My (F35) sister (33) frequently asks to borrow money from me. She and her husband makes about the same as my husband and me. It started last year when she asked for money for groceries. Each time she asks for money, she always pay me back on time. But not only is she starting to ask for money more frequently (It used to be 30-40 once every couple months, now it’s every other week), her husband is asking me for $20-30 for gas. Just recently, she paid me the 50 back, then asked for 40 the next day.
Would I be in the wrong to ask what they are doing with their money that they always need to borrow it? Should I just start telling them “no” and hope they eventually go somewhere else? Am I enabling them by giving them money? Maybe I’m thinking too hard into this.
Also, my husband and I keep our finances separate. His answer is a question “what do you really want to do?” Well shoot, idk?!
Help!
ETA: it seems a few of you are assuming. So let me clear this up. The first time she asked for money, she said it was for groceries. After that she just asked if I had $40-50. She’s my sister, so no big deal… at first. she also volunteered to pay me back. I never asked her to do so. The fact that she always does is amazing! Because of the terrible upbringing we all had, neither me nor any of my siblings drink, smoke cigarettes or do drugs. So I don’t think she is doing anything like that. It NEVER crossed my mind. I honestly just hope that my 40-50 isn’t her life or death, thin line between now and her next pay day. That’s why I keep lending her the money. But on the other hand, it is exhausting seeing her name pop up in my texts and seeing “sorry to ask again, but…” and “thank you! I will pay you back on *payday.” And if I don’t respond quickly enough, she will call back to back. Lord forbid I’m taking a nap, at work or in the shower. Her husband recently started asking me. I don’t feel as comfortable lending money to him, but I do because he obviously needs it, otherwise why would he ask, right? Like I said, I might be making a mountain out of a molehill.
Tl;dr: my sister and BIL constantly borrow money from me and I feel like I’m enabling their poor spending habits by lending them money.
14 comments
Just say no. And if your sister asks why, then you can inquire about the situation. For now, a simple “No I can’t” is good.
That’s really bizarre. I don’t think you’d be in the wrong to ask them why they need to borrow money like that when they pay you back quickly.
>Would I be in the wrong to ask what they are doing with their money that they always need to borrow it?
Absolutely – you have no right to stick your nose into their financial affairs this way.
But the only reason you’re considering sticking your nose there is that it takes less courage than the thing you know you should be doing: telling her that you no longer want to lend her money.
Well, what happens when a person repeatedly avoids doing the thing they know they need to do in order to make their lives easier *just for today*? They incur their own debt: whatever situation is causing your sister and her husband to need money, that situation continues. The toxic relationship where you are becoming their source of liquidity whilst that unknown thing happens – that continues, and the fallout will be all the larger when it all comes to light.
So my advice is this – stop avoiding the pain and tell your sister that you are no longer going to be lending her money, **then stop**.
If you don’t want to take that advice, then when it all comes to a head sometime later and some unpleasant thing happens to you and your sister, at-least have the courage to say “this is what I chose – this was the price I paid willingly to avoid a single uncomfortable conversation”.
You are not “giving” them money, as you said “she always pay me back on time”. That’s called a short-term loan, not “gifting”.
Sounds like they need a cushion and some self restraint. Cutting off that short-term loan option might help them to develop some better control.
If it were “me” and in consideration it’s *family*, I’d probably give them the next $50 they ask for and say “Keep it, you don’t need to pay it back next week…. but I can’t lend you any more money going forward.” That way, you can break the weekly borrow/payback cycle. Be ready to stand your ground in a week or two when they need another short term loan.
It would be unkind to ask.
It’s perfectly acceptable to say No. It’s just not working for you.
Don’t worry about if you’re enabling them or not. Just stand up for yourself. This constant short-term loaning is exhausting and uncomfortable. You don’t want to do it anymore.
If she wants to let you know what is going on, she can confide in your or not. But either way, you’re not a cheap pay-day loan officer, so quit that job.
Your husband asked a good question. What do you want to do? Do you want to deal with the discomfort of saying no? Do you want to continue to be their lender? You don’t get to choose the results or the consequences, just your actions.
You can start saying no. Don’t give excuses if you do, that just keeps the foot in the door. You can give them $40, tell them this one is a gift, but that you can’t lend going forward. Or you could just let this continue if you’re okay with subsidizing their cash flow, but you don’t get to ask questions.
You probably are enabling them. I’d personally do the one time gift for someone I otherwise get along well with. Tell them you don’t want them to worry about falling short trying to pay you back so they won’t get stuck short of money again. When they come back asking for more, stick to what you said. It will be uncomfortable but you’ll at least be able to fall back on having already helped. They’ll figure it out on their own after that.
This is a really weird situation.
I know my advice isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but next time she asks I would give her $20 and say it is a gift and that you’re uncomfortable with loaning anymore in the future. I KNOW you don’t owe her the money but she has come to expect to you use as a relief valve. Give her the 20 and say no more.
Or you can just say no too. This lightens the blow.
Time to tell her you can’t right now. And stop answering when her husband asks you for gas. Or you can just ask if there is something going on. If they refuse to say, don’t give anything else.
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> Would I be in the wrong to ask what they are doing with their money that they always need to borrow it?
Yes, you would be in the wrong to ask all of this… instead of just setting a boundary that you’re not lending them anymore money.
> Am I enabling them by giving them money?
Yes.
If it were my sister, I would ask her if everything is ok. It sounds like it’s unusual/somewhat new for her be borrowing money constantly and while it’s reassuring that they pay you back, now your BIL is asking too. I’d bring it up in a casual, not accusatory way and say you’re happy to help if they need it but these requests are becoming so frequent, is there something bigger going on that she wants to talk about?
Honestly, it’s good that your sister paid you back and everything. But it’s like it’s normal for her and her husband to ask money from you guys. If they are (for instance) having financial issues, I think they should tell you. Because you’re her sister AND like you said, you are not a ATM. As a family, friends, and strangers. There are things we do because we are “close” “family” “to help” but that’s a thing. Your sister has a husband. They are two people and I don’t know if both of them work or if one of them work. But the next time she ask or her husband, I think maybe saying “I don’t feel comfortable you frequently asking to borrow money. I know you pay me back. But you never tell me why you need these money (ex: financial issue, job loss) and I feel uncomfortable because I feel like a ATM when I’m your sister. If you just explain to me, maybe we can figure it out together?” Maybe say something like this???
I was looking at my text tread from one cousin…
All she asks is to borrow money. Not how I am, just to borrow money. I have done that once, it was a significant amount at the time for me, it took her a few more month to give it back then we agreed and now all I hear from her is can I lend her some more money… lien clockwork every few months
I’d just say that next time will be the final time.
I used to date a guy who was the same, it was always fairly small amounts to it was fine but I realised after a while that he just had really poor financial management skills. He spent money on useless things, and then borrowed money from both me and his friends, and needed to keep on borrowing money just to pay back other loans. I helped him clear his debts, but then he fell back into the habit again… and it was just a viscous circle.