My boyfriend [24 M] and I [24 F] have different values…can a relationship like this work?

16 comments

1. > Firstly, my boyfriend is religious, catholic, and I am not. With this comes more conservative leaning views. For example he is pro-life. I on the other hand am pro-choice.

   OP, you’re not compatible at all. Religion is one of the top dealbreakers for many….and if he’s pro-life (anti-choice)….you need to RUN.

   > When we had the abortion conversation, he ended it with “let’s just never talk about this again”.

   BS, you can’t ignore this topic, especially as a woman. WHY would you ever want to have sex with a man who will try forcing you to have a child, no matter what it means to your own health? What if he forces your potential future daughter or son to go through giving birth to an unwanted child? What if he forces you?

   Question: what are his views on premarital sex, birth control, and premarital living together? What happens if his future wife wants to continue working after having kids? How will he act if his kids are homosexual or trans? What if his kids have ZERO interest in being part of the church?

   Ignoring is NOT an option. You need to sit down TODAY and sort out these things. If you’re on different pages, you walk away and end it.

   > He also lives on a farm on very secluded land, and wishes for me to live there with him in the future. The thought of being secluded for the rest of my life is very frightening, but he would never leave.

   > https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/12bsc9h/i_24_f_love_my_boyfriend_24_m_but_he_wants_us_to/

   So also a lifestyle difference. Why would you isolate yourself this much? Why move for someone who’s never going to be willing to do the same?

   Also given he wants to continue living with his parents…what’s his family dynamic like? Are his parents also overly Catholic? Will they have a say in your relationship? What happens if they disrespect you?

   Has this man ever lived by himself? Can he run a household by himself, or is this a “woman’s job”?

   > He treats me so well and is giving me everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I’m talking breakfast in bed every weekend, massages, sweet notes/letters, listens to me rant/complain for hours. I have been in 2 other long term relationships and I almost feel as if no one has loved me before, because I can feel his love for me so strong.

   > https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/10m1fz4/24f_23m_going_on_a_first_date_after_texting_every/

   Love is NEVER enough…and given you’ve only been dating for “a few months”, you’re most likely still in the early honeymoon stages, hence, it’s more infatuation than love. Of course he’s trying to impress you.

   > He talks about wanting to marry me and have kids with me,

   You barely know each other…..is this his “Catholic self” talking?

   > Can a relationship with differences such as these work?

   So do you both hope the other person will change? Will you just hope you have never an accidental pregnancy? Will you hope that eventually he wants to move to a different area?

   > Should I even try to make it work?

   No, you run.

   > https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/vboa4v/deleted_by_user/

   Sounds like you should be single for a while, and read up on red flags (e.g. loveisrespect.org, “Why does he do that?”) and consider what you really want in a relationship. Don’t just “settle” for anyone who shows you a bit of love…..

2. Differing core values can be tricky, expecially if either side is assuming one day the other party will change their mind.

   Edit: upon further reflection, refusing to ever speak about a topic like abortion kinda seems like a red flag. Communication is bedrock to a healthy relationship and you’ve allready found a topic that is barred from communication this early in the relationship. I wonder if this will he how he handles disagreements further down in the relationship.

3. Loving someone and being loved by them is a really great thing **but** this is not enough for a long term relationship to work, especially if it seems to be going to marriage. Being on the same page on ethics, religion (if it’s important), how to handle money, the kind of lifestyle both people want, how the chores will be handled, if there is the need to have children etc need to be discussed. These are issues that are easy to say “Hey we love each other, so we can handle them”, but they will come up and most of them, if not all, can be potential deal breakers. My advice would be for you to really reconsider if you are willing to live with the consequences of being with someone that has different points of views in some really important for you issues. Can you handle them without being miserable? Without feeling 100% secure? With compromising some core values of yours? What will happen if you do end up pregnant? Do you want your children to grow up with the same values?

4. I don’t see this working out in the long run unless you manage to compromise and adapt to his lifestyle.

5. Abortion and related subjects are one of the topics that partners really need to be on the same side of to be compatible. It’s kind of fundamental — does he believe you own your body, or does he believe he, society, or God owns it? If you were getting sick while pregnant and you needed to end the pregnancy for your health, would he cooperate or would he try to stop you? Would he cooperate with you using contraception to control when you get pregnant?

   This situation is raising a number of possible red flags in my opinion:

   You’d be in a secluded location where you are largely dependent on him financially. If something bad happened, you wouldn’t be able to easily go to a friend or family. He is not willing to honestly and forthrightly communicate about subjects on which you disagree. He aligns politically with groups who, on the whole, do not support women’s rights and autonomy. He is effusive with affection and romantic gestures, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing (I do the same thing myself because I tend to be kind of overwhelmed by the urge to display my love to those I feel it for), but can be an example of what is called “[love-bombing](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_bombing)”. Notably, he’s talking marriage and children after only a few months. That’s moving really fast. Again, it’s not always a bad sign, but it can be a manifestation of an unhealthy relationship dynamic, and is something abusers are known to do.

   I would recommend you do not move in with him and do not marry him, and tell him outright that you want to stop talking about marriage and kids for at least a year or so. Don’t get pregnant. If he continues in this way he’s currently going down, you probably don’t want to continue dating him.

6. Do you want to raise your kids with your bf’s morals – which seem to include extramarital sex in spite of his faith.

   If not, he’s not the one for you.

7. I encourage you to read the story of couples around the world who even being different make it work! I know so many couples who are different in many ways but thankful they focus on what that bring them together and compromise to have the best relationship ever.

8. I’ve lived rural, secluded, and in cities. There are very different lifestyles that go with each. It is not for everyone, and I understand not compromising on it. This alone is enough to end a relationship, never mind the other huge red flags you have listed. I’m not sure what you expect, by ignoring these problems now they will just come up later.

9. This isn’t even just “different values”. It’s incompatible longterm life goals. So no, no matter how good he gives breakfast in bed you won’t be happy together if you don’t even want to live in the same environment.

10. Personally I would not be with someone who doesn’t believe that the choice of what to do with a fetus belongs to the person who the fetus is inhabiting. Especially when that person will never, ever be pregnant.

    This would not work for me. My values are too strong. Are yours?

11. do not marry this person

    do not have kids with this person

    there are red flags here

12. *But, there’s always a but. He treats me so well and is giving me everything I’ve ever wanted and more. I’m talking breakfast in bed every weekend, massages, sweet notes/letters, listens to me rant/complain for hours. I have been in 2 other long term relationships and I almost feel as if no one has loved me before, because I can feel his love for me so strong. I am scared to make a wrong choice and lose this.*

    *Because of my past relationships I am having a hard time distinguishing attachment from love here and cannot tell how I feel. He talks about wanting to marry me and have kids with me, but thinking about our moral differences makes me wary.*

    You’ve only been together a few months, and he’s love-bombing you. When he’s got you trapped on the farm with his mom and dad and babies, then what?

    *Edited for punctuation

13. I didn’t get past pro-life. Big time deal breaker.

14. Of course he is doing these things. It’s 3 months into a new relationship. Further, a relationship needs to be built on more than breakfast in bed and love notes. Values, hobbies, life goals, etc. are an equally critical part of a relationship, as well as having the ability to communicate and be respectful of one another even in the hard times.

    Not talking about the differences, especially when neither of you will change (which you shouldn’t), isn’t going to make the issue go away. And it certainly doesn’t build a good foundation for future issues that may arise if you stay with him.

    Relationships, plenty of them, have ended because of mismatched values. Honestly, seeing early on now that those values are not aligned is a chance to leave early and not invest more months or years into something that clearly isn’t a match.

15. I wonder if he has posted on Reddit about his relationship with a woman that doesn’t share his values?

    I’m guessing he probably isn’t looking to Redditors for the right answer regarding how to live his best life.

16. Would he try to prevent you from having and abortiion or would he just not have an abortion himself if he was female because its a sin in his religion? Imposing his belief on you is different from having the belief for yourself alone.

    The farm thing seems like a dealbreaker if you don’t wanna live there.