Update: Wow, I’m overwhelmed with your wholeheartedly responses. Thank you for answering my question with honesty and integrity. Please know that I read each and every of your comments and I’m trying to respond to all of them. I don’t know if I can keep up though, and this is me letting you know that I really appreciate you.
43 comments
lonelyness and mental health in general
Sometimes when you think you’re “giving signs” or “laying hints” they’re only obvious because you’re the one giving them out. You’re not seeing it through the lens of someone who (if wrong on what they’re picking up on) might experience backlash for an honest misinterpretation.
Sometimes we don’t want to be touched
Not wanting to be intimate doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive or I don’t want you anymore. It just means I’m not in the mood at that moment in time for whatever reasons I may have.
My professional circle is full of very educated and dominant women.
They frequently disregard my physical boundaries. Even if I express myself I am typically disregarded until I get upset.
Stop playing stupid ass games and just say what’s on your mind.
Most of us don’t actually like “hard to get.” Hard to get is hard to want. We really can’t read your signals most of the time. We can’t read minds. Just be more direct. But don’t treat us like we’re stupid.
Erection does not indicate horniness.
That men live in a world with way less emotional support than women. No, it’s not just a matter of ‘reaching out’, because men are also perceived as threats. Women tend to live in a world of supportive networks in a way that men simply don’t. It’s one of the bona fide privileges women get to experience that men don’t.
When attracted to a man, women have a tendency to want to drop hints or play hard to get or do basically anything that doesn’t require them to risk rejection.
Then they complain about how men won’t take the initiative.
But (1) the above is foreign to how most men communicate and (2) men aren’t risking rejection by showing interest in a woman; rather, they’re risking humiliation, a confrontation with multiple thirsty white knights and a possible encounter with law enforcement.
In today’s world, the onus is on women to take a more active hand in the dating world. Men simply have too much to lose. And, frankly, too little to gain.
I’m going to go a bit more light-hearted.
If you ask me if you “look fat in this,” my answer will always be no.
But seriously, don’t ask questions if you don’t want an honest answer. It puts us in a deeply uncomfortable position. I don’t want to lie. But I also don’t want to hurt you or step into a trap.
That we need a damn hug every once in a while.
We’re going to expect you to mean what you say and saying something because of how you are feeling in the moment will be applied down the line. For example, I got my now ex-wife flowers, they were the wrong kind, she wanted lilies. I got her tiger lilies, they were the wrong kind-she wanted star gazer lilies. I could never find them instock except every couple of years. She’d cry when her friends got flowers. Well, hon if you were happy with the first spring assortment I got you early on when I brimming with happiness and love and didn’t spend the next several years shitting on all my efforts you’d also be getting roses on Valentines Day. But you said not to buy you flowers if they weren’t stargazer lilies.
That we are never as complicated as you want us to be.
How long we go without a complement or physical touch. It reenforces the idea we are only worth what we can provide (same way women can feel their that their only worth is based on their appearance) It can be very hard and isolating.
Me wanting alone time has nothing to do with you. It’s me just wanting to watch a movie you don’t want to, do a hobby you don’t enjoy, or just hang with my own friends. Ain’t mad at you, not trying to cheat
When I tell you something personal or in confidence, I’m only telling *you*. Not your favorite coworker, not your best friend, not your mother. *You*.
Do not share personal details with others unless you know it’s okay to do so.
Wow, I’m overwhelmed with your wholeheartedly responses. Thank you for answering my question with honesty and integrity. Please know that I read each and every of your comments and I’m trying to respond to all of them. I don’t know if I can keep up though, and this is me letting you know that I really appreciate you.
That my need for physical and sexual affection in our relationship isn’t just because I’m shallow and horny. It makes me feel loved, wanted, cared for, connected, fulfilled. It’s been beaten into my head that I must be shallow, manipulative, addicted, etc. because of how much sex with my wife means to me and how much it bothers me to go without.
If a woman posts about being unsatisfied, most replies will be on her side, saying she deserves to have her needs met, the guy is a bum, and so on. If a guy says he is unsatisfied, the replies are still saying he’s a bum, his partner isn’t obligated to have sex (which of course is true), he’s the problem for this or that reason, and basically he just needs to grow up and get over it because he’s not entitled to sex.
I’ve tried many times in many ways to ask my wife for what I need. It has gotten better, but I still don’t think she gets it. She’s amazing and makes an effort to make me happy, but she still seems to think I’m just asking for sex because I’m horny. It’s so much deeper and more complicated than that. But it’s a waste of time trying to explain that. The more I try, the more I’m seen as just a depraved pervert who will say anything to get sex.
No, I’m not trying to guilt you into sex. I’m not pouting. I’m not manipulating. I’m trying to communicate my feelings without being dismissed like some horny frat boy. But because those feelings involve sex, I’m written off.
This has been said many times in this very post but it bares repeating: Don’t say things you don’t mean.
During a trip to a summer cottage, one female person in the group invited her female friend and friend’s boyfriend along to split the cost. When the group got there, she saw that there was only one bedroom for two, the rest were for 3+. She asked her female friend to share the room with her “because us girls need privacy” despite there being 5 girls on said trip. The friend accepted. After the trip, she complained to the group (sans the friend) that her friend should’ve declined and let her have that bedroom with her boyfriend (who was also on that trip and ended up sharing a room with a bunch of guys). She’s no longer our friend and that behaviour was one of the reasons.
Earlier this week, there was a post on r/tinder about a girl offering to pay her part on a first date, only to belittle her date afterwards because “I offered it as a test and you failed”.
“No means no” but there are still situations where “No” means “Yes but I don’t want people to think of me as promiscuous so you have to make me say yes”.
“I’m not mad” when you’re still mad, and if the guy is naive enough to fall for that, you’ll get mad for two different reasons.
These things aren’t only applicable to women. As a gay man, I’ve been on the unfortunate end of this more than once with my ex. However, statistically speaking, men are less likely to play mind games like this than women.
Men also need foreplay, you cant be mad or think I don’t like you because you pulled down my pants and I’m not immediate Rock hard. ( This has happened multiple times with multiple different people, I have zero problems getting an erection I just need like 1 min or two)
Not all men are clueless or have a blank mind. This is no offense to my male counterparts who always say “I’m not thinking about much” but as a guy who suffers from anxiety and has a wild imagination I can promise you that there are plenty of guys who are thinking and overthinking everything. This whole “Oh guys can’t process all these emotions like us women can” is utter BS, at least in my 31 years of living. Again no offense to my bros who have calm minds and might not be thinking much, I envy your minds in being able to sit still and not have your imagination go wild.
We absolutely hate passive-aggressive comments and questions. Just say what your thinking.
When we say we’re not thinking about anything more than likely we really aren’t or it’s so stupid we would rather not share.
It took years for me to get my wife to realize I have boundaries too. Some joke are hurtful, some comments destroy my confidence, and stop fucking pinching my nipples randomly throughout the day and laughing. That shit isn’t funny.
Edit: This got kinda popular. Thanks for the award. Glad to see I’m not the only one and hopefully there are some significant others out there paying attention.
As I’m reading these it has become obvious to me that men, like women, aren’t all the same. I read some of these and think it’s spot on, others I think, not at all.
I’m actually pretty shallow. I don’t have a lot of feelings I need to or want to talk about. My wife thinks that’s because I’m carrying a lot of deeply repressed hurt. I think I just don’t carry anything painful with me.
We all know women can be vastly different. Is it more common to think of men as largely the same?
Pretty interesting read anyway
We can, and will, and want, to do absolutely nothing for periods at a time. We’re not upset, you did nothing wrong, we just gotta put our brain on airplane mode sometimes
I can’t speak for all men, but we tend to say what we mean, unless we are trying to keep the peace.
I include that last bit because we are conditioned to be resilient and tough, so this invariably leads to us minimizing our expectations, or weighing our discomfort less than yours.
For example, if we’re deciding what to do over the weekend, I’d be happy to sleep in, go for breakfast, then watch a movie. But if she says “this weekend, I’d like to get up early, go for a sunrise hike and do a picnic in the woods.” I will probably say “yeah, that sounds great, let’s do that.” rather than propose my plan I would prefer, since she wants to be active and I want to be lazy, and I want to avoid guilting or swaying her into doing my thing instead of hers.
Some men need to feel an emotional connection before becoming intimate too.
There are so many things that we do not care about. When we say we don’t care if the hand towels are blue or gray we’re not going to come back later and say, “Boy I really wish we would have gotten the other color.”
When we say we don’t have an opinion, you have carte blanche to do as you wish, please don’t keep asking.
Honestly, Men can be self-conscious about their body just like woman can be.
We want a lot of the same things you do in a relationship. Equal effort should be made in both directions.
I want someone to buy me dinner, I’d like random small gifts like chocolates or a sweetly written card here and there to make me feel special. Hell. Buy me some flowers, I’d appreciate the shit out of that gesture from a partner.
Almost all the things that make you feel special makes us feel special too.
That playing video games is a legitimate hobby/past-time. It pisses me off how many times I’ve heard women say that “a man playing video games is a turn off”
Well fine then get turned off. I turned off the TV years ago and my only at-home hobby or past-time is playing video games. Video games are an interactive form of entertainment while TV is passive. I can’t just sit there and watch something, I need something to do and I’m not particularly handy so I play games.
I don’t think most women (or men for that matter) appreciate how touch-starved the vast majority of men are.
I’m a hugger — and I don’t shy away from a giant bearhug style embrace. You wouldn’t believe the number of men who’ve broken down sobbing with relief after just 3 seconds of being held.
Dudes, hug your dudes!
That we tell them things because we trust them, not so that they can share it with all their friends or weaponize it against us when we upset them. Or at least understand why we’d be upset when that is done to us. Also that this betrayal of trust is why we shut down emotionally.
Stop adding words or meanings to what I said. I said what I said and if I meant something else, I would have said that instead.
I have a major problem with the women in my life informing me of how I feel. Then not listening to/ignoring me when I tell them how I am actually feeling.
– yes most men are massively lacking physical contact.
– no playing hard to get is not fun. play stupid games in dating, win stupid prizes. you’ll end up with someone else who likes to play games and generally theyre not pleasent people.
– yes you do look good in that outfit, however i’d think you look good wearing a bin bag so im just saying that.
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(and yes I do want you to really **sit** on my face, no hovering in this hosue!)
I’ve recently gotten into dating again, and im dating girls my age or a couple years older, and OH MY GOD THE HONESTY AND NO GAMES its fucking amazing!
A girl straight up said “hi, for our next date I think you should come over and we should have sex, I’d really like that” and im just like, wow, confidence, certainty, communication with no guesses or anything…IT WAS SO HOT AND IT SET THE BAR SO HIGH COMPARED TO MY MID TWENTIES!
So basically; get to the point, be upfront, deliver the point confidently, and stay true to your position if a dude doesnt respond kindly to any thing proposed
OP is giving out free therapy in the form of this thread
Most of us are solution oriented and when women vent to us, we give them answers when all they want is an ear to listen to them. I have learned to ask what they are looking for. Do you want to vent or are you looking for advice.
I wish women would understand that we actually mean what we say. There’s no 2nd or 3rd layer. When we say something, that’s it.
I only ever hear the phrase “so what you’re saying is…” from women.
When I talk to other men, we just understand each other.
Appearances arent everything, youd think this one would be universal already… I’m a big intimidating looking guy, i’ve been told countless times i just look scary, look mean, im creepy because i dont speak often. That shit will ruin my week, how am i supposed to look non threatening? carry a basket of kittens around?