My boyfriend (33m) and I(30f) are best friends. We pretty much love everything that the other does and spend a lot of time doing our hobbies together. When we are out doing stuff together I’m super happy and love being with him.
However, we’ve been together for almost 3 years and my boyfriend doesn’t have a very good work ethic. For example, today he took a half day because he “didn’t sleep well last night” and he’s currently in the bedroom watching TV/napping. Meanwhile I’m working from home just kind of seething inside. He only makes like $17 an hour and took an entire day off last week to work on his car when he should have just done it over the weekend. He told me he’d make up the hours this week but I am so turned off by his work ethic it makes me resent him. I would never just come home because I’m tired. Especially if I’m struggling with money! I make over double what he does but I’m starting to think it’s because of my work ethic over the years. I have learned and grown in my career and he hasn’t done anything. He keeps saying he’ll change and we’ve had serious conversations about it but I can’t help but feel disappointed over and over when he does stuff like this.
Tldr; Am I just happy when we are doing things because I’m out doing things and not necessarily because I’m out doing things /with him/? Do I just need friends to replace him and get someone who has a better work ethic?
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And then the weekend gets here and we go do something together and it makes me want to stay with him. It’s a vicious cycle that’s stressing me out so bad 😞
He’s not going to change. You discussed it multiple times, and he hasn’t changed, and it doesn’t even sound like he has given you a sensible plan for how he intends to make the changes. So, this is who he is. Compatible values is part of what one looks for in a partner. So, you need to decide if you two are compatible. And given that you are seething and losing respect for him, I’m strongly thinking that answer is no.
Be direct and tell him his actions are making you resent him. Letting that build up will just kill the relationship slowly. Write out your feelings and set some time aside so you can have a sit down talk and lay them out for him clearly. Focusing on sharing how you feel and that you want to work with him to improve this dynamic. If he gets defensive or dismissive and doesn’t respond to the talk, I’d reconsider this relationship where you feel more like a parent than a partner, as that won’t last.
Its not going to change and also, you’re not necessarily morally better because you work more hours (or overwork yourself…). He prioritizes free time over money. That’s simply it, his priorities are different and that’s fine. Its not some defect that he has to fix (he is not some unemployed bum leech after all) It might make you incompatible! If you want a partner that matches you in income, if you see a “power couple” future, then he’s not it. If you see a future where you work and he’s a stay at home dad…. Idk he might be great. Don’t treat him like he’s some horrible guy for not playing the rat race/grind game though.
Your issues with his work ethic is turning into resentment and you’re already considering breaking up, so it’s important that you address this now before it turns into full-blown contempt. You need to convey the seriousness of this situation to him. Money is an issue for you but not to him. Having shared goals is important to any lasting relationship but you obviously both have different goals and sadly you are finding this out the hard way by financially floating a guy who’s not matching you work ethic.
If you wish to salvage this relationship, I would start with hard boundaries. Some people have a tendency to take when anything is being given. They don’t care about the context. This isn’t necessarily a judgement on their character, it’s human nature to do the easiest things. Willingly doing something difficult takes physical and mental effort. So if he isn’t dealing with some underlying issue and he has always been this way then you will need to be patient, OP, it may take longer than you prefer.
Firstly, you need to stop giving. For instance, if you guys want to go to a concert and tickets cost $300 each but he can only afford $150, don’t cover his shortcoming. Let him know that if he values spending time doing these types of activities with you, he will need to pay his fair share from now on. Same goes for things like eating out, gas, rent, groceries, etc. I agree that you should open up your social circle and do these activities with friends in the meantime. Try to set him up for success, though. Plan things in advance so that he is aware that he needs to not ditch work so he can afford that concert ticket. Try your best to limit spontaneous expenses for him. See if he can live up to it. Since this isn’t the first time you discussed it with him, tracking his progress is important. He’s not going to become a hard-working, success-driven, go-getter overnight but there should be noticeable improvements. If he continues falling short or instead just opts-out of doing things with you that cost money then moving on to a more compatible person may be best.
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