I’ve been going out with this girl for 7 months now. We went very slowly as her father passed away shortly into dating but she said that she was able to grieve quickly as he had been sick for years and she had been expecting it for a long time. Still, it was a very difficult time for her and I gave her the space that she needed to process it properly, particularly over Christmas which was tough. Since then we’ve really fallen for each other, gotten to know each other really well, celebrated her birthday with what she said was “the most thoughtful gifts I’d received in 10 years”, met each others families, planning events in the short, and even very long term future, and started saying “I love you” to each other.
Things have been going really, really well but I’ve been reflecting lately and noticed a behavioural pattern from myself that could become a problem in the future. I have a tendency to go into myself when talking about certain topics such as:
1. I remember early on when she told me that she needs time before being touchy (given that she had spent 2 years trying to avoid getting covid for father) and I kinda just went “awh thats ok” and brushed it away without giving her time for further elaboration.
2. When we defined that we are in a relationship I said to her “I’m kind of awkward about this stuff and I know that we never really had the ‘what are we?’ conversation but I think I know that we are looking for the same thing and that we are in a relationship” and she said “I think so too”. I feel that I should have used this more as a way to ask about children, marriage, what a relationship means to her, what she wants and needs from a relationship etc.
3. She was showing me pictures of a play she was doing before and it eventually came to this picture of a guy who she said jokingly “we all liked him” and then said “this was before I met you but I actually text him for a while before he drifted away”. I kind of laughed but really felt very jealous and insecure about it and left the room for a minute to gather myself.
These are the scenarios that have been bothering me most this last few days. I don’t want to use it as a manipulation technique where I’m like “You said these things and hurt me”, more I want to open up to her about my emotions, let her know that I’ve been feeling slight anxiety or jealousy in these certain times but that I’m aware of it and don’t want it to become a thing that stops her from talking to me about certain things.
I feel like there’s alot of potential in this relationship, she talks about me to all of her family and friends, talks about going on her dream trip to Japan with me, tells me that she loves me alot. Everything has been super good but theres some conversations that we need to have and I think that this could maybe be one of them? I’d also like to highlight that this is something I’ve recognised in myself, she hasn’t brought it up, in fact, she has had nothing bad to say about me yet.
The problem is that I’m scared that if I tell her this stuff that she will get scared and have second thoughts about me or lose attraction to me, we’re very positive always joking around with each other so I don’t want to randomly dump all of this stuff on her.
TL;DR: I’ve noticed a tendency to go into myself when uncomfortable emotions come up, would it be a good idea to talk to my girlfriend about this, thus also opening up about my feelings, or would it be too much for this stage of the relationship and cause her to lose attraction?
2 comments
I think it’s important to communicate openly and honestly in a relationship. It shows that you trust your partner and are committed to working through any issues that may arise. It’s okay to be vulnerable and share your concerns with her, as long as you do it in a respectful and non-judgmental way. Remember, a strong relationship is built on trust and communication. Good luck!
1) I think you are fine here. She said she wanted to move slower, and you didn’t question it or argue back which was good. There’s nothing to talk about here, just go slowly like she said.
2) You don’t have to talk about all of that in one sitting. You can talk to her about it another time, it doesn’t have to be a big thing.
3) I don’t think this is something you should be talking about with her. She wasn’t dating you. That may be better for therapy.
Anyway it sounds like you are an overthinker, and when you feel nervous you feel a sense of urgency. it’s okay to go into yourself and think about things more. People do that all the time where they have to talk to their therapist or journal to figure out what they think about something.
I don’t think opening up to her will cause her to lose attraction necessarily, but you need to come up with what you want the end result to be. What do you want from her? If it’s just general insecurities, I would not tell her yet because she may feel helpless since she can’t do anything. That is something for you to work on, unless she notices then you can mention it and tell her what you want from her. Alot of it sounds in your head though.