32M here. I haven’t dated much, and I’m not very experienced sexually.
I was seeing a 30F over about two months and things seemed to be going well. We’d gone on a couple of dates, and she asked me if I was just looking for someone to go on activities with, or whether my intention was to get to know her in a dating capacity because she wasn’t sure about how I felt. I told her that I was interested in getting to know her.
We went on a few more dates and I got the impression that she was a bit shy and reserved, but it seemed like we were both having fun and that she was into me. She would seem awkward whenever I hugged her, and she would freeze up whenever I touched her. I was happy to take things slow and take the time to get to know her. After about 6 dates, we held hands and cuddled a bit, but nothing further because I could sense that she wasn’t completely open to it, but like I said I was happy to take it slow. The next time I saw her we went to a show with some friends, and during the show she initiated some hand holding and couldn’t keep her hands to herself. I was really receptive to it.
We’d also talk a lot, and some of our conversations were pretty deep and personal, and I shared a lot of things about myself that I wouldn’t share with just anyone, and she shared a lot of things with me. It felt like we were both genuinely interested in one another, and I felt like there was some sort of an emotional connection forming.
Anyway, a few days after the show she invited me over to her place to watch a movie. We cuddled up and watched the movie and we were both feeling good. Up until this point we had never kissed each other, but we slowly started making out and one thing led to another. We had also both drank a bit, and because of this I had some issues with performance and was feeling very embarrassed and self-conscious about it, especially because I had never had something like this happen to me before. We fooled around for a little while, but ultimately I could sense that she seemed disappointed.
The next morning she seemed completely off, and I told her that I was embarrassed about last night. I was also upfront with her and told her that I had not been with many other women, and that it had been a while since I felt comfortable enough to try to have sex, so I was a bit nervous. I was honest but also casual about it. She told me that she’s been in a couple of serious relationships (I got this impression) in the past and a lot of situationships (which was surprising because I never got that impression). She said that what she looks for in a partner is that they ‘vibe’ with her both in terms of personality and physically. I casually asked her if she thought we were ‘vibing’ and she replied with the most unenthusiastic ’yes’ and went cold.
Later that day I messaged her to check in, and she replied to me saying that she didn’t feel like it was progressing romantically. She said that she’s attracted to me, and that we have chemistry but not romantic chemistry, and that she felt our dates were so ‘polite’ and ‘unphysical’ that she couldn’t tell how she felt about me. She said that my honesty freaked her out. She also said that she felt I wasn’t into her sexually, and that this bruised her ego, and she ended it.
I’m feeling pretty confused and hurt by this because I feel like I’m ultimately being judged on my performance in the bedroom, and everything that happened before we had sex doesn’t matter in her eyes.
Interested in your thoughts people.
TL,DR: was seeing a girl, had sex and got dumped the same day
26 comments
You need to work on your game I guess. If you rocked her world she would still be interested. Like 6 dates to kiss her? Work on your confidence.
When you use the term “females” we know. 🚩
She’s not confused. She’s not weird.
Folks test drive cars before they buy them. You ain’t the car for her, and that’s okay. But you may just be the perfect model for someone else. Keep driving.
I mean, clearly everything before the sex did matter because she told you clearly that your dates lacked any physicality. That in combination with what ended up happening it’s reasonable to assume she doesn’t feel romantic chemistry between you two.
I understand it’s been a while since you’ve been with someone but 6 dates before a kiss can be a sign that the romantic aspect is lacking. Not anyone’s fault but that’s how it is sometimes. She was honest rather then stringing you along and now you can explore more of what works for you !
You told her you haven’t been with many “females”???????? Yeah, I’d ghost you too.
Did you ask her what she liked, what she wanted more of, what she didn’t like? Did you make sure she got to orgasm, even if you didn’t? Or did you just throw in the towel and call it quits? Did you stay the night and try again later, or go home?
Generally speaking, if you were able to give her a good time even without PIV sex, she’s not likely to hold it against you. From how you’ve written it, it sounds like you gave up when it didn’t work for you. Which would be a letdown if she was into it and it was working for her. So you might want to keep that in mind for future situations.
Got to be honest, if you didn’t include your ages I would have assumed you were in highschool.
I think what clearly happened here is that you misread her waiting for you to make the first move as her being timid and shy.
So instead she ended up needing to make the first moves on you, which probably felt awkward to her to begin with, and then with the performance issue on top of that she has come away with the impression that you aren’t a good fit for her because you don’t take enough initiative.
Yeah mate I think you made her wait too long then ultimately disappointed her. Don’t let it get you down bro on to the next.
It just seems like she didn’t feel the connection. One piece of advice is to worry less about your sexual performance and focus more on just enjoying her. The first time you have sex with a new person, it’s probably not going to be earth-shattering sex. It’s going to be awkward because you don’t know each other. So don’t get embarrassed, feed into the awkwardness and try to learn about her. Telling her you are embarrassed comes across as you focusing too much on yourself in bed when you should be focused on her.
It sounds like she wanted someone more confident and experienced. Someone who knows what they want and how to get it. Someone who makes moves. A traditionally masculine man. And that ain’t you right now. But it could be, if you worked on it.
If you don’t have a lot of experience do your homework and read up on sex in general, and when you are in the act don’t hesitate to ask the person their wants / needs.
Move on, if someone don’t want to be with you for something so simple why would you want to be with her, 100% sure you can find people who have not problem with it, this also happened to me and saw it as filter.
Sounds like she was never that into you (likely the chemistry just wasn’t there), but that night she either had too much to drink or decided to give it a try anyway just to see if that would spark things. The next morning she decided that she’d gone to far and realized that you just weren’t “Mr. Right”.
tl;dr: just move on.
Yknow what? I know this jabs the ego but so much better that she told you now she wasn’t feeling it than later down the line. With so many people in the world that are a potential match there are going to be some that don’t work out.
Take this one in stride.
I want to point out, you probably didn’t do enough to make her feel comfortable. You said she seemed shy and reserved. With women, that translates into not feeling safe or comfortable enough to be engaged. You said you gave her space and took your time. To a woman, that would definitely feel too polite and very non sexual. You might want to work on your seduction a bit. How to help women feel comfortable around you. Waiting too long ain’t it.
Don’t take it personal…she recognized it early in the relationship and was honest about it…a much better gift than finding g out later for the sake of just going with it.
“She’s just not that into you.”
But really, I’m sorry this happened and I know it blows but I don’t think it particularly had to do with the sex so don’t lose confidence there. I think she wasn’t sure from the start if she was into you and wanting to at least give hooking up a chance to be totally positive. It sucks but just keep it moving, doesn’t seem like the vibe was there – at least not on her part.
Gonna copy a reply I made to another comment sharing my thoughts OP
“I get what you mean. Honestly it’s hard to know one way or the other without seeing how she felt about things in this instance. What I gathered, both from the story and your initial reply, is that was she felt was missing was an element of sexual tension.
Calling their dates “polite/unphysical”, that his honesty in explaining his lack of experience freaked her out, that romantic vibe is important to her (indicating she feels it’s missing with him), and that she felt like he wasn’t attracted to her all indicate this to me.
That while they were getting along and connecting as people/friends that a natural feeling of sexual tension, physical flirting, and OP expressing desire to be sexual comfortably in a way that let her know that was something he also wanted to build toward with her may not have been there. (or at least strongly expressed)
That his rather direct statement of being inexperienced, embarrassed at his performance, and lack of comfort being sexual with people may have made her feel put on the spot. Like that he was telling her plainly “I’m not good at this so I kind of need you to be willing to adjust to my learning curve and awkwardness”. After a time of dating where that tension was already missing, and with her being experienced enough with partners and relationships, she just didn’t want to have to struggle with that and is looking for something where it doesn’t feel like “work” on either side.
My thoughts anyway.”
I don’t think it was your performance in that one time OP, but that your inexperience and trying to not be pushy may have overcorrected how you approached connecting with her and that she may have been feeling a lack of expressed desire over time.
Casual touching, rubbing, getting close, flirting, taking note of her body language and adjusting for it while keeping things lighthearted and playful, being playful. If you were a bit reserved in dates leading up to this and didn’t even try to initiate things/create that spark of sexual tension she may have felt like you saw her more as a friend than a romantic partner.
Man I had a girl tell me I was her soulmate and we lived past lives together, karmic/soul connection etc, and then when we started having sex I had a hard time staying hard(I never really had sex with condoms before, they were too small, took it off to get hard again and put a new one on). She basically asked me to leave and said things moved too fast(had no issue when I was going down on her and making out etc.)
I mean I get being upset about it but shit, if we had that much of a connection it shouldn’t have been an issue, and could’ve at least given me some time to get it up again.
It’s obviously embarrassing, and usually I’m so overly sexual and hard at the slightest touch so I think it was just really jacked up nerves or something.
Don’t fret too much man, it sucks but there’s other chicks out there. Don’t let it get in your head too bad.
I feel bad that there is so much pressure to perform for men. Honestly my bf had some ED the first couple of times he and I were together. I don’t know if it was pressure or pills or weed. But after a while of getting to know each other – we got to know each other. I liked him too much to let that one time just be one time.
But had I listened to my friends, they were all advising me to just let him go and pursue someone else. I’m glad I didn’t listen to them.
To me this all seems to boil down to the fact that she didn’t seem to know if you were interested in her or now. 6 dates is a long time to not even ask to kiss her. Sounds like everything was uncomfortable for her from start to finish.
I wouldn’t associate the fact that she dumped you after sex, it’s more probably that she just didn’t think you guys had chemistry. I think most women would feel like you weren’t into them after all of this.
Ask the girl if you can kiss her earlier in the dating process and make sure she knows that you’re interested in her. It’s not nice to keep wondering and not know what your intentions are or interest level is. You say you said you were interested but your actions didn’t show it.
From what you describe, sparks were not flying. It seems like she was trying, and having limited success, but perhaps she thought if there was good sexual chemistry things could develop from there. There just wasn’t good sexual chemistry, so in tandem with everything else she decided to move on. That’s nobody’s fault.
She wanted you to make moves.
So when she got tired of waiting and started it, it ended up with disappointing sex.
You let your nerves get the best of you, in the dates and in the bed room.
Take this as a learning opportunity and move on.
It sounds like you were both holding back politely but when it came to the night together she was wanting passion to seal the deal. When she didn’t get it she’s put you in the friend zone.
You sound like you are a very sweet and thoughtful guy.
But for some women that would be too bland. Sorry if that sounds harsh. The right woman will love you and be happy to take it slowly or whatever pace you are BOTH comfortable with!
I’d try to avoid alcohol when hooking up in the future…i get that it makes it less awkward to get in the mood but first time with a new partner….I know I’m always nervous…I don’t need alcohol potentially making things more difficult
Live and learn.