To preface this, I’m an autistic person in university, (though I don’t want to be a jerk about it). I also have a hobby of reading studies about whatever interests me. English isn’t my first language either. My obligatory apologies.
Sometimes, when talking about a relevant issue with a friend, I think I need to motivate my position. I might start rambling about all of the interesting studies I found interesting and would like to share. After that little ramble, I usually present my position.
The other person in the dialogue responds negatively. They say “Sorry”, which always throws me off. I realize I might have driven the person into a corner. That was not my intention. It always makes me feel sad inside.
My intention is not to sound smart or to teach anything either. In fact, I most often think that the person that brought the topic up may be more knowledgeable on the subject or have an another opinion. Sometimes it is necessary to be clear on what we’re talking about before we make any harsh judgements about the other party.
The little ramble I do is to explain my standpoint and my understanding of the situation. This is also why I sometimes ask others for the studies they’ve read, just in case I’ve missed something.
I seem to hold a false belief that it would be the beginning of the conversation. It seems to serve as the end. I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. I just want to dive in.
How could I be less intimidating in this? Is my technique of conversation wrong?
3 comments
Your problem is that you spew a lot of information at the beginning. Imagine they ask you something wanting to hear a few sentences and instead they get a few pages. They are not in the headspace to recieve that much info in one go.
Try to say the main point without elaboration and elaborate when they ask for it. Try to give more “bite sized” info. So dive in slowly.
Conversations tend to be more: you tell a bit, they tell a bit, you elaborate something, they elaborate something.
They are not: i tell everyting i know and they tell everything they know. This is more the type of conversation you could have through books or other written text, where people can take their time to process things.
Honestly, when people talk for a while and then ask me a question about the stuff they said, i tend to forget what they were talking about, because i had nothing to ancor me to the monologue they just said.
Tldr. Try to be more concise.
Sheer opinion: When replying, think about one aspect of the topic at hand, with one study in mind, and keep it to the core point. You can expand with reference to other things later if the conversation calls for it, but leave openings for the other person to respond (good way to do this is state your response in one or two sentences then ask a question *specifically about the topic* [rather than ‘what studies have you read about this’/a general ‘what do you know about x’].
When you hit someone with a barrage of “I’ve read a lot about this topic, and here is everything I know in one go”, it can come off like you think the other person is dumb/ill-informed. And who knows, they totally could be. But for a lot of people, there’s a stigma about not knowing stuff, and an interaction this intense can put them on their back foot/not want to engage because they’ll think *you’ll* think they are foolish (despite the fact that it comes from a place of enthusiasm on your part).
Something to think about, I don’t know that it would actually help: consider writing precis of studies you find interesting (it’s like a 1 page summary, but do a little Googling on it if you’re not familiar). This gets you practice in summarizing the most important points of a given study, and might give you a short reference point for getting the meat across without details that aren’t necessary in casual conversation.
You can talk about your areas of expertise, but try to keep in mind what things about it that THE AVERAGE PERSON might be interested in. Explain it to them like they’re a 5th grader, or part of a TV audience that doesn’t know much. So, pick the stuff that is most interesting, has human interest elements, little known FUN facts, etc. And see what questions they ask.
Use your knowledge, but keep your AUDIENCE in mind. They don’t want a lecture, they want some Fun Info.