Hi! We have been having good convos throughout and his texting has been so good now but he apologized that work came up literally 30 mins before a date where I intended to DTR. I believe it (lets just say i have reason to believe it). But our schedules and Covid have also kept us from meeting for a month now.
Someome asked me out – I was hoping to get clarity before I could respond to date invite but I wont be getting any this week now.
1- **Should i jsut go out on the date tomorrow?** Ill just not touch/kiss this new guy so that im not in any muddy waters? Technically – even tho we meet rarely due to schedules – I have no idea where im at currently. So im not playing with the new persons feelings.
**NOTE: my guy has made it clear his days are occupied by work. He makes sure to tell me what hes doing on EACH night and I know he’s doing it to say he’s not dating others.** Bottom line: would it be wrong for me to go to date in this context?
3- **if you say yes I should go, then should I tell my guy first? Alert him to it?** I have read WAY too many reddit threads detailing how a guy found out girl went out on dates and she tells him after they DTR and how much it hurt. **I do NOT want to hurt him.**
Pls reddit help. I am so lost 🙁
EDIT: ive DTR’d by text. But it was ignored cos i
Said “we can talk in person.” In person just keeps getting delayed and i dont know if im being lame
Waiting around – been hurt before wherr after months guy said “oops no we werent dating”
28 comments
Well, sounds like you’re not interested in DTR to make it more serious and committed. If you were you wouldn’t even be considering this other person. You should DTR if that’s what you want to do. Also, don’t presume people always tell the truth, you don’t know what he’s doing nor do you know what the two of you are doing together. And, if he isn’t seeing anyone else and sort of assuming you’re together then you really need to have a discussion.
> Bottom line: would it be wrong for me to go to date in this context?
In my world, yes but I don’t operate this way. I’m sure many would say “well you haven’t decided you’re exclusive with guy A so do what you want” but that’s not how I behave with humans.
> I do NOT want to hurt him.
Then be honest and clear. Talk to him about your relationship but, again, sounds like you don’t want anything more from him or this wouldn’t be a dilemma. How can you call someone “my guy” and then ask if you should go out with someone else?
If you’re dating someone for months in my opinion yes it’s wrong. At that point DTR is a formality and if I found out the person I was dating went on a date after “months” we wouldn’t be dating anymore. Someone may say otherwise but I fully believe so. Regardless if you kiss or touch him at all.
My question is why do you want to go on this other date? I’d imagine if you are considering it aren’t you actually all that interested in the first guy.
No if you’re not in a committed relationship you don’t need to tell them. Honestly a month is a very long time not seeing someone. You need to ask yourself if this person is putting in the effort and it’s truly really bad schedules etc and not just excuse.
But And this is just me personally, if I’m ready to DTR with someone, I wouldn’t go on a date with someone else. Not fair to the other person knowing that it’s just a matter of time before I’m in a relationship.
It doesn’t sound like you are ready to DTR if you are entertaining the idea of dating someone else.
>my guy has made it clear his days are occupied by work. He makes sure to tell me what hes doing on EACH night and I know he’s doing it to say he’s not dating others.
If you’re so certain that this is his motivation and you still have questions, you answered yourself.
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>Technically I have no idea where im at currently. So im not playing with the new persons feelings.
*Technically?* Having to add “technically” sounds like a red flag. You’re playing russian roulette with feelings, and you’re clearly more interested in the new person’s feelings than that of the guy who makes a point to let it be known he’s not interested in anyone else. Who you also claim to not want to hurt.
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Ultimately you’re going to do what you want to do. If this newly interested person seems immediately stable, who knows. Maybe they’re a subtantial upgrade from someone who’s wishy-washy and lucky you’ve stuck around as long as you have. But the unknown comes with a lot of unknown variables that are up to your own sensibilities.
Maybe have a conversation with your guy about DTR, and if there’s hesitation, mention you’ve been asked out. He’ll either encourage you to date or reveal that he has some double-standard nonsensical idea of what your non-relationship is, and will make the choice for you whether he means to or not.
Before online dating changed the playing field, that’s how I’d encourage the men I dated to become BF/GF. “So, today I got asked out on a date. What are your thoughts on what I should do?” And, the guys always offered to make things official. Nowadays, people seems so dispensable. Good luck.
I would not be happy if I were the guy you’ve been seeing, but I also start talking about this stuff with people early on to avoid confusion like this. Technically, if you two haven’t discussed it, you’re not doing anything “wrong.” From a non-technical standpoint, I think it’s unkind and kind a bad look.
I also think if you **want** to go out on another date after months of dating, when you were just about to DTR, then you should probably stop dating the first guy? Either he’s not available enough or you’re not interested enough to take this further.
From your comments, it sounds like you want an exclusive relationship with the guy you’ve been seeing (Guy 1), but perhaps are afraid he does not reciprocate that desire. Is that a fair assessment?
If so, then perhaps your cognitive dissonance over whether you want to go on a date with Guy 2 is actually a manifestation of your insecurity over Guy 1’s intentions. Which is to say, is it possible you’re considering a date with Guy 2 so that it will hurt less if Guy 1 does not want to DTR as exclusive? Alternatively, could it be that you’re looking for some confirmation of your desirability?
It’s totally okay and normal if any of the above is what you’re feeling! If you really do want to be exclusive with Guy 1, then I would take a pass on Guy 2. But if you’re feeling doubts about Guy 1, *and* if you actually like Guy 2, then go on the date. Just know that there could be repercussions for it with Guy 1.
Just go on your date.
The fact that you tried to clarify your relationship over text and he keeps putting it off with excuses, he only has himself to blame.
You can tell him you’re going on a date because he hasn’t shown any intention of being serious. Maybe he’ll suddenly find time.
Stick with the first guy until your relationship is defined but keep in mind that….waiting doesnt guarentee a relationship. Also, if it doesnt turn out the way that you want……..you cant blame the guy if you’re the one having to wait for him to define yalls relationship. You’re sacrificing yourself for a maybe.
Get him on the phone right now and have the conversation.
See, this is where you either need to communicate or pull the plug.
I personally think just the fact that you’re seriously entertaining dating someone else means your relationship is doomed. You have this huge need to know where you’re at and aren’t able to communicate well enough to get it sorted. That is not a set up for a LTR.
If you haven’t seen him in a month and he’s dodging the DTR convo that you’ve requested then I would go on the date.
YOU HAVE THIS INTERNET STRANGER’S SUPPORT
Phone calls, video calls– have you not had one of these since you couldn’t have a date in the past few months?
But also, I’m not sure I want to solidify a relationship with someone I haven’t been able to make plans work out with for a month- consider what you are attaching yourself to.
Hold up? A month? That’s the real question you need to be asking. I mean I can avoid someone for a month that I’m not excited about. And to keep you on hold. Like if someone wants to be with you then they will be with you. If a guy wants to be in a relationship then he will be in a relationship. I would not waste another minute on this honestly. Go on the date and have fun.
Well, I’m not sure where the relationship stands with established guy. You said “you DTRd by text” but then you said it was ignored because you would talk to him in person. That’s really not clear. Did you DTR or not?
In the meantime, let’s game this out.
You have no commitment to the first guy so you can go on the date without reservations of breaking your word to established guy.
But is this a question of timing? If he had not broken the date (legitimately, we believe) and you had the conversation where you made things official, would you still go on the date with new guy? I’m guessing not.
You have been seeing established guy for “months.” If this is the case and he has been very clear that he is not dating (which you believe at this point), do you not think he has some expectation that you are not dating either? Considering how he appears to be operating, I think you, at the very least, owe it to him to tell him/ask him how he feels, before you accept the new date, don’t you? He’s doing everything he can to ensure you know what is happening in his life and you say believe him.
You also say that you “wouldn’t be playing with new guy’s feelings,” but what if you go on the date, hit it off and then established guy and you have the DTR and opt to make it official? How would you tell new guy? Do you not think he will be hurt when you break it off with no explanation or angry if you tell him the truth? It feel like that is playing with new guy to me.
Lastly, do you have to go out with new guy tomorrow? Like, seriously, push it for a week. Take the time to get a resolution with established guy. If you can’t arrange an in-person discussion, do it by phone. If you do this, I would not discuss new guy specifically. That would make it sound like an ultimatum and that could sour things.
If you cannot get a commitment out of him, then I would honestly say that you take this to mean you are not exclusive at this point and you can then freely go on the date.
When it comes to pushing new guy off, be honest and say you have a couple issues to sort out and ask if you can touch base next week once you know your schedule. When you know what’s happening with established guy, you can either set a date or cancel outright with new guy. This is not ideal either (especially if you cancel) but it’s far better than having a great date that you then have to make excuses for not following up on.
Doing it that way, you are honest with everyone, expectations are managed and you will have a clear picture of where you stand.
Seems like his actions are speaking louder than words. If he wanted to see you, he would see you and make you a priority. I think he’s made it clear he’s not interested in anything serious.
I smell an avoidant attachment style
Give him a call or do a video chat. Just talk to him already! No one is that busy! If he feels the same way, he will make time.
You’re not exclusive. Go on the date but don’t kiss him. For all you know you might not even like the guy OR he could be your soul mate. You won’t know until you go
You’re calling the dude you’ve been seeing “my guy”. Tell me how YOU feel about going on the date with the new dude. I don’t think you’re breaking any rules by seeing this new dude, but if you see things going somewhere with guy #1 and he’s been making a effort…….. do whatever feels right.
Girl, you shouldn’t have to chase down a boy to be your boyfriend.
He knows you want to DTR because you communicated clearly like an adult (go you!). He’s avoiding the conversation. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend, he would make it happen. So you’re single. Go on the date. If he says he’s hurt later, that’s on him. You did your part in communicating. He shouldn’t expect you to stay on a shelf for him.
No advice, just wanted to came here to say this sounds really tricky!
It’s disgusting that you need help with this whoever you are. It would be one thing if you were asking for tip on how to be a good person but you’re not. You’re asking for tips on whether or not you should be full blown trash.
Hold on a sec though, it’s hard to talk to ya all the way up on that high horse. Why don’t ya come on back down to reality with the rest of us.
So, to get this straight. You want to break up with your bf but are such an upstanding person that you must do it face to face. He deserves that respect and dignity, right?
And you’re so set in being this solid fucking person that you’ll go on dates if not given the chance to see him face to face first? Again, out of respect and for his dignity, right?
Don’t hurt other people. Why is that so difficult for so many people to wrap their heads around? Live that way and I guarantee you you’ll have a hell of a packed funeral.
If you’re going on a date with someone, break up with him first. Period. Or, “periodt”, as I assume you say. If he believes you are still together then the effect on him could be dramatic. Unbelievably dramatic as a matter of fact.
Call him and say “we’re over. Some guy asked me out and I’m going to go. I’m sorry.” Click.
And just like that, we’re not scum. Easy-peazy-lemon-squeezy…
Errr… well… for some I guess.
If someone told me they want to dtr and I really like them but genuinely don’t have time I would at least offer a phone call, or a conversation via text. You have been feeling anxious for a month and he hasn’t offered anything concrete. Especially in this day and age where the other party can easily get another date online.
Either move on or call him and get your peace of mind you deserve it after months of dating.
Apparently I’m the only person who doesn’t know what DTR is.
What is DTR?
Haha, reminds me of someone I dated briefly. At first he gaslighted me saying that I am not able to meet his needs when it was him the whole time. When I approached him to clarify & DTR he ghosted me.
In your case too the guy is avoiding the DTR talk. Just enjoy your date!