My (F19) boyfriend (M22) of one year smashed a chair on the floor in front of me last night, just before before he threw something against the wall. Just before, I had tried to comfort him as he was cursing and pacing when he snapped and yelled at me too. He wasn’t angry at me, though. He was frustrated that he had just broken his computer. It was especially terrifying because i grew up in a violent home, and in that second when the chair broke he reminded me of my father. directly after he said things like “let me have this” and “i’m allowed to have feelings” while i lay silent in our bed. though i know he would never do anything to purposefully harm me, in those moments, i didn’t know what was going to happen. i had a lot of flashbacks to my childhood, hid under my covers and i cried a lot.
this is the first time anything of this sort has happened. and in every other moment of the time we’ve spent together i felt safe. after he cooled down he apologized to me profusely in tears and i truly believe he means it when he says it will never happen again. we are supposed to move in in two months. he has always shown me love and care. and i know him to be a person who acts when he says he’s going to change. does this one occurrence have to mean something? am i having a trauma response to feel so intimidated? or am i naive for not taking this as a red flag?
TL;DR – my boyfriend unintentionally scared me last night and i don’t know if i’m being dramatic or not
12 comments
You are not being dramatic and I would end the relationship. But I’m also projecting. My husband broke two chairs one day… Here we are six years later and I’m desperate for a divorce.
If he’s willing to get help, that’s up to you. But he showed you what he does when he’s angry, that isn’t going to change. If it scares you, then you shouldn’t be with someone who scares you.
Edited to add: my husband cried, went to therapy, got on meds… It only got worse.
Calling bullshit on the “unintentionally” thing.
He knew exactly what he was doing.
You need to leave.
>i know he would never do anything to purposefully harm me
Don’t think this way, because the truth is, you don’t know it. It’s not unheard of for abusive guys to be charming and caring in the early stages. Then one day….they aren’t.
I know for fact I’d be gone, because this happened once when I was dating a guy and he had this sudden outburst of anger (not at me) that scared the crap out of me. About a year later, I was reading our local paper online and I saw something about him. VERY glad I was gone.
You absolutely should walk away, but if you can’t be talked into this, don’t even think about moving in with him. A year isn’t very long and you’re only 19! Do what it takes to get out of this. Also, you need to tell him you’re taking a break and he needs anger management counseling. He needs to prove he’s been doing this and you won’t get back with him until it happens.
Even typing this, though, I’m smdh. Just leave.
It is a red flag. There is a chance that is truly a random blip of anger but it’s something to be mindful of. He may not be physically abusive, but he is showing that he has trouble managing his anger which is a problem in any relationship. If he has anger issues, you knowing about his ability to snap will affect your perception of your safety and ability to communicate.
It really depends on whether he’s willing to work to address it and how.
You need to leave. Sure, people are allowed to be upset and angry. Violence is not the answer to being upset or angry. Please, don’t let this in your life.
It is a red flag. There is a chance that is truly a random blip of anger but it’s something to be mindful of. He may not be physically abusive, but he is showing that he has trouble managing his anger which is a problem in any relationship. If he has anger issues, you knowing about his ability to snap will affect your perception of your safety and ability to communicate.
It really depends on whether he’s willing to work to address it and how.
You are not being dramatic at all, and this is more than a red flag.
Would ‘purposeful’ intent matter if he’d been so blinded by rage he’d thrown YOU against the wall?
Would it matter if one of those wood splinters hit you in the eye?
Will it matter if you guys lose out on your security deposit because of this?
If he wants to prove this was a one time thing, therapy, NOW. Otherwise run, don’t walk.
>i know he would never do anything to purposefully harm me
Bullshit. You DON’T **know** that. You want to believe it, but given his outburst, you can no longer “know” that.
I’m with the other commentors in that my first instinct is to suggest ending the relationship. In situations like this, Maya Angelou always comes to mind:
*When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.*
​
>after he cooled down he apologized to me profusely in tears
They’re always sad when someone else sees them as who they can truly be. That doesn’t mean that they will be able to prevent it from happening again. If you do decide to stay with him, I would insist that he be open in talking to you about the changes he’s making and plans to make in the future. He also needs to accept that if he’s backsliding, that you can call him out on improper behavior.
I would also make sure you have an exit plan. If you’re signing a lease together, make sure you know how to break that lease and what the exit clauses are. If it’s a fee, have that money in reserve if at all possible. Have a backup temporary living situation if necessary. Make sure that you always have some form of transportation under your control. Always have your documents (i.e. birth certificate, etc) under your control. This latest incident wasn’t just “a” strike, it was two strikes and then some.
You’ve got some difficult choices ahead. I wish you the best of luck and hope you remain safe.
This is absolutely a red flag, and I don’t think anyone should stay with somebody who exhibits this level of rage/violence. This is doubly true given your history. You definitely should not move in together – once you move in, you no longer have the ability to retreat to your own place after a blowup like this.
People with anger problems (and things like that) can often hide them for a period of several months or even a year. But by the time you get to the 1-2 year range, there usually starts to be some slippage and you begin to see that side of them. I suspect what you witnessed is not a one-off thing, but a level of anger and violence that is present with some regularity in his life, and will become more present in your life too if you choose to move in together.
This is a red flag. Do not ignore it. Do not expect it to change. Do not accept a relationship where this happens.
If he loses his temper like that, throwing and breaking things, he’s not safe to be around. It will escalate, I know from experience. It’s just a matter of time.
>he said things like “let me have this” and “i’m allowed to have feelings”
He’s allowed to have feelings. He’s not allowed to take them out on you.
Destroying things is a huge red flag, that’s a threat.
He is in dire need of help with anger management, but that’s not your job.
DING DING DING we have an abuser. Did you know destroying your environment especially in the presence of others under the guise of “I get to express my feelings” is abuse.
Did you know this behaviour is commonly coupled with men who WILL hit you later on. The “wall punching boy” stereotype doesn’t exist for fun.
Don’t be obtuse, don’t lie to yourself, don’t let him “I’ll be better”. He has shown you he is willing to make you unsafe and then manipulate you into accepting it as a behaviour he has the right to express. No one has the right to be violent. This time it was a chair and a wall, next time he might get so frustrated it’s your face.
You are so young please do not tether your life to a man and try to save him when he’s already shown you who he is. Don’t put yourself through the shame and embarrassment of lying to your loved ones about his behaviour and never feeling safe or happy.
He needs anger management. No one loses their temper to that extreme, *just one time.* I guarantee it has and will happen again.
Does he use any drugs or hormone treatments that might be impacting his rage response? This is such an excessive amount of rage.