At the start of the week, my gf expressed to me that she wants to break up which absolutely shattered me. We have spent the last 3 years of our lives building a life for each other. We have raised 2 dogs and adopted a cat, and we’ve been planning to move into a house by the end of the month.
In the past we have had our differences but we always talked through it and reached equal ground. Bottom line is, she’s not happy, for more reasons than either of us can understand.
She feels as if she needs space to figure out what she needs to be happy which is upsetting because that translates to me as: I’m not happy around you. I know that’s not entirely true, and that there are many factors that play into her unhappiness but my inability to make her happy is greatly upsetting.
I’m crushed because I’m not just losing the woman I love but my best friend. She is someone I can whole heartedly share myself with, without any fear or anxiety and I’m not ready to lose this amazing individual.
All I want is for her to be happy but I’m so torn about letting her go that I don’t think I could ever love or be loved for a very long time.
This situation has also unfortunately given me perspective on just how much I want to spend the rest of my life with her but now I can’t and might never be able to.
I’m going to miss our dogs which she is taking with her(she’s a dog trainer and works with them way more than I do) but I’m going to miss her so much it hurts.
We’re on good terms while we are still living together and we have been very civil during the early stages of this transition. She will be moving out and I will be staying at our apartment until our lease runs up and then I’m going to find a 1 bedroom apartment to move into with the cat.
She cannot promise me anything and she says she doesn’t want to string me along because she has no idea how much time she needs. My biggest fear is that this is just it. The end of our relationship indefinitely.
I want us to still talk, I want to still be there for her when she wants me to be there and we’ve discussed this. I think somewhere down the line we will certainly become friends at the very least.
I think I could live with that because at the end of the day, she is my best friend, who I want to share everything with and do every fun activity with but I don’t know if I could hold back the need for intimacy forever.
She has also said that there a very few people she trusts to look after the dogs so I will most likely be able to take care of them from time to time.
Has anyone been in a situation like this? What did you do and what did your relationship look like after everything is said and done?
Tldr; my gf and I are breaking up but I still want us to be a part of each other’s lives. Is it possible and how have people gone about this sort of thing?
2 comments
It seems like your gf is everything to you. Girlfriend, best friend, roommate, your whole life.
But in her world you are a trusted person to look after the dogs.
So, first things first.
You NEED a period of separation, to reset your boundaries and refigure out who you are as a single person. And by separation, I mean absolutely no contact, and multiple weeks of it. For most folk, 8 weeks to three months is the sweet spot to stay apart before reconsidering friendship. Completely apart. No dog watching, no exchanging stuff you’ve forgotten, no messaging, nothing. At the end of that, you can reach out again, ask if she wants to get coffee or something, and figure out if you even *want* to be friends at that point, and if you’re healed enough to seriously consider it.
Second, it’s absolutely normal to feel like you’ll never love as deeply/never love again when a breakup is fresh, but I promise promise promise you it’s not true. You’ll be hurt, and that’s ok! You’ll grieve the relationship, and you’ll grieve the potential you thought you had. But even though you’ll never have exactly the same shade of love with others, you can and will love others if you let yourself, and just as deeply.
Third thing you need to shelve for now but think about *later* is that having her as a best friend is very likely to be a stress on any future relationship. Having female friends shouldn’t be a dealbreaker, but having a female best friend you’ve been in an established relationship with, that you broke up with against your will and actively may still be interested in? That’s going to be VERY hard for a new GF to swallow. For the sake of your future, it will likely be best to keep a light friendship, not a deep one even if you CAN reconnect well later. Otherwise you’re going to find yourself still broken up but also undatable.
And as the other commenter implied, she seems to be all-consuming to you. It would likely be healthier for EVERYONE in the long run if you invest some time and effort into other friendships, to strengthen your other bonds. Having a strong social net makes events like these easier to absorb (though they’ll always hurt! breakups suck.)