Last night I brought up that I believe 5 years is more than enough time for dating, last year October was our 3rd year anniversary. We talk about getting married and starting a family all the time in great detail, (how many kids, discipline, finances, wedding colours, what season the wedding will be etc.). In addition, I have discontinued my birth control because we are planned to start a family soon. Even though we are both starting off in our careers, he has had 2 raises and is due for another one after he gets admitted this year and I’ll be due for a raise as well after I graduate this year as well. He also made partner at a Labour consultancy and mentioned that money wouldn’t be a problem soon.
I thought with all of the above 5 years was a reasonable timeline to set, but he reacted very unexpectedly. At first he said I didn’t have a right to give him a time limit to propose, this really took me back, but maybe I worded it the wrong way and hurt his feelings.. idk
I said I just thought it’s a reasonable timeline to set, just something to work towards together, as we had been talking so much about the future. He then said he could propose to me in two months but “ I wasn’t ready for marriage” and when I was ready, he would propose. This absolutely pissed me off because it didn’t make sense, I was ready to be the mother of his child but not his wife. I was livid, I asked him to explain what he meant by that and he said he was wasn’t serious about he said. I completely shut down and stopped talking for the rest of the time I was at his place.
On the drive back to my place I asked him why he could make a timeline for having a baby but not marriage. He had been the one to suggest we start a family soon and I had agreed because I wanted too as well. He said he still had to build a foundation first and he “wouldn’t feel right to go to my dad at this point” so he wasn’t ready, I said we could do that together, with two incomes, we won’t be in the same place we are now in two or three years. When I asked what is a reasonable timeline for him, he said he doesn’t know, he’s under a lot of pressure and he doesn’t need this in addition. I said again how there’s no way he can be ready to have a child if he can’t handle any additional pressure and we should start considering contraceptives in that case. He then said I can’t just be making those kinds of decisions, but he stands with what he said about not being ready and I can do “whatever I want with that info” (I assume he meant I could leave the relationship if I wanted)
It was heated conversation; I didn’t speak much because I was second guessing myself. Was I being unreasonable with that request, how can I covey that it wasn’t a demand, or is this something I should really worry about. It just doesn’t sit right with me that he wants to get me pregnant but isn’t even thinking about when he wants to marry me. I’m so confused.
Where do I go from here?
27 comments
WTF. Your father might not give his blessing to a marriage but would welcome him knocking up his daughter and potentially leaving her a single mother? Get back on the birth control and enjoy your mid 20s. You probably have no clue how your life changes with babies. Don’t become a parent until you are passed the rosy images you read in magazines. I have three grown kids who have done all right for themselves – and the scars and battles that go with all that. Glad I had the kids, and glad not until just before 30th birthday.
How is he gonna tell YOU that YOU’RE not ready for marriage (insulting) as if you can’t make your own decisions or know your own mind 🙄 and HE’s the one avoiding marriage? How is he gonna tell you when and when not to use contraceptives 🙄🙄 🚩
He can say “i want a baby within this time period” but you CAN’T say “i want to get married within this time period?” Hypocritical – 🚩
Proceed with caution OP – how is he ready for a CHILD but not a MARRIAGE?? 🚩
I’d think about an exit plan. You haven’t even graduated yet.
I think he wants kids to control you and them or for his ego or something.
Neither of you are ready for kids or marriage.
I’m for you getting back on birth control. Having a kid with someone ties you together for far longer than marriage has to. Personally I’d wait til after marriage for that in general. If he doesn’t even know when/if he wants to get married 3 years in while trying to get pregnant I’m not convinced he’ll ever want to marry you.
Get back on birth control. TODAY.
Step back from this relationship if you ever hope to be able to make decisions for yourself for the rest of your life. He’s told you you will have no autonomy with him.
You misspelled “ex-boyfriend”.
Get back on birth control yesterday. Do not make another big decision like that until you have another conversation. Maybe you’ve been talking about the future in detail but somehow the timeline for the future seemed to be skipped over. You want different things and the last thing you should do right now is get married or have a baby.
You both want to get married, sure. But this situation has shown you your values don’t align and that means you should both step back and reevaluate.
Please go back on birth control.
This man does not want to marry you. What you do with that information is up to you, but you shouldn’t have a baby together until you decide whether you’re okay with that. And remember, if you have a child with him, he’ll be a part of your life forever, whether or not you’re together.
Personally, I’d ditch him. “You’re not ready” my ass, you literally told him you were ready.
Get back on birth control now. Why would you have a baby with someone who doesn’t want to get married? He either doesn’t want to get married at all, or he doesn’t want to marry you, but is willing to have a baby with you. That makes no sense. You’ll forever be tied to each other unless he walks away.
Gotta tell ya, from this anecdote, it sure sounds like neither one of you are ready for kids OR marriage.
Having a baby is a lot more of a commitment than a marriage—for you at least. Maybe not for him if he wants to bail.
Don’t procreate with this guy. And seriously consider if he’s a good fit. You two don’t seem aligned or ready for marriage or kids at the moment.
He isn’t going to propose. He will keep making excuses until you leave. Reddit is full of “my partner won’t propose to me what should I do?” posts.
Go enjoy your life. You’re young. Maybe he will come around, maybe not. Either way, you don’t have to stay in any relationship you aren’t happy in.
Yeahhhhh don’t get pregnant until he explains properly what he means. This all sounds fishy
Hold the fuck up, he said YOU can’t make decisions on if you want a baby? He thinks he can decide when to get married? I mean…do you really want to marry a guy who believes his opinion matters on a higher level than yours?
Do NOT have a baby with this wishy washy tool. If marriage is too stressful for him then he can’t handle babies. Go back on contraception or leave.
Sigh that’s why people marry first and then have children. Marriage anymore isn’t a lifetime commitment, but children are. Once you have children with someone you will be attending birthday parties and weddings and other celebrations where the other parent is there even if you’ve grown to despise them.
It sounds like you guys don’t even live together so how do you know how to work together as parents together all the time?
And for another reality check – things don’t always go perfectly in a pregnancy. There can be pregnancy losses. There can be complications resulting in a disabled child. Your child can be born with a disabling condition or develop one. And if you aren’t in a stable relationship to handle those things it can be extremely stressful to handle as a single mother.
Finally pregnancy can end up with permanent changes to you. I was a professional woman who was married and gave birth at age 28. During the pregnancy I developed a condition that has continued to follow me the rest of my life and resulted in me being unable to work. I love my son and wouldn’t trade him for anything (he’s now an adult). But it also turned out he’s autistic.
Are you prepared to take on these challenges with potentially only your father’s help? I had benefits set up with my job at the time that has helped me to be able to survive. A lot of young people don’t think about disability insurance and such when they’re young. But if you’re deciding on kids, you have to.
I hope you listen to everyone who’s given you advice. Good luck.
ok first go back on your birth control. you should at least live together for a year or two, get a cat or a dog. learn how to budget and get use to each other then think about marriage and eventually children. it sounds like you are really living in a dream world and the reality of marriage and children is very different. he is being reasonable wanting to be established in a career and have a home together first.
He’s telling you you’re not ready for marriage?
You’re quite right that it’s not normal to want to get you pregnant but not marry you. If marriage is what you want, you need to hold out for it.
But his answers are all over the place, he’s not thinking anything through, just trying to get you to shut up about this subject he’s not interested in.
I’m pretty sure he’ll never be ready for marriage. At least not with you.
Dip. Utter paternalistic bullshit that he has the unilateral authority to determine if you’re ready to get married.
And please don’t get pregnant.
You haven’t even graduated and are already counting your raise that will come after that?? Girl get back on birth control and communicate with your partner about your goals/timelines. You might not even be compatible. Do not have a baby right now especially with someone who doesn’t seem sure about committing to you.
You’re planning to have kids and you’re not on birth control, but you don’t live together?
That’s my first issue.
*I have discontinued my birth control because we are planned to start a family soon*
*he said I didn’t have a right to give him a time limit to propose*
I would *run* – not walk – back to your ob/gyn and immediately start bc again. You are fine starting a family with someone who likely has no intention of marrying you? Or having a baby with someone who is probably thinking he can string you along, not marry you and not have to go through the divorce and ‘give you half of his earnings’ (which I’m willing to bet is exactly what his mindset is?
Nope. If you want to get married, you need to find someone else.
This is dumb. No ring. No baby. Foot down. Birth control activated.
You aren’t being unreasonable at all. This sounds like the exact the recipe for ending up in a situation where you still aren’t married even after the kids have grown up. I actually know a couple who now have grandkids while everyone and their dog knows that grandma wants a ring. I wouldn’t be surprised if it never comes. I even have a coworker in a 10 year relationship who constantly makes jokes about her boyfriend proposing but he wont even though they have two kids lol
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You are absolutely entitled to work with whatever timeline you want, he is free to be on a different page but he has to accept that you will walk. That’s not forcing him to do anything at all.
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Lastly, do NOT plan to have a child with him any time soon until this is worked out. I wouldn’t advise giving up your want to be married if you know deep down that is what you are after. be true to yourself – there is no shortage of men who also want marriage and you can find one
>In addition, I have discontinued my birth control because we are planned to start a family soon.
If you want to be married, doing this before you are married is stupid and is not going to get you what you want.
He’s leading you on. He won’t ever be ready. He’s wasting your reproductive years
So he wants you to be his baby mama and not his wife? Fuck that. Get back on birth control asap and rethink the future of this entire relationship.