My (28f) husband(28m), child (8f) and I are on our first vacation in a long time, about the years. In this time we’ve moved, there was covid, I was in a bad custody battle with my abusive ex and then after we’ve been working to pay off the debt from our lawyer.
Anyway, there’s a city I’ve been wanting to visit since childhood, and it just so happens my husband is taking language classes online and his teacher(m25) and his wife(f27) lives in this city. I told him that I want him to spend time with his teacher who has also become his friend, but that i really don’t want to him to leave me and our daughter with his wife too long because I don’t know her well.
Long story short, we meet them yesterday at 4 pm. We planned to go out separately and then meet up after. My husband and his teacher go out alone and the wife stays with my daughter and I. We took my daughter out for 3 hours before she got tired and hungry. On our way here, my debit card snapped in half, so I literally have hardly any money on me because my husband has the other card. I call him and his phone wouldn’t ring, apparently they were in a restaurant underground. Because my daughter is hungry, the wife of the teacher pays for food for her, which was really kind. After getting through traffic and eating, and walking from car to get food, it’s 10 pm. Then my husband calls me and said they wanted to go see two outdoor tourist attractions and that we should all go. By this time, my daughter is tired, it’s getting really cold. I said we really need to go to the hotel. My husband ends up going to one of the attractions without us, we meet them there and my daughter is already asleep.
In the car with the other couple he asks me if it’s in to leave with his teacher at 3 am to see what is a very busy bridge during the day, eat food and then come back. Well, saying no seems so rude in front of them, so I didn’t say anything. When we got to the hotel I told him not to wake me up when he left in the middle of the night because I have tachycardia (fast heart rate) and if I get woken up it can be challenging or impossible to go back to sleep. I told him I wish he wouldn’t have left me alone without money all day with someone I don’t know well, and he said he’s sorry and he understood.
So, I wake up at 7 am and he’s still not here, and I’m not very happy. Today (4th day) is the second day of vacation where my problems with a fast heart rate haven’t caused me to feel really terribly and now he’ll be tired the whole day, whenever he gets back. He left at 3 am, do it’s been over 4 hours. I’ve waited to come here for years and I just feel really alone and sad, and I have to make sure my daughter doesn’t know I’m upset. How do I deal with this? What do I say to my husband?
TL;DR we go on our first vacation in a long time and my husband leaves me and daugher with someone we don’t know well and doesn’t come back for hours, how do I deal with how upset I am?
32 comments
Sounds like a rough start, but can you recover during this trip if he is more mindful?
What would you do if you were single? Would you take your kid to go enjoy the city you’ve always wanted to visit or would you pout in your hotel room? Yes you need to have a discussion with your husband that you’re happy he’s got to spend some time with his friend but now it’s time to focus on family activities. Don’t let this ruin your whole trip.
Op you’ve gotta communicate how you’re feeling to him. If you don’t he’ll think things are alright when they really aren’t.
For right now, I would text or call him and say “Can you please be back at the hotel by [insert reasonable amount of time for him to get back] so we can get started with [whatever activity you were planning to do today and are assumedly waiting for him to get back for]?”. Be polite but make it clear his family is waiting on him. He’ll likely come back but if he ignores you or pushes back just say “we agreed to spend time together as a family on this vacation and today is our last chance to do that. We will be leaving for [activity] at [time] and we would really love for you to come with us”. If he doesn’t, go without him. It’s not how you wanted to spend your day, but it’s a better option than sitting around your hotel room making yourself more upset.
If he tries to say he’s too tired to do whatever activities you had planned, use the same line – “we agreed that we would be spending time together as a family on this vacation and we’ve had very little of that. I would really like for us to do this together.” It’s a polite but firm way of reminding him he made a commitment and you’d like him to honour it. It’s not an unreasonable thing to ask.
Once you’ve gotten through today and/or you’re no longer feeling as upset, it would be worth having a conversation about his behaviour. That you’re glad he got to spend time with his friend, but it came at the expense of the family time you BOTH said you wanted. It left the responsibility of caring for your daughter all on you, it put you in an uncomfortable position where you felt like you couldn’t say no to his further requests to go hang out with his friend instead of his family, and it put a damper on a trip you’ve been looking forward to for a very long time. As much as you feel like this should be obvious, it likely isn’t to him – especially because some of these issues (like the card breaking) weren’t something anyone would have expected to happen, and other things (like him going out at 3am) were things you agreed to (even though from your perspective you felt awkward saying no, you could have, ir you could have said “fine but be back by 6 so we can make the most of our last day”). As frustrating as it is, it likely hasn’t even occurred to him how he made you feel, so make that clear to him. Remind him that this and any future holidays are FAMILY holidays – joint exercises to be undertaken together for everyone’s enjoyment, not just his.
If you want to have a constructive conversation, you should make sure to think about things you can both do to prevent this happening again. Maybe that looks like jointly planning a schedule for future trips that has some free time in which one or both of you can do whatever you’d like (together or apart) but still makes for plenty of family time. Maybe it’s a reminder that since you’re both parents, if either of you are going to be uncontactable for a period of time you need to let the other one know and try to minimise the amount of time you can’t be contacted for (I imagine the card incident would have been far less stressful if you had a message from him saying “we’re about to go underground so I probably won’t have reception, probably won’t be contactable for 3 hours”). He can’t do anything at this point to undo his behaviour so far, or your hurt feelings, but he can do better from here on out.
Communication is key
Text him, “I’m having a horrible vacation and it’s really getting to me because I’ve been dreaming of coming here for years. I thought it would be so much fun, but instead, it’s been one disaster after another. I’m putting on a brave face for kid but I feel so alone and miserable.”
If that doesn’t get him back, then this guy is not a keeper.
>We planned to go out separately and then meet up after.
>My husband and his teacher go out alone and the wife stays with my daughter and I.
What happened between those two sentences? How did the plans you’d made turn into him disappearing on some kind of all-night bender? I’m guessing you two have serious communication Issues.
He ruined this trip, and you enabled it by not speaking up for yourself. You are going to resent him for this for a long time…when you return home I would suggest looking into some form of counseling.
Send him a text and tell him to get to the hotel asap. When he does chew him out for his behavior!!
It’s not rude to say no in front of other people. Being polite doesn’t mean agreeing with everyone and everything. There’s nothing wrong with saying “That sounds lovely, but we have our daughter to think about.”
Firstly, you need to properly communicate with your husband in these situations. I suggest that you have a conversation prior to meeting friends so that both of you are on the same page.
Secondly, I know it’s easier said then done but you should try to make the best of the situation. So your debit card broke, that’s not your husband’s fault, so it’s important you don’t resent him for it. Another thing you can do is setup your phone with your debit information on the phone wallet. This ensures you have contactless payment options, basically like using a debit card.
I am unfamiliar with your health issues but it doesn’t seem fun, and based from your post seems to be causing you anxiety as you try and cope with it. Again I am not familiar with your health issues, however have you tried meditation? It seems your stress is related to your anxiety created by your husband doing whatever he likes without consulting you. He may not mean to cause you the anxiety, he seems generally happy and caught up in the excitement of a long overdue vacation. Which isn’t necessarily bad, but it seems like you both are going about the vacation on th fly and not as a family.
Vacations can be more stressful than relaxing for many. We’ve all been there, where we’ve set high expectations in our minds for the ultimate family vacation and it almost ends up being impossible meet them. It’s like the Griswold Family Vacation scenario, sometimes you just need to set realistic expectations for your trip, and discuss in detail with your husband the plans and your expectations. If there is a rift about the vacation plans, it’s better to address it then than on the fly during the vacation.
Idk man I feel like if my wife were off doing shit on her own it would suck but I’d ask for the working debit card or cash and go have a blast with my son while she’s doing whatever it is she’s doing
Are they building an art room together? Who goes to a tourist attraction at 3am?
You need to use your words and tell your husband how you feel. It isn’t rude to say no just because there are other people around. No one needs to see a bridge at 3 AM for 4+ hours. I bet it was also less crowded at 10 PM and how long can anyone possibly look at a bridge? A 3 AM bridge visit would be fine if he didn’t have his family waiting for him at the hotel and expecting to do stuff together in the morning.
Call your husband. Ask him where he is and why he isn’t back yet. Tell him you aren’t happy that he’s spending so much time off with his friend without you. Tell him you need him to bring you cash. Then go out with your daughter and enjoy the city, with or without him. Also ask him what he was *really* doing all night.
So in my family I’m always the one (I’m the mum) who has to visit someone when we go somewhere due to my work and previous jobs I had, which led me to know many ppl around the world.
BUT either I try to schedule things includingrg the family OR I schedule ONE meal with the person and then go back.
Your husband is not nice but you have to communicate firmly and kind how you are feeling and what your expectations are. My husband does it very clearly if I overstep 🙂
you’re in a city you’ve wanted to visit since childhood. surely in your imaginings you weren’t always with your husband? i get that this is your first vacation in a long time andc unfortunately your bf has other plans. however it would have helped if you had an itinerary beforehand or actually said no if you didn’t agree with the plans that were unfolding.
your husband got carried away because he hasn’t traveled in a long time. he’s excited to hang out with his teacher and you don’t say nay or have a plan. i agree that he didn’t think about you or your kid so. i think it would help if you reminded him next time what you expect and come up with a different activity to do.
Why on earth do you keep allowing your husband to walk all over you?? SAY NO!!!!!
Your problem is that you don’t speak up. Your husband is an ass, yes, but YOU need to use your words. Stop allowing this!!
I feel like there is so much more going on w/ hubby, teachers, wife .. um if he was home and went out all night and didn’t return what would you think? Simply bec an internet “teaching “ relationship, doesn’t mean you “ know” them. I’ve been to Paris and other countries and I don’t even know most bars that serve past 3 AM Ijs…
Why are you letting your husband hold you back from being independent and self sufficient? Borrow his card, get some cash or load your card number onto you phone. Uber your way through the city. Take your daughter. Leave him in the dust.
Your husband is an asshole. File for divorce when you get home
You’re not on vacation with your husband. Your husband is visiting his friend and has no concern for you or your child. Just go home and see how long it takes him to notice.
I would tell him he needs to come back to the hotel room so you two can talk. And then make sure he either gives you his card for the day, or gives you enough cash.
And then tell him you’re upset that he’s been ditching you so much, and what you want to happen the rest of the trip. This should all ideally happen in person. But if he tries to get you to come meet him somewhere with the kid, and his friends are already there, you’ll have to tell him over text I guess.
I’m confused, why not just travel as a whole unit? Why did the “men” have to split up and leave the women to their own devices all day? I agree with some of the other comments, don’t be afraid to say no if you need to, and honestly communicate your feelings, otherwise you’ll be stuck alone in a hotel room feeling like garbage.
Is the reason why you have not just said fuck it and taken your little one to explore this city the fact that your hubs did not leave cash, or because you don’t have the language skills? You’ve got some issues with your husband (for sure!) but if there is a chance for you to enjoy this stay, I would encourage you to take it, with or without him.
It’s not clear here, but had your husband planned the trip already and then you decided you wanted to come along because it’s a city you’ve always wanted to visit?
These comments you’re getting are really setting me off. You’ve communicated your debit card broke and you need your husband and your other card to do any kind of activity. You told him you didn’t want him gone and want to spend time with him. He’s just ignoring you.
Some of y’all would turn around and defend this useless wet sack of sand husband if he reeked of feces because OP should have “just told him” to wipe his own ass! Get out of here with that, honestly.
The only think left for you to communicate is how badly he messed up by continuously ignoring you and ruining your vacation.
It’s okay to say no. I went with my husband on a trip; one of his friend’s wife also went. He asked me if I wanted to spend time with this wife who I’ve never met. I simply said no because I want to do my own thing. You don’t have to spend time with the teacher’s wife because her husband is occupied.
What sort of person leaves his wife and child without any money in a strange city
Why wasn’t there cash for you
Why didn’t he leave his debit card and take a credit card
He knows you’re basically stranded and doesn’t care?
Are you afraid to say this to him?
Like everyone else has said…TALK TO HIM! Was he aware that you wanted to explore as a family? If not, then the fault lies with you as you failed to communicate. He’s told you want he wants to do and you’ve just gone along with it without stating what you want to do. You can’t be made at him for what he doesn’t know.
Honey, this trip… He doesn’t want you on it. However he spun it to you, or if you asked not to be left behind, he didn’t really want you there.
I’m not sure what he’s actually doing while you’re left to your own devices, but I gently question all of this.
It’s appropriate to be angry and upset. If you are interested in being very careful, don’t have unprotected sex with him until you see a clean test from him, and then check yourself regularly for a while, because certain things are asymptomatic in men but not in women.
It may be that the teacher is his special friend, maybe not, maybe they only went to art galleries and bridges and everything is fine – except if he hasn’t treated you this way before, something is up.
It’s ok to ask him – “you abandoned me and a small child in a strange place, didn’t think of me to check in, had a great time at 3 am, and *you know how I felt* about being tossed into a stranger and left alone. Not to mention that I actually *did* run into an emergency. What were you doing at 3 am that couldn’t wait another 4 hours? And didn’t come home.”
He’ll do and say all the usual things, but honestly, this was a character failure on his part. It would have taken him 5 minutes every 3 hours to text or call you and make sure you were comfortable and safe.
Go forward knowing this about him, and make all future plans accordingly. He wanted to be alone for this trip, it seems.
Do the best you can the rest of this trip. If you can go home early, I would, because it’s already a loss and there’s nothing there for you. Good luck – update if you can.
This post just demonstrate how women had to take the bigger mental load and men never feel guilty dumping children to wife while he goes have his fun.
I notice this in alot of my activities, married men with kids can spend a whole weekend away from their wife and young kids to have fun.
But I never ever meet a mother with young children who had done this.
Only fathers.
The mom’s usually have grown up kids who already is a working adult for them to come out and have fun.
This is so unfair. The woman has to always make the bigger sacrifice.
There’s a lot to unpack here and most of it is fairly irrelevant without trying to diminish your feelings.
You said you don’t know what to do with how upset you are with your husband.
Was he kind, caring, patient and loving towards you when you dealt with your abusive ex together? I assume those legal bills are from the custody battle for a kid that’s not his? Is he continuing to help you pay those off?
Could it possibly be time to repay some of that kindness with patience or if you can’t manage that then forgiveness.
Could he have cut his time short when he realised your debit card snapped? Sure but could you have added that debit card to apple pay or Google wallet? Also sure.
What would you have done if you were single and this happened?
Its far better to appear rude but get the outcome you want than to be a martyr and then get all passive aggressive about it.
Wow, this is not a safe situation. Who would leave his wife without MONEY?!?!?! In a strange city?!?! And go off without her?
None of this is normal, or okay on any level.
Your feelings are valid, you should be this upset.
However, it’s not rude to be HONEST. The fact you didn’t say NO in front of strangers is a huge problem you need to work on. Please stop people pleasing! You’re hurting yourself!