Hey all! I genuinely believe you should trust your gut but I feel like I can’t see through my husband and I need your advice and judgement on our situation.
My husband and I married young and have been together 4 years now. From the beginning, he was always secretive and hiding things. Every time he bought me something it was a huge “surprise”. He even had my family in on it lying to me half the time. He would drive home from working on the road and just show up at my house unexpected. I was used to being lied to by him and him having secrets.
BUT, god did he love me. I was his whole world. He spent every waking minute with me if not at school or work. I’d never had someone who loved me this much… “I’m so lucky. I’ll never have to worry about THIS guy cheating or hurting me!” I’d think to myself.
Shortly before we got engaged, (1 year after dating) I realized I was unhappy with our sex life. Why does my boyfriend not want to have sex with me? What was so wrong with me that a 20 year old guy didn’t want sex that often?? “Maybe the novelty has worn off and he’s just not as interested in me” I would think to myself. But that doesn’t add up? He moved in with me immediately, he calls me 24/7 even risks getting in trouble at work to constantly talk to me and text, he’s obsessed with me so that can’t be it.
Then the abuse starts. Throwing my phone at me ,(currently typing on a smashed up phone from him breaking it) screaming at me and just being so easily angered. This goes on for months but I go ahead with the wedding.
A month after our wedding, I find out I’m pregnant. I spend the next few weeks sobbing. I felt so stupid to get pregnant by a man who treated me so badly. I couldn’t trust him around my dog better yet a baby. I was distraught.
Over the course of my pregnancy the abuse got WORSE. It felt like he truly he hated me. I blamed his stressful job and now adding a new month to feed on top of it. He was still traveling at this time for work and our sex life was dead. I’d send videos and he’d jerk off to me showering at night sometimes but he was hardly interested in me in person. He’d come home and say he was too tired from traveling.
I had my son a year ago and the abuse continued. I was scared for myself and my son. I begged him so many times and stood up to him but it just got worse. I felt scared to speak up about it because he had nothing to lose but me. He has no family and no friends. He cut them all off once we got together. I now realize how big of a red flag that is but I still don’t understand why.
Sex was nonexistent. Id bought lingerie, stopped wearing the old tshirt pajamas he didn’t like and kept makeup on to try to stay attractive to him. He no longer touched me. Everything was mechanical like he was on autopilot. We showered together every night and he never tried to touch me or even look anymore. If we did have sex, he was violent about it and always wanted anal. I didn’t enjoy sex with him. He’d stopped eating me out or wanting anything other than just to stick it in, cum and go on about his night.
Then I found it. A year after our son was born, on Valentine’s Day. I discovered what I thought was the issue. Porn. He was watching porn at work every day in the porta-johns and jerking off. I had begged him to tell me if there was someone else. I would cry myself to sleep knowing something was up and he would tell me I’m insecure. That he quit watching porn when we got together because I told him it wasn’t something I would allow in my relationship. He lied to me for four years. I took my baby and ran that night. I packed up my things and moved back home to my parents.
A week later, I caved in to his begging and came back to him with the promise of a changed man. Much to my surprise that’s exactly what I got. No more yelling. No more abuse. The man who never touched his child or helped with him without getting angry was now the perfect father. Perfect right? Wrong.
Sex still sucks. It feels like a chore to us both. I’ve lost 30lbs since finding out. I weight less than before I got pregnant. I keep a spray tan and my nails done. I go to the gym daily and he’s still just not attracted to me. He swears he is but it’s just not true. He admitted the porn addiction was the worst once our son was born. That’s the worst feeling ever. I needed him more than I ever had at that time and he picked girls on a screen over his family. He left us emotionally. He wasn’t there for us at all.
So now he’s this great perfect guy and I truly think he has given up porn for the long run. He tries in our relationship and puts me first. But it still feels like I’m missing something. I know there’s something else he didn’t tell me. I don’t think he cheated physically but he’s hiding something. He constantly asks me if something’s wrong or if I’ve found something else on his phone.
I’m sorry if this is confusing I’m writing it quickly while I have a moment away because I’m desperate for answers. He won’t tell me. Has anyone dealt with a man with similar behavior? WHAT am I missing?? Is he gay? What else could it be? Please give me your advice !!
TLDR; young husband (m22) doesn’t want sex and is super secretive. What could be the cause other than porn or jerking off?
27 comments
It honestly sounds like he’s getting it elsewhere.
But frankly? All that abuse? Make your kid’s life better and leave. Just because it’s not happening now it doesn’t mean it won’t happen again, and it may not be you he abuses
Please please seek help.
I feel like the lack of sex or porn shouldn’t be the main issue here. The way he treats you should be, he is abusive and the loving sweet husband you’re experiencing now, isn’t real, he’s love bombing you and he will go back to his ways eventually.
Why do you want a life like this for yourself and more importantly for your child?
This just sounds like a toxic mess. You don’t need this shit, your son doesn’t need this shit, you can and will do better.
You got married extremely young. Regardless of the relationship, you’re gonna have to work on sexual communication **your.entire.marriage** . It doesn’t magically get better. When people say marriage is work, this is what they’re talking about. Either you address it as a team or slowly build resentment and the relationship dies.
Read this book- https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Remember you are not responsible for his happiness and you need to keep yourself and your son safe.
You need couple’s counselling at least. And, probably to leave. Him stopping the abuse of you did nothing to get to his root issue. That’s the feeling you have that you are missing something. Without finding the root cause he is quite liable to abuse you again.
the abuse you are suffering is far worse than the fact that he watches porn. get away from him. he is being nice for now so you will stay. he will start again. 100%.
leave now, for good.
go to therapy. do better for you, and for your child.
before its too late.
Girl, pack your shit grab your kid n walk da fuck away. A duschbag like that won’t ask for custody. YOU deserve better, YOU deserve the best.
You sure he’s not gay and using you as a beard?
Besides the sex, this man is abusive. You are young and beautiful, leave. Get you and your son at your parents, go to school, get a job and your own place. Then once you are healed (enough) from this traumatic relationship, start dating to find a man you wants to love you not own you.
Best luck OP you can do it because even though it’s hard, you’re stronger then you know.💜
You are focusing on the WRONG issue right now. Sex is the least important thing you should focus on. He is abusive, he yelled at you, threw stuff at you, and he lied to you. It’s not porn that’s making him do that, he chose to do that. Many people who watch porn don’t do that, so don’t think about removing porn, but think about removing him.
He’s not gay, he’s just not attracted to you. He is addicted to porn and it seems he has no real intention to give it up. There’s nothing you can do to win him back, and it shouldn’t be your responsibility to.
Maybe he has stopped his abusive behavior for now, but there’s no guarantee. He’s still hiding things from you. **You don’t want to rely financially on a man that you cannot trust.** You need to plan for your exit instead of winning him back. You can’t fix a relationship from one side.
So go talk to him and ask him to come clean. If he doesn’t see anything to fix or wants to fix anything, you know the answer.
Btw, most people in relationships watch porn (in moderation). Wanting to have absolutely no porn in a relationship is unhealthy unless both parties are happy with it. You’re not wrong for requesting that, but it’s a compatibility issue if the other party doesn’t agree with it.
Why do you want to have sex with someone who is such a piece of shit? Why haven’t you left? You really want to raise a kid in this environment? Him being all perfect now doesn’t change the fact he was probably cheating and was/is abusive. Girl. You are still young, get out and be free of this guy.
Why are you worried about sex? Why are you crying yourself to sleep over porn? This is delusional. He’s abusive. You need to leave. He’s going to hurt your child. Him acting perfect is the cycle of abuse
What is wrong with you commenters that are glossing over the ABUSE?
He needs therapy and MC.
He is back to the man you fell in love with, but you just need to get over whatever mess is left. He probably feels shame and hates himself for who he turned into.
Don’t give up on him. Get him help.
No more abuse tho.
“So now hes this great perfect guy….”
Irrelevant. Are you happy with him? Your post says no. You need to leave.
Sex would be the least of my worries with this guy. He clearly hasn’t developed enough to care for his baby. I believe that should be instictual of a man to do. To care and protect his baby. You’re clearly not happy, is this the type of man you seen your future with?
I’m not entirely convinced this isn’t a troll, you’ve been in an abusive and unhappy relationship for 4+ years and the issue that makes you leave is… porn? If you are actually serious I’m sorry but you’re focusing on the wrong thing here. Porn is a symptom here, not a cause. You need to pack your bag and your baby and leave. You need to seek individual therapy and please for the love of all that is holy do not go to couples counseling, that will only speed up/aid the abuse. Get a divorce, have no contact except through a mediator, and live your life away from this person. If not for yourself at least for your child.
This is a time bomb waiting to happen he is a psycho path and shit if you have a wife that wants to have great sex takes care of herself goes to the gym tans and nails and get lingerie and stuff why look at a fucking computer screen and jerk off idk as a guy I would rather be with my women and pleasure her and she pleasures me. Like this guy is off his rocker unless he likes gay porn and hiding he is bi or something. I think you need to look at this for the future and see if it’s worth raising your son in this environment
He’s not a perfect guy. He’s a terrible man. He’s the dog poo you step in that sticks to the bottom of your shoe. Do better for yourself or your son will turn out just like his father.
Go back to your parents’ and figure out how to move forward.
Wow.. ok, there is a lot going on here. And I am sorry to have to tell you, but sex is the least worrisome of it all. You need to get your child and get as far away from this guy, as quickly as you can. Period.
You should leave.
This is somewhat irrelevant but I’ll explain to you what’s happened.
He is a man that cannot emotionally connect – however still desires “security” through a relationship.
So what do you get when a person who can’t connect enters a relationship?
1. Sex is purely object based. You’ll be attractive at the start because you are a shiny new thing. As he gets to know you, you become less of a thing and more of a person, and that’s not attractive to a person like this. Because he can’t connect to people. Porn is all about humans as object so that works well for him.
2. He doesn’t know how to connect, so his only way of assuring you’ll stay with him, is through control and secrecy, and abuse. If threatened with you leaving (while he has no other options) he’ll put up an act and do everything he can to ensure you stay with him.
3. He’ll continue to be nice to you until he either gets bored, convinces himself you’re cheating, or finds a shiny new object to leave you for.
4. He does nothing for YOU. It’s all serving himself.
I mean, I believe that it is irrelevant considering everything else that you have going on, but since it is bothering you so much..
I have a friend who has basically the same problem that you are describing. Her boyfriend is addicted to porn and strippers and won’t touch her. It has nothing to do with her (you) not being attractive, or the guys being gay, or cheating
I’m no sex therapist, or sex anything, to be honest. But my best guess ( as I told my friend) is that when somebody watches porn like that, it warps reality for them. They see these porn actors in these extreme situations, these unrealistic fantasies, and they start to believe that that is how sex in the real world is/should be. And since it is probably safe to assume that you are not some triple D cup 20 year old who is prone to screwing your stepbrother and getting walked in on by your husband, or a 45 year old sex-starved housewife who seduces the hot 18 year old neighbor boy who cuts your grass, or a naughty barely teen girl in a Catholic school uniform who has to be gang-banged by the football team as punishment for not being cheery enough, thus costing them the big game.. nothing you do or wear is going to be able to spark his interest. So, you see, it is not you, it’s he who has the problem. You cannot fix it for him.
Why are you exposing your child to someone you know is an abuser? If your big concern is the sex then you should consider asking someone to take care of him until you’re more capable of being a parent who puts their child’s needs first.
Sex should not be the main focus in your relationship. It’s a good thing that you’re in a dry spell. You don’t want another baby with this man.
You should not stay so that your son has a father. He is not a good man. Children learn the foundations of relationships from their parents. Your son will learn how to treat people directly from his father. Especially women. If you stay there is a 50/50 chance that your own child will be abusive toward you and other people. Abusive behavior will be his normal. Don’t let your child grow up believing this is what normal is.
I know you thing your husband is trying, that he’s changed. Is he doing anything to help these changes along? Is he seeking therapy? Anger management? Is he getting any kind of intervention? Or is he acting like a good man so you’ll stay and get comfortable so that he knows he has you where he wants you? You can’t assume that you are safe especially if your husband is not actively getting help.
It is not a big deal getting divorced at 23. The divorce rate for people who get married young is high. It is not worth saving a dangerous marriage. A lot of women are killed by their partners in domestic violence situations. If he has ever choked you there is an ever higher chance he could kill you. If you can get to safety you should. There is someone here on reddit that helps people with situations like these but I don’t know their user name. If anyone can tag them in this post it is probably worth doing so.
I’m not going to lie, he sounds like a psychopath. My Ex was diagnosed with NPD 3 times and it was severe enough for the team in the psych ward and psychiatrists later to worry for my and our childrens safety (murder suicide ideas). I’ve had to learn a LOT about that, and Psychopathy just means the worst Narcissism possible, it’s a spectrum. Psychopaths tend to know what they are (NPD doesn’t), and they are great actors and manipulators, all very consciously. I think that your husbands real self was the one screaming, throwing things, raping you (yes, raping) etc. Everything else is a mask, completely fake.
I’m guessing he cut his family off because he’s burned too many of them, they know his real self and would have warned you away and told you the truth. They may also be abusive as well tho. That doesn’t change what he is in any way unfortunately. He is absolutely obsessed with you and you’re the most important thing to him since he has literally no one else. But Narcissists can’t truly Love someone or feel empathy for them. Psychopaths have learned to imitate behaviors so you did feel “loved” because he was acting the part of loving you. But since he didn’t really feel it he wasn’t interested in you sexually. I used to think my Ex might be gay; he’s not he just thinks of sex as swapping spit and sweat and only really liked it if he could pretend to rape me and try to “slip” into anal. And again, my Ex was no where near as severe as yours. If you decide to leave him, and I think you should, it would be good to have enough info on him so that you win sole custody of your son and can escape completely. Pay for a criminal background check, you can find that online for 40$. Try to find a family member of his and get in touch; look on Facebook etc. Have an excuse ready in case he finds out like you wanted more medical information about the family for your sons sake and didn’t want him to have to contact them himself. Contact a women’s abuse shelter and ask them what steps to take to start planning your escape. They will absolutely know what to do. He does have a secret and I’m betting it’s bad (possibly the exact type of twisted porn he’s into), but finding that secret might help you not have to coparent after your divorce. Please stay safe and update when you can.
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this is ridiculous, you out your safety and your child’s safety at risk for all that time and then leave when you find out he is watching porn. wtf!
you should have left the moment your child was on danger.
also you left, went back to him and now he us a changed man but your phone is still smashed, dud all this happen within a few weeks.
He could be gay. I don’t know but that has been the reason for some of my friends.