I had a girlfriend from December of 2018 to September of 2022. I initiated the breakup for a number of reasons. She had serious anxiety issues and refused to get help for them, despite promising for years that she would. She came to rely on me as a crutch, making me responsible for her emotional regulation. I felt like her therapist in a way, and it was really hard for me to see her continue to repeatedly struggle with the same paranoias, phobias, and anxieties. Among these things, she would also tell “jokes” about me in public when we were with different friend groups that she intended as jokes, but were hurtful to me.
One time, in the spring of 2022, we were recalling a story of a mutual friend (let’s call him Devon) drunkenly rubbing her feet on a ride home from a night out. There were 6 of us in a 5 person car, so 4 of us had to cram in the backseat. I was sitting on the driver’s side, drunken devon was sitting on the passenger’s side, and she was sitting across us, her head on my side. We got home and she told me that he was rubbing her feet, which she thought was a little strange, and we laughed about it. While listening to us retell the story, our friend asked “why didn’t you tell Devon to stop, OP?”, and my girlfriend responded by loudly saying “because OP is a p\*ssy!” The friends listening to the story responded with a loud “ohhh” like I had just got burned. I explained what had actually happened, that I didn’t even know it was going on until after, and that I feel if my gf is uncomfortable in a situation like that, she should say something herself or ask me to say something; it shouldn’t just be expected that I should be able to read her mind and speak up for her if I have no way of knowing she’s uncomfortable. I think she had meant it as a joke, but it wounded me, which I later told her. She apologized but also said that I was being sensitive; it was just a joke. I explained that I know she meant it that way, but I would appreciate if she didn’t make jokes like that, and she agreed. This wasn’t the first time we had had this conversation.
Situations came up like this often. Later that summer, we were at one of my long-time friend’s weddings, and I introduced her to another long-time friend who she’d never met before. She asked us “how have you two stayed together so long? what’s your secret?” My gf responded “we should have broken up after the first year” in a not-exactly joking tone. I gave her a look like “why tf are you saying that,” and she responded back with a look that said “don’t address it; I meant it as a joke.” I then went on to tell the friend what I honestly felt made our relationship work, and the conversation moved on. But again, I felt wounded by this joke, and we had already had the same conversation about it a few times.
What I want to know is: was I overreacting? Should I have just learned to adapt to her sense of humor? I knew her; I knew that she didn’t mean those things. Despite the problems that led me to breaking up with her, we had a loving relationship and we knew each other well. I of course knew that she didn’t mean the things she was saying. On the other hand, the jokes made me uncomfortable, and I felt like she wasn’t taking my feelings seriously, given that she would agree to change her behavior but never did.
TLDR: My ex used to make jokes in social settings about me that stung, and never stopped even after we talked about it multiple times and agreeing to stop. Did I overreact?
17 comments
If someone is saying things that hurt you, their intentions don’t matter.
What matters is that they hurt you.
You don’t have to throw your partner under the bus to make jokes. It’s rarely appreciated in the long term. The occasional joke at their expense, sure, but not repeatedly and not in ways which demean them. I think it was fair to ask her not to keep doing it.
It sounds like she just says rude things and then covers by saying “I meant it as a joke,” which is a pretty common manipulation tactic. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how she meant these terrible things. They were over the line and hurtful, and you should not tolerate a partner treating you like that.
Her “jokes” aren’t funny and are mean. And when I make a joke that accidentally hurts my partner, he tells me, and then I adjust to avoid that in the future – and vice versa he does the same for me. Because that’s part of being in a relationship, learning which things actually make somebody feel good and which hurt. The point of a joke is to make everyone feel good, so there is no point to telling a joke that will hurt someone. That’s not a joke – that’s just bullying.
Jokes are only jokes if everyone laughs. She was seeing how far she could push it, and you let her. It was emotional abuse. You were right to break up with her for your own mental health.
You know, the thing about a joke that misses is that after-the-fact (after the emotional sting) you can see what the *attempted joke* was.
If the attempted joke was some version of, “My boyfriend sucks” then, yeah, that’s something she can be expected to stop doing. If there’s actually an interesting or amusing obversation there that she just fumbled, okay, you kind of have to roll with it.
But it sounds like it was more some version of “my boyfriend sucks.” And that’s not okay.
People don’t say mean things they know hurt the other person’s feelings unless they don’t care about the other person’s feelings. Your GF doesn’t care about your feelings. You are not overreacting to that.
Sounds like she’s *”joking”* as a way to say how she feels, and be able to play it down afterwards. No, you didn’t overreact. She was either unhappy, or just mean. Good riddance.
She’s not funny and you had a lucky escape
Jokes are only funny if everyone it involves is laughing. Putting someone down is not a joke. Making a joke at someone else’s expense when you already know it would hurt them is not a joke. It was meant to hurt.
The way I see it you had two options here. You could either have forced your gf to be on the receiving end of one of her style of jokes and see if it finally hit that yeah, that shit just isn’t funny in which case you’re lowering yourself to her level but who knows, maybe she’ll learn. Or you walk away. You laid out clear boundaries to your gf and she heard them and still chose to stomp all over them knowing that it hurt you each and every single time. People that love and care for you want to build you up not tear you down. I think she did it to tear you down so you would never realise your true self worth and leave her if I’m honest.
And no, you didn’t overreact. Well done for choosing to put yourself first.
She is your ex. There were obviously issues.
Looking back, you standing up for yourself is always the right move when something makes you uncomfortable. Someone who actually loves you won’t sacrifice your feelings if you have let them know it’s not ok.
There are mental issues that could cause you to make jokes like these without realizing how hurtful they are. Anxiety isn’t one of them. Making yourself seem superior might arise from self-esteem issues, but he’s pretty clear your ex just liked how it felt to do that.
You did not. You did the right thing by breaking up. Me and my bf have been together for 3 years and not once have we made a joke like this or threw eachother under the bus.
We have our uos and downs, rarely but when we do we adress it, talk about it and move on.
She is in no place to call you sensitive. She shouldn’t have let someone rub her feet. I understand you are scared to speak up in some situations but she shouldn’t expect you to police her every move. You were in a car full of people and could have said something but she didn’t because she was probably uncomfortable but she can’t blame you for that.
Saying you should have broken up after the first year is soooo disrespectful! You had to be her crutch and mentally deal with her issues but as soon as you feel hurt she tells you to basically suck it up??? Nah fam.. She is toxic.
My bf is my rock and has helped me alot and I also came to the realization the weight I put on him and I am putting less weight on him.. Of I had to say that to someone in front of my bf he would probably have broken up with me or have a serious serious talk. Its disrespectful and rude especially to someone who supports you like you did her. She is probably gona do the same to the next guy.
Your feelings are valid and you did not overreact okay!
I don’t think your behavior is strange at all, but hers was. I would break up with someone who disrespected me like that.
Hi mate. My ex-fiancée used to do the same thing, if you look at my post history you’ll see some examples. We stayed together 6 years. Eventually we both agreed her behaviour was abusive and she needed to change, but I proposed anyway because I loved her.
She had an affair, which she hid from me until I caught her completely by accident. I would never have known. She never respected me enough to even tell me.
You dodged a bullet my friend.
Jokes at your expense arent jokes. You’re not overthinking it.
It could have been mean. It could have her being bothered by something you did or didnt do and indirectly communicating that via “jokes” That’s not healthy communication either.
Tbh: im really stuck at the footrub incident. You were driving, Drunk Devon was in the passenger seat and she was…. Across you both? While you were driving?
Sounds really dangerous. Why didnt 4 of them cram in the back? Also dangerous but less so than in the front seat. And less risky for the driver.
Funny. My ex hit me in the face once “as a joke”, called my body ugly and me fat “as a joke” too. The things that abusers will justify as jokes shows no bounds. You deserve better. No one who cares about you will test you like that.