Some context: my girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years. 3 together and the most recent three long distance due to work.
She went out with friends for dinner tonight and wanted to call me after she got back. She called and was telling me about her friends and how they were complaining of being single. They said they thought she was so lucky to have me and she told them “not really. It’s not like I’m looking for my one true love on <dating site>. He’s the practical choice”. She said this verbatim to me on the phone and said “you know what I mean right?”. Went along with it but was pretty hurt by it. She’s said things like this once before saying there’s definitely someone better out there for us both. When I confronted her about it and said that really hurt she clarified that with the number of people in the world there was bound to be someone better for us both but she was happy with me.
Is this just a poor choice of words, a blunt truth i need to accept, or what? I love her to death and outside of this she’s perfect. Otherwise wouldn’t have stuck around for six years!
23 comments
“I pretended everything was ok at the time, but the truth is, my feelings are really hurt over what you said to your friends the other night. I feel like you are only with me until the perfect partner comes along. This is the second time you’ve referenced this, and it has me questioning why we are still together.”
Sure, there’s always going to be someone else who’s better at xyz than your partner. But if you’re happy in your relationship, you’re not really thinking about that much less expressing it to your partner. She sounds checked out and like she’s wondering what else is out there. Sounds like a blunt truth.
I would have hung up the phone as soon as that came out of her mouth. Twice now she has implied that she’s settling for you until the better choice comes along. If this isn’t what she means then she should be trying to clean up her word vomit right now.
6 years man. No one in love with someone says shit like that. Probably time to put a jolt in her about the relationship. If that’s what she says then call her on it
You should just text her something like
“I’m not sure how you thought I would take what you said. you’re “not really” lucky to have me and that I’m the “practical choice.” I have no idea if we are each others one true love, but I sure as shit didn’t start dating you assuming you weren’t. Clearly you feel differently. Hell, you’ve even stated that there is someone out there better for you than me. No one says things like this without meaning them. You’ve now done it twice and without regard to my feelings. So what are we even doing? This is how you feel so now 6 years of my life have been wasted on someone that clearly doesn’t even love me. I’m not sure what you thought would happen, but I’m not going to keep you in a relationship you don’t want to be in. Since you’re not lucky and I’m just the practical choice I’m going to free you of your burden so you can go find the person that is meant for you.”
no you are not overreacting. she has twice told you she essentially settled for you. she didn’t say that you both had other possible connections, she said BETTER. yes I agree that no one realistically has only one perfect match in the whole world, but you should still expect to be a perfect match for the person you tie your life to. sounds like you are not on the same page about your relationship
I think that there are several different types of love — soulmate/puppy-dog love, the “practical” love, chill, almost platonic-friends love, etc etc — but I feel like that was suuuuper uncalled for to say that to you directly? Especially more than once? I feel like she’s comfortable/saying: “eh, I guess this works” which is like, fine I suppose? I just can’t imagine being content like that, and if she’s vocalizing it, I’m wondering if she isn’t either? Regardless, this is super super super unfair to you. I’m so sorry. /-:
I think you should let her know how this makes you feel, and really see if you can hone in on *why* she feels like this — especially with it being as long as a relationship as it has?
Best of luck to you.
It’s a poor choice of girlfriend, that’s what this is.
it sounds like you both have different goals for your relationship, and if you want to stay together this is a pretty important thing to get on the same page about. that was a hurtful thing for her to say and there was no reason for her to share it other than to hurt you, or try to drop hints that she wants out. i would take the initiative and show her the door. you deserve more than being a convenience.
Regarding the “there’s someone better for each of us out there”, it is true that out of all the other people you would probably be more compatible with someone else, but I think you have to like and love your partner enough that even if such a person came along, it wouldn’t be worth hurting your partner and the effort of building a new bond with a stranger, especially because you wouldn’t know if they’re actually “better” for you without being close to them. You can’t find the best person for you, but you can find a good enough one.
But the newer thing she said makes me think she doesn’t think you’re good enough, like she isn’t fully committed and satisfied with the relationship.
It’s not an overreaction to want to talk about it, and it’s a good thing she seems honest about those feelings.
Updateme!
I mean, she’s right. It is very improbable that people meet the best person for them within 50 miles of where they grew up/went to school, since there are 8 billion people in the world. But if she was happy, if she didn’t feel like she was settling, she wouldn’t feel that way. It wouldn’t matter that there is someone who may have more in common with her because you’d be her person.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, if my boyfriend said that to me I’d be crushed. He’s my guy always, and I don’t need to know everyone else to know that I’m not settling.
Looks like this girl is for a good time not a long time
Enjoy the experience and move on , cause she certainly will
Look not every relationship is equal.
It appears from your story you love her far more than she loves you.
If you can live with that knowledge than keep loving.
UpdateMe!
She either completely clueless or purposely trying to hurt you. In both case she’s probably right and there is a MUCH better partner for you out there. Actually there’s probably plenty of them given how poor of a human being your GF is.
Are you a good bf? If you look back at the past 6y can you truly say you have been good to her? You were there for her when needed? You showed her how much u love her? Etc.
If you can in all honesty say yes, then yes maybe there is someone better for you out there and you deserve to find a partner who value you & ur love
You guys are still young. If you really love her, then stay with her. But it’s really hurtful to hear that. Maybe that’s just her personality. There are relationships like yours. One partner just wants someone who is safe and wouldn’t give him/her problems.
Love isn’t probably her first priority. But she does love you. But it’s just not her number one priority in a relationship. Who knows maybe her past relationship she chose to follow her heart and did not end well or she saw her friends or Parents. There is always a reason for her decision.
Also you probably checked all her boxes and picked you when she was looking for a partner/bf. You guys just have different view on your relationship. Important thing is how you feel. If it makes you anxious then really have a serious talk. And decide if this is what you want in your partner. If having the same wavelength is what you want then break up.
The first thing that would pop in my head after hearing this would be “what happens when one of us find a better match?” It will happen someday, probably to both of you. You’ll meet a woman, a little prettier, more empathetic and who actually thinks she is lucky to have you and isn’t settling with you.
She’ll meet someone who doesn’t care if she’s not totally happy with him and thinks there might be an even better match than him. He won’t care because he’s not all that into her anyway. Eventually, they’ll both find someone new.
You’re a young guy, look into your future and ask yourself “is she really going to be satisfied for the rest of her life with me? Even if she stays with me, will she turn bitter because she settled for less than she thinks she’s worth?” This does not sound like a long term, married with kids living happily in the suburbs, relationship. This sounds more like a way station, a temporary stop until something better comes along. If I were you, I wouldn’t settle for that.
Updateme!
I promise you one day the “better one” will come and she will cheat on you so you might save yourself now before later
Dump her so she can go find that person who’s better for her. I’m begging you, you deserve better.
She’s negging you. She’s trying to destroy your confidence.
Tell her that you hope she finds her true love. Then go seeking your own true love, because she’s not it.
She’s obviously not happy being with you. Relieve her of her burden and dump her.
These facts stand out.
1. One where she hurts you by telling you how there is someone better out there for both of you. You call it out, she doubles down by waffling in some lame world population excuse for her words.
2. When her single friends tell her she’s lucky, her response is to disagree with them, then go on to basically explain that you are a “practical choice” rather than her one true love.
Both of these situations, she is essentially making it clear she settled for you because you are a comfortable practical choice. A good catch, but not someone she is head over heels with or ever has been. Is this who you want to spend a life with? Someone that found you as the comfortable choice who disagrees and corrects others when they tell her she is lucky to have you?? And what will happen in the future when suddenly she runs into a guy she feels is that better person and true love?
The world is full of women. Plenty who will think you are their one true love who would agree with others when they tell her she’s lucky to have you. You can either raise your bar, forget about sunk cost fallacies and go find her, or stick around with this one who has made her opinion clear about just settling til something better comes along, and if not, just staying settled. Sounds boring and sad to me.