I’ve been married for about a year now and I’m feeling a little stressed about… well life in general. I have always dealt with stress with masturbation (before I got married) now that I have the option for sex I obviously would much prefer it to masturbation however my wife does not have even half the sex drive I do. This leaves me with lots of days where I don’t feel my needs are not being met. I know she is not obligated to do anything ever, but I would have liked to have known before getting married that she was cool with twice a week. I was under the impression that we had similar enough sex drives, or at the very least she didn’t mind indulging, my sexual needs. But at this point I’m here trying to curve my appetite to make things easier for both of us. I love her more then anything or anyone. And I always will. She is my first everything and I’m very happy about it. However I do recognize that I came into this relationship naïve about people saying one thing and doing their best to live up to it but ultimately not being able to do it. I don’t really have a point with this here. I’m just getting out some of my thoughts. If the mods don’t take this post down I’ll probably post again. Thanks for reading
Ok, I have read ever comment, and I will say that I’m very grateful to all the people here who have help me see that my situation is not as bad as I thought it was. I feel like I know more of how to act going forward.
30 comments
You need to talk to your wife and let her know how you feel or have her read this.
Ok so I’m just gonna let you know, twice a week is pretty good.
At the same time, I totally understand that what is pretty good on average isn’t necessarily your ideal.
You are in a marriage now, so compromise is key. Item discourse and understanding
>I was under the impression that we had similar enough sex drives, or at the very least she didn’t mind indulging, my sexual needs.
What made you think that? Were you having sex before marriage and there was a drastic change after the wedding? Or did you just make an assumption?
This is not a jab at you at all, but since you said you used to deal with stress by masturbating, is it possible you are not making your wife feel loved or desired enough for sex? Because you are just wanting to have sex with her to relieve your own stress? That is kind of the vibe I’m getting here, that you’re upset she’s not fulfilling your need to reduce your stress. That wouldn’t put me in the mood either.
It is not your wife’s job to be your sex thing since you’ve conditioned your body to use masturbation as a coping mechanism. Learn to distinguish when you are genuinely desiring connection with your wife and when you are trying to cope with life and adjust accordingly. Your wife isn’t letting you down here over a problem you created.
Twice a week is quite good. You should use sex for intimate connection, not stress relief.
Just keep masturbating. There should be no expectation that a marriage will be so sexually fulfilling that it will render masturbation obsolete. Masturbation and sex should not be seen as mutually exclusive.
You had a way to deal with your own stress, and it worked. Just keep doing that. While it’s lame that your libidos aren’t in perfect alignment, there’s no reason to go creating a problem where none exists. All you have to do is alter your expectations.
What are you doing to create an environment where she wants to be open and vulnerable with you? For women, sex isn’t just bumping uglies.
First of all, masturbation is a great resource for remedying stress. It’s free, easy, endlessly renewable and doesn’t require anyone else’s input or consent. Partnered sex, on the other hand, *does* by definition require someone else’s input and consent, since it involves another body. So, partnered sex really can’t stand in for masturbation, even in a sexually exclusive relationship (exclusivity does not mean you can’t have sex with yourself, FYI). To expect it to is not fair to you or your partner. Masturbation needs to exist in a separate category from sex with your wife. I would start there, and *then* re-evaluate where your sex drives are in relation to each other.
I’m going to separate the two issues I see here, OP.
1) If you use masturbation and sexual release as a tool to relieve stress, I have to tell you that is *not* a good coping strategy. That is how many people who suffer from sex and/or porn addiction start out. It’s not that it’s wrong to masturbate, but to consciously use it as a stress relief is a slippery slope. You need to stop doing this and find other ways to deal with the stress of everyday life.
2) This is going to sound very crude, but your wife is not your fleshlight. She and the sex you have with her is not, isn’t supposed to be and shouldn’t be a substitution for masturbation. It’s not that sex with her always has to be super romantic with roses and unicorns and such, but sex with her needs to be about the both of you and your wants and needs. That’s simply not compatible with using sex as a stress relief. You need to learn to separate the two, and you probably also need to focus more on foreplay which starts way wayyyyyy sooner than when you begin touching her in her private areas.
I think it will be hard for you to truly assess your sex life until you start to separate sex from masturbation and masturbation from stress relief. Revisit the topic once you’ve worked on yourself on these areas.
Normal, go back to jerking it.
Your wife isn’t a replacement for your masturbation. Cmon dude
You need to find out what makes her happy, and then find out what gets her in the mood.
The goal of a sex life isn’t just appease yourself and your drive, think us, not I
Twice a week? Geez, I thought it was going to be a once a month kind of situation.
It is your responsibility to deal with your own stress when your wife’s vagina is not available. She is a separate, living, breathing person from you.
I’m sorry you are so wrong. My husband and I have very different sex drives. I could do it all day every day. My husband, on the other hand, has to be in the mood. I can get my own rocks off, and we spend a lot of time flirting with each other. There is never any pressure to perform. His sex drive it NOT why I married him.
You are either in your marriage for the wrong reasons or you have unreasonable expectations.
The more you push for it the more shes gonna pull away from it. You have to remember that just because you fancy it dont mean she does and if you having sex when shes dont fancy it its gonna take away her fancy it in the long run.
You should just take care of your self when you need it and enjoy your partner when she fancys it to.
They is a lot of over things that could be happening to like your mood when your not getting it. All of the extra things can be putting it off to.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone that just want to have sex for they stress
I would talk to her. if you was having more sex before and now it’s less then there could be a very simple reason . Life changes and so does people’s sex drives but sometimes it’s a simple thing like not feeling good enough or not having other needs met . A conversation about it would be a great start
My husband and I have been having difficulty with this for a long time. We’ve found that letting him help himself has been a relief for both of us. We are very open with each other about how we are feeling, and that’s been the biggest thing that’s helped us!
Learn her needs, and what she desires intimately. If you want sex more, but are only focused on the fact that your needs aren’t being met, then it’s a self defeating cycle. 2x a day isn’t a realistic amount of sex long term (for most people). So just focus on bettering yourself and focusing less on getting off, and more on giving your wife a reason to want intimacy more often.
Twice a week is very good. Don’t ruin it with pressure.
You are using her and her body. Stop it. Do not have sex with her if it’s just get rid of stress or you feel like you need to cum everyday. You have sex with your wife before you desire her and want to please her in an intimate moment. Not as a freaking masturbation replacement
It sounds like you are more focused on getting your sexual needs met than actually forming an intimate connection with your wife. Sex isn’t just a means to release. It’s about connection. I’m curious how the sex is with your wife. Do you engage in foreplay? Do you do little things throughout the day to turn her on? If you’re just trying to stick it in her because you’re feeling stressed, that may be a huge turnoff for her. It would be for me! I want to feel desired by my husband, not like my husband needs me to relieve his stress.
Twice a week and you’re stressed/complaining? Your expectations are too high dude. Readjust your entitlement complex, and choose to focus on gratitude. What if your wife got ill and couldn’t have sex at all? First world society makes us think we deserve everything and everything should be in its most perfect form. Life requires flexibility, you’re putting yourself in a pressure cooker for no reason, release the steam. If you’re horny and your wife doesn’t want to have sex, masturbate. Trust me, if you keep pushing her, she will HATE sex and you’ll be praying for that twice a week. Step back and look at your situation more clearly.
Being used as a sexual stress ball doesn’t feel nice to everyone. Some people want sex to be out of mutual desire for that person, not because you’re stressed and a body is better than your hand.
Twice a week is a very normal sex drive.
Twice a week for now, but expect that to slowly dwindle over time.
You shouldn’t require another person to have your needs met.
Requiring sex to have needs met isn’t healthy. You probably want to find other ways to manage stress.
The issue I see with this post is language. You say you deal with stress by getting in essence a sexual release. You want the release of sex, you don’t want your wife.
You aren’t saying that you lack intimacy with your wife or that you desire HER. You just want to get off to make yourself feel better.
Well I hate to tell you, no partner is going to be excited to jump into a bed with a partner who treats them like a cheap whore.
Some people get stressed and want sex. Some people get stressed and sex is the last thing they want. Seems like you need to talk to your wife about this.
Replace your current stress relief with a new exercise. It becomes an addiction. I do this. Become addicted to running or lifting weights. This will not relieve your sexual frustration. It will make it worse. Then replace PIV sex with your wife with cunnilingus. Take out all your frustration on her with your tongue like you have been starving for days. Let her tell you when she wants you inside her. It’s going to hurt for a few days, but she will start wanting you more often because she feels genuinely wanted and you will be hard as a rock. Delayed gratification leads to bigger rewards.
I’m going to reiterate what everyone else has already said because this is important. She is not your flesh light. She is your other half. Treat her that way. I’m not saying take bullshit like you are a slave. I’m saying when it comes to sex she is the most important person in your world. Act like it. You can get away with “expecting” certain things. You shared vows for that. You can’t “expect” her to be wet and ready when you are. Earn it. Pursue her.
‘ I dont feel like my needs are being met’
Get it, but look farther than the end of the pleasure tool & you will see the love of your life dealing with her own stuff, coping differently & probably finding your sex drive/coping strategy a total turn off.
Reconnect emotionally with her. Mentally take sex off the agenda. She will sense the shift/reduced pressure to ‘perform’.
Go back to masturbating for stress relief instead of viewing her as part of that tool & things will probably improve. (But not immediately… give it time).
You should realize your wife is not your masturbation tool, neither your stress relief tool.
My god, man- just quietly jerk it in the stall at work like a true gentleman.
The way you talk about sex and your needs… Its obvious why her sex drive is lower.