week, you trade choosing the family activity for the day.
Idk, this was probably something to figure out before marriage. I’m a homebody and don’t love my days being filled with activities. Your description of needing to be out and about exploring and foraging and doing this that and the third sounds like my personal hell. Some people are just happier at home. I find this go go go stuff very exhausting.
My husband is more extroverted and likes to go do stuff. I go sometimes, and I don’t sometimes. He stays home sometimes. But he doesn’t have an attitude about it if I don’t feel like doing stuff all the time or if we have to cut down the number of activities. I don’t give him shit for needing to get out of the house. We compromise. He goes out most days. I don’t.
We knew this about each other before getting married and figured out a system that works for us. We don’t resent each other’s differences. Idk. Seems like a weird thing to just now be trying to sort out.
Ask him to plan something
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Has he always been this way?
You sound like a Sagittarius!
Sounds like this is more about phone addiction than being a homebody from reading your responses to people.
You sound like a border collie, *go go go*. It’s not everyone’s thing to be on the move, what’s his job? Is your daughter in school? Life’s draining. He’s on his phone a lot yeah? He’s escaping life a bit. I’m sure it doesn’t help that you make him feel boring bc he’s not a busy body that needs lot of action everyday. Why did you marry him? This was clearly evident for a long time. Especially raising your daughter similar to him you had to have known. Did you think your child would make him want to do more activities?
I saw your board game comment, while I’m similar to you and had to adjust to meeting my husband in the middle and finding enjoyment in downtime- board games take a lot out of people!
I’m a homebody so I can relate with your husband.
Does he work long hours or in stressful situations? Sometimes after work all I want to do is lie on bed and stare at the wall and it can be a bit overwhelming when someone else around me is bouncing off the wall trying to get me to go out. In which case, choose better timings.
What are his interests? Perhaps he enjoys electronics in which case you can organise trips to an electronics fair, checking out the latest apple product etc.
Or you can combine his home bound interest to your outdoor interests. Say if you like foraging, and he likes cooking, you can forage something and he can cook it. You can involve your daughter as well and eventually they might join you in your foraging activities.
Also get to know why they don’t like to join you, specific reasons. Like I don’t enjoy big crowds and long waits, which is probably why I won’t enjoy the zoo. Perhaps they don’t enjoy speaking to strangers, which is probably why they won’t enjoy breweries. Or maybe they don’t like the heat, so you can organise hikes that don’t happen during noon. It’ll give you a sense of what they have less resistance to and you guys can go visit/explore those things instead.