Hi,
I got together with my now girlfriend a few months ago. She was my first time having sex, though I was not her first partner. My first time went rather well I would say, and I had no issues with my boner despite the condom and lasted a reasonably long time imho. Understandably, I was very happy and was looking forward to having a healthy sex life with a loving partner.
The second time, I was either not fully hard and was unable to proceed. It really got to my head. I don’t seem to have any issues during oral or other types of sex, but once I put on a condom my erection goes away almost instantly, and I think it’s entirely or mostly psychological. I am able to masturbate with a condom or without one, though it seems to take a bit more work than before and I don’t seem to get horny randomly anymore.
I am very distraught by what is happening to me, as before having had sex I was incredibly horny all the time. I would have random, rock-hard boners throughout the day, and just thinking dirty things was enough to cause them. I used to find it difficult not to masturbate multiple times a day and use porn. I’ve quit porn since 2023 and greatly limited masturbation since, which was difficult at first but slowly got easier. Now I don’t seem to be as interested in sex anymore (I almost fear it), and while I can still masturbate it does need a bit of stimulation to get an erection it’s not quite 100% hard all the time, which further affects my psyche. I also don’t seem to get horny randomly anymore. I’ve also had a previous relationship in which we did sexual things (just some grinding and touching) and again I never had any issues, so this is my first time dealing with anything like this.
I have spoken to her about my issue. She seems understanding and she loves me regardless, but I want to be able to satisfy her, and while I can use my hands or tongue it makes me feel like less of a man when I can’t have sex with her. I’m also afraid of losing her, even though she says she loves me and I see no reason why she would lie. I’ve also talked to a few of my best (male) friends, and while hearing that they’ve also been through similar things and solved them makes me happy for them and gives me hope, it still doesn’t tell me what I should do.
I am 20, fit, no health issues as far as I know, rarely eat junk food, never smoke and barely ever drink, which makes me think that the problem must be in my head. One other thing that makes me think that is that a single misstep, even if she doesn’t notice it, can cause me to start overthinking and kills my erection. I think most of it is insecurity in my own lack of experience, as well as comparing myself to her previous partners.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post, and I apologize if it’s dizorganised or sounds like a rant. I want to have the libido and erections that I had just a few months ago, and I want to have sex with her and make her happy. Please help me in fixing this issue, I am begging you.
6 comments
Yeah, erections are almost impossible to control and everyone with a penis will have times when they struggle to get and maintain one. So, you’re normal. It also sounds like you’re putting a fair bit of pressure on yourself, which is totally understandable under the circumstances, and there is no better boner killer than stress. So, again, this is really normal and common stuff.
At some level, you need to try and stop worrying about it. That’s not necessarily easy, but it’s what you gotta do. Somehow. One way is just to try and focus on giving and receiving pleasure rather than performing. Many women need more than just dick to cum, so there’s nothing unusual about doing things that don’t involve it. When I used to have trouble with coming sooner than I wanted to, I would just take a break and eat my gf instead. That has never not been a good thing.
The other thing worth remembering is that people have to learn to have sex with others. The desire is natural of course, but the skills are not. And it takes a little while to settle in with any new partner and especially your first. If she cares about you, which I’m sure she does, she will want you to have a great time in bed with her, just like you do with her, and she will be open to what it takes to get there.
Explore. Have fun. Enjoy each other!
To me it sounds like a mental blockage. Perhaps you could work through it by taking it slow during sex and not focusing on your dick, you can have a lot of fun without a hard-on! Another thing that happened to me in the past is that I tried “performance” condoms with someone and they just numbed everything, so I’d stay clear of those.
This sucks and I’m sorry man. But I think the other guys are right. You’ve got to get out of your head.
If your girlfriend is cool with it maybe try fooling around but take sex off the table. Ask her to explore you and you explore her. Really just take time touching all over and connecting with her. But without the pressure that it lead to sex. Maybe you get each other off after or you masturbate together. If you do the latter keep your eyes and thoughts on her.
I’m wondering if you’ve run into an issue because most of your sex life to this point has been masturbation. So that’s what your body is most used to.
Juts need to chill man, the stress isn’t helping the situation in any way.
Bro chill it’s fine. You’re young and your body is probly changing. Like could just be a maturing thing? Anyway the best way to kill a boner is overthinking lol good you quit porn. That could’ve been the source or your excessive hormone. Do some research on some supplements maybe. Make sure you’re always hydrated. Otherwise just live it up! Sometimes it doesn’t always work. But ya know what. You can always get her off and she’ll be thankful for that 🤷🏻♂️ but you’re totally fine. I have a hard time getting staying hard first couple encounters with a person. There’s just so much going on lol but all you need is a couple fingers and a tongue and they will want more lol
Take the pressure off yourself mate, I’m 27 it comes and goes, just the highs and lows of sex drive, putting condoms on is always the pain in the ass part for me at least. I always start losing it because my focus has wondered on to a specific task and it drives me crazy but just learned to ignore it
My advice stop think so much about it, get back to yourself by doing things you enjoy be it gaming, sports, driving, gym whatever and spend time with your gf, let her initiate it a little that way it comes more naturally and Control your thoughts don’t let them go wild
Even ask her to put the condom on for you, makes it a little different and means she’s your focus and the condoms just part of the fun that way.
We all get periods of time where we struggle to get it up be it weeks even months in some people we are all different but I would say having lost your virginity probably took a bit of an edge off it which I’d bet is part of the physiology behind it all which I’m absolutely not clued up to speak on