How do I (27F) talk to my boyfriend (29M) about his anger, without poking the bear?

32 comments

1. The best way to do it is to bring it up sometime when he isn’t already angry.

   However, he’s already using his anger to intimidate you, and you’re afraid to discuss it with him. This doesn’t bode well for healthy communication, since he’s trained you to walk on eggshells around him and to censor what you say for fear of him losing his temper. I think you must know that he would, in fact, turn that rage on you.

   You have to know that my recommendation will be to leave him.

2. You’ve been together for 2.5 years but can’t have an open conversation with your partner. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

3. >I honestly don’t think Oliver would ever turn that violence toward me.

   I bet you thought that about the past men who turned their violence toward you.

   You shouldn’t be in a relationship that triggers your PTSD so badly. This is beyond cruel to yourself. You don’t even feel safe to speak up and say that he’s scaring you? God, that’s so sad. He’s trained you to be afraid of him.

   If after over two years you don’t feel comfortable saying something your partner is doing is making you uncomfy or scaring you – you have no voice, and no agency in your relationship. This is horrible.

   I have PTSD too and simply couldn’t date someone with an anger problem. I’m not sure why you’d do that to yourself. Repetition compulsion, maybe?

4. You get out that’s how. You have lots of trauma. Until you treat it you will find yourself drawn to men like this. His anger is not normal anger, he slams doors, kicks furniture, that’s abuse.

   “I don’t think he’ll turn that abuse on me”, all behaviours including violence escalate. A general rule for dating women (men for their son’s) should follow: I should be with the kind of man that I would want my daughter to be with and leave the one’s I wouldn’t want her to be with. I say that because lust and love blinds us to unhealthy behaviours in relationships.

5. You’re scared of your own boyfriend and can’t even talk to him about his insane anger…why would you want to stay with someone who terrifies you when he is angry?

6. You should have talk to him since the beginning . I understand your past give you PTSD and him handling in the bad way his frustration doesn’t help but waiting that long have not only escalate your own struggles but make it harder for him to understand the situation and why you waited that long before speaking out.

   You must understand that Some people mean no arms when they do what your boyfriend do it’s just they never had the proper way to express themselves so try to not associate directly with abuse because it’s not.

   I encourage you to talk and maybe counseling together to find a way to better communicate and improve the situation.

7. You are afraid of this man. You are afraid to talk to him about stuff because you fear his reaction. You tell yourself that he would never hurt you but deep down you aren’t sure if maybe, in his rage, he will hurt you. You surely recognized that he escalated more and more. So how can you be sure that he never hurt you? And if he just throws something and it hits you. Tell me, how is this a happy relationship when you have fear of your partner and can’t talk with him? When you need to walk on egg-shells?

   The problem is that he would need YEARS of therapy and anger-management, but first he must realize himself that he has a problem and wants to change.

   So many women think that he won’t hurt her, it is just the furniture or the wall. But then is a point when they cross the bounderie and hit her. Of course they are so sorry afterwards, they promise it will never happen again, they play the victim. But if they cross this line once, it is so easy to do it again. And always they hear “it will never happen again!”. Till it is too late and the punch has too hard…

   You should also be careful if you think about breaking – don’t be alone when you tell him! Who cares if it is bad style. But so often aggressive men forget the restraints in such moments and get violent!

   He is aggressive. It can change every minute to what he turns the aggression! Never forget this!

8. Seek relationship counseling. Approach the subject while he’s not currently angry.

   Mostly I recommend moving out though. Y’all can work on your relationship if you chose from living in two separate homes. If he chooses to go to therapy and work on his issues, great! If not, at least you no longer will be subjected to his mood swings.

   End of the day this person is adding drama and stress to your life. If he doesn’t see a problem then unfortunately it’s on you to decide whether you want to live your life in chaos or not.

9. Everyone assuming he’s gonna turn abusive is jumping to conclusions I think. I’ve got family that has done this. I think the difference is that usually they only get angry at themselves. It’s when HE is fixing something and getting frustrated that he yells like that. The real question is that does he do it when YOU are the source of anger and frustration? What about people he is in power over? If a waiter messes up his order does he freak out? If an elderly person causes an issue due to confusion does he still respect them? What about pets or small children? If his anger is directed at others in any way I’d leave.

   You mention him noticing your shell shocked attitude though. It sounds like he doesn’t realize the effect he’s having. Or he thinks the effect he’s having is quite different. I think there are some people who feel they have to “perform their frustration” as if to explain that something isn’t going their way.

   If you want him to continue to be your partner and think he’s capable of the shift (some people are) then you should try and explain what his behavior is doing to you. Don’t apologize for it. Although I think both of you need therapy, him anger management and you trauma. In the meantime you guys maybe come up with compromises. Difficult conversations maybe get written down on notes or in an email and you go back and forth to solve and discuss issues. He works on cool off techniques like walks. I’ve had to have hard conversations facing away from the person because eye contact was too hard. These things seem silly but it is important that the answer is never “don’t have the conversation”. Just do what it takes to work together in those tense moments while you guys separately do the work with therapy to take the pressure out of those stressful moments.
   If he is getting mad during tasks you guys could talk about them (they seem a bit predictable) and when he’s instead does these tasks when you are at the gym or at work. Maybe noise canceling headphones?

   Obviously you don’t have to do any of that. But if you chose to leave I still recommend getting therapy for yourself. There are many times in the future that you are likely going to encounter anger from other people. It’s important that you work on overcoming that reaction so that you can handle these scenarios in the future.

10. I couldn’t be with someone I was afraid of. You are scared of him. Your body and your heart knows that you aren’t safe and your brain is trying to rationalize it away so you don’t have to face it. Your brain is wrong and your heart is right. I’m gonna leave a book I think you should read. If you keep getting sucked into abusive relationships like this one then there must be something that needs to change about your decision making process so maybe think about therapy to help you identify that.

    https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

11. The way he expresses anger is not acceptable in any healthy relationship. It is not normal. You are not triggered by it solely because of your trauma, this would be very anxiety-inducing for pretty much anyone.

    I’m sure you’ll keep believing he’d never be violent towards you, right up until he is. I’ll believe you if you say this is better than your other relationships. But if it is, it’s only because your perception of what is normal is so extremely warped that you think this being less awful is actually good.

12. I know everyone is telling you to leave him-

    If you guys really are compatible and you are as happy with him as you say you are, I think you should have an open and honest conversation with him about it. Most people are right- if you feel like you can’t have a conversation with him about this without him getting angry, then that can be an issue but again, if he loves and cares about you, he will understand and be compassionate if you bring this up to him. I think the right course of action would be to do so and offer him support in anyway if this seems like something he’s willing to at least consider getting help for.

    That being said, still be safe. Make sure you word your concerns in a way that won’t trigger him or make him feel outcasted. Let him know you care about him, and be there for him as opposed to making him feel like he’s different and should feel ashamed for what he’s done.

    Good luck.

13. My partner has raised his voice and slammed a door around me exactly once. It wasn’t even aimed at me—he was frustrated with a video game. It triggered a c-ptsd attack so bad that I left the apartment and went to sit outside and cry. When my partner realized what he’d done, that he’d hurt me in that way, he never raised his voice or slammed a door ever again. It’s been years.

    Oliver should be able to see that he’s hurting you and rectify the behavior. And if you don’t even feel safe enough with him to talk to him about it? That’s not a good sign. I couldn’t stay in an environment like that, and I’m not convinced you should, either. 🙁

14. I can’t think of any subject I can’t bring up with my husband. I can’t recall a time when I’ve ever feared his anger. Not that he doesn’t get angry; I just know he would never turn physical on me. I think you deserve to feel this way about your partner, too.

    You say you are in therapy. What does your therapist say about Oliver’s anger management issues and your fear of him and inability to talk to him? Can you get him to go to some joint sessions with you?

15. >I am very happy to be with him.

    Except for when you’re scared of him

16. I think you need to recognise that your bf can CHOOSE whether or not he expresses his anger. He doesn’t behave like this at work. He ALLOWS himself to get angry and violent at home.

    At some stage, you need to tell him that this behaviour terrifies you. How he responds will tell you everything you need to know – if he actually cares about you, he will be stricken and apologetic, and work to change his behaviours.
    If he becomes angry at you for raising the subject, he’s an abuser who is more interested in control than your wellbeing.

    It’s pretty cut and dried.

    The fact that you feel you have to find some calming, soothing way to talk to him about your fear suggests that you subliminally know you are already in an emotionally abusive relationship (based on a very short snippet of information in your post). It should not be that hard to start a conversation.

17. Your PTSD is triggered by violent outbursts of anger. That is not unreasonable. Your reaction to those outbursts is not unreasonable, even without the PTSD. You said that talking to him about it would anger him more, meaning you are consciously fearful. IF you truly feel you are safe and he would never hurt you, then that is what you must do, talk to him, make yourself the center of his attention, and let him know what it means if he can’t control his temper like a big boy. You don’t have to give details as to why his behavior frightens you, it’s perfectly understandable, and centering his attention on you may be exactly what he needs to do instead of slamming doors and kicking furniture. How many holes has he put in the walls so far? Has he broken a TV yet? Maybe ripped the door off the washer? How long do you want to live like this? You have the right to address your needs with him, to let him know you’d like to be able to have nice things and not walk on eggshells around him. POKE THE BEAR already. See what happens. Maybe he’s not even that much of a bear. And if it turns out he is, you leave.

18. Just because he hasn’t physically assaulted you, doesn’t mean he isn’t violent.

    You’re literally terrified at talking to him about how bad his awful behaviour makes you feel.

    That isn’t ok and shouldn’t be something you have to do.

    Speak to some DV organisations, put together a safety plan and leave him

19. Please leave. Get therapy. Seek healthy relationship. I am pretty sure even you realize this is not healthy or safe but you are not willing to accept it or do anything about it. Totally understandable response due to your past but you really need to leave this relationship for your own safety.

20. Since he asked if you are okay, that signals to me that he cares and is not trying to hurt you with his displays.

    That was a very good “in” to discuss it and perhaps set him on the path to displaying his anger in more healthy ways.

    But, you didn’t take that “in”, so the best way to bring it up would be something like, “Hey, you know when you were all upset and asked if I was okay? Well, I’ve had some trauma in the past and when you kick the furniture or slam doors it’s triggering to me, and I feel like I’m back there again.”

    If you’re afraid that telling him this is going to make him more angry, reflect on whether this is due to the past trauma, or due to being actually afraid of HIM. You know the answers from there.

21. I mean, yelling and cursing and slamming doors and kicking things when angry is 100% abusive?

    If you can’t talk to your partner without fearing he’ll turn his violence onto you, you need to breakup. Point blank, don’t pass go, don’t collect $200.

    You’re in therapy, great! Get a different therapist, maybe one who will actually tell you what you need to be hearing (being in a relationship that continually triggers your PTSD is not a good or healthy relationship!)

22. >I honestly don’t think Oliver would ever turn that violence toward me.

    Oh…, oh honey…😔

23. Have that conversation in a public place. Obviously not like in a restaurant where people can overhear, but maybe on a park bench. Might also be a good idea to have it right before one of you leaves on a trip separately. Just for your own safety.

24. He is making you scared. How is this a good relationship?

    Sounds like you’ve embarked on yet another abusive relationship and are just beginning to work that out.

    Think carefully whether you want to be in therapy for the rest of your life because this immature prick can’t control his anger like an adult should, or if you would be better off without him so you can lead a normal, fear-free life.

25. You don’t. You leave. Honestly, no good will come of staying.

26. Ask him his thoughts on it. It will tell you alot.

    But also what tells me alot is the fact that you are walking on eggshells bringing it up. he’s your partner, your equal and you should be able to talk about anything comfortably. When your with someone, there will always be uncomfortable things you’ll need to discuss and the only way a partnership is sustainable is to openly discuss them together.

    I’ve never had to say I don’t think my boyfriend would hurt me. It’s never been something I’ve had to consider. You need to ask yourself why you need to say that particular phrase.

27. Lots of people said they didn’t believe their bf would hit and yell at them , until they did

28. I know there is a very good chance you won’t believe this, but you are in an abusive relationship. You say you’ve been in an abusive relationship before, and you’re in one now.

    You say you don’t think he will direct his violence towards you. He already is. He can control his violence because I guarantee you he doesn’t respond to upsets at work by kicking furniture and screaming. He does it around you because he knows it affects you, keeps you afraid of him.

    Please listen to the comments in this post. You are posting here because you know it’s not right.

29. I’ll go against the grain a bit and say that, from what you describe, his expression of anger doesn’t seem extremely out of the norm, if definitely over the top. It’s hard to tell if this is someone who you should genuinely be afraid of or if this is your sensitivity to visible aggression.

    Either way, the big thing I see here is that it doesn’t seem you’ve ever openly expressed that his way of expessing anger makes you cower and scares you. And it’s possible that if this just normal for hi, he wouldn’t ever connect the dots. Do you find him to be a thoughtful and caring person otherwise? Do you feel he tries to make you comfortable and safe in other situations?

    If that’s the case, and you genuinely feel he is otherwise a caring person, I think it would be very important to approach him when he’s calm, and express the anxiety and instinctive fear that violent expression of anger brings you, and that you then avoid contact becayse you don’t want to upset him. If he cares about you and this was just an acceptable way of showing anger how he was raised, hearing that it causes you fear should be enough to make him try to change. He might be upset that you never brought it up before and he hurt you, but he wouldn’t be angry about it.

    If you are genuinely scared for how he would react if you brought this up, however, have to cause to believe he would react with violence or fear he would hurt you- then this is dangerous and you shouldn’t be in this situation.

30. Jesus, DTMFA.

31. He sounds like my ADHD boyfriend

32. If he has an anger issue, he needs therapy, anger management, and a better way to manage his feelings. I personally wouldn’t stay with someone with an anger issue. It only escalates to physical violence. I dumped my most recent bf because he was starting to become abusive verbally.