We’ve been together for 3 years. We started off as long distance, so we didn’t get a chance to get a feel for each other in person before we fell for each other. As I am someone who values independence and she is someone who values dependence, I’ve always felt there was a disconnect between us regarding that but love her, so i’ve always looked past the little moments where I felt her to be, for a lack of a better word, needy. I could always put up with because l’ve understood that’s how she expresses love, but l’m reaching a new chapter in my life where I feel like our relationship is starting to feel more like a burden.
Recently, some major internal drama happened in her family that understandably pushed her over the edge. This was not an isolated event as there has been some internal drama happening in her family for years, which I didn’t realise how deep the extent of it all was until these recent months. For context, her family stays in a separate city from the two of us. All of these events really put into perspective for me the extent to which she depends on me emotionally and physically, which I definitely do not blame her because that’s what a relationship is. However, I can’t shake this feeling that I will be happier once I gain my independence again and I feel so terrible for even thinking this.
Honestly, I’ve been feeling this way for months, but recently it feels like something happens with her family that puts her over the edge and I can’t help but feel like I’m the only person she can depend on. Her closest friends are back home and her friends on our side of the world are either ex university friends or work colleagues. I just feel like I’m under a lot pressure to be the partner she needs, and I feel like I’ve been slacking off and not giving my all into our relationship. I’ve noticed I’m becoming more and more annoyed with the little things like her following me around her apartment, her asking me where I’m going when I get up or her clinging onto me when we’re on the couch or in bed, and I feel like that’s the last thing she deserves, especially now.
Just going through a lot of internal conflict at the moment. Do I stay with her and hope our feelings for each other overcomes everything, do I wait until things with her family become resolved to tell her how I feel, or do I be selfish and call our relationship off?
3 comments
What did you expect would happen originally and why is it different now?
I don’t think you are wrong to feel this way. You need to express this to your girlfriend, and let her know that she needs some emotional dependence.
Either it being a phone call to a friend or family member, a therapy session, or you getting a night alone. That is a lot of pressure for the both of you to be under constantly.
You’re not her emotional support animal or a therapist. I can appreciate that she’s having issues but they’re not yours to solve.
I know you said therapy isn’t in the financial cards for her but has she actually looked for any low cost/sliding scale/free services? If she’s low income, I’d like to believe she would qualify for low cost services.
You have no obligation to stay with her regardless of her current state. You are half this relationship and deserve to be happy too.
As for your independence, it’s healthy to have your own friends, hobbies, and interests separate from a partner. If that’s not something they’re comfortable with then they’re not a good fit.