I 25F have been best friends with my friend 25F since we were 12. We have been through literally everything together, including a lot of trauma on both ends. Last year, she got pregnant with her second child, but it’s her first with her long term boyfriend and she was super excited. I went with her to take the test. Unfortunately, at about 9 weeks the baby had no heartbeat and she was told she’d have to take pills to expel the baby from her since it wasn’t coming out on its own. When she told me the news we cried together and I told her to let me know what she needs and I’d be there. After that she was distant but I understood as she was going through something awful and was taking time with her family. I would text her periodically just to check in but would talk about random things not related to the miscarriage and she would give one word answers or not reply at all. Once she even said she’s been keeping to herself so I figured she needed space, especially since she never reached out and barely responded to me.
Now I’m being accused of being a bad friend because I didn’t show up at her house unannounced (something I’ve literally never done) like her other friend did and I should have known she needed me. I told her I thought I was giving her what she needed- space. Plus, I had a lot of my own issues and mental health battles going on (I did not mention this to her) so I did not have the capacity to be constantly reaching out, especially when it barely went answered. I learned later that she had to take 3 rounds of pills to get all of the remains out and had to go to the hospital because she almost went septic, all things she NEVER told me until now- almost an entire year later. We have the same therapist so we went to therapy to talk it out and I thought things were resolved but she’s been acting the same.
Any advice?
TLDR; my best friend went through a miscarriage and thinks I wasn’t there for her when I thought I was.
5 comments
This isn’t on you. It’s an awful situation but in the end, she’s not treating you well as a friend. You also can’t force her to change her mind if she’s committed to thinking you are a bad friend.
I’d probably leave the ball in her court but distance myself for now. Hopefully she comes to her sense but you can’t count on that. Sometimes people or situations change and there’s not much you can do about it.
It’s very possible that your friendship has been fairly co-dependent and enmeshed up to this point. I recommend looking up codependency if you don’t already know much about it. A lot of close friendships, especially ones that involved shared trauma, become this way.
She expected you to mind read and know what she wanted from you, without ever communicating it. That is not your fault. When you didn’t follow through with her silent requests, she felt hurt or rejected. Not your fault. Now she is trying to hurt you by keeping you out of the loop, hoping it will force you to make yourself close to her again. This is all classic codependent friendship stuff. Definitely give it a look and see if you think it fits the description of codependency. The solution is communication, honesty, boundaries, and self love.
Good luck ❤
I had this happen to me. My best friend was pregnant (her BD was in jail). For 7 months I was her pillow. I mean literally her pillow. From month 2 until she had a miscarriage at 7mths I would sleep at her house. She will lay on me and I would rub her belly until she fell asleep. She had to have an abortion. We cried together for a week. Then, I made a mistake. She trying to go to sleep one night, and I started to rub her belly. she completely lost it on me. Screaming, crying, hitting and calling me all kinds of names. I tried to apologize but she was not having it. She told me to leave, that she hated me. I was the blame for everything (She wanted an abortion, but I told her if she keeps it, I would be there for her). Kicked me out of the house. told me to lose her number, and to never come back.
I left and I gave her space. She did call out me, come see me or visit me at work. After 2 weeks I called. She heard my voice and hung up the phone. I called back, she picks up. Her first words were, “how dare you?” I asked what do you mean? She said I will not talk to you on the phone. I went over and she slapped me (not hard). She told; I knew better than to listen to her. I should have known that she did not mean what she was saying. That I have her friend long enough to know that she needed me. I disagreed, I knew her long enough to know that when she needed space and had to give it to her. I also acknowledge that maybe this was the one time I should have more the goal post and came back. Next, I did something that in today’s world, would be seen as wrong. I love bombed her. For the next week, she got all of my attention. She got her favorite food, flower, candy, cards and feet/back rubs.
We stayed friends until she passed away. So, tell your friend that you love her. Apologize for reading the situation wrong. Ask her what she needs from you and then do it. Send her some flowers and schedule a date night. Tell her that her friendship is extremely important to you and you will do whatever it takes to repair it.
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Sorry for any mistakes.
Look, first I’m so sorry for her, and for you too, dear. I hope you can feel better over your issues soon.
I usually don’t like being friends with people that behave like that, expecting I read their minds and do things that I’ve never done before (even after I did everything I could). Is not ok.
You guys really need to sit down and you need to tell her that acting like this won’t bring you closer, it will only make you further apart… If she *need something or you* she need to express it with her mouth (or fingers in case of a text message), and you’ll be there for her, no doubt.
Take care and seek this in therapy too. Sometimes in my sessions (I got to a psychoanalyst) I tell the doc my problem and while I’m talking and talking I figure things out. May work for you too!
Best of luck, dear
Were you supposed to have read her mind? Therapy didn’t fix things and this sounds very lopsided. One word answers are brush off answers. Everyone knows that. She’s not been a mutually equal friend this past year. To an extent its expected but this beyond fair.