He’s (30M) a great guy, very thoughtful and considerate of my needs. We’ve been dating for about a month and a half. However, I (29F) can’t help but feel like the way he talks sometimes is worrying. I need help understanding why I feel this way.
He talks shit about his ex-girlfriend every time it comes up in conversation. I could sort of understand that, given that she cheated on him. However, he has also talked shit about her family, and that’s the worrying part to me. I understand that dealing with a partner’s family can sometimes be challenging, but something about talking about this to a relatively new girlfriend is unattractive / not classy to me. It doesn’t sound like they were that bad, honestly.
He’s also talked shit about his brother’s fiancee, saying she’s pretentious and superficial. Again, he and I have not been dating that long, but I don’t know why it makes me so uncomfortable when he talks like this. I’m also struggling to understand why I’m sceptical of his perspective.
11 comments
Ok, venting a little about a cheating ex is understandable. But if it’s coming up a lot you know she’s still taking up a lot of space in his head.
But when you run into a person who talks shit about everyone behind their back, that says everything you need to know about their character. Doesn’t matter how nice he is to your face, you just know that soon as you do anything that slightly bothers him he’s gonna be talking shit about you too, or your family or your friends.
You’re right. Don’t brush this off.
He could be venting to you, because he quickly felt comfortable around you. That would be a good thing. He could be venting, because that’s his nature and he’ll find something to complain about every time someone does something that doesn’t please him.
If it’s the first thing; yaay. Means you can talk to him and let him know that you’re happy with him being comfortable around you, but since he’s with you or at least dating to be serious, he should conserve a bit more of his energy and moods for your potential relationship.
If it’s the second thing; it’s probably a precursor of what your relationship will be like…
Thread carefully as you’re trying to find out which it is.
How often is his ex coming up? Why—by whom?
Regardless, I’d be weary about being in a relationship with someone who hasn’t processed the anger and/or resentment from their last relationship. Being cheated on is traumatic, but it’s his responsibility to work through it and heal at some point; therapy is usually the most effective.
So he’s also a shit talker. I wonder who else he’ll bash on next. At least he’s showing his true colors so early on in the relationship.
He still is a bit hurt over his ex and trauma it caused.
Ur put off by it because it’s not a good look even if she did hurt him etc. it’s totally normal to be off put by it.
My ex was a bad partner, but I don’t really bad mouth her. If people ask I just say the main reason we broke up and leave it at that. I consider constant shit talking about others is a red flag.
Have you ever been cheated on and had their family rally around and defend them for cheating?
Christ, this guy can’t even keep up the pretence for 6 weeks! This is absolutely the way he will talk about you and your family too.
Listen to your instincts chick. Run. Now.
Huge red flag. Huge.
Because on some level you know that if he’s talking badly about them, he’ll talk badly about you too.
Your five senses are smart. They are warning you. Your not listening to your own good sense.
This doesn’t just go for this guy, this goes for everybody you ever encounter:
Avoid shit-talkers. Don’t have anything to do with them. They are toxic. Everything you say can and will be used against you, to anyone who will listen the moment your back is turned. Always remember, if they talk shit about others, they will most definitely talk shit about you too. Nothing to them is sacred and when push comes to shove, they will throw you under the bus if it serves them.
That is what is causing that bad feeling in your gut. When people show/tell you what they are, believe them.