I had to dates with a girl before she started pulling away and eventually told me she didn’t feel a connection.
The first date went alright I think. It ended up lasting 4 hours until the bar closed. We had lots in common and ended up opening up a bit about personal stuff. When we parted ways, I told her I had a good time, and she told me „I think so“, almost as a question. She seemed insecure a bit. 40 minutes after she was home, she sent me one of these Bumble icons.
I wrote her back the following day. I asked her how she got hold of a book she mentioned. I didn’t answer her reply as I was working. 3 hours later she double texts me saying she could give it to me. She was very quick to agree to a second date. I viewed all of these things as very positive.
The second date went well enough, or so I thought. I thought she looked significantly more nervous though. But the conversations flowed well and she‘d ask me questions. She seemed excited to do some stuff together, and at the end of the date, she gave me the book. I asked her for a third date, and she said yes and proposed over the weekend.
The following day, I wrote her back for a date plan which included a restaurant. She took almost 8 hours to answer and told me she worked all weekend. But she didn’t propose another date (unlike for the second date). The rest of her text also made me think something was wrong. I told her to tell me when she was available, but she only thumbed up my text. I tried chatting a couple of days later and she seemed pretty responsive and quick, sending me 5 texts in a row including screenshots. But the convo died off weirdly, I might have said something wrong.
I had no news after a week. I finally decided to give it one last try. Last Friday, I asked her if she was still free that day or on Sunday. She answered quite quickly that she had something that day, and didn’t know yet if she was in town for Sunday. I told her to let me know and that we could otherwise find another day, and to have a nice party. She answered relatively positively with exclamation points and smileys. I felt good about it. But she followed on Saturday night close to midnight that it wouldn’t work. Again, she didn’t propose another day.
I tried to get at the heart of it and call her on the following day. She didn’t answer and wouldn’t write me back. I then decided to ask her per text if she still wanted to continue to date me, and that I liked her. She told me she didn’t feel a connection. I then thanked her for the dates and wished her the best.
But I‘m still confused. She showed very positive signs, including giving me a book, and said she wanted a third date. I understand having two dates is no guarantee for anything, but I feel like things changed so quickly. Maybe the second date didn’t go so well (and it’s very possible, I was very tired and talking in a language I‘m not 100% comfortable), but if the first date went well, why not try to give another chance in case the second one was a dud? I‘d be much less confused if we went on one more date, even if it could have hurt more. I guess I want to know if I did anything wrong… the late text almost makes me think she was on the fence. She also appeared to me to be someone who had a though time in her life, with not a very strong self esteem. Maybe I was not approachable enough. Or maybe it was a deal-breaker she learned in the second date. I guess I’ll never know. Maybe I just want to „vent“.
7 comments
Was there any intimacy in the first 2 dates? Not sex but kissing or anything like that?
Sounds like she was dating around and found someone else tbh. But great way to handle the situation by thanking her, shows on your side your a strong well minded person
Did you kiss her after either date?
Did you meet online? Guys are always at a disadvantage for online because women have all of the power.
And yes, it sounds like she found met someone she’s more into.
She found someone else between those 2 days
I’m going to go a slightly different direction then most responders. This girl is _ambivalent_. She genuinely doesn’t know what she wants. Rather, she knows she likes some parts of dating hates hates HATES others. This might seem weird and inconsistent, if you were from Mars and didn’t realize almost everyone is like this to a certain extent. She seems to be a bit more confused than most at the moment.
Main points: this isn’t on you. Your connection after 2 dates is not nearly as strong as literally everything else in her life that you don’t know about yet.
What this means. It means she likes you some but isn’t swept off her feet. That part is healthy. Two days in, a solid like is a good place to be if you’re looking for a stable ongoing relationship. What isn’t so healthy is her extreme vacillation. But it’s not really abnormal, considering how often almost all of us do something comparable.
How you should handle it. This part is tricky. If your no. 1 objective is to keep seeing her at all costs, the correct attitude is just being cool. There is a very high chance that she’ll eventually agree to another date. (She didn’t lend you that book to encourage you to be a kidding learner.) I’m fact, while she could be talking to other guys, my guess is that she is such a fraught bundle of nerves that she couldn’t handle doing this with more than one person at a time. She swings from loneliness and desire for connection to panic and dread. If you give her the option of “getting to the heart of things,” she will be very grateful to you for the opportunity to get off the roller coaster and say see ya. That way, later, when she’s lonely, she can tell herself you basically made the decision for her. Then she’ll start the process with someone else. This’ll keep going on until she meets her love at first site who understands and knows how to react to her every move and sigh… or until she meets a p.o.s. manipulator who knows how to push her buttons and take advantage of her. Choose your adventure, you know?
So, if you do really want to see her again, the bright side is that this is far from a rejection.
The more complicated question is whether you do want to see her again. The one unalterable fact you must understand is that she is going to be moody and volatile for a long time, even within the context of a relationship. Even in the context of a _successful_ relationship, she is going to be like that for a long time, or maybe ever. And, of course, the relationship may not be successful, in which case she may take you on the roller coaster over and over, and then dump you seemingly out of nowhere.
And it will all have nothing to do with you. This is her attachment style. It has to do with patterns she learned a long time before you met that will probably be a dominant affect of her personality even if you get married for 50 years. (Though in that case it’ll probably tamp down over time. A little.)
The question you would have to ask yourself is, can you be with someone like that and not take it personally? Can you be with her and enjoy the ups and downs and even be irritated to one day be dumped with no warning, and then just shrug it off, “Better to have loved and lost” style? Are you also a horse with a large horn growing out of your forehead who sprouts wings on a seasonal basis? If so, then go for it. You’ll learn a lot. You’ll even be a positive, stabilising force in her life whom she nonetheless will dump a number of times unceremoniously. If you understand that and it really doesn’t bother you, go for it man.
But, you’re probably not. In fact, you probably are aware that that’s not your personality, given that you asked for a clarification at this stage already. That’s fine. Great, even. You know who you are, and you know the type of person you want to be with. Think about what that does: you got to make some sort of convention with this person, and you get to say goodbye without any misunderstandings, and fights, or any harsh words between you. This is a win!
Just, whatever you do, don’t go obsessing about it you “handled this right,” or if she “wronged” you, or even why she did this at all. The answer is that you don’t know, she doesn’t know, no one really knows. Don’t try to attach s meaning to it. Just try to be as a good and wise and brave and funny abs strong a person as you can.
First question I have is if you guys kissed? If you didn’t and she had your guard up then it means one of two things,either she doesn’t see you as someone she wants to date or she was seeing other people and was seeing around. I think she found someone else though
As a girl, if I get along with a guy but he doesnt kiss me on the first two dates i understand that there is not going to be a romantic spark so I try to turn pages…
I get that there is shy people. Thats why I would give a second date a chance. But if in both there is not that type of chemistry im gone. Maybe its just me, but it would maybe let you get more closure and make you feel more satisfied with yourself if next time you like a girl you risk it even if she seems shy. (I would never initiate the first kiss even if I like the guy but would be disapointed if he didnt do it haha) And once you cross that line the next ones should come naturally:)