He’s otherwise amazing and we have a great connection. Things were getting serious and I wanted to build a life with him, but I had concerns about our sexual compatibility. I wanted to work on these things together before deciding it was a dealbreaker. I tried to raise concerns about our sex life – he was blindsided by this conversation and did not react well. He became defensive and invalidating, and we ended up breaking up. Should I try to get him back to try working through these differences, even though it may still be a dealbreaker down the line? I think I’m in love with him and he’d be an amazing life partner so I’m sad to lose the relationship without trying to make it work.
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How did you approach him about this? How did you present this information?
He’s probably not going to want you back after you said he was shit in bed. Sexual compatibility is important and if it’s not there, it’s not there.
im more concerned about the part when you wanna talk and he become defensive and invalidating instead of admitting and trying to get support from you.
cos relationship supposed to be a teamwork
No. Let it go.
Sexual compatibility is a tricky topic. We need to enjoy our partners and sexual intimacy, but the concept of determining whether you are “compatible” is such a grey area. Like, how do you even determine that outside of extreme differences in kinks or sexual identities? He was blindsided, so he was obviously fine with your sex life. You weren’t. Which means a breakdown in communication. Someone wasn’t advocating for themselves and/or someone wasn’t listening. So is the problem really sexual incompatibility, or an inability to communicate? You were also questioning the relationship future based on sexual compatibility alone. Do you think that was a bit extreme? You cannot be surprised he broke up with you if you were considering doing the same thing to him.
You may think you approached it as, “things we can improve together”, but it doesn’t sound like you did this in a supportive, contemplative, fun, sexy way based on his extreme negative reaction. Can you say with certainty that this conversation did not involve ultimatums, accusations, or blame?