I’m a 33M and my wife 33F. We’ve been together for almost 16 years (married only 4) and up until last summer, she has always (for the most part) has gotten along with my family. She might have had disagreements or different points of view on things, but never disrespectful.
Last summer, I was having issues with my parents and she got involved, which I think was a mistake but I saw her point, where she was trying to protect me as my spouse. The thing is that she got into a heated argument with my mom and with my dad, so now, 6 months later, even thought i’ve made amends with my parents, she does not like or wants to see them.
I completely understand and even though I’ve expressed that i’d love for her to get along with them, I will not force her to do so, and wait until she feels comfortable enough to re-build that bridge. I want to make sure she feels supported by me, while also keeping my relationship with my parents
Ever since that issue happened though, everything my parents do is seen by her as negative. Even if the things are not impacting us directly, she has now a bad perception of them and paints all their actions with a negative brush. She insults them and i’ve tried telling her many times in a nice & calm manner, that I understand she doesn’t like or wants to see them, but she can’t be throwing out insults either. There is a line that we shouldn’t cross when it comes to insulting our family members.
Today we got into a huge argument regarding my dad, I tried tell her we’d talk about it when later when she was calm and as I was walking away, she said a negative comment about my dad which triggered me… we got into it for a while and I ended up walking away… 30 mins later she said she wanted to talk but I didn’t know until we had already started talking that she just wanted to blow some more steam… it basically got to the point where she insulted my entire family, called them shit and glad she never has to see or talk to the again. I know it might sound like she was just angry, but she has made a lot of comments in the last 6 months that basically validate what she told me today.… it also got a little physical ( not by me) but she started swinging and cough me with a few scratches to the face and back of head. All I could to is hug her until she eventually calmed down enough for me to walk out of the the room.
I don’t know what to do because she doesn’t seem to care about there being a line between not having a relationship with my family and disrespecting or shitting on them at every opportunity. There have been a few other times in our 16 year relationship ship where she has disrespected my family (not directly, but through me) and I can’t seem to convince her that its not appropriate and that it hurts me when she does so… any thoughts comments or ideas would be very appreciative.
TL;DR: my wife disrespects my family, and I can’t seems to convince her that her unnecessary negative comments or offenses are affecting me and our relationship.
13 comments
This is not a “let’s talk about it” issue. You need to issue an imperative: “My family is off-topic. I will no longer tolerate you bad-mouthing them. Do you understand?”
If she answers anything other than, “Ok”, reply only with the same imperative until she understands and agrees.
So I’m going to assume you have good judgement and chose an emotionally intelligent stable woman and start there.
Who you didn’t choose is your family – so I’m going to assume there is a lot of dysfuntion there.
Now you didn’t give us context into the arguments and dysfunctions you have with your family so it’s hard to give accurate advice. Context and examples matter.
So based on the I’m going to assume you are doing an extremely poor job at setting boundaries with your parents. I say this becuase it’s almost always the case when an individual speaks as though maintaining a relationship with the parents is a solid given.
But it’s not, what matters is your wife and kids (if you have any). That is where your obligation is. That’s where yiur primary focus needs to be.
Your wife is likly fed up with your horrible inability to keep your parents behavior at bay. So you are failing based on the limited information I have. And now she is past her breaking point and hates your family. Irreparably so.
You have to choose.
>She insults them and i’ve tried telling her many times in a nice & calm manner, that I understand she doesn’t like or wants to see them, but she can’t be throwing out insults either.
Except she can and she is. The only thing you can control is your response to her and there’s still room for you to work on that based on the argument today that you shared.
Is counseling an option?
Ok there are two different issues here:
First, your partner became violent with you, and you don’t seem to think that’s a huge issue. Like that should be its own post here. It’s big. What did she say about it? Did she feel bad? Does this happen often???
Second, please consider couples counseling. She clearly isn’t hearing you. I think its VERY kind of you to recognize the difference between not liking your family and not actively disrespecting your family. I’d have a hard time with my partner having such a bad attitude, but it sounds like you’re willing to respect her opinions. She’s lucky to have you, and I think you need some professional support to help back you up. I also think you need some professional support so someone else can loudly tell your spouse to never lay a fucking hand on you again.
I don’t think she’s a bad person, but I do think she is behaving VERY badly, and needs a reality check. Being a partner sometimes means sucking it up and dealing with people in your partners world you don’t necessarily like. To be frank she needs to grow up. How she is acting is RIDICULOUS and unacceptable. Get some support. She needs to hear a professional agree with you, and you need a professional to help you set some boundaries.
If she won’t do couples counseling I’d seriously consider leaving this person. Honestly I’d leave the second someone put their hands on me, and so would a lot of other people. You’re already putting up with more than you should. Get some professional support.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Best of luck <3
If someone strikes you, call the cops.
She’s throwing hands. It’s over. Once that happens she can never be trusted again. If she’s willing to strike you, she’s willing to lie and say you struck her. There is no coming back from this. I would never be in the same room as her unsupervised ever again.
She is awful. Many of us don’t necessarily like our in-laws but we all have to eat the occasional shit sandwich for the sake of our partners and their relationship with their family. To completely cut contact, let alone spend a half year regularly bad mouthing them, they need to have committed an egregious and unforgivable offence. In all other disagreements forgiveness, understanding, and respect is a bare minimum requirement. This is your family, so you lead the way.
She is assaulting you on the regular, which is an unforgivable and egregious offence. You’ve been with this person so long that you can’t even recognize her abusive and controlling behaviors anymore.
You’ve been with her for a long time. Take a step back and think about how much time and energy you’ve spent placating your partner. How many times have you been treated poorly? How many sacrifices have you made in life just to mollify her behavior? Where has that gotten you?
It’s impacting your relationship with your family, who sound like decent people. I’m guessing that you’ve made sacrifices in every other aspect of your life too. What does your social life look like? How are your friendships? Has this shit impacted your occupational decisions? Has she dictated other where you live and how you live? Do you have hobbies?
The biggest question, what are YOU getting out of this? Are you happy? Is your life joyful? Does she bring enrichment and positivity to your daily life?
You’ve thought about her for 15 years. It’s time.for you to start worrying about you.
Violence is never ever acceptable. She gets help or you get to decide to stay or leave. That’s what I’d do.
The women hitting men in anger trope is domestic abuse. You shouldn’t have to hold her to keep your self safe. She could just bite you or use it as an excuse to turn the tables on you with the law, which abusive women love doing – hello Amber Heard. Plus I’m sure you simply don’t want to touch her in those moments and you shouldn’t have to. That’s probably why you’re not seeing it. It’s so normalized.
It’s possible that your wife is just a disrespectful person. People change, my dude.
It doesn’t matter what she does or doesn’t say about your parents, because her physical abuse is a relationship ender right there. Please consult with a domestic violence support hotline or organization and make a plan to leave her safely.
“it also got a little physical ( not by me) but she started swinging and cough me with a few scratches to the face and back of head.”
This is Domestic Violence. You should have called the police. I guarantee she would have if you would have scratched her face and back of her head.