My uncle who was my legal guardian (dad) growing up is getting older by the week it feels, and I’m constantly thinking about death. Recently it has gotten so bad he does not even have the strength to walk by himself and is barely hungry. (He’s not sick, just old. My aunt is younger and taking care of him.)
I live about an hour away so visiting needs some planning, and as you all know life gets busy. I make sure to schedule calls and visits each week, but I just feel like I’m not doing enough. We are very close, and it feels like there’s so much left I want to share with him – things that require time.
Of course I will start therapy again, but I want to hear from your experiences.
7 comments
Loss of appetite in itself suggest his days are numbered. Try to visit but for when you can’t, try to call. Even a brief call will be appreciated. Your aunt may appreciate it too.
Your uncle knows you love him, although he’d love to see you,hear from you more he’s probably happy as hell knowing your busy living your life. The last thing he’s gonna want is you burdening yourself.
Write him a letter every week. Might be fun for him to get some mail.
I’ve been sending older relatives postcards from my son (toddler) with fun stories about what he’s up to.
Does you aunt have a video call app on her phone? Don’t hesitate to call. Even just a minute a day
My father died when I was pretty young, so the situation was somewhat controlled. He was in hospice with terminal cancer at just over 40 years old.
“Don’t forget to tell Dad bye,” my ma would remind me.
I’m glad she did, because the last thing I said to my father was, “Bye Dad! Love you!”
I don’t have any great strategy to tell you, just remind him that you love him and don’t forget to say goodbye.
All my immediate family other than my brother and maternal grandfather are dead.
My grandfather help raise my brother and I and he’s getting up there in years. Parkinson’s, not exactly healthy etc etc. He snowbirds here in Florida about an hour away. I make it a point to call him and see him once a week. More if he’s having something going on with his health etc etc.
We’ve had a verbal conversation that he understands my life is busy with a full career, my wife and kids, my home etc etc and he wants me to “get busy living”. But I still feel fully obligated as I know he is getting old and one of the last of us in regards to my birth family outside of my brother and I. I would just tell you to do your best. He knows you are. Death is coming for all of us. The best thing you can do is accept that and spend the time while you can.
My father passed away in 2019, he lived in the same shithole apartment for fuck….20 years? He was always very much paycheck to paycheck but her had zero debt, he never took out any kind of loan/credit card anything. When my grandparents died I knew they left him some money and he talked about moving out by me and my family (I live in Washington, he was a lifelong Vermonter) and he had all kinds of plans. He had a few health issues but when we talked he was always visiting doctors and taking care of it. Turned out he wasn’t, he ended up with an infection that took his life VERY suddenly.
Unfortunately I had only been with him in person once in 16 years, my wife and I were too broke to afford to fly out and see him (especially after we had kids) and he was, as I found out after he passed and I helped clean out his place) a very serious hoarder and recluse. So he wasn’t going anywhere. The day after he passed I flew out to help my aunt settle affairs, I was shocked when I made the discovery of his hoarding but I was even more shocked to find out that he had inherited quite a bit more from my grandparents than I had thought and he had saved 99% of it to leave to me. I had so many emotions, gratitude, grief that maybe if he’d used it on himself to get help he’d still be around, elation because it was enough money to pay off all my debt and put a down payment on our first house, IMMENSE guilt for being excited about the money….
Overall I felt like shit to be honest. 3.5 years later I’ve come to a couple conclusions, first I did what he would have wanted me to, I got out of debt, after 16 years of marriage I bought my family our first house. He would be so happy to know that HE is the reason that I am able to have a better life than he ever did. I look at my kids now and put myself in my Pops shoes, thinking about what I want to be able to do for them like he did for me. At the end of the day, I simply try to live in a way that would make him proud of me. That’s the best I can do, and that’s enough.