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I don’t know if you people are familiar with this but i saw some posts about people who have the habit of repressing themselves in order for them to be seen as “good.” They believe it is alright when they’re not complaining or when they don’t act out of character because of people saying that these traits are bad. Due to conditioning, they have adopted (most of them in adolesence) masks or personas like “nice guy” or “good girl.” I also read that being a “good kid” also affects the social life.
Die you ever had such an experience where you repressed yourself so much to the point of not knowing who you are?
33 comments
Yes I did. I’m slowly getting better at it. I realised I’ll never be good enough to everyone. You can never satisfy all the people all the time. So better be me and be ‘good enough ‘ for a few that matters. Even the one who thinks I’m ‘good enough’ will not see me as ‘good enough’ all the time. Some action of me will not be ‘good enough’. We’ll have disagreements but that’s just life. But tell you what It’s not a switch. Most of the time my brain still goes into a character which it has decided will make me ‘good enough’ for everyone (it’s completely fooling itself). But, I’m getting better. Every month of so I would look back and think “Hm I’ve improved”
Bring yourself isn’t a switch. It takes time and practice. And sometimes it seems like two step forward one step backward. Or even one step forward, two step backward. But the important thing is to push forward đâ¤ď¸
Yep, just starting to get over it. I was only seen as âgoodâ when I was younger. As I grew up and got more quiet, people around me started making assumptions instead of just talking to me and I was mostly seen as neutral or strange.
It hurt but freeing yourself from what other people may perceive you as feels good. Iâm still trying not to worry that someone might take something I say the wrong way lol
Yes oh my, that was definitely me! I’m starting to improve and it’s a whole journey and very strange experience actually to realize I hardly had any concept of who I am. It’s like I had no individual personality, and it took getting married (coming up on year anniversary!) to a great guy to be able to start learning to relax and learn about/be myself. Counseling too is a great help. I like to say I was a (social meaning around everyone including my family) social chameleon đ
Can’t make everyone happy all the time, but you’ll just burn yourself out trying to do that, it’s so freeing to learn that you are okay and enough and don’t have to be any certain way for anyone other than you and your values đ
I was totally boxed into ‘Good Kid Syndrome ‘
My spirit was broken at a very young age. And I was molded to do whatever my parents or authority figure wanted whenever they wanted. I just wasn’t smart enough to meet their expectations so they just wanted me to leave them alone and watch TV all the time…
Repression was the name of the game for me growing up. Ignore , repress, escapism. I truly believe my parents knew exactly what they were doing while raising me.
Both my parents are actually incredibly intelligent, they are just horrifically narcissistic.
Youngest of 5 children here, and the more kids my parents had, the better they got at doing the least amount of work while getting the most in return from their children. We were poor not much else for them to do with their time.
If you are raised by two narcissists (of course they divorced when I was 7), they raise you with the least amount of time and energy to meet a social standard that is acceptable so they won’t be blamed as parents…
Ironically if your parents are narcissists and they treated you poorly, just to rebel you want the exact opposite, true authentic relationships, nothing superficial… Nothing half assed.
I’m a very bad narcissist, but I truly desire true connection and solidarity with friends family and society. Something that has rarely if ever happened to me.
Yes. I tried to break out of it a few times and met with stares and people who could believe I would act different. Not bad, but maybe more talkative or I made a home or something.
Because of that I just shut the eff up and kept being the nice, quiet guy. Then because I would only talk to certain people (teammates, classmates I’ve known for a while) I was looked at as the mean quiet guy.
Now I’m just the quiet,reliable, money maker. This allows me to just get in, do my work and get out on time every time. Nice work/life balance.
I thrived from good kid syndrome, good to have in bigger cities, you learn to be putty, be what the important people want, and what your peers want. Gets you far, but you do feel lines sheâll of yours led no doubt, but you learn to let your true colors show through your outlets, whatever they may be.
It happened to me but I didn’t go far enough that I lost my identity. Instead I just rebounded and stopped caring at all. I haven’t recovered yet.
Tell me more about your situation. Was it in school?
In a sense yes but this was caused by the social environment in my community.
– They don’t believe in mental health
– They don’t believe in men have emotion’s
– if a male shows emotions they’re perceived as weak
– If you are depressed or emotional you will get ghosted, isolated, blocked, ignored, and targeted
– The treatment recommended by unqualified self made psychology professionals (bartenders, waiters, bar owners, and other unqualified professionals advertising their psychology professionals when they are not) is have a drink and buy a self help book to read with your alcohol to treat depression
– you will get dumped if you are emotional
– being a good person is worthless in a capitalistic and religious community because the domestic abuser makes others laugh with a one trick or one joke but you are toxic and depressing and worse than a domestic abuser
– you have no rights if you act out. They coddle domestic abusers and bullies by having a word with them and communicating with them but ABUSING, STIGMATIZING, RIDICULING, HARASSING, MOBBING, AND EXTORTING A GOOD PERSON WHO HAD A MINOR MISTAKE (example if a domestic abuser bears someone they will talk to them and expect the victim to forgive and forget because the domestic abuser is popular. If the good person even talks back or expresses themselves they will be ganged up in, stalked, moved, abused and treated like a second class citizen this actually is the story of my life)
The community caused this problem and continue to repeat the same mistakes of the past by unfairly discriminating and targeting good people because they’re biased against the nerd but worship the domestic abusers.
Forgiveness is a must when the popular person messes up even if they murder but the nerd talks back or is depressed they want to execute you and murder you in the streets. It’s how disgusting this community and people are.
Go ask my friends how they defend a domestic abuser while they ABANDONED AND IGNORED THE PERSON WHO HELPED THEM.
Why did they abandon? because I’m autistic and they enjoy discrimination but defend and hang out with the abuser who only abused and did nothing for them. I treated their addiction and helped them get work and helped them network but I’m a bad person because I’m neurologically different and I’m depressed so I’m the person who should die and be executed and EXILED PERMANENTLY. THe domestic abuser? Well he makes a joke and does a magic trick and gets off EASY FOR DAMAGE THEY’VE DONE TO MULTIPLE PEOPLE.
It’s how unfair our system is run by capitalistic pigs, religious child molesters, and class clowns with MBAs but NO TALENT OR ANYTHING REDEEMABLE OR WORTH CONTRIBUTING TO THIS SOCIETY.
So in a Sense yes. Sorry for the vent but I had to say it.
I did at one point, not anymore.
I think this is just being the older sibling
My middle child and only daughter and lord! Help me! Iâm just glad I can spot it smell it feel it from a mile away! Just have to learn to love and appreciate them
Yup, this is how you can walk through life not doing anything of real value. Start accepting yourself as good and bad, because no one is just one, and youâll develop your own personality and act on your own thoughts to have a positive impact on life.
Yes! I know Iâm a good person, but I had a warped view of what a good person is. Everyone has duality. You can be a good person and still show frustration, confront others when necessary, and stand up for yourself. I know this now but it was hard to get there. I still struggle with questioning myself over small slip ups as an adult. I have a huge guilt complex and feel like Iâm conditioned to feel guilty all the time about anything and everything.
This was definitely me, I had to be good and perfect and easy because my parent’s divorce was a civil war and my brother was always difficult. I made myself as invisible, accommodating, and agreeable as possible
Learning to develop my personality outside of that, how to trust that I have value innately rather than having to make myself indispensable to everyone in order to matter, and figuring out how to have my own needs and prioritize them was definitely a long process in therapy. Its been one of the best things I have ever done, but it has definitely impacted my relationship with my mother. She doesn’t like who I am now, compared to who I used to be when I suppressed everything inside myself to carry everything for her. Its really hard, but if I have to choose between disappointing her and disappointing myself, I will *always* show up for myself. If she can’t love me then, there are plenty of people who can
Yes. I call it my Conformist phase.
100%. There are many different names for this type of condition. I completely feel like this was my experience.
I wouldn’t say that I was repressing myself as much as I was just isolating myself from others since I was told to leave them alone repeatedly over and over again in the 4th Grade after making a mistake. So I decided to leave everyone alone forever just to get what they want since they want me to leave them alone so much. So it’s less of me trying to be a “good girl” and more like I’m punishing myself and other people for not meeting my own standards since I was essentially “punished” the same way when I made a mistake in the 4th Grade. So yeah, I have a bad habit of punishing myself and my family by isolating myself and wanting everyone to leave me alone because everyone else wanted me to leave them alone, so it’s only fair that they leave me alone to see how they like it.
Yes 100% still dealing with it today.
Yes and now I’m 25 and I still feel like a naive 11 year old. There’s so much that I missed out on and sheltered myself from because I didn’t want to get judged, introuble, or disappoint the older people in my family. This is kind of what contributed to my addiction issues because I never felt like I could do anything or talk to anyone about anything because of the shame and I didnt want to be introuble but now I have a problem mostly with drugs and pills now and nobody knows, I’m pretty sure people see me as kind of a prude and I don’t think anyone would ever guess. :/
Yes this was me for sure. When I started working I realised how numb I had been for the first twenty years of my life. Always bending to the whims and will of everyone around me.
I started finding my voice in my late twenties when I found a few like-minded friends, but since then life has gotten busy and people have moved on, so Iâm back to merely existing and surviving.
The people pleasing did help me get ahead at work for a while, but it wasnât sustainable.
Yes I did, and it makes me suffer. My parent (especially my mother) conditioned myself into it, and back then I believed that was the right way and everyone is doing the same. Now when I am older and can do thinking a little bit better, I was horrified that I literally has been brainwashed by my parents just to make them not embarassed in front of their peers. I was angry and disappointed. And since then I actively in the progress of “cleansing” my mindset from the conditioning that my parents did to me. It is really pain in the ass, to have this kind of “be a good boy” mentality. I’ve been trying to change my mindset in the past 10ish years or so but I am still struggling.
Yes. I made myself small to fit my ex husbandâs âneedsâ. I worked so hard all the time rescuing him and his family from all their many many drama issues. I didnât have time to do anything for myself but I was a âgood wifeâ, you know?
Now, Iâve learned to step away from that. Youâll never feel more free than when you realize two things. first, what other people think doesnât actually matter. And second, if you surround yourself with the *right people for you* they wonât disapprove anyway.
My biggest problem. Always opressed and conforted about my character while they gave much more respect to those who dont follow it(brother, cousins and friends). Now Im ruined and dont have a âmyselfâ. Only in me which I never shared with anyone and will probably never. Its very damaging because its a neglect and gaslight which prevents you from growing your brain pyshically. I feel like a frenkestein, only been made for self satisfaction of my parents.
Yesss as a little kid i went to a really strict school which basically made me act like an âangelâ however it made me very quiet which made me not devlop social skills which stopped me from being able to open up to people so now that im in public school my friends are mostly delinquents and im unable to speak up to adults or just do regular kid things ( like play around with my friends) because im scared im going to get in trouble by an adult so now im a introvert when in school but an extrovert as soon as i leave school
I’m not sure if I get what you mean. But I spent my childhood trying to be a good person that my parents can be proud of. I think it’s a good thing. It made me more disciplined. Made me practice good habits, study, get into a good college, and start my career. What do you mean by acting out of character or by repressing themselves? Like I shouldn’t do drugs, or I shouldn’t leave my socks on the floor? I probably misunderstood you.
Yup i have always been quiet and a good kid!
I thought talking was rude and not polite.
I never developed social skills and it hurts every day that i am not being so social enough đ
I did/do, but I’m a fuckin prick on the internet in order to balance it out lol
YesâŚ
Yes. My parents molded me well. Great grades, good schools, stable and good career.
Itâs a constant battle still between doing my thing, people pleasing, and communicating directly but kindly. Shutting up is my default. Itâs hard to be kind when there are so many asshats who want to run my life their unhappy way. Iâm also smart enough to understand years ahead if/why/how an unhappy way will fail them, but it doesnât seem helpful to inform someone who isnât listening. Or say I told you so.
All of my family members had some bad shit happen to them growing up, and the impact of those things has trickled downhill into the lives of us grandkids – no one talks about the hurt, the dysfunction, the people pleasing, or the passive aggression. My parents worked a TON, and my brother and I were passed around, so a lot of unhelpful mindsets and behaviors were modeled for us. Hardly anyone was emotionally available on top of it all…
I was a *surprise* baby out of wedlock (much of my extended family is…traditional, and this surprise was a problem). I think everyone was hoping for some sense of normal and really poured into me about being smart, well-behaved, and sweet. I learned that being convenient was the easiest for everyone.
I’m the oldest, and I’m a woman in the south. I molded myself to their expectations and the amount of anxiety I now have from trying to be someone for them…I do my best to understand that my upbringing is a nuanced thing and that my family did their best to give a better life to us kids. I just wish we all had more space to be ourselves rather than being expected to be “good kids.”
I’m trying my darndest to learn how to live authentically in my 20s now. I’m determined. I want to break the cycle
Yes. it always was about what I should do and about how my family or people with influence on my family circle perceived what I did, with manipulation and gaslighting if I strayed from what they expected of me. So the best way to survive was to shut up, keep secrets and to not raise the attention. It took quite a good while to work on myself, to know what I really wanted, and to not feel like I need to fill everybody’s expectations of me, I can choose, and I can choose to put my wellbeing and what does align with my values and goals first.
It took years, but I still sometimes get anxiety when someone important to me or with some kind of power expects something from me and I feel like I have to meet those expectations, but deeply I know, I don’t want to have to do anything with that. Or that maybe it doesn’t have to be exactly their way, I now try to think on how I can do stuff my way, or I find a middle ground where my conditions and interests are taken into account.
it takes quite a bit of work and it mostly won’t go in a straight line, but you gotta keep working on yourself and going forward as others have said, we can do it, we can be the best versions we want for ourselves, not what others think about what we should be, and that in fact, that will bring joy and wellbeing to our special others.
I did repress myself til the point where I don’t know who I am, I still don’t know who I am, none of us really do. We have an idea based on what we like and who we spend our time with. The best way to discover who you are, is to remove all emotional and impulsive attitudes so you can work your ass off every single day, so when you think back on “who am I” you’ll remember that the hard work and life of pain and suffering built you.
Yep, and it’s something I’m only just starting to realize recently. Still trying to figure out who I am and what’s just been me trying to make people happy/been more acceptable. Don’t really know who I am to be honest but I’m getting there