I (M28) just started dating this girl. And she seems tailor made for me. She has almost everything I’ve been looking for in a girl: appearance and body type, high intelligence, LOTS of similar interests, opinions and behaviours (we often state how similar we are in a shocking way), we like each other’s friends and they approve of us together, we don’t fight, good sex, good mental health, maturity and we even live just a few blocks away.
We’ve been seeing each other for just 2 weeks now, but spent half of those days together. Recently 4 days in a row with her in my place. Typical honeymoon phase. And she seems to like me as much as I like her.
And yet…I feel no euphoria. No intense spark that makes me feel enamoured by her. Like I was “high” in some kind of drug. Like I felt before with previous partners. And no anxiety about losing her. Instead, it feels really stable, really normal, common, sober.
Does that mean I’m not that into her? That she is not the right partner for me?
Logically, I know this can not be. Because of everything I said above, how compatible we are. And I know I enjoy spending time with her and that I don’t want that to stop, and I if ended things with her I would regret it. So why don’t I feel like the way I expected I would feel in this situation?
One thing to note is, my previous girlfriends were very emotionally unstable. Hot and cold. Especially the last one. They were very fun and extroverted, the life of the party in one moment, and depressed and abusive in another. They remind me of my mother actually (Freud would have something to say about that).
But this new girl is nothing like that. She seems very stable, not either high or low. So I wonder if that’s what’s “missing” and why I feel no euphoria. No rollercoaster of emotions. And why it feels kinda “boring” in a way (I feel bad for saying that about her, she is a wonderful person).
There are moments when I look at her and think “god, she is great” or “I really like this girl”. But it still feels calm, low, not intense.
Should I try something to feel that “high”? Or should I adjust my expectations?
24 comments
This is what happens when you find a good, stable partner.
Those ‘highs’ you experienced before were manipulated by the volatile nature of your previous relationships; and the extreme lows that preceded them.
Everyone loves the feeling of the *chase;* but everyone also eventually grows out of this and wants more from their relationships.
This is probably it.
Quite often, people don’t appreciate a good relationship until it passes them by though.
This is just the sign of a mature relationship.
This time, you’re enjoying a boat ride down a calm river. Before you were having the ups and downs of a roller coaster
My guy friend says the check list thing doesnt work. It takes spending time with someone & seeing how u feel.
If not already, therapy.
You’re used to problems and drama. This girl is normal and you don’t know how to relax.
here’s an anecdote: i “fell in love” with my ex almost at first sight. the way i felt when i was with him i could only describe as “perfect”—our connection was magical. he also chain smoked, drank to the point of getting a beer belly at 25, had no boundaries with himself or other people, was messy, spiteful, flakey, inattentive, overly concerned with appearances, inconsistent, dishonest, unhealthy both in mind and body, had no personal integrity. but since we both felt that unique magical connection i especially ignored all of those things because i thought that was L O V E. and i spent all of my time and energy ruminating on that relationship and how it was going because of LOOOOOOVE. also my life was super boring and i hated it so of COURSE i would be obsessed like that.
im in a position like yours now. seeing a great person, feeling no anxiety, feeling great about them but also confused at that “spark” that’s “missing”. the truth is, real love will not demand all of your energy and all of your time and all of your thoughts. it allows you space to breathe and grow. the “boredom” is the blank space where you get to write yourself back into your life. that space is where two healthy, whole people meet together to make something special and safe and loving. i personally am a bit sad i probably will not feel that sense of euphoria again—it was a once in a lifetime thing—but i think in both of our cases there is something more beautiful and real developing. i hope things go well for you—accept peace into your life!!
Each relationship should feel different, the better ones with little to no karma to play out will likely be happy and smooth and feel like your super connected, as you have seen the difficult ones were playing out unpaid karma.
Wow, your discription sounds like you believe you both are Ken and Barbie in Malibu.
As if love is about perfection and therr is no perfection.
Having the perfect body type? Bodies change. A body is no reflection of personality. You have a relationship based on personality and not body shape.
The answer to you problem is simple. Maybe ask her since you claim she is intelligent.
Sounds like you are used to chaos
Only you can tell if you’re into her. You need more Maturing to do and I dont mean it in a put down way but you should know. You need to break it off with her so you don’t string her along
The romantic high is a lie
What you’re talking about is infatuation, obsession, or lust. Not nessicarily love.
I’m engaged. Love with my partner is soft, and it’s warm. It’s the little moments. It’s waking up in the morning to braid his hair half asleep so he has it braided for work. It’s making him lunches every evening. It’s screaming to music in the car on road trips and flopping into bed beside each other after a long day. There’s only intensity when we make the effort for it to be there, like special fancy dates. That’s what a relationship that is healthy and stable is.
I’m not afraid to lose him because I know I won’t.
I’m not hot and cold because the relationship is only warmth.
You’re used to intensity because it was always forced onto you. I was in an abusive relationship before, and I remember feeling that way after. I knew it was fucked up, because the high and low that abuse brought was all intensity but also all stress and misery but for a time I wondered why there wasn’t that good intensity in relationships. There is. It just doesn’t feel as intense because it’s not coming after an intense low.
What do you need that ‘high’ for?
Welcome to the real world! Congratulations that you have achieved something amazing BUT expecting a “natural high” all the time isn’t happening! Everyone experience those wonderful moments and enjoy them while you can. But please please don’t start looking at others to fulfill your “ Eureka “ moment because you will definitely destroy your own happiness
Please brother, do not fumble something good just because it’s new and different!
Maybe OP are attracted more to the opposites than the alike, and the opposites do not necessarily mean emotionally unstable, which happened to be a palpable difference in the case. Imo OP should explore what you are really attracted to. Like are you really attracted to someone who clearly sounds a bit too similar to you. For me, I know I don’t.
I tend to love to have people who are very similar to me as friends but not in romantic relationships.
Which dating app did you find her?
Well you are spending too much time together. It’s a trap. Slow down your relationship or it will burn out. Lifw your own life and see her a couple or a few times a week
Don’t fumble this.. she sounds perfect and the relationship seems like it’s smooth..
I think what you are missing is the drama trauma that you might have felt with others when they pulled away..
If this one pulled away would you miss her or want her back?
Think about that for a moment.
Maybe this means you are healed to a point of attracting a healed partner. And her presence in your life is shining a little on something that you need to heal. I haven’t been in a healthy relationship so I can’t say but I would want an intense connection and a strong spark but maybe that will grow as you guys get to know each other? It could be that she’s just not right for you but I would focus on quieting your mind, getting in touch with how you really feel and patiently see how things unfold with this girl. Follow your gut and spend time with her if it feels right. And don’t let your trauma ruin what could potentially be a good thing for you. Read up on attachment styles, abandonment wounds and codependency
You don’t need the “high”; media portrays it as some kind of magic sensation that means you found the one. It’s just exaggerated infatuation.
Maybe you two moved too fast into the relationship so now nothing is new anymore.. The get to know each other phase should be experienced slowly and that’s the most exciting part in my opinion. Having sex too soon or spending too much time too soon destroys excitement
The crap you feel in your gut Isnt healthy. Sounds like you found a stable, healthy relationship. I would’ve given anything for that in my life. My last partner made me feel so anxious that I had panic attacks in their presence, I couldn’t think clearly, my stomach hurt, they were like a weird drug to me. Those aren’t people you want in your life
Time to grow up and realize those feelings are temporary anyway and not all that important.