My wife and I have been married for over 10 years now, and the past year or so, things have changed a lot, for the better. We’re very sexually active, pretty much every night, and we’re communicating better, I think.
Over the past week or two, things have been really hard for me though. She did a series of things that an ex-fiancée did before she cheated on me, (rejected me the night before, and then got all dressed up and smelling good for work, both of which she never does, it was very unusual.) She said she was spotting, which neither one of us normally care about when it comes to having sex. She confronted me about my anxious behavior and said she is trying to love herself and care about herself more (she does have self-esteem issues).
Ever since then, all these feelings have been re-surfacing that I thought were done with 15 years ago. I’m suspicious, and I have a hard time differentiating between my own suspicions and things that are actually happening, as last time I was the suspicious detective, I actually DID find something as going on.
We’ve been talking a lot , sometimes nicely and openly, and sometimes fighting. I find myself looking for the next thing to be suspicious about…. I hate social media, and I found she’s got a second instagram account that I don’t think she’s told me about. It looks innocent enough, but on either one of her accounts, I don’t exist. No one would have any inkling that she’s married. She used to comment on me not wearing my wedding ring to work, and she was absolutely right to be anxious and hurt about that, but I kinda feel like this is a digital equivalent…. I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting?When I change the background wallpaper on my phone to a picture that’s not her, she comments on it, but I don’t think she has had my pic up on hers in a long time.
Obviously I have some deep-rooted trust issues, and she’s got some deep-rooted self-worth issues, and we’ve both said we both have a lot to work on….
I can’t keep jumping from one suspicion to the next, but at the same time, communication with her is sometimes hard because she takes things personally…. I want her to want to make me a priority in social media, it just seems like she’s purposely not.
Therapy time?
7 comments
Have another talk. Let her know about the things that are setting you off and why. Ask her what she can do to help you. This way the ball is in her court be reactive to your request. If she says the problem is you then there is a much bigger issue that is going on.
Just to be clear, it was your former cheating ex-fiancee who “rejected (you) the night before and then got all dressed up and smelling good for work, both of which she never does.” This isn’t your wife who did this, correct?
Yes, therapy.
It’s exhausting to be with someone who is actively searching for things to be upset about and accusing you of cheating or wanting to cheat.
It’s unfair to project past issues onto current partner and make them essentially “pay” for someone else’s mistakes and indiscretions.
Not having sex one night doesn’t mean a danged thing.
As for the dressing up and such—ya know, we do that for ourselves, right?
I (44F) work from home and have for many years. The only thing I do outside of the home is going to the grocery store, the feed store, and the barn. So there’s no real need for me to look nice. But on Saturday morning, I like to have a coffee, shower, do my hair and makeup (because I actually have time) and then I go out feeling nice about myself.
I stopped all that during Covid as I couldn’t go anywhere actually (immune compromised) and only recently started doing it again.
My partner asked “who are you getting all done up for?” And I said “Me.” And that was that. He just said “well you look really nice. I’ll ravish you when you get home.”
I think that should be your angle too.
Pretty much everyone has been cheated on at some point at least once. We can’t hold the next person hostage over that.
Potential cheaters have common signs. I think you should keep an eye out just in case. See where she is going when she is dressed up and ready to go. Hire a PI if you need to.
Better be prepared than be sorry, especially since you are now married.
Btw, co workers are the number one source of cheating partners.
Talk about these feelings.. To your wife and to someone who can potentially help you work through them, like a therapist or a counsellor, they can definitely help you release those triggers.
Just sit down and explain that you’ve been anxious, the feelings from years ago are resurfacing and it’s making you feel weird about some of the things she does. Ask her why she doesn’t post anything about being married, maybe she’s also a private person and would rather keep that to herself.
Communication is very hard, especially when you’re anxious and don’t want to call someone out on something that isn’t the case. Just take your time, breathe and remember this is your lady. You’re married for a reason and all you can ask is truth really.
And just go from there. If you find it hard talking face to face you can always try notes, or sitting together but back to back so you won’t have to see her initial reaction.
If you want her to make you a priority on social media (depending of course how you mean this) you can always say that. Perhaps suggest it with taking more pictures together or a date night with a small professional shoot?
You are projecting and that’s not fair. It’s not healthy. It will destroy your relationship.
I think this really is a you issue. Doesn’t mean you can’t communicate your anxiety but you need to own it and put zero of the responsibility on her to change anything.
Maybe it’s time for you to consider therapy though?
So therapy, to work through your issues.
Ask her about her Instagram accounts, and why the double standards with regards to photos of the two of you.
Then move on with your life together.
Do not forget this time though, as if the relationship is good and strong, then it will remind you that small things can become large things if you don’t talk.
If she continues to do things that are suspicious, then you will not be working from square one, and will have more evidence in your court when you confront her.