My wife has always been chubby. I think she’s the most beautiful woman on the planet. Her body was always crazy attractive to me. With covid she gained some weight and she was finally fed up and started losing the weight.
She’s never been truly happy with her own body, so I’m happy that she’s found comfort in her own body now. She’s more confident in herself, not just her body, and that makes me absolutely elated for her.
But after she lost her covid weight, she lost more. And more. And now she’s officially thin and fit.
Objectively, she’s absolutely stunning. I’ve been doing nothing but supporting her journey and I’m happy how comfortable and happy she is. Her confidence is addicting. It’s great.
But I’ve been having trouble being attracted to her. I’ve never liked girls with her current body type. But she’s my wife, she’s beautiful no matter what. I’ve kept my mouth shut and remained positive and supportive. But the other day during sex, I couldn’t get it up. Again.
I miss her soft belly. I miss her thighs. I miss her hips. I miss how soft and sexy she was, I miss the curves, I miss her rounder face.
I don’t ever want to say anything like this to her. Like many women, she’s struggled with physical and body insecurity her whole life. I don’t want to contribute to that at all. But she’s no longer believing my lies when I say I’m tired, stressed from work, etc. are the reasons I can’t get it up. I’ve been struggling performing for PiV and have mostly been just giving her oral. I’ve never had any trouble getting it up before, and was high libido, so it’s noticeable.
I need to start being honest with her I think. But I also need to work on my own physical response and attraction to her. I love her. She’s the light of my life, an amazing partner, my person. As we’ve aged, nothing about her body changes have bothered me or lessened my attraction to her… except this. It makes me feel horrible. What can I do to make sure I communicate about this in a way that minimizes her hurt feelings and makes sure I put the blame on myself, and what can I do to “rewire” my brain and enjoy her body as much as she currently is?
27 comments
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I think you just need to be honest.
You love her, you fell in love with her all those years ago and now she’s a very different person.
You just may need time to adjust if she’s lost the weight quite rapidly.
But also, she could be doing this because she thinks you want this.
Are you both relatively healthy? Is it a gentle push to get you moving a little bit more too?
Just open conversations with I feel… and not blaming.
maybe you just need some time to get used to it. you could try new things in bed with her to create positive sensations around her new body. it sounds like you care about her so maybe give yourself some time to adjust. also, a lot about not being able to be aroused gets worse the more you think about it, try to relax.
if you do decide to tell her this she may be very very hurt but if she truly feels confident about her new physique and you communicate how much you still love and like her, i don’t think it’s a dealbreaker.
its rough. you cant control your attraction or preference. i get how you feel horrible but you shouldn’t be hard on yourself for that.
i dont know your wife. but id rather know whats up instead of letting my imagination run wild. clearly she would expect you to me more into her since she is more conforming to “beauty standards” now. and partly it is true, her confidence must be attractive as fuck. id be suspicius if i where to build up a great fit body and my S.O’s desire for me dropping.
i guess you need to keep a positive tone to that conversation. emphasize how much you love to se her happy and confident. how proud you are of her for taking action and pulling trough.
i am fairly sure you will grow to love her body, right now you might just be caught up in some sort grief and need to get used to it. i dont think me or anyone else needs to tell you to stay supportive of her. so i dont think you would suggest for her to regain weight. but it probaply would also be good for you to explicitly tell her that that is something you would not want from her ever(atleast i assume her happiness and comfort with her body is a priority to you) .
You have to be honest with her and say you’re more attracted to her old body and need time to adjust to the new her. I don’t think this will come as a shock to her. She probably has an inkling what is going on. Whether she wants to gain back some weight is entirely up to her. Don’t suggest anything.
I hope this isn’t a bad take. We’ll see. But my husband (now ex) had a conversation like this with me once. Like others have said, I would communicate how you feel in a soft, loving and gentle way. I’m happy she is healthy and fit, but that’s doesn’t always mean “thin”.
I’ve always had a pretty curvy/athletic body type teenager to adult. After I had babies I was pretty devastated about some body changes, stretch marks and loose skin. Also came with it was bigger boobs, wider hips, bigger ass. My ex-husband was thrilled and he was great always telling me how sexy I was when I was pregnant. When my son was 1 or 2 I was getting fed up with the extra weight and went pretty extreme with cardio and eating under 1,200 cals a day. I got down to 110 lbs which was less than I weighed in high school when I had muscle and was playing sports. My ex-husband just said gently, I miss your shape, you were soft and beautiful to me, you don’t need to keep trying to lose more weight. I didn’t take that in a bad way, it kind of stunned me bc the weight loss was partially for him and also bc I just thought “thinner was better”. I started weight lifting and not being quite so thin, having pizza and beer occasionally, no obsessing about my weight. My ex wasn’t encouraging me to gain weight but he did praise parts of my body and how I was gaining more confidence and seemed happier than in the thin struggle phase.
We eventually got divorced but the guy I dated next was very similar. We were a fit couple together but he encouraged me not to be hung up about weight and that me slowly gaining more curves was very attractive. Anyway. I’m very curvy now, still a little athletic, plenty of fat and muscle and I live a very unconcerned with my number on the scale as long as I’m mindful about eating healthy and being healthy.
This post is NOT to say your wife needs to gain weight or she didn’t do a tremendous job with her weight loss, bc she did!!! But I’d like to thank my exes for encouraging me and “giving me permission to be myself”. For having those convos with me. I had become a little too obsessed with being thin and they made me feel I was beautiful gaining some weight and eating a regular diet and settling into my natural body type (which is slim pear shaped with curves). That wearing a size 10 pair of jeans and feeling comfortable is much more life-giving than squeezing into a 0 (which I did at one point). I’m saying that that’s another good reason to share your thoughts, not only for honesty with her but also because it could be useful information for her. I’m also not saying to hope she gains weight back so you’ll be more attracted to her. The conversation would be about you and her and your relationship and communicating feelings – not to change her.
You seem like a very genuine and kind person and it sounds like you have a very loving relationship and can make it thru this. I know it’ll be hard to have the convo with her but speaking from a female’s perspective I know she’d really appreciate having the feedback. Nothing worse than to not know what your partner is thinking.
Edit: paragraph-style
I’m in the same boat. I have 3 kids with my wife. I found her thickness/tummy/thighs to be a super turn on. She always hated her “extra chunk” as she called it but it drove me nuts! Now that she has slimmed down I find myself wishing she hadn’t lost it. Its weird I always dated smaller girls when I was younger. But now that I’ve had what I had I want it back.
In my experience attraction follows affection. I wouldn’t be surprised if you grow attracted to her new form simply because you love her.
I have a similar situation but the reverse!! I lost a lot of weight and I feel like a jillion bucks. I have never been this physically fit. I am thinner than I was in high school and I am 55! Buuuuuttt-it turns out, that my husband who met and married me at my heaviest, was attracted to me most JUST like that!
While I was whittling away and thinking – he’s going to loooovvveee the new me-as much as I do- he did not. I eventually got down to 125 ( from 247) and I thought I was the absolute cat’s pajamas. Thigh gap, size 4, pointy chin and he was so upset because he could see my ribs and my hip bones were hurting him. I thought it was great that he could pick me up – and he did not. I loved having to get cosmetic filler to puff my cheeks up- botox to fill in my wrinkles. He felt he was seeing someone different than the chubby cutie pie he married. He missed the chick that loved eating cookies and trying new restaurants-and wasn’t all that keen on the woman that got up at 0600 to get in a quick 5k before the kids got up and made everyone try kale.
In retrospect- I get that. He never sabotaged me. Not once. We did have to talk it out. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t all into the lingerie fashion shows, now that I felt comfortable and was able to buy off the rack. I didn’t get why I would get home from the gym or a run- get out of the shower and want to f&@$ his socks off and he would be resistant. We had to talk it out. We found a balance. It turns out 145 is a comfortable weight for me to maintain after all. I did it for me. I am able to be more flexible with treats and snacks. I have stopped focusing on “look i am skinnnnyyy” because it’s been a while now and it’s settling in and our sex life is back and better than ever.
Hmm honesty is the best. And I suggest you both get some help let’s say from Sex and Relationship Coach. They can really help with thia kind of problems.
And I feel you. And it feels like this is a big change for both of you. And every change needs time and adaptation. With some help from a proffesional you can find new ways of attraction. 🤗
Our brain is used to be attracted to familiar things and shapes. And when a change comes, we have to build new attraction paths in our brain. 🤗
How old are you? As you age it takes more than just looking at a beautiful woman to get it up. It could also be your testosterone levels have dropped.
Here’s some context for what I’m about to say:
Before we divorced for other reasons, my ex-spouse transitioned genders from woman to non-binary trans-masculine. I’m bisexual, male, and so I can dig some masculine vibes. But I did not find them as attractive, and realized this when one day they modeled some old feminine lingerie before getting rid of it. For the first time in a long while I felt that stir of sexual desire. When I’d see photos of them pre-transition I’d think about what a hottie they were. I still had a desire to love their new transitioned body, but knew it would take work and falling in love with a totally new yet still the same person. That’s a weird feeling.
The point being I needed to grieve the loss of the person I’d married and desired before starting to desire the person they’d truly, authentically become.
In short, for you, don’t ignore the feelings of loss you have. It is very possible for the two of you to rebuild a healthy sex life and mutual desire for each other. But I believe you will struggle a lot if you don’t make room for grief.
It’s a major change. Different from a gender transition like my ex-spouse did. But still major. I’m sure she’s feeling all sorts of new things about her body. And then there’s everything you’re feeling.
Don’t sell short the fullness of what you both need to feel.
Therapy could probably help a lot.
I wish you both the best, that there is a lot of joy and desire and health ahead for you.
You have a type. You can love people that are not your type. Abosulty. But you can’t control physical attraction. You just cant. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not bad.
All you can tell her is that you love her, always have, always will, but her body when you met her was your type….
Get your testosterone levels checked out. A lot of what you are describing sounds like low T.
As for attraction… How does a blind man know his wife is beautiful? I’ve never seen your wife, but your words describe an absolutely beautiful woman. Get out of your own head, Brother!
My husband was genuinely *confused* the first time he felt my hip bones. We met and married when I was at my heaviest; losing weight was a miserable time for me because I was scared that he didn’t like my new shape. But then, what if he DID like it and what did that mean about the years of me being fat? Did he not like me then?
He caught me staring at a wedding picture and made the colossal mistake of saying “you don’t look like *that* anymore”. It may have been a completely neutral observation, but it has crawled up my spine and lodged in my brain. Either way I hear it as condemnation of either how I looked then or how I look now. He ignores my weight as a topic and never comments on how I look, so… being a ridiculous person I assume that he doesn’t actually like my body either way. There is no way for either of us to win in this and I have no words to talk about it with him.
What I wish he would do— **stop looking for what *isn’t* there and re-orient/ get to know what IS**. He goes right for the special bits; I assume this is because they didn’t change. It makes me feel like the rest of my body is undesirable. I wish he gave the same level of attention to the rest of me, because sometimes I now feel like that’s the only part of me that matters to him. It’s the safe zone.
Can you imagine a world in which you thought the only thing your wife liked about you was your cock? That the body attached was uninteresting? How would you want HER to show you that this was wrong? What could SHE do to show you how much she valued *all* of your body? Attraction follows affection. Touch the rest of her, as much as possible. Acclimate yourself to how she feels now, and not from a position of “it’s not right anymore”. What would it be like to explore this body now, if you had met her in it? She’s your person, and odds are great that would you have loved this shape because it’s *hers*. You probably would not have been like “Well, she’s awesome but too thin. Dealbreaker”.
You have so many good answers so don’t think I can contribute much. However, I’ve been experiencing something similar and might have some other perspective to share, or maybe reassurance as to why you are reacting this way.
I was with my EX for 16 years, she had curves and shapes so to speak. And after that I got together with another girl not to long after, she is petite and thin, less curves and such, but sexy in her own way. My brain was not wired for it though, I believe. Because I experienced what I would call ED almost for the first months, I struggled a bit to get aroused. Everything was so different and not like I was used to.
After 6 months with my new GF, I think I’m mostly rewired and things are working well on all fronts. But it took time and I believe the reason was something similar you are experiencing, nothing wrong about it, its just the way our brain works sometimes. Maybe underline that point when talking to your wife.
Best of luck 🙂
Hot shower lots of soap lots of contact. Fall in love with the person you were with again and as you experience closeness your body will adjust. You saw those thick thighs as your ticket to cum and now your lizard brain is like “this isn’t what makes me cum” but it’s just a trick of your brain. Keep at it. Lots of non sexual body contact.
This is a you problem not a her problem. I think you should keep your mouth shut and work on this on your own. Women have enough expectations placed on their bodies. The reality is that most women have trouble maintaining weight loss anyway, especially as we age, so you’ll likely get your way in the end.
I think everyone should be sensitive and kind to others, especially their partners, but I want and expect honesty from mine. If she’s losing interest or attraction to me because of physical changes that are within my control, I want to know. There can be a balance between how I want to look and how she prefers me. If it were up to me, I’d be one of those rock solid monsters you see on bodybuilding magazine covers, but she hates that look and points it out when I’m getting “too hard” and “gross looking” for her. So I work to stay as naturally buff and toned as I can without looking like I’m preparing for a competition. At the same time, I think it’s fair to me to point out when I’m losing attraction because she’s gaining or losing more weight than I’d prefer. I prefer balance and moderation- I don’t want a skinny girl, but I also don’t want an overweight one. There’s a healthy weight range in between the two, and that’s the range I find most attractive.
This isn’t really related, but I love how much you obviously love your wife. It truly brings me joy. ❤️
i think you should take Viagra (or a weed gummy works wonders) and get into it. imo it’ll come naturally with practice. right now you’re struggling to get it up because of anxiety. you are psyching yourself out. meditate, do yoga, let it go. I would NOT recommend telling her your feelings about her current body or changes… I think that could be very hurtful to her.
I wonder what would happen if you asked her if she’d like to get boudoir photos taken. Not only would it be a big ego boost for her, but you would get a collection of really sensual photos of her to help you rewire your brain.
You just gotta be honest. All these people suggesting you have low T is completely unhelpful advice in my opinion. I’ve always been into curvier girls too, and the one time I dated a super skinny girl I would have trouble finishing. Then the next girl I dated was curvier and we were making love 4 times per day lol. It just is what it is. Also rewiring your brain is extremely difficult and has a low probability of succeeding, especially if curviness has been a lifelong preference. Emphasize how much you love her no matter what, but also let her know why you think the ED has been happening. Who knows, she might be open or even relieved by the fact that she doesn’t have to workout constantly.
Attraction has a very potent physical component to it for a lot of men. Being honest about what’s going on is probably best regardless of the outcome. You could try and ignore it and try to rewire your attraction, but it will be an uphill battle that might take a toll on the relationship. Just be honest
Are you fit or not? Are you a little worried she might not see you the same way? Idk why, but I think there’s more to this story. I might be wrong, but who knows.
Sounds like she got healthy- good for her. ❤️
this makes me sad. my bf has seen me go through massive weight transformations over our 2 years of being together and i always wonder if he would go for me at my current weight. he met me when i was <100lbs, i got even smaller than that at one point, then shot up to 150 after AN recovery and now have settled at around 130. he tells me he finds me beautiful at all weights that i have been. he loves me for who i am. you need to remind yourself of why you love your wife. if her physical attributes are the top of that list, that’s an issue.
So, I have no idea about any of this, but I’ll take a swing. 😂
It seems to me, that when your partner lost a lot of weight, she became a whole new person. Not just in body, but in habit and probably personality. You now have different values from before, different habits in addition to her new body. It is possible that you aren’t compatible like you were and I think that’s OK. People can grow apart for any number of reasons, and it doesn’t mean you don’t still love each other.
If you want to try to make a sexual relationship again, it may be helpful to think of this in the terms above: a new person. Go on dates, spend time together like you did when you first met, take time to learn this new person you’ve know for so long. Rebuild those times when she made your heart race. And it might be helpful to put sex on the back burner again for a while, and take the time to get to build that passion again in new ways with this new person.
I could be way off base, but in stories I’ve heard from others who had significant weight-loss, they really do become a new person. Whether the weight loss is voluntary or not. So, look at them as a new person, too. It can be a chance to change things up, or reevaluate your compatibility.
I wish you both the best of luck and hope you can be happy again in whatever path is right.