**UPDATE** I’m deleting this post before I leave work today. I don’t want to, but I don’t want him to somehow find it either. I want to thank everyone for their support, kind words, and advice. I’m taking these notes down on a hidden Google document so I can create a safe plan for myself. I also have a copy of this post in there as well as photo and video evidence that I’ve mentioned in the comment thread. Again. Thank you for giving me a clear head and perspective. This relationship is NOT healthy. I need to treat myself better. Thank you.

I want to start off by making it clear that I (24f) love my boyfriend (25m) so much. We’ve been together since 2019. Things are usually really good between us. I’m just confused and I don’t know what to do or think after this happened. We have had fights before that have been bad but this is the worst it’s ever been and I’m beginning to get scared. I posted this in another subreddit’ but I don’t think anybody saw my post. I want him to get help. I’m mostly looking for advice on how to help him. How I can communicate in a way that won’t escalate things? Just mostly need an outside perspective.

This fight started during dinner on a perfectly normal evening. I had been sick with a stomach bug for the past few days so I wasn’t feeling good. I wasn’t talkative or particularly goofy like I normally am. He started making passive aggressive slights about me being mad. I kept reassuring him I wasn’t and that I just didn’t feel good. He kept poking at that subject while I was washing dishes. After not responding he threw his hands up and said “woah woah woah don’t want you to get any crazy ideas in your head”. I said that “I wasn’t angry before, but now I am because he kept accusing me of emotions I wasn’t feeling.” After offering to go cool down by reading my book it was quiet for a few minutes. He came in the room i was in and in an aggressive tone said “so…are we going to talk about what’s going on or??”. I told him there’s not really anything to talk about because all that happened was he accused me of being mad when I wasn’t, but I’ve cooled down so everything’s okay. That set him off I geuss? He kept saying I’ve been acting weird all night. I said that I told him already that I was feeling sick, but I promised I wasn’t mad at him. I told him I didn’t want to fight and he kept getting more mad and aggressive. I told him we can talk it out, but he can’t he yelling because we live in an apartment complex.

He shut down anything I was saying when I was trying to talk it out with him. So I said “If youre going to continue to yell at me we can talk later when we’ve cooled down”. His response was to call me a “stupid fucking bitch”. He continued calling me names and insulting me. So I said that I’m not going to listen to that and went inside the bedroom. He followed me in there and continued his verbal assault. So I locked him out of the connected bathroom bc I wasn’t going to let him talk to me like that. Which I did communicate, again, without shouting. He burst into the bathroom breaking the lock on the door. He claimed I was threatening him and acting crazy while I was having a panic attack in the corner. He was recording me and shoving the phone in my face. All while claiming that it was going to be solid proof on what I put him through. I told him to leave me alone and to get out between sobs because he kept disrespecting my boundaries and I was scared honestly.

He left after that. When he was on the road he kept calling me to scream at me and guilt trip me. I told him if he was going to scream at me I wasn’t going to stay on the phone. I ended up hanging up on him several times. He kept calling back and saying things like “If you just stop stonewalling me this wouldn’t be happening. I wouldn’t have to insult you. What do you not understand about that???”

Hours later he ended up coming back and it spiraled from there. I stopped giving him the reactions I wanted and he started calling me a “whore” a “slut”. Told me that I was no good and that I’m a manipulative piece of shit. That I was giving him the silent treatment. He started insulting my interests, my character, my intelligence… I just stopped responding. Then he grabbed the bottle of zzzquil gummies and threatened to eat the whole bottle of them. He shoved them in his mouth and that’s when I pulled his hair to get him to open his mouth then shoved my fingers down his throat to make him spit them out.

He kept threatening to kill himself so I called my mom because I didn’t know what to do. She answered and his demeanor completely changed to calm and pretended like he had no idea what I was talking about. Told my mom I was crazy and lying and that I was the one trying to kill myself. Told her that I pulled his hair and assaulted him for no reason. Then tried telling my mom that I talked shit about her and told him that I hated her. After this didn’t work he threatened to call the police and get me arrested for domestic violence. When I called his bluff he said “You have a long history of mental illness and when they see that and see that I’m calm. Who are they gonna believe?” I was BEGGING him not to call the police and to just get out. I didn’t have my car so I couldn’t leave the apartment, but he refused to leave again.

I told him to leave and that we were done just to get him away from me and he tried taking the dog we share with him. The dog was so scared he was shaking and throwing up from anxiety. So I got in front of him and wouldn’t let him take him. For the next couple hours he screamed at me just tearing me apart. Saying every horrible thing he could about me to tear me down. This lasted until 3 in the morning. He “collapsed” on the floor to fake a medical emergency to get my attention. I just ignored him and tried to sleep. Eventually he gave up bc he was in bed with me when I woke up.

The next morning he apologized and we had sex. Now is acting like nothing ever happened. He refuses to talk about how he traumatized me. He is acting like it’s all a dream. I keep having nightmares about this incident.

39 comments

  1. You have to do what’s right for you and leave this toxic relationship. Whatever he does as a result is not your fault leave and don’t look back

  2. Leave this situation, and have his family deal with it. Don’t even feel bad if he does anything outside to himself, it’s not on you.

  3. This behavior doesn’t usually just come out of nowhere in a healthy relationship. Has he ever done any of these things before?

  5. Is this your apartment or a shared apartment? Whether you love him or not, he’s unstable. Forget about helping him and look after your own safety. If it’s your place, change the locks, let friends know what happened etc…

    If it’s a shared place, move out when he’s not there and arrange the financial side with the landlord (if renting.)

    This does not sound like a safe situation to be in and I suggest removing yourself from it as quickly and easily as possible.

  8. Holy shit. This guy is batshit insane. And even worse, he’s MANIPULATIVE and threatened to USE THE POLICE AGAINST YOU. You need to RUN as fast as you can away from him.

  10. You’re in an abusive and toxic relationship and it’s only going to get worse. You say you love him and want to work it out. If what you’ve described is accurate there is nothing for you to work out and a metric tonne that he needs to work out so don’t fool yourself into thinking you can do anything to work this out. You have a bunch of reasons stated as to how this would ruin your current situation by leaving. No license. Job across the street. Nowhere to go. But your options in this relationship are far worse. Go to a women’s shelter. They’ll get you help going to your job. Help you set yourself up but mostly help you try to stay safe. This isn’t love. This is fear. Grab some clothes and get out. Let him take a handful of whatever he wants. This is not your problem and not fixable

  12. Take your dog, take your things, get out. Report any attempt to communicate with you to police and get a restraining order/injunction.

    Get away from this destructive force.

    Get away and never entertain it again, no matter what.

    What a living nightmare.

  14. You need to get out. This man is not safe and he is willing to lie to hurt you. Get. Out.

  18. Girllll seriously just leave even if it’s just “every 4 months” and otherwise he’s nice, it’s super toxic he needs help

  19. Take the dog and run to your parents the monent you are alone. He is abusive and dangerous. The fact he could calm down the moment you had a witness is chilling. Did he rape you or did you just consent out of fear? You cannot have willingly wanted sex after what happened.

    He is escalating. You need to get away today , this is not a ” fight’ its a hostage situation.

  20. Omg babe, prioritize your self for god sake. He´s a narcissist and you´re gonna suffer so much if you stay there. Also try to go to a safe space like therapy, is gonna help you not falling again in this kind of horrible relationships ❤️

  21. His escalation has me terrified for you. Please leave him and end this relationship. Also consider placing hidden video inside and out of your apartment. You need to have that proof so the authorities can protect you.

  22. Oh my god. This is absolutely scary. No one deserves an angry, violent partner. Any type of violence is NOT NORMAL. I grew up with a violent and short tempered father who destroyed everything around us but didn’t really “physically” harm us. Even if you’re not getting directly hit, seeing everything explode causes so much collateral, emotional, and mental damage. Please get out as soon as you can. No good partner would EVER do this. Not even once.

    Save as much as you can, but don’t wait too long in case he snaps even more and ends up killing you. This is how a lot of murder DV cases happen. Research DV shelters in your local area. They should help you get resources to get you back on your feet. I suggest watching Maid on Netflix if you ever need a reminder and courage to leave. Good luck and please update us when you can.

  23. What do you love about him. Serious question. Because he’s abusive, manipulative, exploitive and will continue to gaslight you as long as your together. Someone that loves you doesn’t shove a camera in your face like that. Someone that loves you doesn’t call you a F*** B***. This is a dangerous, toxic relationship and you need to leave.

  27. Of course he’s acting like nothing happened. You’re acting like nothing happened. He gets to freak out, abuse you, blackmail you and he apologizes and you have sex with him him. What consequences are there for him that would make him accountable? Why would you stay with and have sex with someone that did that to you?

  28. 1. stop answering his calls
    2. stop letting him back in the apt OR leave the apt yourself to go somewhere safer. i read in the replies that you’re not able to support yourself but the best thing is to go somewhere where you’re physically and mentally safe.

    it seems like any time this guy is allowed to speak his mind or be in his personal space he’s just hurting you more so i would put yourself first and protect yourself from him. this guy doesn’t deserve you and you deserve a better life.

    also even if he calls the police and uses that footage on you any sane popo could see that he’s the abuser cause he’s the one yelling in the video. he’s threatening you because he knows and is scared you would do anything cause you actually have more power and control in the situation, just not using it out of justifiable fear.

    please please please i hope this exit plan goes through and you can start living a life without this abuser and abuser no longer in it. you got this girl

  32. So…my question is…why didn’t your mother come and get you and the dog?
    Girl run, and run fast.
    Oh. And stop having sex with him.

  33. Okay, sweetheart. There are two things going on here.

    First, and most prominently, you are being abused.

    This is a place I never jump to, but if your story is accurate, your boyfriend:

    🚩 Kept pushing you when your answer was unsatisfactory

    🚩 Called you derogatory names and slurs

    🚩 Insulted not only you but your likes and interests

    🚩 Would not stop yelling at you

    🚩 Would not let you have a clearly established desire for space…

    🚩 …so much so that he *broke down a freaking door*

    🚩 Spam called you to berate you

    🚩 Recorded you to humiliate you

    🚩 Kept telling you that his behavior was your fault

    🚩 Manipulatively attempted suicide(ish) to try to guilt you for –checks notes- not feeling well

    🚩 Tried to gaslight you to your mom saying that, no, *you’re* the one acting crazy

    I’m sure there are red flags I missed and flags not included in the story so heres a handful for good measure 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩.

    I don’t care how good the relationship is when things are good. I don’t care how comfortable you are, how secure he may make you feel, what you may feel you owe him– you need to sever whatever it is that is keeping you tethered to this man. He is not the one. I honestly don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that you are in a **dangerous** situation, because unless he is positively beside himself today with grief and guilt over how he treated you (which, judging by the outright denial of events, is not how it sounds), it’s only going to happen again, more often, and with greater intensity.

    Is that the life you want for yourself? For your dog? For children you may have together?

    Talk to your mom. Talk to your friends. Talk to anyone who can get you out of there **tonight** because this is **not** a safe situation. You don’t owe him anything. You need to take care of YOU.

    Secondly– and this is just a stupid aside– but the active ingredient in zzzquil is diphenhydramine, which is the same as benadryl. He’d need to take 1 Gram of it to do anything but get real high. If it happens again, call 9-1-1 or your country’s equivalent. That’s their job– not yours. He’s doing it to hurt you. Let the professionals handle it, and then there will be a record of what has happened.

    I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you resolve this situation safely and quickly.

    I reiterate: **after yesterday, this man has zero redeeming qualities. Someone who will treat their partner like this has no boundaries and you need to do everything in your power to keep yourself safe. Your relationship died with his actions. Please let that be the only thing his behavior kills.**

  34. GET OUT OF THERE.

    Go to a relative. Go to a friend. Go to a domestic violence shelter.

    Get your essentials (financial paperwork, valuables, electronics, pets) and leave as soon as you can, preferably while he is not there (at work or school).

    You are at risk. You need to get out of there ASAP.

    https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/

    Lots of resources here: https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/

    /u/Ebbie45/ is a a domestic violence professional.

    Whether he decides to self-harm or not is up to him, that is not yours to control. You KNOW he was doing it to manipulate you.

    Please get out of there.

  35. Girl, he’s fucking insane and needs help. You need to get out of that situation asap, it will not end well in any way. You don’t need to help or save him, he’s a grown man and can do that all on his own, put yourself first

  36. Please look into borderline personality disorder. You may find some answers. My ex did the EXACT same things you described. And I came to find out on reddit that many many people experienced the EXACT same thing. So similar my mind was blow. Down to the phrase and body/ facial expression they used. Please look into, then make your decision from there.

  37. OP. Reread what you wrote. He cornered you and then attempted to make you the bad guy. EVERYTHING he did was calculated.

    “Who do you think they will believe?” Get away from this guy as fast as you can. Next time he likely won’t stop at screaming at you, it will be you “made” him hit you (or he’ll feel entitled to “get even” with you for pulling his hair when he was threatening to OD).

  39. Christ, the comments here are just as useless and cruel as your boyfriend.

    Firstly, I need you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. You haven’t done anything wrong. Sleeping with this man after the events of the night before doesn’t make you crazy or stupid. It makes you scared, and that’s completely valid. I would be scared too. As another commenter mentioned, your response in the morning was ‘fawn’ and used to placate in a scary situation. You’re NOT wrong for that.

    Secondly, I need you to know that this isn’t your fault. Nothing that you did should ever have illicited a response like that of what your boyfriend gave you. Nothing that your boyfriend did was normal or healthy, and that is not because of anything you did. I want to reiterate; you did nothing wrong. Please do not allow this man to paint himself as a victim in your eyes, because he isn’t. He is not a victim, and while I know accepting the roll of victim ourselves doesn’t feel good, you are the victim in this situation. You have fallen victim to domestic abuse. He is abusing you.

    Thirdly, as you’ve already stated, an exit plan here is necessary. As this is abuse, you have to get out of there. You said you’ve only lived in your current apartment with him for a month, and already his abuse has escalated to the point it’s at now. Generally abusers know no bounds, and the chances of this escalating even further aren’t unheard of. I beg of you not to stick around to see what may happen next. This is how women lose their lives. In the coming weeks and months you need to be dedicated to getting all of your ducklings in order.

    As you’ve told others, with your finances being largely reliant on him, your best bet would likely be looking into every single option you have. Sure you have family that may not be in the best position to help you *under normal circumstances*, but I think if you came to them with the fact that you’re actively being abused, the outlook would change. What’s more stressful for family? Having to take in their daughter from an abusive relationship, or having to plan a funeral because their daughter was murdered by her boyfriend? Maybe it sounds dramatic, but it’s not at all uncommon.

    There are also women’s shelters that are specifically for women in these situations. It doesn’t hurt to at least look at what resources they may be able to provide you with, even if it’s just information.

    You can also reach out to your job, and let them know the situation. You may be able to get some lenience given your situation.

    Also, when you know where you’re going to go, IMMEDIATELY file a restraining order. This will allow you to call the police should he harass you.

    More than anything, please don’t be afraid to reach out to people when you’re in need. I understand not wanting to be too vocal while you’re still in direct danger, but it’s still important to not stay silent. Tell your family, tell your friends if you can trust them, tell your job, tell a shelter. Tell anyone and everyone that may be able to offer even the most minimal help, and also so that you can have a support system while you move through this. Suffering alone won’t help you. You may be surprised at the support people can offer you.

    If you need anything else, or direct resources, please do not hesitate to reach out, my DMs are open to you if you need. What you’re going through is scary and hard, and domestic abuse situations can be extremely difficult to leave, but that doesn’t mean you don’t try. View this as it is. This is abuse, and you are in danger. I am rooting for you. Good luck.

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