I was a social event last night with some friends I used to be extremely close with back when we were in school. It was a wonderfully exuberant night, just as it always used to be. We got to talk about how everyone have actually ended up in completely different places. It struck me that even though we are all so different and weird in our own ways, these differences are what make up such a fun and inclusive group dynamic. I may be the weirdest of them all as I’m the one into alternative stuff like yoga and meditation, I dress differently and wear weird necklaces and accessories. However weird you are, embrace it to the fullest. That is what makes you interesting and genuine. Anyways, I saw this quote by Sadhguru, and I couldn’t help myself but to write this.
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When you go out into the woods and you look at trees, you see all these different trees. And some of them are bent, and some of them are straight, and some of them are evergreens, and some of them are whatever. And you look at the tree and you allow it. You see why it is the way it is. You sort of understand that it didn’t get enough light, and so it turned that way. And you don’t get all emotional about it. You just allow it. You appreciate the tree.
The minute you get near humans, you lose all that. And you are constantly saying, “You’re too this, or I’m too this.” That judging mind comes in. And so I practice turning people into trees. Which means appreciating them just the way they are.
—-Ram Dass
So true. We may all call ourselves special or weird but what we all are built up of is the same, what’s on the surface is always changing.
When you talk about Sadhguru’s quotes, this one is my favourite. ” Have a mad heart and have an absolutely balanced mind “
Haha.. that is true. Everyone is weird in someone’s eyes
Yep. There is no normal.
Sometimes, I feel like Constantine in the movie, looking at the crowd of demons in the basement, all hidden in their human form, different from each other, but they were all demons inside.
I’m not saying that humans are demons inside (although), just that we are all similar inside. The same laws of human nature govern everyone. If only holy water would reveal our shared humanity.
I went to a funeral a few weeks ago. I was very upset when I left. Not for my friend’s loss, but of my social awkwardness. How do I walk among a crowd? What is the etiquette of sitting after you greet the grieving family? How can I hide my aged fat ugly body and my grey hear from my friend’s eyes who I didn’t see for a decade. The smirk on his brother’s face burns in my brain.
The social anxiety quickly ate my inside as I walked, shaking hands of people I will never see again, praying that I wont faint or have a panic attack (because that would be embarrassing) wishing to hide from their judging eyes. The sense of doom after I left that stayed with me for days. My trauma brain flashes every image, every movement, every word on repeat. Over and over and over again, looking for errors. Look how fat you are, how awkward you came across, no wonder you are failing at work. I’m fat and ugly. Empathy for the friend? Yes, but the pain of social anxiety and social awkwardness buried empathy with self-consciousness. I’m Adam walking naked among the snakes of the garden of eden.
Social anxiety is cruel. You want to be with people, but you are doomed to have this glass wall of fear between you and everyone else. A tainted wall with insecurities and doubts. Oh the dreaded judgment, the omen of melting your face with the rays of judgment shining through you from the eyes of your fellow flawd humans, reflecting inside the emptiness of your existence, of your perceived untrue lack of self worth.
If my dad didn’t leave us, and spent few years teaching me how to be social in public situations, if only I saw him once or twice sitting with a friend chatting, If my mother wasn’t so overprotective, shielding me from the real world. If only I spent my childhood around people so I would observe and absorb, so I would know how to counsel a grieving friend, how to kiss a cheek, how to sit comfortably in my own skin feeling the empathy that floods my heart, instead of worrying if my cloths were tight because I was bloated.
I used to fold tiny tissues before going to school. I started to notice that i wasn’t able to look at people’s eyes and that I sweated as if people’s eyes were radioactive. I was very conscious of how I looked and talked if someone was upset or dismissive. I wanted to be liked, loved, adored, because at home there was no love. At home there was screaming.
So I folded tissue for years to wipe my glistening face, for decades. I folded tissues for my university years, for my meetings and presentations. The dreaded meetings. The circle of hell gathers around the pointless. There is nothing but suffering in meetings.
Being human is exhausting.
I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but there’s a subreddit called r/Sadhguru that has some great resources and discussions related to this. You might find it helpful.
All of my favorite people are weird. It’s what makes them interesting