(TLDR I think my in-laws traumatized my wife at here Bachelorette party but I am confused on how to ask and scared to ask)
Like I said in the title I think my in-laws traumatized my wife at her Bachelorette party. We have been married for over a year and I still don’t know what happened.
Background: My wife and I grew up in a culture where we didn’t talk about sex much. (My wife’s family is more open about the topic.)
What I know:
My wife says she doesn’t remember most of it
Her sisters are the ones that planed and executed the party
My father-in-law says there was too much information (i did not ask him this is what my wife told me)
One of the games was a challenge to see who could deep throat a banana the furthest (i assume most of the games were simmilar)
After the party she began treating me differently.
We have been married for about a year and a half and we have barely had six in that time. (I feel it has something to do with this event, I may be rong though.)
What I’m wondering is how do I even approach this?
Should I ask her for more details?
Should I ask her family what happened?
I am just confused and need advice
40 comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
—-
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you spoken to her sisters & are they aware of her, at minimum, discomfort about what went on?
She I your wife, sit down and ask her to trust you, ask her pointed questions about the event and then about your relationship now.
It never gets better if you do not communicate.
Maybe talk about your relationship and how you feel she treats you differently? And about sex. I might be completely off base but maybe her family gave her an inaccurate idea of you/men?
Until you confirm what happened, you can’t take the possibility off the table that your wife ‘not remembering’ isn’t trauma but regret about something that happened.
Wouldn’t be the first bachelorette where things happened and it would explain the subsequent issues you two have whereas deep throating a banana…doesn’t
I doubt your sexual issues are caused by sexual games at a bachelorette party. Tbh I don’t understand why you think it would be. You need to sit down and have a serious talk about why you have so little sex. It’s possible that she needs to see a gyno bevause it’s physically hurting her, it’s possible that she needs to see a psych for some reason, it’s possible that you could both benefit from seeing a sex therapist together to try an improve the sex you have, it’s also possible that you’re just not sexually compatible. You won’t like until you talk about it properly.
UpdateMe!
> challenge to see who could deep throat a banana the furthest
I just need to say that this sounds fucking dangerous? Like if it’s peeled, what if it breaks off? If it’s not what if you lose your grip on it? Imagine choking to death at your bachelorette party from a banana deepthroat contest wtf
Was there a stripper?
Updateme!
Stop focusing on the event and just tell your wife you aren’t happy with how she has treated you or the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Maybe it’s related maybe it isn’t but focus on communicating what your actual needs are.
I’m just as confused as you are.
> My wife and I grew up in a culture where we didn’t talk about sex much.
which leads us to:
> One of the games was a challenge to see who could deep throat a banana the furthest
Those two thing do not mesh at all. WTH?
She doesn’t remember much?
A lot is missing from your post. Like were the two of you having premarital sex? What was the extent of your sexual intimacy pre-wedding? Just kissing?
In the kindest and most supportive manner, demand that she spill the beans as to what traumatized her. It sounds like she was sexually assaulted in some manner.
Perhaps, it’s time to find a couple’s sexual counselor to get to the bottom of this.
Had you two ever had sex before the bachelorette party? My instinct is that she didn’t know how it worked until then, and as part of the “party” they told her. (Baby showers can get this way too–people start sharing birth horror stories.) And it sounded horrifying to her and now she’s afraid of it.
I have a feeling that there was an incident at that party and you need more info.
You’re going to have to go digging.
Have you asked her to go to a marriage counselor to address these issues with her?
This definitely sounds like an issue that keeps building resentment within you.
Aight man
Now I married my high school sweetheart, which is admittedly a different situation than you.
However, we’re 32 now and really have a great marriage and relationship. So at least I can talk about what works for us and how we’ve stayed loyal, loving, and sexually engaged after being together for 15+ years.
The number 1 factor is open and honest communication and being wholly comfortable with each other with any topic.
When an issue is brewing – which they will in any relationship – both sides need to be able to articulate why without getting overly defensive or hostile. Sometimes we need to share uncomfortable information. Sometimes we need to give constructive criticism to the other.
Resentment must be cut off before it builds. One of the major issues I see couples get into is letting resentment build. Then, like fucking Israel and Palestine, historical slights calcify and creates a flashpoint of resentment that will continually cause decay. If these aren’t handled right, a chain of resentful remarks and decisions can be made that eventually kill the entire relationship.
Both sides need to want the best for each other, even if that means processing pain.
You need to be able to hear something regretful she might say about the event, and if you want this to work out, you need to be understanding.
She needs to be able to let her guard down and talk about this.
Frankly I think talking to the other people that were there first is a good idea. I wouldn’t be walking into this conversation blindly if it’s over a year’s worth of bad feelings and additional witnesses were there.
Either way, only understanding communication will let this wound be healed. I find it somewhat concerning that a year old bachelorette party would be the source of intimacy issues and I suspect that there’s more at play.
Marriage is a huge change for people, especially if you’re young. I wish you the best of luck.
Maybe it has nothing to do with her family. Maybe it has something to do with what she did. Maybe she’s been walking around since then with a level of regret that affects your sex life. Maybe she did something with someone and is ashamed to let herself be with you.
UpdateMe!
>Background: My wife and I grew up in a culture where we didn’t talk about sex much. (My wife’s family is more open about the topic.)
could you elaborate a little bit more on how a culture that doesn’t talk about sex much ends up deepthroating bananas at a party?
Shocker. 20-21 year olds who got married dont know how to communicate.
Op outside guess she cheated with a stripper
Don’t forget to give us an update!
This is definitely not fake!
Ask your wife to explain it to you. Tell her that since that night, shes acted differently, and it’s affecting your relationship with her. Tell her the two of you are building a life together and if something happened you need to know what it was so you can help her through it…. hopefully she didnt do anything inappropriate
Story is full of holes.” Wife’s family is open about sex topic but at her bachlorette party there was a deepthroat game and now we don’t have sex anymore”. You’re married for 1.5 years and had roughly 5-6 times sex. How long were you together before you were married, did you have sex before you were married?
Can you be more specific? You’re insecure about something that might have happened at her bachlorette party, are you afraid of something that you did, did you organize her party, or are you afraid that you’re wife doesn’t appreciate you anymore because she wants more and you suspect this has happened at her bachlorette party which you can’t articulate to her?
If you can’t talk to your wife about something for an entire year you have no business being married.
This is why purity culture is so damaging
She might need a therapist.
There has to be more to the story and having those games with your mom and dad gross lol. You need to be straight the worse thing she was with someone else ?? Maybe idk just ask her and give us an update. When I thought my husband was being weird I just asked him
Maybe she had sex with someone who wasn’t you?
The 2 of you need therapy, and not thru the church!
You need to learn to talk to each other.
It is crazy to me that people do not communicate like AT ALL and come to reddit to read “communicate you idiot”
That said, the cynic is me is saying they had a stripper blowjob contest and she won and yeah bros… that’s a thing some do.
If they were deep throating bananas, they may have hired a stripper. They might have even started deep throating him. He might have traumatized her. She might have been pressured into doing something she didn’t want to do with him.
In short, whatever her trauma is, it is probably something she fears you would judge her for. Her reluctance to have sex might have deeper roots than what happened at the party. In my experience, people who wait until marriage to have sex are often not that into sex. Most people who claim to be waiting are having sex secretly. So she might have multiple traumas or just be deeply uncomfortable with sex.
Only she knows. Only she can tell you the whole story. If she can’t be open with you, your marriage will never work. This is worth putting some work into, taking some risks, going out on a limb. Couples therapy might help but she would probably be better off with a personal therapist. It might be more intimidating to open up to you in front of a couples therapist, but an individual therapist is more private.
This is why the idea of a bachelorette party is stupid. I think bachelor partys are dumb too fwiw but at least I can sort of understand those.
You need to sit her down. “I love you dearly, however I need you trust me if we want to get to the root of the issue. I cannot help you nor can I defend you with whatever is going on in your head, if you do not tell me. *hold hand or something* Please tell me what happened at that party, you can even just write it down. I understand it’s hard, however it needs to be discussed because whatever happened seems to be affecting our marriage.”
Married a year and a half, and you’ve only crushed 6 times?! My boi wtf😂😂😂
>What I’m wondering is how do I even approach this? Should I ask her for more details? Should I ask her family what happened? I am just confused and need advice
I don’t blame you for being confused, this is a weird situation. I would recommend exhausting every possible avenue for getting details out of your wife before you go contact her family behind her back, though. You’re married, you’re a team. Always always *always* try to talk to her first.
I know you’ve said you’ve brought it up but then she freezes and doesn’t elaborate, and you just let it drop. Don’t badger her in case there’s a traumatic memory in there somewhere but definitely try harder than you’ve been trying to get answers about this from her. If you hit a complete brick wall on her end and she won’t even consider explaining anything **then** it may be ok to talk to her family, just keep in mind she’s probably not going to like that.
Was the father-in-law involved in the bachelorette party?
Sorry for saying that out loud but is it possible that her family has some traditions involving and her father educating her on sex? Or even the “right to first night”?
How is she behaving around her family? Her father? How involved are they in her life?
It sounds like you really care about her. You really should figure it out all the details.
And please don’t bring an idea to have a child with her until you both are comfortable with each other openly talking about sex and your bodies.
I would ask the sister or other friends what happened exactly and proceed from there. Surely, there were photos taken. No one posted anything about the night, like where they were or what everyone was wearing?
Your priority is to create a safe place for your wife, and that means that she’s allowed to say or feel anything, no matter how unexpected, and you will not judge or react in any way besides supportive. That also means that outside of her volition, whatever the subject is, you do not get to bring it up in a joking manner, or any other way. Meaning; you don’t make light of it to show her that it’s not that serious.
​
If you can provide that to her for several months, and you think that’s something that you’re able to guarantee can continue, then after a consistent, safe number of months have passed where you demonstrate your trustworthiness, you might be able to get her to talk to you about what happened.
​
What you DON’T do is go outside of your marriage for advice from the people who traumatized her.