I’m not opposed to having one, and I’m sure I’d love it and take of him/her. Im 35m and my partner is 32f. Been together for 6 years and neither of us are particularly interested.
What is the feeling like where you’re almost desperate to start a family? Is it like legacy? Having an heir? A sense of duty?
48 comments
How does it feel to really want anything?
Imagine the feeling you get when you really want something. Now imagine that thing is a baby.
As someone trying for a baby now with my husband, it’s not like an overwhelming desire or anything. It’s like wanting most things in life, it’s a conscious decision we’ve made that we think will make us happy and so we’re taking steps towards that. Like planning a holiday, though obviously more serious and life-changing.
It’s bizarre, I never wanted a baby growing up (or to get married), but it’s like a switch was flipped in my early twenties. I still wasn’t desperate for a baby until we were told no way naturally. We tried IVF, it worked but resulted in an early live birth that was counted as a miscarriage (pre 24 weeks) and I wasn’t sure I could face IVF again so we decided to take a breath (it had been 10 years all told). Then my daughter happened (we still don’t know how, but she was obviously very determined).
I remember feeling hopeless and powerless whilst we were on the infertility treadmill, and it was funny how I was never fully committed until told I couldn’t!
I imagine the question your really asking is how many people have children without really ‘wanting it’ and if you don’t have child now wether might get ‘desperately want a child’ feeling later when it’s too late . You’d probably bogey better answers if you phrase it this way
When I was in my early 20s, I really wanted to have a family. I just had a burning desire to get a girl pregnant and have a family. Can’t really explain it other than I just really felt a hunger for it. Didn’t even have a partner I wanted to have a family with. .
Then my friends started having babies, and suddenly I realised I have no interest whatsoever in having kids. I’m now almost 30 and I don’t wish to ever have kids.
You know it’s not mandatory
For me right now it’s like an ache. Like something is missing and nothing fully works without it. Like I can’t be complete
Some people just don’t and that’s okay
Don’t rush life.. even though it feels like you have to..
Don’t..
Just enjoy each day and whatever happens will happen
Besides… Having free and spare time is amazing! Enjoy that while it lasts as we don’t owe the world children
For me it was like an internal clock that started ticking and at a fairly young age in this day and age as well. I just knew I wanted to start a family and we thought we may as well get cracking sooner rather than later. I had my first at 28 and my second st 32
I have 3 kids and I wouldn’t change them for the world… (every parent says this before the but)…butttttttt
I have no freedom no time to myself there’s constant noise if you and your partner are happy without then live your lives I miss freedom man
I never chose to be a parent though I just became a dad at 19 and had to figure it out , so I’m sorry I can’t answer your question but I think if it ain’t broke don’t fix it
I spent 7 years and over £20,000 trying to get my baby ( I did eventually! Yay!) so my feeling was probably a bit more extreme than those who don’t need to try very hard. But my arms would literally ache to hold a baby. If I thought about it too long I could feel my heart skip beats. There is nothing so completely all encompassing as not having a baby that you want.
ETA: when I say literally I mean literally. It’s a physical pain.
Having children isn’t compulsory, and many people – myself included – choose not to. Having children never really interested me, so I haven’t had them. I don’t hate children or anything, I just see them in the same way as taking up horse riding, moving to France or some other big lifestyle change – other people love it, but it’s not for me.
There’s an increasing number of people who are childfree by choice, and to be honest I think there are a lot of people who have children when they probably shouldn’t have done so.
For me it was almost like a physical yearning. It wasn’t a desire to carry on genetics or needing a sense of duty. Just a natural desire that you don’t think of, you just have. Like being hungry or being attracted to someone – there’s no thought process, it’s just there.
I never have felt that way and never had a child. I’m now in my 50s and have had an awesome life. It’s not required nor is it necessary to breed. If you have kids, that is great. If never want to that is also great.
Consider it as yearning for something which is instinctual.
If it’s not there, I wouldn’t push ahead as it’s a lifelong commitment.
Never felt it, wouldn’t know.
>Is it like legacy? Having an heir? A sense of duty?
No.
Surely you’ve experienced wanting *something* in your life?
Have you never desperately wanted a specific job or career? Or wanted to get onto a specific university course? Or aspired to climb Kilimanjaro or to see the Northern Lights?
It’s a bit like that – a desperation to achieve a certain something that is life-changing and lasts forever. It’s wanting a specific lifestyle that you can’t otherwise achieve. It’s about wanting to progress in that area of your life, wanting something that connects you permanently to your partner, to build something completely unique. It’s about wanting to do specific activities each day in a certain way or with a certain aim.
Growing up I never knew what I wanted to do, just knew I’d be a mother. It took a long time to come to terms with not being able to conceive. That when I’m dead, I will not live on. No children to tell stories about me. Crap, I guess I’m still not over it.
Heartbreaking, in my experience.
Our first pregnancy came out of nowhere without consciously trying, but we lost the baby at 8 months as a still birth. Most devastating thing I’ve ever experienced.
Since then we struggled for a good 7 years, lost count of how many IVF cycles we tried with different methods. All of it has been private, some of it even abroad during the pandemic and we couldn’t get on a list in the UK, we’ve probably spent the top side of £100k on fertility treatments and IVF cycles. Even more if I were to count loss if earnings from taking time off work for it, to be with my wife when she’s miscarried, when she had an ectopic pregnancy, etc.
After so many heartaches it’s like we almost became numb to emotion. Going from being optimistic about an IVF cycle to receiving a call from the embryologist saying only one blastocyst has survived, to waiting anxiously for a positive pregnancy test, to seeing blood, to getting a positive 2 week test, to getting a negative 6 week test, to being told to keep taking the meds until you can get in for a blood test, to coming up negative, to feeling all of the pregnancy symptoms fade away once more. Wondering what you did wrong. Wondering ‘why us?’. Wondering if this is karma for some fucked up shit you did when you were younger. Praying to whatever being you know you don’t believe in, out of nothing but pure desperation. Feeling suicidal when you’re all out of hope. Isolating yourself from friends and extended family members who are all having babies, and as much as you want to be happy for them and celebrate with them you just can’t face it. Facing the prospect of bankruptcy because a nice big house and money in the bank are meaningless without a family. Deflecting questions from friends and family members about “have you guys thought about having a baby?”. Having ‘the talk’ about whether you should start considering adoption. Having ‘the other talk’ about whether you should separate so that the other person can go and find someone that can give them a baby. Spending the whole day crying every year when it rolls round and all you can think about is what the first baby would have looked like and how they’d be growing, what they’d be doing, etc if they’d survived.
Wanting a baby is the worst ride I’ve ever been on.
But now, having been stuck on that ride for 7 long years, we are finally the proud parents of the happiest, healthiest and most beautiful little 6 week old lady we could have ever dreamed for. From what we’ve seen so far, she’s worth every single ounce of heartache and trauma that we’ve been through. ❤️
It’s terrible for the spouse/partner who doesn’t share those feelings.
It for me is like an ache that won’t go away, there’s a part of me missing. I’ve been with my partner for nearly 10 years now. Had one miscarriage but no other times been pregnant and haven’t been on birth control for about 8 years. I’ve always dreamed about being a mum and a good one at that. But now I’m resentful of others and go from telling myself I don’t want any (because its easier to think that than I cant) to then seeing a baby and nearly breaking down.
For me I was always anti-kids, didn’t want to bring someone into a shitty world etc etc, then when I hit 28 a switch literally flicked in my brain. I can’t explain it. I wanted a baby so much I couldn’t think about anything else.
I kept it hidden from my long term partner because I thought he was still feeling the “don’t wanna bring a kid into the world etc” but actually the same switch had flicked for him too.
8 years on and my kid is the absolute light of our lives. But I do still have the crippling guilt that I’ve knowingly brought this sweet and precious boy into a world that just seems to be getting worse by the day. He’s blissfully unaware and lost in a lovely little kid world. Just trying to keep it that way for as long as possible x
I was never interested in having a baby.
I accidentally fell pregnant and although it took a lot to get my head around it, after a few weeks I was all in. That pregnancy ended in the second trimester and resulted in some serious health issues.
I’m now in this weird head space of having a void in my life/heart but still not being instinctively maternal. A head and heart dilemma if you will. But I definitely think it’s something primal because if you met me this time last year I would of laughed at the idea of kids and now the hormonal urge is STRONG.
I’m 31. I have endometriosis and it is a genuine physical ache. The ache I feel when I see others with their children, pregnancy announcements are supposed to be wonderful things but they absolutely break me.
It’s the only thing I have ever wanted in my life, to be a mother. Miscarriage after miscarriage, loss after loss. It breaks you down when all you want is to become a mother, it makes you feel like a complete and utter failure and despite having a completely wonderful and supportive husband, it feels like I’m failing him.
Wanting a child is a feeling I can’t describe to somebody in my experience, it’s like an innate and incredible desire not only to bring a child into the world but to nurture it and look after them.
I was never interested in having children and couldn’t picture ever doing so until around my early 30’s when we started thinking we would like to. We both felt like it would be nice to have kids but if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.
Conceived first child easily but then had secondary infertility afterwards and some pregnancy losses. We still felt the same. Never ever had a deep longing or urge, just a feeling that we would like to have another child, but that we are content either way. We did eventually have a second but would have been content with one (or none).
I can’t believe how much I love them both, it’s absolutely visceral. They are my world. Years 1-3 are hard as fuck but from then on it just gets better and better.
Strangely, the thought of having a third fills me with horror, plus I still can’t stand other people’s children 🙂
I had a strong maternal desire to carry a life and give a child a life and a future and lots of love. I feel it is an honour to be a parent, to raise the next generation and for me it was all about what I could give a child, not what having a child could do for me. Although, Parenthood has actually give me so much. The strong instinct to nuture, protect and ‘Mother’ my own child was overwhelming. Just that deep desire to ‘Mother’ was very strong for me.
Parenthood then turned out to be extremely hard but also more blessed and rewarding than I could ever have imagined. Parenthood taught me what it’s like to love someone unconditionally, even when they are having a tantrum or being difficult lol. The best decision I made was to become a parent. I have grown as a person through being a parent and it has made me a better person also. More patient and understanding etc. More tolerant. Less judgemental.
The yearning for a child for me, really came from deep within the core of my being.
I ‘sort of’ wanted a baby in my twenties but it wasn’t the right time. I got married when I was 32 and, not long after, was informed that we couldn’t conceive naturally due to my poor sperm (which would have been ok in my twenties apparently, they had deteriorated over the years, life is cruel sometimes).
So we had to go through IVF. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted a child anymore as it was taking so much effort and chunks out of our relationship to get there, plus I was the later end of 30’s. Now our little miracle has arrived, I couldn’t imagine life without her. It’s the best thing that has ever happened to me! So I didn’t really long for this but wouldn’t change it for the world.
Each to their own, if you do or don’t have a baby, all that matters is that your happy 😀
I’ve never wanted children, but I’ve watched one of my best friends’ heart break over and over again. She’s been through so much over the years, including the worst you can imagine… and she’ll keep going because it’s more than a want for her, it’s a physical and emotional NEED.
I support her in every possible way, but I am SO grateful that I don’t know what that feels like and I’ve never experienced even the smallest flicker of being broody.
Its like million of years of evolution successfully manipulating your behaviour.
Definitely not like a legacy or sense of duty – that sounds quite Victorian to me. I guess the easiest way to describe it is like an ache. For me it was very primal and I physically couldn’t bare the thought of not having children – that was heartbreaking to me.
I’d say if neither of you have these feelings then don’t have children. It’s totally okay not to and personally I’d actually rather see happy couples who decided they’re perfect as they are, than couples who convince themselves they’re missing out on something so have a baby for that reason and later regret it.
Whatever the reason (legacy, carrying on a piece of your bloodline etc) if you don’t feel a distinct urge, don’t do it. Many many people are very happy without ever having children, many are happy with. I can tell you from experience that if you don’t feel the urge, your relationship will suffer immensely once you add a child.
You can’t take it back to the shop. It’s a human being. You either want a family, or you don’t. It’s not a feeling that magics itself up.
I didnt really have those urges for a long time. My partner felt it pretty fast and hoped we would conceive. I said please wait. He gave up hope I think.
We did the usual, tick the boxes. House, car, jobs, stable mentally and financially. Then my neighbour who looks after foster children had a small 4yr old boy. He had been all over the place. My icey heart slowly cracked and I spent about £50 getting presents for the foster children. I had lots of fun wrapping it and made sure they had colouring books etc.
Then it hit me. Im missing something in my own house. Soon after id be alone at home on a break and I could ‘see’ small feet running about in my garden happy, I could see a little baby crawling in the landing. I just got another promotion and recently became a qualified professional. I wanted my own to cuddle, to teach, to hand down my assets and play with. So the following month I intentionally fell pregnant and he was overjoyed.
We decorated the nursery etc. Everything was planned as best we could. Of course the pregnancy and post partum was horrendous but thats okay. My baby is a beautiful little gem.
We are very pleased overall! She is amazing.
So overall, it was a feeling for me.
Since Im a logical person, the crying does make me want to smack my head off a wall sometimes because its so loud but its okay. Shes only little once.
My whole body screamed. I craved a baby like you’d crave water when you’re thirsty or something sweet when your hormones are out of whack. At times I swear I could feel my ovaries contracting every time I saw a baby.
Now I have a 3 year old toddler and I’m not even remotely interested in even considering a second one.
No idea. I can’t imagine wanting to bring another being into this fucked up world.
I like kids. However, there has never been one single time where I’m chilling on the sofa when I’ve thought “kids would improve my life”.
I’d probably be an impatient and ungrateful parent, so it’s not for me.
Lol im in the same position im m35 and my wife is 32 and weve no current desire to have kids. They are expensive, needy, and take over your entire life.
Not having kids is just as good as having them. Life aint a tickbox exercise.
Its almost like missing someone you’ve never met or like an ache. It’s like when you’re a teen and you haven’t felt love yet and you really wanna find someone to fall in love with. Even tho you have no idea what that actually means. You just know its mean to happen and you cant wait to meet them.
Like I really want the physical feeling of a baby in my arms. And I do feel like there’s something missing.
Best way I can describe it like missing someone.
It’s a funny feeling because it’s not totally rational. I know babies are really hard, restrict your freedom etc and that I enjoy my life without one, but I have a strong feeling in the pit of my stomach that I want a baby and that I’ll love it more than anything. I’ve been trying for a baby for 6 months and so I try to focus on all the reasons I won’t want a baby so I don’t feel too sad when it takes time.
Ugh. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Your relationship will be ruined and you’ll be sick all the time and never sleep in for 16 years. And the COST! Just don’t..Not having kids unlocks the cheat code for life. Don’t do it just because all the normies do.
I never wanted kids, met my husband and he agreed and we were together for 8 years without wanting one, but hormones really hit me at 35..
I wasn’t weepy watching other kids or obsessed, but I just felt like life was a bit pointless, like what’s the point in just having a bigger house and more expensive wine? We’d done a lot of travelling, had tons of fun but it all now felt a bit empty and superficial.
It was definitely hormones hitting me as I couldn’t really explain it (and he was horrified at first but eventually agreed, a bit perplexed), and at 37 (me) and 40 (him) we had a child who’s now 15 and has been and remains an utter joy.
I honestly cannot express how much love I feel and how much better a person I am as a result of the lessons in selflessness, empathy and truly caring about the world they grow up into.
I have the issue that I want one but ideally not for another 10 years but the old biological clock is seriously running out. Don’t want to leave it too late and have regrets. Decided to start trying for one 2 months ago. Been with my other half over 10 years so 🫠
Deep down I really don’t want one for another 10 years.
Don’t do it. You’ll ruin your life.
No idea. Not ONE of my friends has sold the idea of having one either!
I ended up on a side of TikTok a while ago where it was mothers saying they loved their children and would walk through fire for them but if they could go back and not have kids they would’ve done.
Everyone is different. Personally I honestly, desperately craved it, for several years. By the time we were starting to trying and had everything in place (money, home, marriage planned, savings, health etc.) I was honestly like ‘I need a baby inside me yesterday’. It was an absolute need, it felt like, to the point where seeing pregnant women walking around would crush me emotionally because I just NEEDED it to be me.
Others don’t feel much emotional pull towards it, they just know they want and are ready for a child so therefore it makes sense to take the steps to conceive one.
It’s a cliche but personally I think even the most involved enthusiastic dad often doesn’t feel quite the same level of excitement as the mother for quite a while! From the week I was pregnant my entire body felt different. Over the coming few weeks it was insane how different I felt physically. Nausea, breasts hurting so much I couldn’t hug people, feeling so tired I’d have sixty second naps on the desk at work, throwing up randomly, emotional changes. Until my husband could feel our son kicking him I was just getting fatter and crying more to him.
My advice as a parent? If you’re not both absolutely sure you want a child, wait. I love being a parent so much, it’s everything I hoped it would be! And it’s also one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through. It seriously hampers almost every area of your life for a while, finances, work, time, hobbies, and the biggest: sleep, which fucks everything else up. My husband was literally suicidal from having a baby that didn’t sleep longer than 40m at a time, it was a dark dark time. And you don’t know which baby you’ll get, they could be perfectly healthy, they could have lifelong limiting illnesses. It’s a myth that nobody regrets the child they had, just the one they didn’t. I know quite a few people who regret their child. It’s a bomb that once it goes off, you can’t easily undo short of abandoning your family.
For me it kicked in after our first was around 2 years old… I kept getting this palpable sense that someone was missing. That had not yet arrived. That our family of 3 was not complete. Can’t explain it beyond that.
I’m M40+ so it never occurred to me that men might have a biological clock. I was the stay-at-home if that matters. And I never wanted kids. But I fell madly in love with my child in a way that surprised me, then the palpable feeling that someone was missing or had not yet arrived that our family was actively lacking.
I have no other way to explain it beyond that. Somebody should be here at this table with us having dinner who is currently not here.