My husband has always had trust issues due to former women cheating on him. He goes through my phone regularly which peeves me but I allow it to give him comfort because I have nothing to worry about and I want him to see how dry my phone is. On the other hand, he will not let me go through his phone. He got a Reddit notification and put me in a dang choke hold to keep me from seeing it. He is a daily Reddit user and his message board was empty…..I don’t want to jump to conclusions but my gut tells me I’m being played.
28 comments
Choke hold? One-sided rules? Massive distrust all around? Sounds like a dysfunctional relationship. Get counseling now.
There are no second class citizens in marriage.
I most certainly would have an uneasy feeling. Also stop giving him your phone until he can reciprocate. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
Yes, this definitely a red flag, but not for cheating. For being controlled and manipulated and abused, yes. But not necessarily cheating.
This sounds like classic paranoia of a cheater. He’s worried about you doing wrong because he’s doing wrong. If he can go through your phone, you should be able to go through his. Also, if he’s putting his hands on you, he’s dangerous and you need to leave. These are both abusive.
He’s definitely playing you, red flag is an understatement.
I know everyone says not to do it but I just don’t agree. I’d find a way to go through his phone. Middle of the night. “Accidentally” pick it up and leave the house with it. Whatever works. If he didn’t give you red flag behavior, you wouldn’t be inclined to look.
ETA, I forgot to say this seems like a pretty sketchy situation that you’re in and you should probably think about leaving anyway. A choke hold over a phone? Seems excessive af if there’s nothing to hide.
The trust issues and former women cheating on him? This is a lie as old as time. Basically when he told you that, he was really telling you he cheated on the women before you.
You are now being controlled, abused, and the physical violencd has already begun. It will increase and eventually your life will be in danger. Get out asap.
A CHOKE HOLD?!
Dear, you are in DANGER. Please exit your marriage! I am allll for therapy to heal but not with abusers!
Not only is he cheating but he is abusing you
That’s huge red flag. Check the phone usage data. Calls, texts, etc.
You are in an abusive relationship. Violating your privacy is not okay, and neither are choke holds.
You are
I would be less worried about what on his phone than about the fact that he choked hold stopped you.
Projection perhaps? He is doing it so he thinks you’re doing it.
Maybe he was complaining about you to someone and didn’t want you to see it.
Don’t let him see your phone if you can’t see his? I have an open phone relationship but if he insisted on going through mine but wouldn’t let me on his I would not allow that.
Is it possible that he has asked for relationship advice on Reddit anonymously that he could be embarrassed about?
He put you in a chokehold! Does it really matter if he’s cheating?
No one has ever cheated on him. He’s the cheater and he’s violent too.
Throw the whole man away.
Or if you want to be petty, cheat first and then inform him from a safe distance while he’s been served with divorce papers.
Big red flag. Do you know what subs he follows or posts on?
I think there is a high chance he is cheating on you.
There’s [RESEARCH](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-sheets/201812/cheating-and-getting-even) that indicates that a person is more likely to cheat, if they have a history of being cheated on.
>>*”What we discovered that surprised us was that the best predictor of cheating was a history of being cheated on. What goes around seems to come around. The effect size for this result was moderate. That means that a history of being cheated on is a better predictor of infidelity than any personality variable. And even though there is no particular personality variable that predicts being cheated on, if you are cheated on, you are significantly more likely to cheat, and the effect size is not small.”*
If your husband is repeatedly going through your phone there’s a chance that he’s projecting. Cheaters sometimes assume their partner must also be cheating as well. It’s their attempt to assuage any guilt they may have for cheating.
And if he’s willing to choke you to prevent you from looking at his phone, he’s definitely up to something he shouldn’t be.
Red flag. Could be a cheater but could also be hiding any number of illegal things he’s involved in from you.
JFC, if your spouse puts you in a chokehold, that is not okay. For any reason; caveat: if you are threatening to murder someone and you are taking affirmative steps to conducting this murder and a chokehold is the only means of preventing the murder, sure.
…but for a *Reddit* notification!? Fuck your husband, that is unacceptable.
The choke hold is domestic violence. Do not stay. This usual escalates.
Him treating you like his cheating ex is mentally unhealthy and emotionally abusive to you.
It’s not OK and you should have a problem with it.
He’s just manipulating and controlling you. I bet he lied about having cheating ex’s too. I don’t buy that. If that was true he wouldn’t have a problem with you looking at his phone.
Chokehold? That sounds like abuse to me.
Okay, so I’m gonna say this as clearly as I can OP: any situation in which your partner puts you in a CHOKEHOLD in absolutely not okay. The only exception is if you were being violent toward him, a child, or an animal, and it was a defensive maneuver. Other than that, it is literally never okay for your aprtner to CHOKEHOLD you
The chances that he’ll change are about zero. Although he may put on a good front for a while when he’s in trouble. He sounds mentally and physically abusive.
It’s a red flag to constantly think someone else is cheating when that other person isn’t. It’s usually projection of their own unfaithfulness. Also it’s highly suspicious he can go through your phone but you can’t go through his. What’s his excuse for that?