So yeah, my mom was in prison for substance abuse/selling drugs/trespassing/more crap during my childhood. Then she got out when I was a teenager but was still using and so we didn’t hang out much because I was disappointed in her behavior. Now she and I are much older and she’s starting to settle down a bit. She finally got a subsidized apartment on her own (Instead of living in friend’s/family’s spare rooms, etc ) and is getting off of the stuff that ruined my entire childhood. She still has barely any income at all. It’s a little bit of SSI money once a month. She’s in her late 60s now and clearly feels bad about all the stuff she put my brother and I through over the years. We have grown much closer since COVID, travelling to visit each other in 2022 and frequent phone calls to catch up. However, she keeps buying me little kid gifts. Things that I would have LOVED to have as a ten year old when she wasn’t around. But now that I’m 29, I don’t need stuffed animals or signs for my house that have quirky quotes about loving dogs or horses. I usually take these gifts right to the thrift store the day after they arrive and I’ve had a chance to thank her for the gift … Because I can’t tell her I don’t want them. She is extremely easily upset and it would really hurt her feelings if I said, “mom, thank you but I don’t need any more gifts like this one”. I usually say, oh that’s cute, I don’t really know where I’m going to put it. We have too much stuff already”…. Not only that, but it sickens me to see her wasting her money on this cheap chinese junk that I immediately get rid of. She should be saving that money for unexpected medical bills, etc. With her age. I don’t know how to get her to stop buying this crap without making her feel like I’m pushing her away or being ungrateful.
7 comments
You have to tell her.
You have to tell her. She failed as an adult and a mom and now that she sees her life slowly ticking away she’s trying to make up for it poorly. You need a heart to heart with her about cleaning her life up
This may be unpopular but this isn’t your responsibility. She’s taken enough from your life and now the expectation is on you to fix her? It would be nice if you could address this but if you can’t I don’t blame you.
As for advice maybe ask a therapist or recovery specialist? This is such a delicate situation, that could cause a relapse and again this shouldn’t be on you. See if you can get some help, backup, or educated advice.
I really don’t think this is as huge a deal as other commentors are saying.
I’m a former alcoholic and what I always needed was honesty, not avoidance. Your mother is 66 years old. She is grown and capable, and should be encouraged to handle her own life and responsibilities, otherwise you are doing to her what she is doing to you: infantilizing.
What I mean is, it is not kind or fair to keep accepting these gifts and pretending they are something you want, because good, healthy relationships are built on honesty, even if that’s difficult.
You don’t have to be unkind, but if you want to truly connect with your mother, you need to be honest about who you are now. If not, that’s fine, but know that you aren’t doing yourself or her any favors by preserving a tense status quo.
Here’s what I would say (that would be easier on a fragile addict’s heart):
“Mom, I really appreciate the thought and effort you put behind these gifts, but I really can’t use them. Could we use that money to go to lunch or (insert nice activity here) instead, so we can have some quality time together?”
If that’s what you want. If you want a more distant relationship, then continue on your path. It would perfectly understandable considering your mother’s past.
Tell her the following things:
1. you would rather she save the money for herself. Spending time with her is enough of a gift (if you’re worried about her feeling rejected, emphasise that you are concerned about her and her finances, rather than not liking her gifts)
2. If she still wants to get you gifts, rather than tell her what you don’t want, tell her what you DO want. Like, say you like scented candles, tell her that if she still insists on getting gifts, then, all she needs to do is get you an occasional nice scented candle.
So, like, say something along the lines of “hey, I’m a little worried that you’re spending so much cash on me. You don’t have much, and you know I can take care of myself. I can buy things for myself, and honestly just getting to spend some time together is enough. I’d much rather you save that money and spend it on yourself, or keep it in case anything ever happens. And, I guess if you really want to spend money on me, just buy me the occasional cheap (product you like), but nothing more than that, okay?”
Nope. Nope. Nope. It might hurt her feelings for a bit, but she needs to hear, “Mom, please stop buying me children’s toys/gifts. You don’t have the money to spend, for one, and I don’t need that support from you. I need you to just be there for me.”
You say something along the lines of, “mom, I know you’re buying these presents because you couldn’t when I was a kid and I love that. But I don’t have any room for it. How about you save your money for emergencies or get some presents to give to a shelter? There’s tons of kids in horrible situations and a little present could make their whole year.”