People change. They may have a death in the family, a traumatic event, a big life change, they may become mentally unstable. They may refuse to get help. They may self medicate, causing further destruction. They may have gotten too comfortable after the engagement or years of marriage, and stopped putting in effort towards self improvement or relationship improvement. They may have become an almost entirely different person than the person that you fell in love with. You may never be able to get that person back, and you may try tirelessly for years or even the rest of your life.
Ultimately, you cannot help someone who won’t help themselves. You will lose yourself. There are so many of us going through this, you are not alone. No one should feel trapped in their marriage.
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Plenty of people will tell you to divorce if it’s the right call. Before you divorce, you should just make sure you gave it your all and it’s the best decision for oneself.
You can end your relationship for any reason, at any time. Never let anyone else tell you any different.
This isn’t what I want to hear, but maybe what I need to hear. My wife resents me, tells me she doesn’t enjoy sex anymore, and could live without it. I’ve expressed for years how important the sexual connection is to me. It pains me to think about leaving her, and my kids. I fucking love her, but I can’t keep going on. When I bring it up, she tells me it’s at the bottom of her priority list, and she will try to improve when she gets some other stuff done. I feel selfish, but I’m not happy.
I still keep going back to the last month when he left and I told him to get his priorities straight and get his act together. He moved back in and I’m still not wanting to work on things. He’s had a few decent moments since he’s been back but not much of an improvement to be honest and trustworthy
Nom of course not, no one should feel trapped.
But I’d estimate 1/2 the issues posted around here could have been avoided if the two people had discussed how they would handle common situations before getting married.
At the end of the day, marriage should be a partnership. Not a situation where one partner is responsible for everything. Its a two way street. If you’re busting your ass to do anything and everything, but the other partner is not doing anything, you’ve got to make the right choice for you and for any children you might have.
I’ve come to the end. I work at least 50 hours a week and then go home to do everything else. Cook, clean, take care of the kiddo and animals plus wait on the partner hand and foot. I get no encouragement. No intimacy of any kind in 9 years. Nothing. No appreciation of any kind. It’s not cute or endearing.
I resent her and after this long, even going through therapy, I can’t come back and feel the same. My partner is so self-absorbed and focused on herself that there is no room for me any longer. It’s tough. It’s sad. But at this point, I’d rather be alone than in a loveless marriage any longer. She doesn’t and hasn’t felt the same about me in a very long time. But instead of letting me go to find my happiness and hers, she stole years of my life away by giving me false hope and if that didn’t work then guilt was her weapon.
I want my child to know and to see this is not how a relationship should be. There’s someone out there that will appreciate and cherish me as much as I do them. The grass is not always greener, but sometimes leaving scorched earth is the only choice.
Godspeed
In a lot of the situations you’ve described, the other spouse has already left the marriage. I couldn’t disagree more with the person who said
> You can end your relationship for any reason, at any time. Never let anyone else tell you any different.
For me it’s til death do we part. But if the other person has already parted, what are you supposed to do, just sit there and wither away?
I’m picking up what you’re saying. Everyone’s different. Say in the case of a car accident/, crippling your SO. Personally I’d still want to at least help take care of them.
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Honestly I Wouldn’t envy anyone in this situation. On either side
>We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. -William Somerset Maugham, writer (1874-1965)
Having to deal with my own rocks in marriage, here is where I still am:
* if you don’t feel safe leaving your children with your spouse, then divorce *may* be in your future.
* if you can leave your children with your spouse, then you have *a lot* of work to do before divorce is anywhere close to an option. You owe it to your spouse, your children, yourself, your parents, your community.
All of these are valid reasons and are definitely the exception, but nowadays people divorce and give other people advice to divorce for much less than that
Oh, I hear you. I’m on the side of “I should’ve known” and I am not giving up on my marriage. I agree people change. I agree you can’t help someone that won’t help themselves. I agree you shouldn’t feel trapped in a marriage. So what is the solution though? Leave? Divorce? Lose everything you’ve built? Maybe…
I used to think I made a big mistake by marrying my wife. But then realized, how could my two beautiful children that came from this marriage be a mistake? They’re not. Then I realized I was the one who proposed. I was the one that asked her to marry me. I was the one who agreed for better for worse. I am unhappy with my marriage and I wish I could find the answer here on this Reddit but ultimately taking responsibility for my choice helps me get through the days right now.
I’m sorry for everyone who’s unhappy with their marriage. You are definitely not alone!
😭
All of this. My husband is a completely different man than who I initially married. We’ve been through many hardships together (deaths, self medicating, undiagnosed mental health issues, neurodivergent children). It’s changed both of us. We didn’t really price together that we were different people until recently and we are actively working on being friends again (our relationship started as a being best friends in high school). We BOTH are wanting to put in the work and that’s why I’m still here. Because even though I may not be happy in my relationship currently, my partner (and I) is willing to put in the work to get back to who we are.
You should’ve known. Translation: you should’ve trusted yourself, and your very first instinct that you doubted or ignored for whatever the reason about your marriage. If the two of you weren’t bonded being to being, or capable of connecting consciousness to consciousness, and able to mingle your energy together, then you were never meant to be.