Why do you think feminism should or shouldn’t encourage women to make the first move in romantic relationships? Can you please provide your perspective on the potential benefits or drawbacks of doing so?

21 comments

1. I think feminism already encourages women to make the move they’re most comfortable with. Feminism isn’t about encouraging one way or another, it’s about providing comfort and confidence in choosing the path they want to take.

   The benefits or drawbacks are going to vary from person to person and what they prefer. The only common drawback I can think of is making the first move as a woman is still stigmatized somewhat; though, I’ll be honest, if someone’s ego is tarnished for not making the first move I don’t think I want to be with them in the first place.

2. I mean… I don’t think *anyone* should just sit around and hope that the other person does something (especially if they’re then gonna whine about it when they never have a partner, but have put no work in). I wanna say I don’t think it’s a feminist issue, BUT given that the patriarchy continues to think women don’t/shouldn’t have sex drives, I guess it is kind of important that young women view themselves as actual autonomous people, rather than delicate little dollies, waiting for A Man™ to take them down off the shelf.

3. I don’t think feminism should encourage women to make the first move. I also think it shouldn’t encourage women to not make the first move.

   I think the dynamics of making a relationship shouldn’t be about “who feels like they’re being the dominant one” but a natural progression in a social situation, suited to the situation.

   Personally? The only thing feminism should encourage is doing what you want. Anything otherwise feels like the antithesis to what feminism is.

4. I guess if you really take the wellbeing of women into account, it should encourage women to stay away entirely from romantic relationships.

5. I, like everyone else so far, don’t believe it’s connected to feminism but just communication. I don’t think it should fall on either party to make he first move

   That said, as someone who always communicates if im interested, the biggest downfall i have found so far is that because generally men get less attention, they tend to reciprocate ‘interest’ wether they’re actually interested or not. Which has led me to a couple of very pointless relationships

6. I don’t think feminism should waste any time on who initiates asking someone out. Women should have the ability and choice to initiate if they wish, but there is no obligation on anyone of any gender to initiate if they don’t want to. As long as the old fashioned gendered roles in dating are seen as optional rather than mandatory, I don’t care if someone chooses to initiate or chooses not to. If they choose to be more passive and not to initiate, then they shouldn’t whine about not getting the dates they prefer

7. [removed]

8. Feminism encourages women to own what they feel. So if you are into someone, Feminism would be to make the first move and not just wait for the guy to do it. If you are not, it encourages you to clearly state you are not interested

9. Many women deal with men who say yes to any women but don’t love her and aren’t even attracted to her. It is up to each individual woman to decide whether she wants to ask someone out. With dating apps this can be done in a safer way than ever before. “Feminism” isn’t a hive-mind and means different things in different cultures so it can’t really encourage such a minor part of life.

   Pros:
   -Control of your dating life.
   -Filter out men better with dating apps.
   -More happy couples possibly.

   Cons:
   -People saying yes just to waste time because they don’t want to be alone or sex-less.
   -Sexist ideas being used to shame women who pursue and also shame men who were asked out.
   -People being annoyed that women they consider ugly dare to ask them ask.

10. Socially and professionally, women are often penalized for being assertive. If women are socialized to be passive in most contexts, why would they be comfortable being assertive in romantic contexts?

    I am curious to know if cultures where women are more likely to make the first move are more tolerable of assertive women in general.

    I would need more information before I could answer the question so that I could understand if my assumptions are correct. My gut instinct is that womens’ reticence to make the first move is symptomatic of a larger issue that is relevant to feminism. But I don’t necessarily think the position that women should ask men out is feminist.

11. I don’t think feminism should make any statement about dating. We have way bigger issues to work on.

12. I think feminism isn’t the same thing to or for everybody. You can be a traditionalist and a feminist. Feminism really is about equity in terms of having the same opportunity to do, achieve and be heard. It doesn’t mean you have to do everything that men do, in the same way.

13. I think you should do whatever you feel doing a prior. Rather do something a “rule” tells you to do. Imagine how happy people should be.

14. I just think it’s a weird thing to focus on in the grand scheme of things. We still live in a fairly misogynistic society where our bodily autonomy is not guaranteed, we’re not taken seriously intellectually, professionally, or medically, we’re often objectified which threatens our actual physical safety. But no, we should tell women to ask out men more because men don’t like carrying the burden of having to occasionally put yourself in a position where you may get rejected? Please. I think the drawback of this is that you’re losing sight on issues that should have a higher priority than “who should ask out who”.

15. Contrary to other opinions here, I think this is totally related to feminism.

    One thing feminism encourages broadly-speaking, is for women to learn to see themselves as subjects in their own lives, rather than objects. This means don’t spend more time thinking about how other people see you and how you can please them than you spend thinking about how you feel, what you want and how to get it. This includes with regards to sex and dating.

    Traditionally at least in American culture women have been fed a lot of advice about how women should wait for men to chase them, and that if he’s really attracted to you he’ll do it, etc. And then women wind up feeling like their primary strategy to try and secure a partner is just to try and be pretty and attractive, and make a choice out of whatever options she attracts through these more passive means. None of this really centers what it is the woman wants. If a woman knows what she wants in a partner, then scoping that out and making the first move will increase her chances of ultimately getting it. It’s basic math, since dating is such a numbers game.

16. Feminism is a movement based around gender equality and free choice for everyone regardless of gender. Therefore I don’t think it can be said to “encourage” either decision in cases like this, because if anything it just encourages women to make whichever choice feels good/right for them.

17. Like the others said, feminism is about empowerment and choice.

    I personally feel very conflicted about this because on one hand I like relationships to be according to my terms. I want to set a tone I like – I like being romantic, planning things for my partner, occasionally taking the lead, superising my partner. So to me, participating in the first move (or being direct) is a way to set the tone. But on the other hand, a lot of guys act or think they don’t need to try as hard which is a total turn off. So rn, I’m leaning more towards never making the first move again because I have yet to meet a man that matches my energy in personally consistency – and I’m assuming letting him make the move will make him more accountable. It’s honestly rediculus but just my two cents from experience.

18. Its got nothing to do with feminism and everything to do with sex. Women can do whatever they want. Some things they can do work better in certain situations than others.

    The average man is more sexually competitive (most days) than your average woman. Men will make the first move more often. SOME men SOME times will not value a woman that he has not tried to win. That said, SOME men are just uncomfortable asking a woman out in a given situation and SOME men may assume a woman is “taken” just because she looks good.

    Pick your strategy depending on the situation.

19. Because sometimes people are gay or bi and a woman making the first move is the only option?

20. I think it should encourage women to think for themselves and act accordingly. If they desire to ask someone out, they should feel empowered to do so. If they desire to be asked out they should feel empowered to stand by that desire. I don’t think either approach is any better or worse then the other.

21. I don’t know about feminism but women shouldn’t be encouraged to make the first move the way men do.

    Some men will fuck a woman they hate, some men will fake entire relationships to fuck a woman they don’t respect or even like. If women offer, men will take even if they like her or don’t like her.

    Women will rarely have sex with a man they hate, look down on, and don’t like.