I guess I’m looking to get some idea of what changes people who found success feel was their “turning point” in getting things together relationship wise. I’m older, never been in a relationship, with a girl, or dated really, and way past the point most people panic, but I know I need to start being more proactive with purpose about this. I’ve been mulling over joining some kind of exercise class or something..
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As an example of what I mean I’ll add that, a few months ago I finally started going to the gym regularly for a while after always being anxious about it. But to simplify it to myself, what helped most in going regularly was realizing that: not one person gives a shit or cares about what you do there, and I didn’t always have to do a full or perfect set of exercises, that it was ok to just do what I could some days.
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I mostly feel overwhelmed with all that I seemingly have to do when trying to find someone and all the ways it can go wrong, especially because of my inexperience.
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First figure out what is holding you back. Is it your social skills? Is it your fitness? Are you just broke? Are you short? Are you ugly? Some of the things you can control some you can’t. Start working on those things and it may be a combination of multiple things. For example you could get in the best shape of your life but if your social/talking skills are still lacking you are problem not going to achieve the success you are looking for. Don’t feel sorry for yourself (not saying that you do.) And for me once I was able to put certain things together, got my social skills to where they needed to me, invested in my appearance (clothing, cutting my hair more often etc.), and being able to take care of myself financially I just became comfortable becoming single. And that removes any sort of for the lack of a better term desperation you may have. Girls can detect it and its generally a turn off when you try too hard. Also when I was able to put together a pretty attractive package it just general made me more confident which girls can also detect. I could write several paragraphs of advice feel free to reach out to my DMs if you want to discuss more specifics.
This probably won’t be helpful, but what helped me was finding identity in having a good paying job. It allowed me to build confidence and wealth and buy the clothes I wanted to express myself. On top of that I started exercising and got my own place.
This has been my experience. I am still learning a lot every day and every interaction with women.
You think your lack of experience will hold you back, but when you’re with the right person your past dating experience or lack thereof won’t matter in the slightest. Just be normal and have fun.
For me it was picking up new hobbies such as cooking and simply doing things I enjoy and listening to things I like. Felt like I finally got an identity and I’ve been more successful because of it since it brought with me confidence.
For me, a friend decided to force me to approach women when we would go to bars. He also taught me to escalate in a timely way. He helped the painfully shy 25yo me, blossom.
Realizing, that dating is a numbers game. The more girls you talk to, the more often you’ll find one you like. Since I wasn’t talking to ANY girls, it was only natural that I didn’t have a girlfriend. Pretty obvious in hindsight tbh.
What helped me the most was just not giving a fuck. I know, typical corny advice. But that doesn’t mean I stopped caring about dating – not at all! I simply stopped caring about being rejected, about dates not leading anywhere, about how people would perceive me on any given day. If I like somebody, I ask them out. If they decline, all good! I can literally ask out anybody I want. Not all of them will accept, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try. And to my surprise, I’ve been rejected maybe twice out of like 10 attempts, so I must be doing at least something well enough. Building this confidence and handling rejection and disappointment with grace and dignity was the single biggest gamechanger for me.
I stumbled into an industry that “chose me” after dealing with some failures etc and went back to school to get my degree. Started going to the gym (helped my confidence A LOT) got a better haircut dressed better. As dealt with my demons and so many other things along the way.
It ultimately helped me get more focused career wise, dating wise I just don’t care to right now until I’m more established. Glad you’re finding your way!
My advice was always stop looking at a situation as a date/interview. This advice will most likely be tailored to a first date or meeting people while out e.g bar ect
Go talk to them have fun and just focus on getting to know the person. It’ll take alot of the pressure away if you remove expectations from yourself. At the end of the night you’ll not only have an idea about how they feel. You’ll also be able to sit back and say that you had a great night, with a hopefully nice person and it will never feel forced
Congrats on trying to do something about your lack of dating experience! I first gained confidence in other prospects of my life, such as building a career in my early 20s. I also stay fit and expanded my social circle. However, I recently found out that those confidence doesn’t necessarily translate to being esteemed while in a romantic relationship. I’d suggest putting yourself out there to meet woman, not rushing to any relationship, until you know how you act around potential romantic partners and what kind of qualities and values they have that you want and that match you. If I can do it all over, I’d make sure to find out what their intentions are and watch if their actions align. If you feel like you all are not on the same page, it’s okay to accept the fact and save your energy to work on issues with whom actually reciprocate your effort. Anyway, keep an open mind and heart, and don’t be scared of being burnt a few times by people. Good luck gaining the experience that you need, before you’ve met the right fit! 🙂
Losing weight.
That’s all that “late blooming” really is. Realize that people have expectations and you have to change to meet them.
I (22F) am in a very similar situation, I still have not been in a serious relationship. For me I believe it is due to my insecurities, whether that’s my appearance or personality. But I’ve been going to therapy for about 2 years now and slowly it has been helping me build confidence in myself. I had to really learn to love myself (cliche I know) and stop focusing on my own worries to be able to accept someone else into my life. As of now, I’ve been on a few dates and I’ve been pretty active on some of the dating apps. This is something I would not have been able to do about a year ago. I’ve found a new side to myself that I am genuinely enjoying and with the right person I know I am ready for a relationship. So I guess time and patience in myself has helped me get out there. Being a genuine person and not putting up a front on dates is also very important in weeding out people who don’t mesh with you. The most important thing is putting yourself and your happiness as a priority before adding more to your plate. Once I figured that out I knew I was ready.
As a person with ADHD & ASD, I can relate to this. I was a late bloomer but I’ve always just kinda marched to the beat of my own drum. I got divorced 4,5 years ago and have been dating my current bf for 2,5 years now. Getting back in the dating game was really hard because by then I was freshly divorced, still a bit sad from that and probably resentful, and I had two kids, so most guys saw me as the bottom of the barrel…. They treated me like horse manure!! Then I started dating “up”. Not in appearance way. But I started dating men that were more “accomplished”, men that didn’t live in their mom’s basement or worked graveyard shifts just didn’t make the cut for me anymore. I had to find a man with a house, a car, perhaps a career or a job he was passionate about.