This will be a long one, so I apologize in advance. Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years, and I never thought I’d found a relationship like this. He was everything I wanted in a partner, he gave me so much effort and commitment, not to mention the sex was very very good. Recently, over the past 5-6 months, this all changed. My boyfriend is a ghost of that man I once knew. There is no effort, he does not message me throughout the day, he will not hang out unless I ask, forget a date or a planned excursion. He does not initiate sex with me, and seems pretty disinterested and honestly resentful towards me. When I ask about these problems, try to discuss anything moving forward, he tells me he’s too tired to talk or has a “big” day tomorrow, finding some sort of excuse. I’ve attempted to have a conversation many times, but it never seems to actually happen.
Some other important notes. My boyfriend has a big problem with my work, and many problems have stemmed from that fact. I am a fairly attractive woman, and I work serving/bartending at a fairly upscale bar/lounge. He constantly makes comments about my clothes I wear to work, snarky comments about my job not being a real job, and just overall extremely rude. For example, one night he arrived with two of his buddies to “come in””, and as I greeted them and asked them what they would like to drink, he loudly makes a comment saying, “Don’t try to upsell us like we’re one of your little guy tables,” and then proceeded to practically dismiss me. We’ve had many conversations about these actions, I’ve changed the way I dress, I’ve stopped attempting to make friends at work, I’ve lost my own group of friends, and tried pretty much everything to make him be happy and love me, it seems to just not be working.
I have some pretty big attachment issues, as I haven’t been single or not attached to someone since I was around 16. Being single scares me, and the safe guard of a relationship has always been my saving grace. However, in this relationship, i’m deprived and yet smothered. I don’t feel beautiful, my boyfriend does not compliment me or truly admire me. There’s no heat or passion for me in eyes, and yet everything I do or say is under his scrutiny and he has a problem with all of it. It has made me desperate for attention, and making myself look foolish just for his approval.
Lastly, and I believe the only reason I’ve stayed, I am in love with his family. They are kind,warm, inviting and since I experience a lot of turbulence at my own home, being invited into his family is very beneficial for me. Losing my opportunity to spend time with his family would truly destroy me, and it makes it so much harder to let go.
There is so much context and backstory I could explain but this sums up the gist of it. What do I do? Do I take the leap of faith and move on, or do I attempt to make this better one more time and see if there’s chance for improvement? I love my boyfriend so much and I thought I would be spending my life with him. But i’ve just been growing more and more unhappy.
TL;DR: My boyfriend of two years whom once was everything I wanted, and made me very happy, has seemingly lost interest and scrutinized everything I do while simultaneously giving me no attention, communication or sex. What do I do?
6 comments
Why is it on you to fix and not on him to grow up and stop being a shitass?
Move on girlypop. I promise you single life is better than being treated than crap. He gives and shows you no love, tries to control how you dress, and brings his friends to your place of work to show off how he can disrespect you and get away with it. I don’t know what changed to make HIM change but whatever is going on in his life he’s taking it out on you. You deserve better.
You have already stated that you are unhappy in your relationship. You have told your partner what you need to happen to have a happy relationship. He is not attempting to do anything and will not change. Can you see yourself 5 years from now even more unhappy?
I’m sure his family is wonderful, but you deserve your partner to be wonderful. And you don’t have that now.
He sounds like a jerk. I don’t think he respects you.
He is being a shitty boyfriend, is being controlling of what you wear, what you do for work, what friends you make? Sweetie, he’s controlling you. He’s trying to ruin your confidence and alienate you from people.
Break up with him immediately. You are 22, you have your entire life ahead of you. Never waste your time trying to “fix” a man. It’ll never workout the way you expect it to.
Find a man who appreciates you and lets you be yourself.
I had an ex when I was at university who used to control what I wore, who I spoke to, where I went, how I did my hair and makeup etc. He even hacked my Facebook to delete all *his* male friends from my account because he didn’t want me speaking to other men. When I was with him I became an absolute shell of myself and I’m still trying to regain my confidence now.
You deserve better than this. You deserve to feel beautiful, and loved for who you are without having to change the way you dress or the way you are as a person.