My boyfriend (M22) and I (F24) both want kids, but have a huge disagreement on how to have them

35 comments

1. This is a non-negotiable core incapability. You need to be with someone who wants to adopt and he needs to be with someone who wants a biological child.

   Otherwise you’re running the risk of resenting each other for life.

2. >It was a long conversation, but it ended in us agreeing that it was so far in the future either of us could change our minds.

   Sure, and when the time eventually comes where one or both of you is ready to be a parent, if you’re not in agreement then you get to break up and start the process of finding a life partner all over again and hope you can find someone before you feel too old.

   If it was *just* the biological issue, you could maybe use a surrogate with his sperm, but there’s no compromise that lets him have a biological baby with you not being involved until the kid is older.

3. This is a fundamental incompatibility, and you need to break up.

   I’m being blunt, but honest. Some people can love any kid they raise. Some can only love one that’s biologically part of them. Some can’t love kids. You and he are different types of parents.

   Anecdotally, I’m in a position to both have step-kids and a biological kid. I love all of them equally. But some of my friends absolutely couldn’t understand the idea of loving an adopted kid as much as “your flesh and blood.” I will never understand their view, though I respect it IS their view and wouldn’t think I could change it.

   Same deal with a partner. You want to adopt. He wants a kid who he’s the bio-dad to. **You two cannot be parents together, because those are fundamental incompatibilities.**

   The sooner the relationship ends, the less hard it’ll be to get over.

4. If you want to delay breaking up, you can do that for a little while. But if you don’t change your views, you each need time to find a new relationship with someone who does want to co-parent the way you do. So, you should not put this off for too long. You probably will need to break up over it. You’re continuing to be together on the off chance one of you changes your mind. And you have to ask yourself, how likely am I to change my mind? Always assume your partner will not change their preferences the way you want them to. So, how likely are you to change your mind?

5. If you are happy together then no, it’s not stupid to wait until you’ve gotten a better idea of what you really want. Life throws curveballs, so definitely take some time to enjoy your relationship before something changes. Maybe reach out to friends/family for some guidance or hand-on experience around what parenting looks like with different lifestyles?

6. > Just… where do we go from here?

   The two of you have a fundamental incompatibility: He *needs* to have a biological child of his own in order to feel fulfilled. You *need* to have a child through adoption in order to feel fulfilled.

   Neither of those needs are good or bad, right or wrong; both of them are valid…and they are mutually exclusive.

   There is *no* way (none at all) for *both* of you to have your respective needs met while you continue with this relationship. Because for him to have what *he* needs, you would have to bear him a child…which you do not wish to do (and you have every right not to wish to do that). For you to have what *you* need, the single child in your home would not be one that he could care for with the love that child deserves and needs.

   So there is no healthy and workable path forward for this relationship, unless one of you changes your mind in a pretty fundamental way.

   While that might happen, *you cannot count on it happening*. You cannot make *plans* for the future based on the premise that “this will only work if he decides adopting is OK”. *He* cannot make plans for the future based on the premise that “this will only work if she decides she’s willing to carry a child.”

   The *only* plans you can make for the future are based on *what each other wants, right now, today*. Because while it *might* channge…it also might not. And the latter is more likely than the former.

   If you want to wait and see, go ahead. But: if you do that, and it turns out that neither of you changes, then *neither* of you is allowed to look at the other, ten years from now, with resentment because suddenly you’re in your mid 30s, with a partner who has needs that are fundamentally incompatible with your own, and now you feel like it’s “too late” to go find a different partner.

   Because you will have *known*, the whole time between now and then, what his needs are. And he will have known, the whole time, what *yours* are.

   So *if* you decide to do the wishy-washy “wait and see so we don’t have to make the difficult decision now, and instead make it a problem for Tomorrow Us”, set an absolute drop-dead date: 5 years from now, or when you’re 30…whenever the two of you come up with. That date has to be two things:

   1. It has to be a date on which you are *both* willing to make a go/no-go decision about the relationship, with no more sidestepping: if your willingness to bear a child has not changed, and his need to have a biological child of his own has not changed by that date, the relationship is *over*, so that each of you can go find a partner who has needs compatible with your own, and

   2. That date has to be *soon* enough that you will have time (in the event that the relationship ends) to be *able* to find new partners who are compatible with your respective needs.

   …or you could save Future You and Future Him the hassle of having to deal with it then, because it’s vanishingly unlikely that either of you will do a complete 180 on something as fundamental as this.

7. Unfortunately, babies aren’t really a subject where a couple can agree to disagree. Putting off the subject is okay for now, but then your relationship has a ticking time bomb at best, and a hard deadline at worst. I’m no more certain than you are about whether your feelings or his will change, I’m afraid.

   Maybe a couples counselor could help you two negotiate. You could explore what the core motivations and feelings are behind the conclusions you’ve drawn, and consider whether there’s alternative solutions that can address both of your feelings.

8. I disagree with the “break up now” comments. Because like you said, this is a 10 year down the ride conversation that you yourself think you could change your mind about. I think a lot of people on Reddit don’t understand the actual implications of ending a 4 year committed relationship over a single issue. It isn’t as easy as “we’re not compatible I’m out.” There’s real emotions and people involved, and I hate how that’s never taken into account.

   My ideas:

   Having a surrogate is a compromise between bio children and adoption. Although I’m not sure it’s for you since you would need to raise a child in their baby years.

   Talk to him about his personal feelings on no children. You say you’d be happy with that life. If he agrees it’s reasonable to say you’ll wait and talk again in the future to see if things have changed, and if they don’t then you’re both okay with being childless altogether.

   I think it’s also an important question of what you’d prefer. Losing him or losing a child you might want in the future. Because that’s the real question here. Some people would rather take a slightly different path in life than they preferred, to be able to stay with a person they genuinely love. Relationships sometimes require that kind of compromise, even on big issues.

   I’m ready for downvotes since I didn’t just say “leave.” But I hope this helps OP.

9. Honestly, I think men are more preoccupied with getting to raise a child that are their progeny (not all men, stepdads are a whole different thing, I’m talking about “creating” or “adopting” the first child within an established, childless relationship.)

   I’m close to your situation, because my significant other has seriously considered surrogacy, and I am open to it. I’m even open to using an egg other than mine for the procedure. That’s because I have the same fears as you about passing on difficult disorders.

   The thing about adopting children is that the vast majority have serious issues with attachment, and other behavioral disorders. The older the child is, the more trauma they usually have, either from their natal family, or from being in foster care. There is a ton of trauma around adopting. It doesn’t mean people shouldn’t adopt, but if you are adopting in order to avoid some of the difficulties of raising a child, you are probably going to be unhappy with the placement.

   You may want to examine if you want children at all (not judging, it’s something I wildly swing back and forth on myself.) If you and your boyfriend disagree on what age child you want to have, that may be a fundamental difference that means you are just not compatible long term.

   It’s a heartbreaking realization to have when somebody you have loved for a long time is not the person that you can have a fulfilling, harmonious life with.

10. I’ll start by saying surrogacy is very expensive ($100k in many areas of the US), so that solution should not be thrown around lightly.

    I think it depends on how likely either of you are to change your mind. Saying from experience, adopting an older child is A LOT. Many times, children who have spent years in foster care have *significant* behavioral issues and traumatic pasts. My family (meaning my parents, sister, and I) went through an absolute nightmare trying to adopt a child who was 9 when we met her. To be blunt, she was just a dream for the first year of so when my parents fostered her, but then she completely transformed once the adoption process began. She had a very traumatic past, so it was somewhat understandable, but we dealt with all sorts of dangerous lies (like falsely claiming my parents abused her, spreading viscous rumors about me at school), her running away, her absolutely trashing our home and stealing from us, trying to turn individual family members against each other (for example, lying about my parents to me, lying about me to my parents and sister, manipulating my mom against my dad), etc. before my parents decided they couldn’t take it anymore and cancelled the adoption.

    As such, I think there is a big chance that even if your SO comes around to adopting an older child, there might be regrets. It’s not for the weak. You have to really, really want to help these children, many of whom have A TON of trauma and exhibit toxic or dangerous behavior. Your desire to adopt has to be so strong that you can deal with a kid doing everything I described above and still want to go through the foster and adoption process (which can take several years).

    And then on your end, will you change your mind about pregnancy? Will you love a baby born to you? I’m inclined to say that’s more likely than your SO being happy with an adopted child, but again, it’s not certain.

11. To be honest, from how you talk about your feelings on the matter I am not sure if you should have a child, biological or otherwise.

12. I’m not sure adoption will turn out the way you might be imagining. With adoption, there are a couple of routes you can take. The first is through a private agency, but this is usually for people wanting to adopt newborns, and it’s very expensive. If you go through an adoption agency, expect to spend at least thirty to sixty thousand dollars.

    The second route is adopting through the foster process. This way is an inexpensive route, but it is far from easy. The goal of fostering is usually reuniting the child with their parents. That means you will be taking in children who will probably eventually go back to living with a relative. It is highly likely that these children will have suffered in a lot of ways you can’t relate to. They will need special care, and you will likely be responsible for taking them to therapy every week and probably driving them across town each morning and afternoon so they can keep attending their usual school.

    Raising a foster child is completely different than raising your own biological child, and it’s infinitely more difficult. It can be very rewarding for the right person, but it can be a nightmare for someone who isn’t well-equipped for the process. Also, you may meet a child you fall in love with, but you can’t adopt them, because fostering is usually temporary. Their biological mother may need time to get back on her feet, to complete a rehabilitation program, or to prove to the court she has a stable job and home for her kids, and that’s why her children are in foster care.

    Adopting a child is not a simple matter of skipping over pregnancy and the years of childhood you don’t think you’d like. I would highly recommend looking up articles and blogs for foster parents so you can learn more about what it is like before deciding this is the route for you. If you don’t have a maternal urge to have a child, consider making the choice to be child free. That will be another conversation to have with your partner.

13. As you said you both still young enjoy your youth until later who knows he or you might change your minds after 10 years or so

14. Have you researched adoption and what that would entail? It’s not an easy out of the early baby years and would probably involve a lot of emotional work with traumatized children that you would need to be equipped to handle. Maybe think about what about the early years would put you off and why and if maybe being child free is better for you. I have a newborn right now and I have a hell of a lot of respect for people who adopt and from my point of view they have a much tougher job than me… I think it’s unfair to the child to see adoption as a way to skip the early years, because IMO part of your job would be to help undo damage that may have happened in those early years.

15. Seems like you shouldn’t have kids.

16. As an adoptee if you know your partner is not 10000 percent on board and really wants a bio child please don’t inflict that on an adopted child.

    Also a savior mentality isn’t great for any prospective adoptive parent either. It tends to lead to the child getting rehomed or dumped.

    Have you thought about looking into fostering? Especially if you have experience with and like older kids. If you do respite or emergency placement it can give you some flexibility and you will get more experience with children who have faced loss. Any child you adopt that is older is going to have faced loss. You may find that more difficult to deal with than you think (and your reluctant partner might be a total rockstar) or you may find its totally your jam! Before I decided to have my kids I was a therapeutic foster parent who did mostly respite and less than 48 hours stopgap placements. I really loved it and it helped me build a lot of skills that I’ve been able to use both professionally and in parenting.

    The nice thing is that in 10 years regardless of who finds that they really want to parent and how, both of you will have all sorts of options available but you will know yourselves a little more. So neither of you is stringing along the other, and neither of you is in a hurry now. When and if that changes you’ll have to make a decision if it’s a break or not.

17. sorry to say but i don’t think you two are compatible. there are many ways to have a child in your life without being a parent – nieces and nephews, family friends, volunteering, neighbors, etc. i encourage you to figure out if you’re more afraid of messing up as a parent, truly want to avoid passing on genetics or would prefer to have a childfree life. my opinions on this have changed over time – i kind of assumed i’d have kids until i examined my values and what i want out of life.

    i think that your boyfriend saying he wouldn’t love an adopted child the same way is a pretty nasty attitude that he should work through, but i’ll leave that as my opinion.

18. Having children biological or otherwise is a very big decision, and you should really try to be on the same page. Otherwise, you could waste the next 10 years and still not agree with that point. I do think your concerns about your genetics are very valid. Would you consider a donor egg and your husband sperm, that way it’s his biological child you’re not as attached and you have less worries about genetic issues. It’s also possible to have a surrogate so you don’t have to actually be pregnant I would talk to a fertility doctor and find out what the options are. My brother and his wife wanted to have children together, she was a bit older when they got married and had frozen her eggs but none of them were viable they ended up getting a donor egg and using his sperm, she carried the baby And doesn’t feel like he’s not hers at all. They will plan to just explain when he’s older that he was made from a gift from someone else and that they’re very grateful and love him and that he is very much their child but maybe just look into other options newborns are only newborns for a short time and toddler era comes very quickly. I think it’s very noble to want to adopt, but if your husband is going to have a big issue with that this might be a good option for you.

19. I just want to throw out there: my husband and I had similar arguments while dating and engaged, with both of us on the same sides as you guys.

    A month after we got married, a situation arose in which we kind of had to take in my niece who was five at the time. My husband swore up and down, left and right that he would **not** love this child as much as any we had, that I would be solely financially responsible for a car, college, etc, and I agreed because, what was I gonna do, let the kid be abused? Let her go into the system?

    Well. Here we are seven years later. My husband’s cousin started driving last year, and when she came over to show us her car, my husband sighed and said, “We only have four years before we’re gonna have to get our kid a car”. I laughed and reminded him of what he said, because I’m petty like that, haha.

    The two of them are thick as thieves. Life does indeed throw you curve balls. We are only now talking about having a biological child of our own and we are both more protective of our oldest than of any hypothetical child down the road because of what this kid has gone through. We’re looking at houses based off of educational opportunities for her. We plan our whole life around her. And I’m certain that my husband would be open to adopting another if that’s where our discussion led us.

    A lot changes between your twenties and your thirties. If you guys are happy and committed and open to change, I don’t thing it’s naive to see where it goes.

    Best of luck 💕

20. I’d be more concerned that he views being a parent in only the biological sense, that he couldn’t even fathom loving a child he didn’t sire. The bonds you build as a parent come with time and dedication, not just blood. Babies are basically stupid potatoes who cry a lot until 8-9 months when they start making expressions and smiling. It’s hard to love a potato, even when it’s yours.

    And not wanting to have a child for health reasons is totally valid. There is IVF as an option but it is very expensive. That all to say, is the issue really about children, or about your different viewpoint on what makes a family?

    You’re both young, so your minds can both change — but I would consider this a big yellow flag. He’s justified in wanting the family he wants, as are you, and neither of you deserves to not get what they want when the time comes.

21. You shouldn’t have any kids. You specifically. Not passing on your genetics to a bio child does not guarantee that the new 6yr old you adopt will not have any medical or mental issues. You seem to be fixated on getting a less fussy, perfect child and forgoing the actual process of carrying one. While that is perfectly OK with you or anybody else, it’s also an excuse to avoid the bulk of the work in actually *being* a parent.

    If you are being honest with yourself you’ll stop framing this as more about “helping” other kids and admit that you simply don’t want to carry a baby, you don’t want the sleepless nights, the crying, the feeding, the changes to your routine which are all the things a baby will affect. You just want a kid that’s already somewhat independent. They can speak, tell you when they are sick, wipe themselves etc

22. >I really don’t want to have my own biological kid.
    >
    >I don’t want to be pregnant.
    >
    >I don’t want a baby.
    >
    >I honestly have very little attachment to young children and babies and I’m afraid I’d be a terrible mom to one.
    >
    >I don’t have any desire at all for that part of motherhood.
    >
    >I have zero desire for my own child. I’m afraid I might even resent that child.
    >
    >I’d see myself being fine with no child at all.

    Are you *sure* you want kids? All the things you have said above are exactly the same things all my child-free friends say.

    It’s noble that you want to channel your parental energies into supporting an already-living child that needs help, but there are ways you can do that that don’t involve adopting and raising a child (ie, mentoring, working with Scouts/Girl Guides/similar associations, baby-sitting, volunteering, etc). I also don’t think that adoption is “child-rearing on easy-mode”, like “the nappy and tantrum years are over, it’s smooth sailing from here.” It’s just a new set of problems, and many of them more complicated and more involved than what little children need.

    The thing is, you’re still very young and don’t need to make this decision now (funnily enough, I’m a decade older than you and people are telling me I still have time! Not so sure about that…). If you’re enjoying your relationship now, there’s no need to jump ship due to something that’s not going to happen for many years.

    But…I would recommend doing some soul searching, and really asking yourself: is parenthood *really* something you want for yourself? Like, *really*? Because maybe the truth is that you will be happier as a childfree person. Being childfree doens’t mean *hating* kids – I love kids, but am coming to accept that maybe parenthood isn’t the journey I want to take. If your attitude towards parenthood is conditional like “I’m open to raising children, but only from the ages of 7 and up,” then maybe it’s not for you.

23. In all honesty from the way you’ve described things it doesn’t sound like you should have kids at any point.

    You want different things on one of the biggest topics of a relationship. You need to come to a resolution before you potentially waste years of each other’s lives.

24. Can I ask why you’d be willing to adopt another child who will most likely have ailments of some kind (whether mental or physical) rather than roll the dice on your own kid? Also, what about the younger stages of development bother you? Genuine questions, not being an ass I promise. I just want to know your thought process more before I offer advice. Though not wanting to be pregnant is completely valid, it comes with a lot of risks.

    There isn’t a way to compromise on what the two of you are disagreeing on, though. He wants biological children, you do not. You simply want different things. Any attempt of trying to persuade each other to want something different will most likely lead to feelings of resentment and being unfulfilled, and neither of you deserve that.

    My ex and I share a biological child, and in the beginning we had both agreed that we were on the fence about having kids at all, and that we’d be happy if it wasn’t in the cards for us. I’m infertile and have an autoimmune disease myself, so we both figured it was unlikely. Lo and behold I got pregnant, and it was rough but after our daughter was born it was totally worth it. She is completely healthy. We both worship her. But, he wants another kid at some point, and I don’t. We couldn’t agree. It was one of many factors that lead to us splitting up. I shouldn’t be forced to have another baby that I don’t want, but he also shouldn’t be forced to not have the bigger family he dreams of. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way you’d like them to, and that’s alright. We still have a lot of love for each other and we coparent very well. That was just some food for thought.

25. The real question is that are you two mentally and financially ready to have a child in your life?

    You do know adoptions are hella expensive.

    You just don’t go to a vending machine and press D7 for one.

26. [removed]

27. Hi! As a bio mum of a 6yrs old I can tell you that toddler age ain’t no easy and It’s worse than newborn, where they just sleep/ poo/pee/ eat/ cry. Around 2, when they understand that they no longer are an extension of the mama, but an independent self, THERE comes the hard part… which never stops 😁. It takes a lot of mental strength to be a balanced parent, not just an authoritative one.
    What I’m trying to say is that this age is not easy, plus add the trauma a foster kid might have experienced and bringing to you.
    I totally understand your wanting to adopt to help someone.
    Good luck!

28. If you’re afraid you’d be a bad mom to a young child, or feel they’d be too difficult, please do no adopt. Adoption involves a lot of trauma. These kids come from broken homes, I mean we don’t even want there to be kids out there who need homes. It’s not like going to the shelter and grabbing a cat. Many adopted kids have behavioural issues or other things that come from that trauma. So, not a good idea for you it seems.

29. Adopted children have a higher likelihood of having mental illness. This means that they need parents who are very ready and equipped to help them.
    From the way youre talking i get hints of may be unresolved trauma from your own childhood and I would suggest you work on addressing that before having children or solidifying your decision

30. I would say this about having a kid. For someone who 100% knows he wants a kid like your man, he will eventually want one. He wont change his mind and it will be a deal breaker at some point.

    There is a chance you will change your mind but pregnancy scares some women and they just dont want to do it. If thats you id actually suggest being more straightforward with him and say babe i may not want a biological child ever.

    He needs to understand staying with you means he may never have children. Like this is a very serious point in a relationship that people should be on general terms about.

    Like i was ok with you both saying yes 1 in the 30s cause your on the same general page but not your not and i wouldnt sweep it under the rug.

    It takes awhile to find the right parnter to build a relationship that turns into marriage and life planning then a child. If he realizes this too late his window can become very difficult and you both end up single in your 30s.

    Certain things you can grow into and somethings you just need to be on a similar page. Kids is 100% one you need to be on the same page.

    My friend was with a women for 13 years. 20 to 33, she told him no kids the whole time but he kept believing she would change her mind. And finally at 33 he realized she wouldnt so they broke up. Took him 3 years to find someone else and is now a 40 year old dad with a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

    Not the end of the world but not ideal either. Plus his wife is 25 because finding a mid 30s women who suddenly wants 2 kids is pretty hard to find as well. So he had to go younger which seems to work for them.

31. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. For the record, I am absolutely pro-adoption. However, adopting an older child isn’t a parenting life hack.

    You will deal their experiences as a younger child, either way.

32. Adoption isn’t a way of buying ir having a child. It should not be considered an alternative to biological children. Let’s be clear. You should do it selflessly. Most people do not. Adoption is trauma, just what it is. You’re choosing adoption out of your own comfort, without acknowledging how hard it is it adopt an older child. They already are terribly traumatised by whatever they came from (foster or orphanage or recent death of parents). It is not the easy way out. Before you ever consider adoption you should educate yourself on how traumatic it is for children and how traumatic and difficult it is for adoptive parents.

    Truth is, with children the level becomes higher the older they are, you get to know the bioogical child from conception, know their personality, after birth start with simply keeping them alive, then starts parenting. You don’t have those steps when you adopt. You meet a tiny traumatised stranger. You don’t know what they mean, you don’t know their signs, their favourite things, their medical history etc. It’s not sunshine, rainbows and a grateful orphan thanking you for saving their life.

    It seems that a good compromise would be to consider a surrogacy with an egg donor. You don’t have to carry, nor provide your own DNA. At the same time your partner can provide their DNA.

33. Actually right after you said there’s a possibility of change, you said , it’s you who will change.

    Your boyfriend is still against adoption. So he’s not the one changing.

    For the two of you I would recommend that instead of thinking there might be a possibility of change in the future, to wear your nail compatible on this big issue and able to stay together, you probably should go with your feeling right now , which is that you’re interested in adopting and he’s not.

    That makes the two of you incompatible in a big way.

    As long as you don’t think it’s a waste to stay together and still find out you are incompatible in the future , then it’s okay to keep staying together now.

    But if you also think you’re going to regret staying together when you knew several years ago that you didn’t want a bio child and you still don’t want a bio child now, and therefore you guys should not be together anymore, if you have this kind of thought that you might regret it then it might be worth thinking about stopping now.

34. You are very young. People and desires change from 20s to 30s. At your age, I was 100% sure I would have a child. I’m 34 now and realize that I don’t want a child ever, which is a good thing as I’m physically unable to conceive children.

    Do not put this pressure on yourself now. Who’s to even say you and your partner will still be together in your 30s? When you feel you are ready for a child, start considering your feelings/wants/needs at that time

35. I think it’s beautiful that your bf is willing to have kids with you even with your shortcomings and the part about resenting your kids is insane.