I am sub letting 2 rooms in my fairly sprawling, 150 year old, 4 bedroom house. There is a kitchen, dining room, front room, living room, 3 bathrooms, lots of outdoor space. Lots of nooks and rooms to be alone in if you wanted to. Generally if I walk into a room and someone is reading, I don’t sit in there, plenty of other spots to exist.
Renting a couple rooms to J. for a couple months.
J. is nice, quiet, keeps to themself.
Recently a friend of a friend was going to do some work on the house and inquired about couch space; not unheard of to have someone stay over, maybe once a month or even less, plenty of space, nbd right?
I run it by J., almost as an afterthought.
They are not comfortable with it.
Fine. Get it. Random worker-type guy (keep in mind this is my husband’s close friend). We get him a hotel.
Another close friend (40/f) asks to stay the night, in-out, gone in the morning. I want to help her out, and we are collaborating on an upcoming event, it’ll be fun!
This time: “Hey J, A close girlfriend will be staying over one night. Just want to let you know”
J: I would be very uncomfortable with that.
I don’t have any other issues with J &
I don’t want to be disrespectful of any past trauma that J may have, but they are renting 2 rooms. Not the whole house. And the guests that have been denied are inner-circle, not total randos.
How can I respectfully deal with this situation?
TL, DR; Short term room mate uncomfortable with *any* overnight house guests.
43 comments
It’s your house make him get a hotel if he’s so uncomfortable not you and your husbands friends
Are you looking to ask this person permission or are you giving them a head’s up? If it’s the latter then you need to consider how viable of a tenant they are and whether it’s worth keeping them around or having the freedom to bring people in and out – I think it’s perfectly fair to say “this is going to happen on occasion, I am letting you know as a courtesy, if there is a particular issue let me know, if this doesn’t work for you then we can figure something out.”
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(Also are you the homeowner or is there another lease agreement in place where there might be T&Cs that outline some of this?)
Uh… it’s your house.
Also since you sublet… what did you put in the lease agreement? You’re the “landlord”. What does your standard lease agreement in your state (assuming United States) say? Most states say guests are permitted for up to 7 days (some say less, I lived in a NE state and my lease said 3 days.)
If they are uncomfortable… then they can be uncomfortable for the 8-12 hours that your guest will be sleeping on a couch or in a room.
If you own the house you never have to make your friends stay in a hotel.
It’s your house!
Ii don’t know why you are aaking permission to have a friend over
Your house your rules my friend.
I see it this way; if you want the income of renting rooms you have tenants.
Tenants get a say in who does and doesn’t share the space they are paying for.
If you don’t want a tenant having a say, don’t have them and whomever you like can stay at your house. If you are renting rooms to several people, it is also their space and their house.
What does the lease say about all of this?
Your the landlord. What did the terms you set say? If you don’t have an actual document in place you need one. Also If he’s renting 2 rooms, your husband and you are in 1 isn’t there an extra bedroom for guests to be in?
If this were a long-term roommate situation you’d need to work something out, but for such a short term it hardly seems worth a big negotiation. In your shoes I’d probably just respect my tenant’s wishes for the short term – having a couple of months with no houseguests seems like a small imposition compared to having someone in your shared spaces when you’re not comfortable with that. But I might also try talking about whether there’s some way to make them more comfortable – for example, if there’s not a lock on their rooms already, can you offer to pay to have them installed if that would help J feel more comfortable?
But if you want to go on the side of “for such a short time I don’t really care if it makes the person uncomfortable, I’m going ahead with this” that seems reasonable too – as long as you’ve checked with whoever’s advising you about tenant-landlord law to make sure you’re clear there.
This is YOUR house. J is only renting a room in YOUR house. It is not his place to make decisions on who can and cannot be allowed to spend the night in YOUR house. He’s the one being disrespectful of you here.
Are you offering these people a couch located in a “shared space”, such as a living room? If that’s the case, perhaps that is why J is uncomfortable. Since you said the house has plenty of space, perhaps you can put them into one of the other spare rooms that J doesn’t use.
What is the lease agreement? I think J is worried that the person will move in permanently. It will turn out to be overcrowded with people renting sofas..etc
Why not ask J what the concern? Communication is good important for people to live well together.
What does your lease with your landlord say about guests and what does your sublease agreement with J say about it?
EDIT: Jesus Christ, all of you need to google what a “sublease” is.
This. Is. Not. Op’s. House.
You don’t need your sub-lets permission to do jack-shit. You own the property, and unless they have a lease agreement with you that provides ‘exclusive’ access to the space, then it’s tough shit for them.
Since you care about the human component of this — being respectful of whether this is stemming from any special circumstances that J is dealing with — as opposed to just the answer of “iT’s My HoUsE!”, then I would talk to J again. “J, I wanted to follow up on the conversation we had about an overnight guest. To be honest, I was surprised by your reaction. I was sort of giving you a heads up rather than asking you for permission, because nothing in our sublease prevents me from having a guest stay for a night once in a while. But I want to be respectful of you. Could we talk in general about how to handle overnight guests? Is there a reason that you don’t feel comfortable with it?”
what are the rules around communal space?
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occasional overnight guests / couch crashers are pretty common amongst roommates. Does J have a lock of their door? Is the living room a space where you can close the door and pretend it’s a guestroom?
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it honestly sounds like J should get themselves a one bedroom if they have zero tolerance for overnight guests. I would have responded to J, the second time with, “I’m sorry to hear that, it will be DATE if you need to make yourself other arrangements.”
My personal opinion: Overnight guest staying in one of the bedrooms, would be fine.
Overnight guest sleeping on the couch (or any other common area) then roommate gets veto.
You obviously know that legally you can have overnight guests if you want and that you are effectively J’s landlord and don’t have to answer to them. So my answer is about whether you’re being an A H if you have an overnight guest.
J is being a bit unreasonable tbf. If they’re so uncomfortable with an overnight guest why can’t they just stay in their room? It’s nice of you to want to take their possible reasons into consideration, but it’s not necessary and YWNBTA if you just told them “a friend will be sleeping on the couch on Saturday.” Especially since you seem to be able to give them advance notice.
Since J is only there temporarily, it’s up to you to decide whether you want to a) have an overnight guest and let J “be uncomfortable,” or b) not have an overnight guest until J has left. Only you can answer that.
Why don’t your guests stay in the 2nd bedroom (J sublets 2, you have 2, right)?
Ultimately, whether you’re that master tenant or the home owner, friends crashing on the couch in common areas is likely to be legal/allowed/not disallowed by the lease (ie the roommate can’t really stop you), but will lead to tension with J. That’s a common point of friction between roommates, it’s the same here. You can have your guests stay over, J will be uncomfortable and not like it, and relations between you and J will worsen.
J probably should rent a whole apartment instead of subletting if they don’t want to share the common spaces with guests from time to time. They’re being unreasonable. Part of subletting a shared apartment is accepting that you don’t get full control of common areas
Overnight guests are a big deal. It should have been discussed upfront, especially if they’re sleeping in common areas like that couch. I would say very few renters are going to be okay with you having friends crash on the couch.
This renter/friend is only there for a couple of months. Respect the space. For the next renter, let them know there may be overnight guests on the couch from time to time before they sign a lease.
There are a lot of arguments here about what power and rights you have whether you’re the owner of this house or just another tenant. People who sublease a room in a house are also tenants once they’ve stayed for at least a month and deserve the same rights and respect for their living space as much as you. The fact that it’s a shorter lease makes people feel guarded because they’re not invested in becoming close to other residents in the house. Even if it was a 2-night AirBnB stay–Imagine you’re a guest and you’re renting a room and have access to the common areas, you’re locked into your reservation and then the host springs on you that they want to have their friend sleep on the couch. It’s awkward. You would feel insecure about walking through the common areas and your belongings.
That’s why there are signed agreements and if you really want to be clear about all the things they should expect during their stay, write it explicitly in the agreement so that both parties are in agreement. If they’re uncomfortable with overnight guests they don’t know, you really should respect that (imagine how you would feel if *they* had random overnight guests?) and if you don’t like it, don’t extend their lease.
Personally I’d be direct and let him know you intend to host friends/family in your house when needed. It is your right as a homeowner to provide that to your friends, if he is not comfortable then that then best you part ways at the end of the lease.
“Hey J, what would it take for you to be comfortable with the occasional overnight guest? I have provided a hotel for close friends to accommodate you but that is not sustainable for me.”
Maybe she needs a lock on her door?
With compromise. They may be your “inner-circle”, but they are “total randos” to J, so it makes sense they would be uncomfortable. Same with your “friend of a friend”.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this either, especially considering you have an extra bedroom, yet are for some reason insisting guests stay on the couch…? That makes no sense.
If I’m paying thousands of dollars to rent a room I wouldn’t be cool with this personally. Had way too many strange guests sleeping on couches in shared areas that ended up being belligerent or stealing or simply refusing to leave. Every time I was assured they would be no issue.
If they’re such a good friend why don’t you let them sleep in your bedroom? Why are you having your paying tenants accommodate a complete stranger? He’s your friend, buy an air mattress or throw some pillows down and he can sleep in your space. Problem solved.
So you’re asking whether you should let a short-term tenant dictate what you can and can’t do in your own house? 🤦♂️
Maybe a “how can I make this more comfortable for you? Are you concerned about how secure your rooms are? Perhaps we can explore solutions because it’s pretty much my norm to have guests stay overnight.”
Are you Meredith Grey?
You inform them rather than asking them. If they say they’re uncomfortable you can ask if there is anything you can do to make them less uncomfortable with the stay but that your friend will be staying there.
It’s not OK to rent rooms with access to common areas, then give those common areas away to other people…
If you can’t host overnight guests in a bedroom you control, they shouldn’t be staying over.
>they are renting 2 rooms. Not the whole house. And the guests that have been denied are inner-circle, not total randos.
>How can I respectfully deal with this situation?
What’s in the lease? When you were discussing signing the lease with J, did you tell them you sometimes have overnight guests?
If not, but it doesnt violate the lease, I’d tell them now, “J, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but this is my home, too, and I’m used to having guests. Starting in [June or July], I am going to be having overnight guests from time to time. I will tell you in advance.”
I’m kinda in this situation. My bf wants my friend to NOT park his RV in my driveway and live in it this summer. I’ve decided it’s not his call and he can leave if he wants. It’s My house.
It’s your home. I think anyone who rents from you gets an FYI, but not a say.
Do you own the house? (I assume so since you seem to be in charge of work done on the house.) If so, and a written tenant agreement with J does not state otherwise, this is as simple as “I was letting you know as a courtesy, not asking permission. The guest will not infringe on your two rooms or bathroom.” A written tenant agreement should list out whether or not J can have guests, and if so, under what circumstances, with what type of notice, and where they are allowed to sleep. Something like family or close friends, yes, hookups or randos, no, three day limit to guests in J’s rooms or can use couch in X room for a single night, never more than Y nights a week/month. That still will not apply to you as the homeowner. It’s your house, have guests when you want. Just make sure you keep them out of the space that J is renting for exclusive use, and as a kindness give a heads up.
Agreed it’s weird if they sleep on the couch and he should get veto power. If they sleep in a private room, I see no issue.
Just re-reading the post i didn’t notice you said you are only renting the rooms for a couple of months total. If that’s the case, seems like the problem will fix itself soon enough, no?
Of course you’re welcome to address it but either way you slice it roommate situations are complicated and there will likely be some level of resentment, even if done super respectfully. Id think about whether you wanna deal with that in your home or just let it be til your tenant leaves.
Sounds like not your problem. J can cope or GTFO.
Let them be uncomfortable, this is your home.
Hmmm, presumably the common areas are included for the tenant to have access. If you’re inviting someone to stay over I do think it’s unfair to impose on your tenants use of their shared space (by having someone crash on the couch). If you have an overnight guest and a tenant, then I feel the guest should be sleeping in a bedroom, not the couch. If a living room becomes someone’s bedroom, it’s no longer a shared space.
If the guests were going to be sleeping in a bedroom, J has no leg to stand on here. They don’t get to dictate what happens in spaces they don’t rent.
Back in my roommate days a friend of my roommates stayed over in our living room. I wasn’t friends with this guy, but I knew of him and initially didn’t have any issue with him staying a couple nights, but then he stayed up all night gaming loudly on a tv directly on the other side of my bed. While the roommates that invited him slept soundly on the opposite side of the apartment. I was no longer ok with overnight guests taking up our shared space.
Get rid of the roommate. He is not letting you live in your home.
It really comes down to the lease. I rent a room to someone but the lease says he has control/privacy for his room and the bathroom near him will be his to use but may be used by guests short term. Also his rent is like 300 bucks a month for a room in DC and we furnished the room.
We noted they can use but don’t own or control common spaces and that we can have guests over be it in another room or on the couch if we’re having multiple guests. They can use the washer, dryer, fridge, pantry, can cook as they wish, we often share dinner with him, and he uses our cookware and dishes (doesn’t own any) as long as he cares for it the way we ask. As for guests we give him a few days heads up when people are coming, where they’re staying, and roughly how long.
At the end of the day they have a spacious room with TV they can chill in and a bathroom that is not long term shared (it’s overflow if the downstairs bathroom is in use). Sometimes he will hang out with guests when they’re here, sometimes he doesn’t – he can do what he wants.
Like others are saying, check your lease first. If there’s nothing against you having guests as the landlord, then work something out, but don’t seek permission.
If you have a bed in that other bedroom have guests use that first before the couch, give J a good amount of heads up and set expectations, make sure J has a doors that lock for their comfort and safety (should already have had that), if possible make it so J doesn’t have to share a bathroom with your guests. If there’s nothing restricting you in the lease you don’t need permission but you should be as considerate as possible.
Also, if there’s nothing restricting it, you should encourage J to have the occasional visitor and consider staying out for the day if they have one to let them get maximum enjoyment of their space with friends or family.
I mean if I was paying OP rent, I wouldn’t want some randoms staying in what’s effectively my house too. Friends of your husband, aren’t just inherently good people.
Also OP hasn’t mentioned what J’s relationship to her is either. Are they friends, coworkers, family? Like if they’re any of those, it’s a bit odd that J’s not down for it, but if he’s just a person living in the house with no prior relationship, I wouldn’t be super thrilled about just random people being over at my house even if it’s only technically mine for a few months.