Husband asking to be loved

37 comments

1. Please pardon my grammatical errors. I am not in the right frame of mind.

2. I’m happy you’re in a better place. You’re absolutely valid in your feelings. He didn’t put in the love. Now that he lost yours, he wants it back.

3. You should say the same thing back. “I just don’t care” because you don’t. You moved on already and he knows that. Now he’s panicking

4. Through his own selfish actions you outgrew him. Too bad for him.

5. Does he understand how he has killed your love by his actions over the years? One thing to ask but how has his actions changed in anyway to demonstrate his love for you? This could be the start or the end. If your love has truly died it might be healthiest to end it for all involved.

6. Looks like you have 2 options.

   1- don’t love him like he is asking. Like you once wanted him to love you. He will probably travel the same path as you and lose love for you. Then both spouses are checked out and either have a loveless marriage or get divorced.

   2- decide to love him like you wanted. This is your chance to have the marriage you wanted in the beginning. Learn to love him again and teach him how to love you like you need.

7. A marriage is not supposed to keep count of wrongs and forgive unconditionally. You should give him love not because he deserves it but because he is your husband and it is right for your marriage. If you are unwilling to do that, then you should divorce.

8. Just tell himm exactly what hes told you over the past years. Tf he expects for u to be available all your life for his demands. Just say u need your space cause u need to be able to breathe. And use the words i dont care too. Sorry but thats how some men understand their fucking mistakes . Cause they always just be selfish bastards. And when you are ready either to give him another chance or leave. Make sure u set high ass expectations on what you need . And if he doesn’t meet them good bye .

9. Is he starting to be affectionate towards you now? As women I feel like we are natural lovers we want to be loved and give love but if it’s not being given to you it gets harder to give. Have a deep conversation with him about how he’s made you feel and what you expect if things are to go forward and he suddenly wants to be loved. You set the rules for what you want now it’s in your hands. If you want revive the love between you then tell him he has to put in the work too if he wants you to make him feel loved. Tell him you want romantic gestures even if it’s just the way he looks at you or speaks to you those things make a huge difference to us women. Think about what you expected your relationship with your husband to be and communicate that to him and make it clear if there’s no effort on his end then you are content with how you learned to live without him. Inshallah Allah sets the passion for you in his heart and that this means that he will do what it takes to earn your love again.

10. Learn to say to him: “I don’t *care!*”

11. Better late than never. You might be able to have what you’ve always wanted. Or, you can “prove your point,” or get some revenge, and you both lose.

12. He only wants what he can’t have. He’s not really interested, it’s just another game.

13. I can totally empathize. But don’t deprive yourself of something you’ve longed for out of bitterness. People grow. Maybe he has.

14. Question, how long was your husband acting like this?

15. He didn’t put in the effort while you were still interested in the relationship. Now that you are happy with your life and no longer looking to him for your happiness, he realizes he lost you.

    He is now chasing you, wanting to “save” the marriage.

    This is a typical pattern in the relationship dynamic you have.

    It WILL NOT CHANGE. You’ve even said yourself in other comments that his behavior hasn’t changed. Only him saying he wants love is different.

    Keep on your path of self-love and self-respect. You deserve so much better.

16. He had so many opportunities to cultivate this marriage and he shrugged it off.

    Now he wants it?! Bye ✌️

    I’m glad you have found your happy place 😊

17. Have you told him this? Tell him your feelings and why. Then you guys need to decide what to do. My marriage has been toxic, I have been abused in multiple ways since the beginning, I cheated and the abuse got worse until he decided to stop punishing me and then he wanted the marriage to be passionate and loving. When I told him we needed to address his abuse he kept throwing my infidelity in my face along with continuing to berate and belittle me. After a few years he finally decided to listen, but that passionate love is gone. I have no desire to work on anything, he’s been to therapy the past few years and is doing better but I don’t care. I love him and always will but it’s not that passionate love. I told him this and that I have no desire to go to counseling. It was his abuse and refusal to take accountability of all of his actions, meanwhile he had no problem pointing out all of my faults and screw ups the entire marriage with no time for me to discuss anything. We get along and are still together but I made no guarantees that I will stay with him. I have a lot of trauma that I need to work through and he’s only recently been willing to do so. I have told him all of this and he is sad and upset but understands.
    You need to tell your husband your feelings and why. Give him some boundaries and ultimatums because you can’t just give and give with nothing in return, you need and deserve better.

18. I love this for you and am doing the same. I’m going back to school and separating from my husband. No kids luckily. But people like you give me hope❤️ been married almost 3 years been together for 4.

19. Show him this post. Writing it down helps us decide how we really feel and gives others a glimpse of those feelings.

20. It sounds like you both need to go to counseling. It is my belief that we do create our own feelings from love to happiness, anger to sadness. That leaves the control within us. So you finding your happiness didn’t mean you had to stop loving him, same with him he needing to feel loved he can also find within him. But it does sound like there is a family dynamic going on here that needs to be looked at in a deeper manner. If you are both wanting this marriage to work and be a good example for your children I would seek a counselor that has “coaching “ on their resume. Not all counselors are equal so if the first one doesn’t seem like a good fit, that doesn’t mean counseling doesn’t work, it means you aren’t a good fit. Coaching is awesome. It has changed my life and perspective on life. Best of luck to you.

21. The same thing happened with my bf and I, so I pushed him away and started my own business, and now I have no time for him

22. I would just tell him what you wrote here. He TOLD you to leave him alone and find your love elsewhere – so you did. Now he doesn’t like that either. Too bad for him! You gave him EXACTLY what he asked for. He doesn’t get to be mad about that.

    You went out and built your life without him – just like he told you too. Keep it that way. If you want, he can ‘earn’ his way back into your life. Show you the love you asked for years ago and he denied. If you aren’t interested in that, then it is what it is. He can either stay or go, his choice.

    He can start to ‘date’ you again. Show you that he is actually interested in you, interested in the life you built. He needs to do the work or just leave him behind.

23. Take him to marriage counseling bc that’s not fair of him to ask

24. You need to be 100% honest with him. He needs to understand that you’ve come to feel this way because of the things he did. Put all of your cards on the table. If you no longer love him, there’s no need for you to continue being married to him. Move on. I really think that you already know what to do.

25. He needs to take responsibility for his previous behavior. He can’t demand affection on demand when he has actively hurt, degraded, and disrespected you. If he refuses to hold himself accountable, the relationship is already dead. That isn’t your responsibility or your problem. If he DOES take responsibility and attempts to make amends, the feelings will likely return naturally.

26. Send him this post or just the actual words in the post and not the actual reddit link itself.

    And have an open answer honest conversation and be like “Now that you know all this how can I be sure you won’t just essentially abandon me emotionally again and say ‘I don’t care’ too much? I have already checked out of the relationship due to your emotional negligence. Why should I make myself vulnerable only to be pushed aside again? I’ve already went through that and started recovering and now you want to work on things. I’m willing to work on it, but you have to know how hurtful you’ve been and that I’m again going to open myself up and be vulnerable with you again so if you squander that AGAIN then we can’t work out.”

27. Get divorced, I don’t know why you had 2 kids with someone who made it clear they don’t love you, but it’s not too late to get divorced.

    Also I can’t help but think that his renewed interest in you is because he lost his affair partner, so he’s looking to his wife to fill the void.

28. Gosh. I wonder what a therapist would say about this situation.

    Or is going to a therapist so 2022?

29. I would want to know what has changed. Why did a switch flip and he now loves you??

    And WHEN will the Switch flip back off?

    Some people only love you when you have given up and walked away. They love what they can’t have. It isn’t a love for you, it is a love of what you represent.

    I have had relationships where they shut me out and sort of walked away. But then they call me back a couple of weeks later all apologetic and wanting to get back together. They finally realozed what they had.

    BUT I could never trust them again.

    I moved on.

    I now have the love of a better good man. I trust him.

    If you walk away you will find love with a better quality of person.

    It isn’t your job to help him out after he was a mean and shitty partner for YEARS. He knew what he was doing.

    It is easy to be kind. He CHOSE to be deliberately malicious.

30. Choose to love each other and have a date night

31. Remind him that his happiness is in his hands

32. First off, good for you for growing and bettering yourself. Keep pursuing growth and fulfillment because ultimately, if your marriage lasts that will help to elevate it. Otherwise, you can find that with someone else who meets you where you are at (or not, clearly you have found ways to be fulfilled on your own). Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you need to be able to live with the person you are. That also I think applies to how to handle what comes next:

    1) you should decide if you want to save this relationship and if not, don’t waste his time or yours and be up front that his lack of love, effort, and attention are largely responsible for this, so if he wants the take part of the relationship he needs to show up for the give part as well.
    2) You sound like someone who would want to at least try (no judgment if you don’t) so counseling is good and may help you communicate what you need. Do not invest back into the relationship if he’s made it clear that he has no intentional to put in a reciprocal effort.
    3) he needs to step up and show that he wants to be invested in the relationship, not just whine to you to put the effort in. He has left the relationship untended and now he’s asking for it to yield what it doesn’t have to give.

    Whatever you do, I wish you well and hope you find happiness.

33. Why is it always so one-sided in such stories 😂
    It’s always angelic OP, and absolute evil husband/wife

34. Sounds as if marriage counseling is in order.. if he’s serious about wanting love he has to do the work to show you the love you need…

    He can’t have things his way all the time.. no one can keep love alive when keep getting turned away.. you did what he said and found your happiness elsewhere..

    I think you can find your love for him again but he has to be willing to meet you half way… marriage is give and take.. he can’t be one to take all the time…

35. Uhm based on your responses, ma’am this marriage is over. He’s not changing. Maybe losing you will shake him maybe not 🤷🏽‍♂️
    But doing it for the kids isn’t ideal either because you’re showing the kids what’s acceptable and it’s a toxic situation and your kids will tell you when you’re older “you guys should have divorced”.

    Sorry 🫂🫂🫂🫂

36. You are dealing with what I call the Male Stupid Gene… only thing I will say is this.. Love is NOT a feeling.. The feeling is dopamine… Love is a decision we make each and everyday. Dopamine decreases over time but decision is remade each and every time you decide to give grace, mercy and your emotional safety to another person. I am going through this with my wife but I will say opioids were in play for me due to a massive car accident. Im choosing to live in pain now due to the fact I value my wife more than I value living with less physical pain because the opioids kept me in a perpetual zombie state for 10 years….. I own this.. and I know Ive hurt my wife with my zombie state.. Im working to be a better me (losing weight, walking, dealing with pain(6 to 7 out of 10 most days 24/7/365 because I choose her!.. I dont know if you are a believer but I will be throwing a prayer up that all things go to glorify God and that God soften both of your hearts to one another so as to be a family for your kids and for him…. God Bless!!!!

37. There’s a good chance he’s paying attention now that you have gained independence. If the love was never there, why waste your time. Be happy for you and your kids.