Hi everyone,
I’m coming to Reddit because I’m in this predicament and I don’t have anyone to talk about it with.
I’m sorry if this is a little long, but I think the details are necessary to understand where my suspicion comes from.
I’m 26 and my husband is 28, we have been together for 7 years and married for about 3 months.
I suspect he’s cheating, I’ve confronted him about it and he denies it.
For context, we both manage a family restaurant together, we are not the owners but we help manage it.
There’s this girl that works with us, (let’s call her Kelly) and for the past 4-5 months I’ve noticed my husband and Kelly getting a little too close to my comfort.
I’m not the jealous type at all, I’ve never been, but a woman ALWAYS Knows.
Kelly (20 I think) is a quiet, shy girl, the kind to never start up a conversation herself, but nice and pleasant to talk to once you get a conversation going.
My first red flag was in our Christmas party this past December, everyone was encouraged to bring their families to the Christmas party. In regular, co-worker chatter, I asked kelly who she was bringing, since she has no family in our city, and she said no one, that she didn’t want to bring her boyfriend, which I found odd, but didn’t think more of it.
The day of the party she ended up showing up with her boyfriend, and everything went on normal. On our way home however, my husband made a comment, out of nowhere about Kelly’s boyfriend. He said he didn’t like the guy, which I found weird since my husband likes pretty much everyone and usually gets along with everyone he meets. Also, he didn’t even have a conversation with him or anything, there was a lot of people at the party and he didn’t even say two words to the guy.
Second red flag, my husband dislikes PDA, specially at work, which I totally understand and respect. but when he would come into work, he would say hi to everyone and wave (including me) but with Kelly, he would tap her shoulder, poke at her side or mess with her hair. He would also talk to her a lot and they always seemed to be laughing about something.
Third red flag, I started noticing that they were spending a lot of time in the office, the door was always open, but they did spend a lot of time in there, so much, that other coworkers were starting to notice and whenever they didn’t see Kelly they would say “she’s probably in the office AGAIN”.
Fourth flag was that they were texting a lot, we have a group chat with co workers where we communicate about schedules, issues that anyone might have about work etc. but they had a text thread between just them two and it seemed they were texting back and forth a lot.
My final straw was a couple of weeks ago. I had come back from a 2 week trip I had taken to visit family, and it was my first day back at work since. My husband came in, walked past me and stopped next to Kelly, who was next to the coffee machines said hi to her while squeezing her shoulder, and they started talking.
Our other co workers turned to look at me with something like pity in their eyes and that’s when I knew.
I was heartbroken, but had to pretend to be okay, I was working.
I went into the office and asked my husband to come with me and confronted him.
He denied the whole thing and said they’re just good friends, that he’s taken a liking to her, but just as friends, that he gives her advice and they talk about work, but there’s nothing going on.
I started listing all my suspicions and asked to see the text messages between the two but he refused, he said if he showed me , it meant I don’t trust him and our relationship couldn’t go back to normal after that.
He keeps denying it to this day, but I feel it in my gut that there’s something going on between the two and I don’t know what to do.
Where do I go from here?
How can I definitely know if he’s cheating?
Please help, I feel like my life is falling apart before my own eyes, I haven’t slept well since and I dread going to work now.
31 comments
Reading this appalled me; I’d have the Ick 1000%. The relationship isn’t strong if there’s no trust and I don’t think him touching her is appropriate. I really hope you figure things out OP.
Maybe work wasn’t the best place to have the conversation. Have you had a conversation in private to discuss things? Have you thought about asking Kelly is something is going on, or are you going to continue pressing your husband to see his phone?
It’s not like things are normal anyway and for him to give a warning saying things can’t go back to normal, well I suggest you might as well take your chances (perhaps seeing the conversation between them). Well, you have so many instances to prove otherwise, it is hard for you to trust him.
You might as well confront him and get the truth out rather than beating around the bush and doubting him every minute because I know that can feel like hell as each minute passes and it can be extremely draining you mentally.
Just for your peace of mind… go for it. He shouldn’t hesitate so much if it’s nothing.
The fact he could of set your worries aside and showed you the messages is a huge red flag .. he could of said ” yes of corse you can here you go.. but I’m hurt you don’t trust me, but if it helps you can look”
go through his phone while he sleeps or in the shower… also you can get little listening devices off amazon put one in his car and office. See what they talk about see if it inappropriate.
But there relationship is definitely over stepping, it’s either an emotional affair or a physical one
🤷🏻♀️ there definitely something fishy is people at work are questioning it.
Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and people are starting to talk which is making you second guess this relationship so he has two choice, stops talking to her outside of work and cools it with the intimate touches or you will walk.
And if he doesn’t agree then you have your answer and walk.
I would be telling him it’s time to move kelly along. She’s behaving completely inappropriately if other staff is noticing it. It will be interesting to see what his reaction to that is. He needs to know he’s becoming the ‘office’ gossip and if he doesn’t act horrified, then I’d say there’s defo more to it. This is just me, but I’d also ask Kelly straight up. If other staff members are noticing it, then ask her. Sorry OP. He’s being a shit husband and time to give him a reality check.
If Kelly isn’t an issue, then it shouldn’t be an issue for her to be gone. That would be my line.
If you both run the restaurant give her shifts when your husband isn’t working. Tell him he needs to delete her number and block her on his phone, social media etc.
He is having an emotional affair and possibly a physical one with Kelly.
You don’t need to “definitely know” if he’s cheating. He’s disrespecting you right and left and is refusing to change the behavior you’ve already expressed is affecting you. This is enough to take action, whatever that action might be.
Why do you need proof? Things are awkward enough and he’s not being a good partner who sets your mind at ease. Sucks OP.
Was he by any chance thrilled or enthusiastic about your two week (wow that’s long) trip? I think the coworkers seem to realize something major happened in that timespan.
He proved he is cheating when he wouldn’t show is phone messages.
What did he say when you told him there’s talk about them around your work? Coupled with his refusal to put your mind at ease by showing you the messages is a big red flag.
We can’t tell you what to do but inaction will get you nowhere. Find a way to snoop or confront him again saying he’s being sus and enact a boundary with real consequences that you’re prepared to act on. I’d probably throw out that I want a trial separation because he’s showing he’s untrustworthy and if he wants to keep the relationship he needs to take the steps to rebuild trust.
I understand your hesitation to act without definitive proof but this is where instrinct comes in. However, you’re focusing on the wrong thing. You want to know if he’s cheating but really the conversation should be centered around how you feel disrespected by his relationship with this woman and the fact that he turned things around on you just goes to prove your point.
Right now he’s scared because he’s about to get busted so he’s going to be defensive. Don’t center conversations around him; center them around you, your feelings, and your needs.
“I don’t appreciate that you’re comfortable touching her. I need you to stop”
“I do not feel comfortable with you being alone in the office with her. I need you to stop”
Statements like that make it about you and then honestly how he responds should tell you everything you need to know.
Since Kelly works for him, and is a young, quiet woman (non-confrontational?), I’d also be worried that your husband may actually be harassing her rather than the two of them having an affair. Because the world is complex, it’s also possible for both the be true.
Coworkers will pity you for being married to a workplace sleazebag too.
When I thought mine was cheating (and he was) only took me 3 days to find the proof. No cell phones back then so it was sneaky detective work. When he showered in the morning I would get up, go through his wallet, briefcase and car. It was in his car I found what I needed. I’m really sorry this is happening. Especially at work. My ex’s side chick was at work too. Thankfully I didn’t work there. Hugs.
Well he is cheating emotionally. Playfully touching someone isn’t normal.
You don’t have to definitely know. The disrespect is your answer, maybe not to whether he is cheating but for sure whether you should leave.
The fact that he was ok doing all of these things was an issue all on it’s own because he’s a grown man and is aware of his actions. Even if it was strictly platonic or a mentor/mentee situation, there should have been more communication. You might not have set the specific boundary but it’s common sense that if you will be spending a lot of time with someone or investing time and effort into someone (same sex or opposite sex) you should keep your partner in the loop. Not because it makes you look guilty but just to avoid misunderstandings and confusion in the relationship. Who wants to stay with someone who needs hundreds of boundaries set in place for them just to make sure they’re not out here making you look stupid. Why should you have to step outside your own principles and come off ass “controlling” or “insecure” because he abuses your trusting and secure nature.
The biggest disrespect is that when you confronted him and he saw how upsetting his actions were and how his actions have been embarrassing you whether he meant to do that or not, instead of apologizing and promising to cut back, clearing things up with the staff, and showing you whatever it is you needed to see to aid you guys in moving forward; he chose to make subpar excuses and make you the bad guy. Refusing to show text messages because “that means you don’t trust me” after you clearly explained exhibit A-D of very untrustworthy actions he’s openly and consciously done, means he A) definitely has something to hide, B) doesn’t respect your feelings enough to clear up any misunderstanding, C) has no sliver of accountability in his body, and D) has no intention on changing any actions because in his eyes you’re clearly just supposed to blindly trust him.
If you feel like he’s doing something, trust your gut, your eyes, and his actions. You know that man better than anyone else. You know how he treats platonic friends, coworkers, family, and you. You don’t need his verbal confirmation or to go through his phone.
If you’re prepared to leave him if it turns out he is you might as well just leave now
The amount of disrespect… I could never look at my husband the same way. Physically/emotionally cheating or not, he’s making you look like a blind fool at your place of employment. This must be humiliating for you; I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t stand for it. It’s time to take the trash out, starting with a new job and a new divorce attorney.
Yikes. Privacy is different from secrecy. He’s being secretive. You see the red flags. He’s touching her right in front of your face. Trust your intuition. I’m in a committed relationship, and at any point of the day, if I asked to see my man’s phone he would give it to me and vice versa. There should be no secrets in a marriage.
In healthy relationships no one cares if the other person looks at their phone. He has/had something to hide. If my wife asked for my phone I would not care at all.
You should ask co-workers what they observed while you were gone.
The texting just between them needs to stop. If you’re uncomfortable then that’s all he should need to hear. You’re his wife and your feelings come first
If you can afford it, get a private investigator if you really MUST know if they have, at least, a physical relationship. If its just emotional and over phone, then you might never find out, except if you get access to his phone and he hasn’t deleted any messages.
If you think their relationship might have gone physical, you could also offer them a “chance to meet up” by having a weekend away from home to “clear your head” at least thats what you tell your husband. Then if you hired a PI they can watch them both, or if you’re up for it yourself you can rent another car and then spy on them.
But lets be honest here.
He could have easily put your worries aside by simply showing you the messages. But he knew that at some level what he is writing with her, is not apropriate.
So do yourself a favour. go talk to a really really good divorce lawyer, a shark of their trade, if you’re lucky then they have a PI they hire to find out things, but at least talk to them, get informed and maybe get solid evidence that something happened or not.
If something happened, then walk. You deserve better than someone like your husband who apparently can not see how his behaviour is inappropriate.
Also, keep your head held high, at work. YOU didn’t do anything wrong here. Its your husband and the other colleague.
if nothing happened or they didn’t find anything, then sit your husband down and tell him you both need couples therapy because he does not see how his behaviour is inapropriate as a married man. If he then still doesn’t see how he did wrong, walk away from the relationship. You deserve a loving husband.
I’d say trust your gut. Could you get his phone and look at their messages? Hire a P.I.?
Your gut knows he’s cheating. If you need proof because he’s going to lie about it then get a PI, get cameras in your home, or get an ally to send you videos/ pics. But at this point you know your marriage is over and you just kick him out. He’s been publicly disrespectful to you. He flirting and flaunting his girlfriend around. Just kick him out.
He’s hiding something, it’s your husband you should confront Kelly too.
You don’t trust him right now. He is having an emotional or physical affair with her. He should be open and honest with you. You never looked at his phone before because you DID trust him.
Tell him you want to see his phone because if you don’t, your relationship won’t go back to normal.
His behavior is unacceptable. He is a sad excuse of a man who has been blessed with the gift of having a woman love him enough to marry him, when there are good honest men out here dying to have a wife and kids and he takes it for granted. He is a coward, that makes me believe he is cheating. It’s still disrespectful to you and your marriage. Get pictures of them if you can. See their texts if they talk and find anything inappropriate. Use that as evidence in court should that moment come. I’m sorry you married a coward. He’s weak. Sorry to say, you can tell him I said that.
You already know.
If you ask to see his text and he refuses on any grounds then he is cheating. Same would apply if riled were reversed. It id not about trust. It is about no secrets. He has already broken your trust.
Get a lawyer.
He’s cheating. What he said about the texts are a dead giveaway and I wouldn’t be surprised if he deletes them. If you want him back, you have to scare him. Tell him to get tf out and she can have him bc you’ll never be someone’s second.
Tell him you’re on to him. Produce messages or you are gone. He’s cheating.
>I started listing all my suspicions and asked to see the text messages between the two but he refused, he said if he showed me , it meant I don’t trust him and our relationship couldn’t go back to normal after that.
I had someone say something similar to me once. He did it because what was shared in the texts did alter our relationship forever because he was full blown cheating.
If I had to do it over again, I would have set my husband down and said, “You will either show me what I ask for or you will work with me to separate our finances and property. Denying me access makes me 100% no longer have any trust that you are honoring our marriage. I will not allow you to disrespect me any longer”.
So he has chosen their privacy over your relationship. No, he has chosen just her over you.
You do not need proof, just leave him. This isn’t a courthouse his attitude in conjunction with his behaviour would make most people break up with them some time earlier already. I am sorry to say this, but it is the best way.