Hey All, posting on a throwaway… longtime lurker and occasional commenter here. I’ve (M) got a bit of a situation and I’m looking for some insight. I recently started seeing someone after taking a break from dating seriously due to a huge heartbreak and headache that resulted in necessary healing and processing. About a month ago, I met someone (F) at a party that I exchanged numbers with kept pretty constant communication with which at first was quite casual and then became quite flirtatious until ultimately it became a bit more than that leading to an incredibly delightful date. I’ve done a lot of dating and been in a few relationships so I tend to reserve judgement until I feel like I really know a person as things can always go wrong (people get cold feet, something comes up, emotional unavailability, etc.) To my surprise, in the many dates after our first things have continued to get better and better. She’s exactly my type, laughs at my jokes (no matter how dumb), is in a similar field but not too close for it to be weird at all, likes to spend time outside of work doing the same things I do, and ALMOST beat me at Mario Kart (and it was HER N64 we played on as mine is in storage). Weirdly, I don’t think I could have asked for anything better, at least not at a moment better than now because I’ve done my healing and while I wasn’t searching it feels like I found something special.
Flash forward to this weekend and after falling asleep to A Clockwork Orange and grabbing gelato the following morning, we started talking about children (We’re in our 30’s). I mentioned how important a family is to me, and she mentioned she’s open to it but it’s not a priority at the moment, which is totally fair. When I inquired more, she mentioned that she’s incapable of having kids. I thanked her for letting me know and she told me about her apprehensive she was to tell me but that she wanted to be honest pretty early on. I’ve been interested in a family all my life and have considered adoption in addition to having biological children and even surrogacy but not under the circumstances of not being able to bear biological children; so I guess my question is for people who’ve been in a similar situation… what should I do? I feel like it’s valid for me to at least be contemplative about what a future would look like using other avenues but I don’t think it’s fair to just up and call it quits; though it might be better for her to be with someone who equally is disinterested in kids to alleviate any stress from her perspective. I don’t know (which is why I’m here). I’m trying to be as fair as possible but also as honest as possible so other perspectives might be helpful. Any insight would be appreciated.
TLDR: Amazing woman I’ve met recently checks just about every box except one big enough to give me slight pause (can’t have kids). What now?
3 comments
Is that like the Spanish Inquisition or…?
To address your question, you said you’ve never considered the possibility of not having biological children, so take a moment to genuinely consider it.
>but I don’t think it’s fair to just up and call it quits
What would be unfair is continuing the relationship and using her as a placeholder until you find someone equally “perfect” for you who can have kids.
Preferences regarding children are not something you can compromise on, so if you come to the conclusion that you want bio kids, then, yes, you will have to end the relationship.
Figure out if you have the financial ability to hire a surrogate (plan on @ $50,000, minimum, depending on your area of the country, which I’m assuming is in the US). If you can’t come out of pocket for that expense, and having bio kids has been an important part of your future for as long as you can remember, end things now. You aren’t being fair to her or yourself if you know the degree of importance that you attach to bio kids and you continue a relationship with someone who can’t have them.
Well as a man……..whom women have conspired by the way, to make certain that I don’t have any children……..I will say this………. take your time. And let your subconscious mind figure out, what it is you want to do. Now if you told, you subconscious mind, that you want to have children, then your subconscious, will provide that for you. It might not be in the way that you want it, but at least you will have what you want.