My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months. He invited me to a friend’s holiday party. At the party I met “Sarah”. I got vibes that she was into my boyfriend because she was showing him a lot of attention and laughing at all his jokes, but wasn’t showing anyone else that much attention. He wasn’t showing her any attention back so I didn’t think much of it.
Then she organized a weekly 6 am rock climbing meetup with him and, initially, two other girls. However, the two other girls don’t come. It is just them two meeting up every week and climbing for a few hours.
The other day, there was supposed to be a group of people going to watch a movie together, but it turned out just to be the two of them. I didn’t go because I was busy and don’t like that genre of movies.
I feel jealous by the amount of time they spend together and I get vibes she likes him. I’m afraid she is trying to steal my boyfriend. I am afraid he might leave me for her because we don’t have any common hobbies. She is a very beautiful, intelligent, successful woman.
My boyfriend is very loving and has never given me a reason to question his feelings for me, but my sister had two boyfriends poached from her, so I know it is possible.
I don’t want to be controlling or jealous, but I also don’t want to lose my boyfriend because I really love him. Also, I might lose my boyfriend if I come off as too controlling by asking them to stop hanging out one on one with her.
TLDR: Should I ask my boyfriend to stop hanging out with a girl alone who I think has a crush on him?
23 comments
Does he actively try to invite you to some of these events?
Short of kidnapping, nobody *steals* someone boyfriend – the boyfriend willingly chooses to go. Don’t blame women for the men being shitty.
That said, either you trust your partner or you don’t.
I would say go with your gut. It rarely fails us. It does sound like she’s into him and the fact that maybe one outing could have ended up just the 2 of them would be believable but the fact it’s multiple times tells me she plans it that way.
You’re allowed to tell him how you feel and that you think she wants him. Pretty sure he wouldn’t like it if it was the other way around.
I think you should be there with them eventhough it’s not what you like best. If you never there with him and she is eventually he could fall for her. Sometimes it takes time to develop feelings some small things here and there. Don’t give them the occasions.
if it’s impossible for you to be there then tell him how you feel and ask for boundaries
Human beings aren’t inanimate objects one can “steal”. So what you’re really afraid of is that your boyfriend will leave you to be with “Sarah”. This means you don’t trust him, which is somewhat expected when a relationship is on the newish side. You obviously can’t ask him to never see her again because if he has any intellect whatsoever he’ll see that as controlling and dump you. Love is a risk precisely because we can’t force someone to stay with us if they don’t want to. You can’t make someone be faithful by just eliminating all temptation. Temptation is out there, it’s everywhere and you can’t put blinders on a partner thinking that’ll guarantee they never leave. So ultimately you have to decide if you have the mettle to roll the dice by being in a relationship at all.
It’s time to talk calmly and explain that like him he can see other man attentions you see her attention towards him. Tell him it’s obvious she have a crush on him and try to find any excuses to spend time with him and you can’t take any longer or it will put trouble in your relationship. She is trying to be close to him and he must distance himself or it will not end well
I would not ask my partner to stop hanging out with a specific person. I would voice my concerns to my partner, point out what I’ve noticed, and see how he handles it. I would then base my next actions on how he handles it.
You’ve only been dating for 7 months. You don’t really get to make requests for him to cut off friends. You can discuss your insecurities and fears with him, though.
Edited to add: I’d also go on these rock climbing meets. Maybe I’d even do that before bringing up my concerns so I can see how they interact.
INFO: besides the 6am weekly rock climb, how often are they seeing each other? And what percentage is it just the two of them?
You should join him.
You need to shit or get off the pot hun.
Do nothing and watch him disappear.
People never showing up? Are you sure he ain’t lying about that
Start going with them. Talk to your boyfriend and create boundaries. It’s up to him whether or not he wants to be her friend, and if he’s openly disrespecting the relationship, you should reconsider being with him.
Have you guys talked about this?
I’m an idiot when it comes to noticing people showing interest or flirting with me, but even I would be suspicious or feel uncomfortable if a lady friend of mine invited me out to group activities that *consistently* turned out to be one on one hangouts.
I think the first step is to communicate with each other and get on the same page. Obviously this behavior is suspicious, bordering on inappropriate and if your BF agrees then you can both take steps together to set boundaries with this friend. If your Bf doesn’t agree that this is a problem then you have bigger issues, but you can cross that bridge when you get to it.
I hang out with a larger group of people twice a week for jams. The group also does stuff outside of this twice a week hang outs, but not everyone can make it to the other things. There have been many times where everyone but one person backed out of doing something. So people suddenly deciding to not go is honestly a normal thing. You also are ignoring everyone who is telling you that he isn’t something to be “stolen” or those who are telling you to spend more time with him and go with them to hang out. It just seems like you want him as a possession or a pet and like you’re insecure.
Anybody who successfully poaches a boyfriend from you is doing you a favour. This girl is not your issue. If your bf isnt figuring this out for himself, and is enjoying all the one on one time without stopping to wonder why, well then I’m not sure hes worth the worry
You can’t really “ask him not to”, but you can have a good conversation about boundaries and how it makes you feel.
I agree with the advice of going to every one of these meet ups and find out how they are interacting. If she is being flirty, call her out. So tired of reading about girls (or guys) trying to be cool or understanding. If you love the guy, put in the effort. Talk to him, call her out if needed, and show up to show her she needs to back off. Will he cheat if he really wants to, yes. But if you don’t put up some sort of “fight” to show you want him, you will lose him. Edit to add- reading he invites you and you don’t go because you aren’t interested. Damn girl get some interest. The way it sounds you aren’t even making an effort to hang with him doing what he wants
Have you considered having a chat with him about your concerns? You could express that you’ve noticed she perhaps gives him extra attention and the rest of the stuff you’ve noticed and I would also bring up how this may be an insecurity compounded by your sisters experience with her boyfriends. Definitely communicate sooner rather than later and you got this!!
I think it’s very disrespectful for him to be spending all of this one on one time with her. You need to voice your concerns and his response should tell you all you need to know.
That’s not going to go over well. Talk to him about your concerns but keep in mind that you can’t ask him to stop hanging out with anyone. If he brushes you off there’s your answer.
If you’re making no effort to enjoy the things he likes doing but insist that he stops hanging out with a friend who does, you’re not really making a convincing case for why he should stay with you. 7 months? I’d leave so fast if I got a request like that after such a short relationship.
“I know she’s really interesting and hot and shares your interests but here’s what I bring to the table. I don’t like doing the things you like and also I’m insecure. Make your choice.”
Express your concern to your bf about her intentions. But don’t ask him to stop hanging out with her. If he offers say that you trust him to make the right decisions but just wanted to talk to him about it because it was bothering you.
The thing is. Integrity is about doing the right think even if no body is there. So, if you trust him. Then it shouldn’t matter if he’s alone with her or not.
And you can’t “poach” an SO if they are already “poachable”.
Sounds like she only invites him and lied about the others. Speak to your bf