My wife and I have not reconnected after the birth of our child about 5 months ago and I’m a little concerned. We’re both in our mid 30s (me closer to 40) and have been together for about 4 years. The first month or so after the birth was shaky in part because I didn’t anticipate my MILs increased involvement in my life, or that my wife seemingly would rather raise our kid with her than with me, and I feel like we’ve not recovered.
I fell in love with her in part because she was so caring. I was excited to see how she’d care for our child with the same level of love she would give me, but I didn’t think she’d basically care for our child instead of me.
At this point she clearly wants to move closer to her parents who are currently about 3 hours away. I feel like she has plans to let them move in with us if we get a house and I really don’t see how we can build a life together under those conditions. Not a life I’m excited about anyway.
I know the answer will probably be more clear after some counselling and talking it out, but I kinda feel like that’s maybe a first step towards a separation and I really don’t want to be away from my son or call our marriage over. I’m quite scared to be honest, but it feels like neither of us are really happy at the moment. I look back at old pictures when we were dating and care free and it seems so foreign now, and even though I absolutely love our son and my wife it really makes me pretty sad that it’s so different now.
Anyway, that’s all.. just wanted to get it off my chest. I hope we can sort this out soon, and hopefully I can post later about how we’ve worked through this and have become a happy unit.
5 comments
Having a kid is a pretty major change to the dynamics of your relationship and both of you are trying to adjust. Obviously she cares about your kid, and she probably stills cares about you too. However, now there’s a new person in the picture. Honestly, with being so busy with the kid, the way you feel may not be how she feels at all; dedicating time and attention on you, or lack thereof, possibly hasn’t even crossed her mind.
You should tell her how you feel, and this may sound bad but, it’s not about you and her anymore. Be cognizant of that when you approach her with your feelings. With regard to the parents, I totally get wanting to move closer, but live WITH you? Yeah, I’d have to take a hard pass on my MIL living in my house. It takes two to have a relationship and it’s your kid too, so if you really don’t want your in-laws living in your house, you need her to make her aware of that now.
The way you describe the situation makes it sound like you are just watching your wife be a parent. Are you really involved with raising the baby or does she actually have to rely on her parents to be involved because you aren’t? Also the first 2 years of having a child are the most difficult for a relationship. When someone is depending on you for their survival it really takes away all the attention from everything else.
From my understanding, it’s very common for a lot of that caring/loving energy that you loved so much in your wife to go to the child once it’s born; all the extra loving and caring gestures she gave you through courtship and marriage are rightly being diverted to the substantial care of your child while its needs are so great and the swing of life is so different. She’s also in a huge hormonal shift at the moment, and this may not settle out for more than a year. That’s normal and expected, and while you may not be on board with all her inclinations (like the in laws) it would be best to be as present and supportive as possible in your new journey together as parents. She may rely less on her mother as you step up as a father and show her you are a capable co-parent. Many husbands feel shamefully jealous of the child or secretly neglected all of a sudden because of this sudden shift in focus in their wives. Often this is something that will change with time as you communicate, co-parent, wait for both the child to become a little more independent and the mother to refocus to a new life through time. This is most likely a natural bump in the road for your marriage, and it’s best to wait for things to settle out. There’s not much time for romance, sensuality, spontaneity, gestures of affection, etc in the beginning of having kids, but once they become more independent and life picks up into a new familiar swing there’s room to reinvigorate the romantic parts of your partnership. The better you fill the role of being a father, the more likely you are to stay present with her and your child through this time until your relationship gets the chance to morph back into something more romantic and sensual between you as partners.
Seriously? It’s only 5 months PP. Your wife has an infant and it needs her attention. Life’s going to be different for awhile. Grow up.
Honestly you sound like a child who is upset that attention is taken away from them.
This is YOUR child that you BOTH brought into this world. It’s not an easy thing and of course attention is going to be shifted to the new baby. Does that mean she loves you any less? No.
You sound jealous and it’s not cute.
I just had a baby in January 2022 and my husband and I are both equally exhausted because of what it takes to raise a baby. He’s back to work full time working from home and I’m with her all day at home as I’m on maternity leave. Obviously she’s more used to me because I’m with her the majority of the time and my time goes all towards her. My husband though doesn’t feel like he’s missing anything because he knows the love I have for him is very different than the love I have for our child.
To think that you would question it because she’s caring for your child is absurd.
Are you not a present father or are you one who expects his wife to do everything along with maintaining your relationship and your glass feelings? Because that also will play into effect on what time she does have left to give. I can understand not wanting to have the inked move in but if you’re a present father who’s taking in half the work then you wouldn’t need to have that happen.