The older I get, the more insufferable it is. But to start, gender wars on Reddit are exhausting so let’s leave men vs. women out of the equation. This is simply a personal rant of mine about a major pet peeve that has only grown worse over the past two years.
Am I’m the only one who feels chronically disappointed by how a lot of people today are extremely low effort straight out of the gate when ironically, it would serve them better to actually… *try and care* to stand out? I’m pretty great at coming up with creative date ideas for the first few dates, and also showing up looking and feeling the best I can. It only feels fair to hope to eventually have someone else bring a similar level of energy. (I guess I could see someone trying less if I came across as low-effort, unattractive and unfriendly, but that isn’t the case.)
A few examples of what really irks me when being asked on a first date:
At almost 30, I don’t want to walk around with you at a park and then just go home. Let’s be real: this first date is about as low effort as you can get.
No, I don’t want to go hiking, especially if neither of us are having a good time and want to bail and need to walk \[X\] miles back. I also don’t want to look sweaty when first getting to know someone. It’s also just a walking date on steroids.
Asking someone to “hang out and cuddle” is an awful, painfully gauche first “date” and not really suitable for a second meeting, either. Just call it what it is: An invite to hook up.
*Again*, let me underscore that I wish someone would match the kind of date ideas I’ve come up with vs. me having to constantly steer the ship and redirect where our dates are going. FTR, a few first dates I’ve planned include live music with ice cream, Boba tea at a really cute café, and a museum visit… I’ve tried. It would be refreshing to find that person who is actually excited about planning and going on the first few dates and seeing what happens rather than being so take-it-or-leave-it.
**TLDR:** Do people even care about making a good first impression when they start dating someone new nowadays? I wonder if swipe culture has made every other person so blasé and jaded that they’re stingy and apathetic.
And the older you are, the worse suggesting free dates in the very beginning comes off. It suggests that someone is either dating around so heavily that they can’t financially keep up, too broke to date at all, and/or not interested enough to make a $5-10 financial commitment (the price of a dessert, a Boba tea, or a coffee) which is honestly kind of annoying. Unless a free date is truly special, just save it for a bit later. But I guess crappy, low-effort first dates are an easy way to weed out the would-be duds early on…
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I would actually prefer a low-effort date the first time, because it gives you an opportunity to get to know someone without the distraction of an activity, and that helps you decide whether you want to go forward or not.
I mean, it’s fine if you want to do something else for a first date, but I think you may be leaping to unwarranted conclusions about people when you judge others for suggesting a walk. Many people like walks.
You probably won’t like this, but I think casual dates are the way to go for the first time meeting someone. It takes a lot of the pressure off. It’s best to stick with options that have a low time commitment and don’t cost too much. A lot of first dates are only first dates so I prefer a date that can either be fairly short or extended if we’re vibing
It makes sense for the first date to be the lowest effort and cost, because people go on a lot of first dates these days with pretty much strangers, and the probability that it will go anywhere is quite low. Much lower than when you go on a date with someone you already know a bit. It’s really more of a vibe check than an actual date. I think most people approach it that way these days.
You have to be accountable for your own dating.
Get off the apps, find someone the old fashioned way and make sure your dating life is done right.
If you leave it to the apps, nothing is going to change. Its all low effort on them because it can be low effort on them.
Join clubs, gyms, go to evets… whatever. Just do something you like, interreact with the opposite sex at said places and events and get yourself a date that way.
Or just stop dating. It’s easy to blame others rather than ourselves when we are repletely doing something that isn’t working.
If you want something, you have to get it and not expect it to fall off an app on your phone.
Dating needs to go old school again.
First dates should be low effort. Drinks at a neighborhood bar is simple and easy. The point is to meet a person face to face, talk to them, have some conversations and get to know them. The location is far less important than the company.
A walk is just a fine way to do that.
Wanna know what would be a HUGE turn off for a first date. Live music. Often times the music is too loud to talk over and it can be bad music. Museum date? Ugh….sounds boring and pretentious.
Save the higher effort dates for when you actually have a good connection and know you like the person.
Interacting with the opposite sex has been reduced to a game.
Humans, as they did with every game ever, found the most efficient tactic available and applied it to the game.
Enjoy the newfound life of modernity and progress we were all so eager to promote
I used to always suggest dinner, shows, art galleries, museums, or social places with lots on as first dates, all but one time they either got turned down or downgraded into casual meetups, like the park or cafes like you mentioned. Some went to a better second date some didn’t go anywhere, but I always wanted to have first dates that were also fun experiences in of themselves and couldn’t understand why girls never wanted that. Maybe the idea of potentially being trapped in a place you can’t reasonably leave with a person you have no chemistry with is what girls are trying to avoid there. Dunno.
The entire point of the first date is to gauge if you’re worth spending time and effort on.
Creative date ideas are great In theory, but until I actually know you I don’t know what you like.
Also, trying to come up with a creative date for every person you match with is a great way to get burned out
Okay what the fuck is Boba tea?
I like a coffee and a walk in the park. I’m low-effort, I guess.
I like to be able to have a conversation, since that’s where most of my attraction will come from. If we’re enjoying it, we can get dinner and/ or drinks.
I prefer museums for second and third dates, and live music or movies once we’ve had a chance to chat (hard to get to know someone when you’re supposed to be listening to something else).
Why would a free date imply that I’m broke? I’m *not* broke precisely because I don’t spend money every time I leave the house.
Someone with this kind of attitude sounds insufferable.
The point of the first date is to get to know the other person and decide if you want a second date.
Unless you’ve been talking a long time before meeting for the first time, an elaborate outing is unnecessary.
You obviously have a very low criteria in the persons you would date, and the fact you already have poor opinions of the opposite sex, “Mirror” get it?
Why do people think they should match with every second person they meet out or on a dating site?
Raise your standards dear be who you want them to be and im sure things will improve.
depends on what we want out of the relationship, i guess.
if i am dating with marriage (or long-term partnership) in mind, and i have demanding working hours with an average income, i would not want to misrepresent myself; i would not be able to keep the facade for long and the other party would be disappointed eventually. i make sure i do not come across as someone who is either very loaded (fancy and expensive initial dates) or someone who can spend a lot of time and effort conjuring cheap but very thoughtfully planned dates. neither do i expect the other party to do all that unilaterally either; i would feel very guilty otherwise.*
ditto if i want a down-to-earth partner who i know wont run away the minute the fun stops.
or someone with the same attitude toward finance & retirement plans as i do.
*i know ppl in relationships who unilaterally did all the planning n thoughtful stuff n the spending of money etc. most of them eventually burnt out and got quite bitter over the non-reciprocal part.
Atleast they showed up to the dates get on our level here plz
Girl, my wants are way higher lol. I want dinner. Yes, I know I’ll be downvoted & argued with over this & idc cuz Im not dating any of yall. Lol
You sound insufferable. Dating is about trying to figure out if you like someone, not an experience or venue. Perhaps those things are what you are looking for in a partner, but don’t get mad at the world because everyone doesn’t think the same way. At the end of the day you’re just going to end up arguing about what to watch on Netflix anyways every Saturday night.
We go on “low effort dates” to weed out people like you. Looks like it is working well.
Unpopular opinion here but for me “low effort” as you call it is the way. I save all the effort for people I like and care about. First dates are to get to know, after if I like the person I’ll put all the effort, but to start I just want a simple, comfortable, easy going date to get a sense of the person. If a person will judge me for not putting effort in a first date, then it’s not the person for me, as it’s not an effort contest. When I was into OLD I couldn’t care less for the amount of effort put in first dates, it says nothing about if the person is smart, interesting, intellectually mature, funny or any other of the traits I appreciate in a person. Ended meeting my girlfriend there and I never met anyone so amazing at planning dates and it makes me want to step up my dates planning too. But none of that was happening in the first dates, because it’s not supposed to.
I suppose it’s different for everyone. My favorite dates were usually mindless cruises or walking around downtown with no end goal in sight. Maybe if we see something fun like ice cream, we stop and have some as we see fit. I like focused attention, I don’t want to be watching a show or in a location that’s too loud or hard to talk freely in.
Me and my fiance still prefer those kinds of dates. We have more active ones occasionally to of course, but it’s fun to go back to driving in the car and talking to each other about nothing and everything.
Those kinds of dates always left me feeling closer to the other person, and like I spent the time genuinely getting to know them.
The amount of angry men who got called out in the comment section is sending me 🤣 I was dating for 2 years before I found my bf (I’m mid 20s) and I’m 100% with you on this one. The best part was dating during winter.. It can get very cold where I live and dudes were inviting me out on walks after work. Yea, walking during pitch dark, at -10°C and with stranger who’s too cheap to even not give you a freaking cold. Don’t settle for these, my bf took me out on amazing dates still is planning wonderful trips and surprise flowers, gifts at all times and this is one year in. That being, it goes both ways but I could never spend my money and time on a man who’s not generous, attentive, creative. I’ve been told by reddit cavemen I should drop my standards and that I’ll never find a man like that. 😂😂 They were so wrong. They could never be like that. That doesn’t speak for other men, who aren’t single and bitter on reddit. 😎
First dates are about getting to know someone and see if they pass the vibe check.
Not how much money can I spend to impress a stranger.
So to boil it down you want guys to spend money on you.
I understand you’re just venting but…
you first said you were tired of low effort dates. but you do them yourself.
>At almost 30, I don’t want to walk around with you at a park and then just go home. Let’s be real: this first date is about as low effort as you can get.
I wouldn’t mind a walking date if the person I’m walking with has a really good conversation going on and I’m truly interested on them. a walking date is something I even do with my bros because there nothing wrong with it.
>No, I don’t want to go hiking,
then don’t. hiking isn’t for you if you worry do much about sweat or hate walking. just don’t go out of your way to date someone who’s clearly into hiking.
>Asking someone to “hang out and cuddle”
Then don’t do it. but why are you trying dating someone again?
>a few first dates I’ve planned include live music with ice cream,
Absolutely an awful idea for a first date, what were you trying to accomplish there? to spend a whole date screaming your lungs out just to see if your date hear you alright? how do you even talk at a live concert?
>Boba tea at a really cute café, and a museum visit… I’ve tried.
really unoriginal, hows that any different that a cup of coffee at Starbucks?. and a museum visit… right, you’re trying to date remember, why a museum, of all places? I mean, on the first date.
>It would be refreshing to find that person who is actually excited about planning and going on the first few dates and seeing what happens rather than being so take-it-or-leave-it.
I think the problem isn’t the dates, or rather, the place on which the dates take place, but you, you’re the problem.
and no i don’t mean your attitude, i don’t care about your attitude. i think the problem is that the people you choose to go on a date, aren’t that interested on you, and that’s why they leave all the weight of planing and execute the “date idea” up to you.
>**TLDR:** Do people even care about making a good first impression when they start dating someone new nowadays?
if you think the other person is a catch, or if you believe they’re attractive as hell and want you, of course people, men just as women care about leaving a good impression on your first date.
but when you’re dating a dude just because he means a free lunch, a free cup of tea, or just want to test waters out too see if there’s anything going on with you, but aren’t too hopeful about you. then of course no woman or men will care to leave you a good impression because they dont care about you at all to start with.
>I wonder if swipe culture has made every other person so blasé and jaded that they’re stingy and apathetic.
Nope, it’s just that as I said. people, specially women, will be either excited to meet you, or won’t give it much thought at all.
>And the older you are, the worse suggesting free dates in the very beginning comes off.
you’re not even old. I’m pretty sure we’re around the same age, and I haven’t had that bad luck when talking to women, online or offline.
>It suggests that someone is either dating around so heavily that they can’t financially keep up, too broke to date at all, and/or not interested enough to make a $5-10 financial commitment (the price of a dessert, a Boba tea, or a coffee) which is honestly kind of annoying.
that’s because they’re not that interested in you my guy. think bro think. if they’re not willing to even spend 5 on a date with you, it’s because they don’t give a damn about you.
>Unless a free date is truly special,
it totally can be when you really find someone you match with
>just save it for a bit later.
why would they if they weren’t even invested in a first free date to being with?
>But I guess crappy, low-effort first dates are an easy way to weed out the would-be duds early on…
my dude I would suggest you to step off of your podium and maybe to look yourself profusely on the mirror.
maybe you’re arent as attractive as you thought you were. and maybe you aren’t even as charismatic as you thought. but there’s definitely something wrong with you, not with the way the world works. because it’s just you and ugly guys the one who suffers the most about this.
well at least you aren’t getting 0 dates, there’s always someone worse. but if I were you, I’d start to be more truthful to me, and recognize that maybe I’m not that big of a catch that i thought I’d be.
Planning meaningful dates come after meeting the person initially and hang a little.
As they took on something you really like, and tell you about this expo going on the next fews weeks. Same for food experience, I will not invite someone to my favorite restaurant on the first fews dates in case they really like it too…
Those low preparation date take the stress out of meeting a new person and let you concentrate on the person to catch on those details that going to make the next dates more awesome.
Men on Reddit: I can’t find anyone I can’t figure out why! Women are so difficult!
OP: Hey let’s do low key but interesting dates
Men on this thread: Wow pretentious much???
The dissonance is disturbing 🤣
Museums and boba dates are too much? Are y’all serious right now? MAX of $20 is too much of a commitment? No wonder women are giving up and staying single.
I totally agree. Effort =/= expensive, so there’s really no excuse besides a lack of interest in either you or living. I just don’t go on low effort dates anymore. More often than not it indicates a low effort person in general, and why would I date dead weight?
If you dislike someone’s suggestion, you can always make a suggestion yourself…so idk whats an issue here.
These sound like better 2nd date options, after you’ve figured out whether or not you want to spend any more time with this person. But given your current thinking, you might preclude this option.
Give yourself, and the world, a break. Just about all I do is first dates these days. No one has time or inclination for grand opera on a first dates. Hell, you might say that first dates have been reduced down to swiping left/right!
No matter what, I want to wish you Good Luck in your dating. Everyone is coming down pretty hard on you, and I know what that feels like.
Take care.
You know that going on a walk isn’t just a walk? It’s a let’s have a walk to see if we actually like you and if we do we’re going to recommend going somewhere after the walk.
If we don’t like you then all it will be is a walk.
I see your point but also like I’m a woman and I’ve been out with lots of guys to ask let’s go to a fancy restaurant or going to a restaurant that is at least $20 a plate and when the bill comes they say they can’t pay or they say can we go Dutch or they say whatever and usually it was their idea. And I do coffee dates now or I can meet up for a drink I don’t really meet up at a restaurant unless it’s something that I can afford to pay for both of us or myself because I literally do not have the money to go to a $20 plate restaurant and lay down money for a potential $100-$200 bill, so I literally get where you’re coming from but at the same time you really want to just do casual day it’s because if you forget a lot of money you’re gonna be regretting it. If you think about the other person should pay then that’s a problem to. I think we need to get more realistic about dates and the economy. Everything is so high right now like people don’t want to go on an expensive date with someone that they barely know, however I get where you’re coming from. It feels like nobody puts any energy in anymore like people want to hang out at your house people want to go to the park but at the same time why invest in some thing if you don’t know where it’s going to go.
This is one of the reasons I’m not dating anymore. If one more person asks me to go get drinks, I’m going to lose my damn mind.
It’s not even about $$. Picking up the tab on drinks could be $15-30. A board game place is $5 per person! Mini putt is between $10-20 per person. Sky zone is $18 per person.
I won’t be showing up for a low effort date anymore. It’s not worth it and I don’t care how many low effort “catches” I don’t meet because of it 🙄.
No one wants to go on a bunch of high effort first dates because most first dates don’t lead to anything. It’s simply trying to find out if there’s a level of connection in person/getting to know someone. Why would people spend a bunch of time getting ready and potentially dump a bunch of money for someone they likely wont meet again? I get going into it with your best foot forward but like I said-most first dates dont lead to anything else. If the date goes well though then you can start stepping them up as you go along. Now I’m not saying to show up looking like a slob on a first date or that “hanging out and cuddling” (which is not a date you’re right-it’s a hook up invite) are acceptable. But there’s nothing wrong with a coffee shop meet or a low effort walk around the park. Most people are burnt out from dating as is so expecting everything to be at a 10 all the time is a little absurd, no offense.
You sound insufferable, selfish and conceited. Everything is about what you want. And who are are you to say if people with less disposable income should be dating or not. Please save us all the potential hassle and give up on dating.
To put it into perspective, my husband’s and my first date was something that’s often considered low-effort: coffee. A month later he was taking me to a nearby resort for my birthday. Sometimes a coffee or a walk is just a coffee or a walk and gives no indication of how someone will treat you later on down the line. Sometimes people prefer a shorter, unstructured date because it doesn’t add all of the awkwardness and tension of going on a more formal first date.