I’m a late bloomer when it comes to romantic relationships, I’ve just always been very picky and waited for the right person to come around.

A couple years ago, I hooked up with a couple guys while in college. It wasn’t something I was seeking out, just situations that I got involved in and ended up not seeing a future with those individuals. I have always regretted it because I always wanted to wait for my first boyfriend to lose my virginity, but it was a dark time for me and I lost sight of who I was/my values. I also gave up on the right person coming around and was very frustrated with dating. It was not at all ‘fun’, I quickly learned that casual is not for me and that you can’t force yourself to like someone. I know I don’t necessarily need to justify my decisions or actions, but they are something I regret. They were also learning experiences and I vowed to remain celibate until I met the one.

Fast forward a couple years and I finally thought I met him–we immediately clicked, have so many similarities, and something about the way I felt with him was just different…I knew I wanted to be with him and I didn’t run away like I usually do. When I met him, I was just enjoying life on my own, focusing on myself and my career; I’d essentially given up on romance and was just waiting for the right person to come around and wasn’t too worried about when that would be.

However, things quickly went south when we talked about our pasts a couple weeks in. At first, he didn’t give me any indication that it bothered him. But as we got closer and I started to ask about becoming official, he revealed his true thoughts.

He’s only ever been in serious relationships/one “situationship” with a girl he says he couldn’t date because he found out she had hooked up with his friend before. So I understand his preferences and of course he is entitled to them. But we continued to get more serious and it’s only gotten worse the closer we’ve gotten.

At first, he told me he could maybe get over it. Then, that turned into him feeling like he would have to hook up with a couple people casually to feel like he was on an even playing field with me to be able to date me. Then, his friends found out about my past and dating became fully off the table.

Now, we’ve fallen in love and it’s a tough situation. He is upset with me because I am perfect for him in every way except for this one deal breaker and he takes it out on me by slut shaming me. He tells me he is not going to be the nice guy I settle down with after having my fun, even though this is clearly not what it is. He doesn’t want to be seen as a lesser man. He tells me I had a h\*e phase and gets mad at me for it. He is distant when we are in public together because he’s afraid we’ll run into the guys I’ve hooked up with. He tells me our sex isn’t special because I’ve given it to other guys who did not have to commit for it. He tells me I don’t value sex the same way he does, which is not true–I think sex is only special if it’s someone you’re in love with and that is why I had personally chosen to never get involved with someone like that again unless I am dating them/in love with them. Something happened to me in high school that gave me a warped view of sex, thinking that it was disrespectful and wondering how I could ever do that to someone I loved, but he has helped me turn that around. He tells me, despite anything me saying otherwise, that he is not my first love and that my first love is the person I lost my virginity to and that will be the person I always remember. He thinks that he is not special to me at all when in reality, he is my first love and the first person I have given all of myself to. He tells me to ask my future husband if he wishes I was a virgin before meeting him and that he will say yes.

He has now told me that the only thing he can offer me is an open relationship on his end so that the sex isn’t special for either of us. He tells me I deserve more than that and that someone can give me a normal relationship but it won’t be him.

At this point, I wish I hadn’t gotten in so deep and allowed myself to be strung along like this. For a long time, I just didn’t understand…if you love someone, you’ll want to be with them no matter what, right?

He is entitled to his preferences, and I’m sure he has loved getting girlfriend benefits without fully committing. We are essentially in a relationship and we both haven’t been seeing anyone else. I know I should probably get out and wait for someone who commits to me despite my past. Alas, I am in love and as a late bloomer, I feel like a 16 year old girl trapped in a 25 year old’s body falling in love for the first time and going crazy over it. I love and care for him deeply. I do so much for him and am clearly head over heels but it isn’t enough to help his insecurities.

What should I do in this situation? Has anyone experienced something like this before?

tldr; guy refuses to make it official with me because I’ve been with other guys outside of a relationship, slut shames me for it and tells me he can only offer me an open relationship (open on his end only).

27 comments

  2. DTMFA and move on. All I’m hearing is some serious marinara about this guy. And his friends.

    You deserve to be with someone who respects you.

  3. He’s not a good man so why waste more time on him?

    Also you like, barely have a “past”. I’m guessing you grew up in some right wing religious background or something but to like, normal people you have an average past. Nothing to get all ashamed about.

  4. He’s not perfect for you if he makes you feel bad about who you are. He’s manipulating because if it was a hard boundary he should’ve stop pursuing you and a very insecure person if it got worse when his friends found out.

  5. >What should I do in this situation?

    Break up with him. He’s a giant red flag.

    This is your first relationship. It’s not surprising it’s a big deal, but this guy is not the one for you. If he was, he wouldn’t make you feel like shit about yourself.

    Throw him back and go fish.

  6. Yea, good men who love you don’t place your value based on your (small) sexual history. The dude has to work through his own insecurities, and also shouldn’t be sharing your personal sexual history with his friends. This is not a healthy relationship, throw him back and wait for the next one.

  7. I stopped reading when he said he would need to sleep around to feel like he’s even with you.

    You’re being played.

  9. Your past is minimal at best, dont beat yourself up about it. Yes, he can have preferences, but he needs therapy because what he is saying is just off the wall. Move on and find the right guy.

  11. He sounds awful, give him a swerve. A couple of guys in college is not exactly the cock carousel now is it, not that I have a problem with people who’ve got high numbers anyway.
    I expect he’s just toxic and even if you’d been the virgin Mary he would find some other nonsense way to pick at your self esteem and run you down. Dump and move on before he messes up your head.

    Edit: I just noticed in your tldr that he offers you an open relationship but only on his end. Hilarious. Seriously now lady there is nothing to consider here give him the boot.

  12. I don’t think he’s Mature enough to have a real relationship. The things he said you were hurtful and wrong. Everybody has a past of some sort. Some guys are OK with it and some guys aren’t have nowhere to hook up culture there’s people out there with hundreds in their past and they still will find somebody to have a relationship that doesn’t care. so first thing you should do is remove yourself from the situation find somebody that can and will accept you for who you are

  13. This guy is a misogynist loser, probably listens to Tate podcasts, and isn’t worth the amount of emotional energy you’re wasting trying to figure out what his problem is. His problems are pathetic insecurity and misogyny, neither is fixable, move on.

  15. Fucking leave his ass now. Don’t put up with his shit. Walk away and don’t look back. He is trying to play you. Don’t let him.

  17. No, just stop all of this, just stop dating this misogynist piece of trash. Dump him and date a person from this century, not someone stuck in the mentality of 1750. Also how can he be perfect for you, if he hates women? Yes he does. He hates that women have a life. If you stay with him, he will forever make you miserable. Also consider how he’s lying: if it was that much of a deal-breaker that you were not a virgin (at 25 years old!!!!) then he would have blocked you and moved on and waited at the entrance of convents to see if a nun is ready to renounce to her nun vows and date him. He didn’t, he still dates you but only to make you feel bad, cheat on you all he wants (you didn’t consent to an open relationship, so it IS cheating) and try to make you so desperate for his “forgiveness” from when you didn’t even know him, that you’d do anything for him or so he wants. I bet that’s how he operates with all women. You can do better.

  18. A couple sexual partners at 25 seems on the low end. Although I’m older and I guess my student experience didn’t happen in a pandemic so maybe things are a bit different now.

    But either way this man is not it. He’s got some misogyny and immaturity he needs to work through. People have pasts. Most people understand that. Most people experiment sexually. So unless you hold some very serious religious or moral convictions and are dating someone in that same boat you need to understand your partner has had a life before you showed up

    Its quite possible ive had more sexual partners then your boyfriend and his friends combined and I can tell you that I have never had a man treat me like that. Women are not objects that are ruined when another man uses them or whatever 1802 mentality these dudes have going on.

    Sometimes I’ve had more sexual experiences than my partner, sometimes less, sometimes we talk about it, sometimes we don’t. But at the end of the day it’s all in the past. You’re dating someone for the future. If you’re looking for a genuine relationship it’s about working together and building something good in the present and in the future. There are tonnes of men out there who won’t act like this one. I get that you have the feels for this one but he’s shallow and let’s his friends dictate his life. Find a better man.

  19. At least the people you slept with in the past were decent enough to be honest (it seems) about their intentions.

    This bloke is a different level of menace altogether and he has a very warped view of women and sex.

    “*I* am perfect *for him*”. This struck me as an odd thing to say. How do you know? Why did you phrase the statement in such a way? Why not, “*I* love *him* desperately”?

    This bloke is unstable, potentially abusive and he will pose a danger to you. Not physically, perhaps, but certainly emotionally. He has already stated to you that he fully intends to fuck other women to ‘even the score’ and continue doing so because you had the temerity to have a sexual relationship with someone who was not him. I notice t was okay for him to be blowing the legs off his previous girlfriends. That’s clearly not a problem

    Leave him be, find someone more mature, someone grown up who loves you for who you are, not shames you for who you’ve slept with. This hypocrite is acting like a fifteen year old.

    And don’t beat yourself up for losing your virginity on a brief fling or two. It might sound brutal to say but in the grand scheme of things (career choice, health, financial stability, death of friends and family etc), your virginity is no good to you when you’ve got it and you don’t miss it when it’s gone.

    Live your life, be happy, find a good bloke but leave this one in your dust. He is not the one for you. Or anyone else with any pride.

  20. This guy has serious issues. He’s not worth the drama, he’s immature, he’s insecure, he’s childish, he’s a manipulator- he’s waving more red flags than a marching band. Dump his misogynistic butt-you deserve better

  21. This guy sounds like a complete tool. Seriously, read over what you’ve written here then ask yourself if he actually deserves your love and commitment.

  23. You deserve soooo much better than him. He’s emotionally abusive and is making you feel bad about yourself. You need to dump him and make him realize this is HIS loss. HE is giving up on a great relationship with a great person because he’s a misogynist whose only criteria for valuing women is the number of men they’ve slept with. He is poison to any relationship and it won’t stop with just his purity culture bullshit.

  25. Wow. Dude is fucking manipulating you. Run. You do not deserve to be put in this situation. Find someone better.

  26. So, I have a 40+ body count, I’ve dated a girl once with a 100+ body count. The number of partners you’ve had previously has nothing to do with how special the sex is. It’s the relationship you cultivate around the sex that makes it special. If I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have slept around as much, but, at the same time, if I hadn’t slept around so much, I would not have met my wife. I was like my wife’s third sexual partner in her life.

    Sexual experience can lead to baggage, but everything we do or don’t do gives us baggage all the same.

    Using your past against you to wedge an unfair balance in a relationship is fucked up and manipulative. If your partner wants to fuck other girls so bad, that’s what he should go do. It’s a very immature perspective, and it’s evil to enforce.

    You should not be with this person. Sex is just something you can do with another person. If the person is special to you, it makes the sex special too, regardless of how many bodies are in yours or their piles. There is a shit ton more to a relationship than bodies. Go find someone who understands that.

  27. Why do you even like this guy? He sounds like a pretentious, pathetic, insecure, cruel liar who will use everything he knows about you to manipulate and humiliate you. If this is how he treats you, it isn’t love. I can’t imagine there is anything about this relationship that makes up for the way he treats you like trash, except that .maybe you feel you deserve it for not being a virgin – and he fulfills your needs to punish yourself for that. Seriously, there’s not one thing in this post that indicates he’s anything more than an AH who has figured out how to get you to do whatever he wants you to.

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