This is tragically awkward to write but here goes.
I grew up religious and was in theory waiting for marriage to have sex. I didn’t date because I didn’t really want to. I was focused on my career and school.
Now I’ve moved cities and am actively dating. I’d love to try out sex in the context of NSA or a relationship but every time a man just gets close to me I freeze up. I’m buen
I’ve never even kissed a guy which at my age is embarrassing. I have been kissed but never ‘participated’ because they honestly caught me off guard.
Important I guess to note that I do masterbate regularly and know my body pretty well. I have loads of kinks I’d love to try but yeah I’m a little stuck.
5 comments
You might want to consider therapy if you can’t even get close to men to think about this in the first place.
Have you tried dating apps to just get some experience being around men in this context?
Don’t get me started on the hypocrisy of “purity culture.” It does more damage than good. I have friends at 50 who still talk about recovering from the damage inflicted upon them.
I agree that counseling is helpful. But so is talking to the “right” person. If you connect emotionally with a date, try to open up about how you were raised and get his input. A guy’s answer can give you important insight into his id.
I’m going to second that therapy suggestion, but with the caveat that you shouldn’t think of yourself as sick or broken or anything. Touching and kissing and being sexual with people, **especially** new people can cause a lot of conflicting and intense feelings, and takes a while to get used to. It’s not strange that your first reaction is to freeze up and feel awkward, it takes time to get used to a new partner or ANYTHING new.
Getting past that is just going to be work, but it should be fun. Things will be a lot easier if you can find a nice person to date who is happy and enthusiastic about going s-l-o-w-l-y with you.
I wouldn’t open a new date with “i’m a virgin who spent their childhood embedded in a deeply socially regressive misogynist religious sect and i’m not able to experience pleasure from human touch” but I WOULD open with a frank statement that you want to go slow with physical stuff and on your own terms. Set small escalating goals as you feel more and more comfortable with a person- “I’ll ask to hold their hand, I’ll ask for a kiss on the cheek, I’ll put their arm around my shoulder, my waist, their hand on my thigh. **I’ll** kiss them on the lips. **I’ll** touch their chest. We will take our shirts off under a blanket and kiss” and just gently work up from there. There’s no timeline for what number date you should be doing a particular sexual thing- it’s all going to be at the pace you want to set and how much you care about and desire the person you’re seeing.
It’s ok if it takes weeks or months or years. Relationships take a long time, and it will be so much easier if you find a partner who’s happy to take time to make things comfortable.
Honestly, same. I know it doesn’t feel the same, but that was me in college. I’m sure it feels like much more of a struggle, but even then at 21 overcoming the purity feelings was a pain. Can I just ask though, have you found a person you actually want to have sex with? I know that’s part of the struggle obviously, but was the thing that clicked for me to overcome it. I remember just never wanting to have sex with any of the guys I met sort of being the manifestation for me. Once I found someone I really clicked with, a guy a actually wanted was sort of the moment that changed it for me and I was able overcome most of that. Sorry maybe that all sounds stupid or obvious ha
I grew up with that brainwashing too, purity culture is a load of BS. I lost my virginity at 25, after waiting for God to send me “the one”….but God stood me up 😆
Don’t be ashamed of your story, you have LOTS of time to catch up in the sex department. But you’ll need to actively let go of the shame & guilt associated with sex….shed it like a cockroach whenever you feel it.
For sake of mental framing….remember Mary was 14 when God felt she was ready to be impregnated, so modern society and customs are out of line with “biology”….having sex earlier comes with some risk of stupidity/naivety, but it’s not a moral issue.
Start slow, kissing is good, get comfortable with that first. Sext with somebody, and share some sexy pictures if you want, so you can gain the sense that your body is your own to share or not as you please. Then try some oral sex before PIV. Most importantly, keep it positive, like the adventure of exploring a new country….try to let anxiety just be excitement and instead of running from it, make it part of the excitement of getting turned on.